WARNING: IT'S LONG, WORDY AND A BUNCH OF FIM REFLECTIONS!! I'm pretty sure this is my longest post ever, and that says A LOT! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
**********************************
Good Morning and Happy Friday! This has been a week I would rather forget. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. I was touched to come back and see the inquiries.
Well, Sunday night my 10 year old ran away. She walked six blocks to my parents business and called them to pick her up. THANK GOD she made it there safe and knew she had someone to call. She sat there until my mom picked her up crying and clutching a picture of her baby brother. Later, I found a note she had left in the bathroom saying "I love you but I have to go". She had also written that on the bathroom mirror, so when I took a shower that night I saw it when I got out. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
She told my parents she felt like she didn't have a family anymore. She's mad at her dad for leaving and lying, mad at me for not spending enough time with her and basically mad at the world because she "used to always be happy and now she never is".
She stayed the night at my parents and ended up coming home after school on Monday. I talked with her and we came up with a plan on how to talk with each other before the feelings get so big we burst. She also talked to her dad that night and told him she didn't want to talk to him anymore because he lies and she doesn't believe him anymore.
Tuesday night, both girls had the stomach flu. Regina, the 10 year old, threw up at volleyball practice and continued throwing up until midnight. Erica, my 8 year old, started at 11:30 and continued until about 3 am. The baby has had diarreah since Monday and even with changing him at least every half hour and numerous times throughout the night, he has developed a horrible diaper rash.
I got the bug on Wednesday night. YUCK!
So, this week has been one of puke, poop, snot, no sleep, stinky pukey laundry and, of course, Dork being a dork.
Monday I had a reporter and photographer to deal with at our school, Tuesday and Wednesday I spent time pulling up stats for the article (it ran today though and was very nice for publicity at the school <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , Thursday I had a meeting for work after being sick all night.
Wow. I'm whiny today!! Anyway, I just haven't had time to get on here with everything.
Things with Dork are about the same. No, I haven't filed for the divorce. After some thought, I'm not going to do it. HE chose to end this marriage. HE can do that. It's not like I'm ready to run off and start dating and need that divorce for anything. The biggest reason for it, other than being a symbol to him that I am finished with his games, was financial. Well, the guy isn't working anyway. I've funneled all of the money coming in to my bank account. Financially, he can't get me into much more trouble than he already has anyway.
Filing those papers isn't going to change how I'm living one way or another. Besides that, the filing fee is better spent on our household bills than on the divorce.
As for Dork, he is calling every night. He talks to Erica, but Regina won't talk to him. Each night I ask her and each time she says no. I make sure he hears me ask and her answer. He leaves Guatemala tomorrow morning and has said his plan is to go to San Antonio and start work, look for a job elsewhere, come home for Thanksgiving and try to get us all living somewhere together as soon as possible.
Regardless of how many times I tell him that's not happening, he just says that's his plan and what he is going to do no matter what I say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
He seems to think that because we talk civilly right now (because all I do is answer the phone, talk about money when needed and give the phone to daughter) that our communication is improving and he can now SHOW me he really wants our marriage to work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Whatever.
Through all of the sleepless nights with the kids and me being sick, I've thought about what I truly want. Am I holding out for something? Do I want him to come running home? What am I doing to make sure my children and I are strong and healthy? Am I still respecting myself? (in MY belief, not what others think about my choices)
I'm sharing this because I don't think I'm alone in the answers I came up with.
I think deep down I am holding onto hope that he will see what is happening and change. I know I am actually. In the last 14 months, I spent two months with my husband and I don't think I have been able to accept that THAT DORK
IS my husband.
The man who came home for a few days in January for the birth of our son has no resemblance to this guy. How does someone change THAT much?
Someone mentioned it is a character issue. Yep. It is now. But this is so OUT of character for the husband and father I shared the last 8 years with. Our friends just sit back and go "Huh?" when I tell them what he says and does.
It's not just the idea that he wants someone else or is going back and forth. If he acted ANYTHING like he has for the majority of the time I have known him, that others have known him, I'd deal with this whole thing differently. When I look at him, I still see the man I've shared my life with. I have a hard time really seeing who he has become or believing this callous and selfish man is all that is left of the caring, loving, involved father and husband I love.
I think that's why MB made so much sense to me. It's why the "fog" concept made sense to me. I could see this in my WH.
At the same time, the changes in him, whether permenant or not, even if he feels HORRIBLE later for what he is doing, are affecting me and our children in such detrimental ways.
How do you balance the two? I've not done a great job of it.
I am your classic rescuer. I always have been. Maybe that's why I keep seeing the remaining potential for him to see what is happening.
So, what does this do for me? Well, I looked at myself honestly. I WANT to NOT try. I WANT to want to just throw him to the wolves of his own making.
In recognizing that I want to feel that way, but don't, has made me sit back and say "What the hell are you going to do FIM?"
I lasted a week in no contact with him....longer than that if you count the days I only talked about finances with him.
I LB'ed all the way down to SAT and once he got there. I HAD PLENTY OF REASON TO!! But, I wish I had handled myself differently.
He's planning on coming here to see the kids at Thanksgiving no matter what. He's not staying with us, he knows that. He can't join us on Thanksgiving at my family's home, he knows that. I'll probably let him stay at our house during the day on Thanksgiving while we are gone though and see the kids when we get home. He can sit in the home he used to have, alone, on a family holiday.
I plan on having the house already decked out for Christmas. When he visits the kids at the house, there will be Christmas music playing, a fire blazing and something baking in the oven ( I bake like a mad woman during the holidays).
Why am I doing this? It's a reminder. What he had. What, in truth, he could have again.
But, although I'll be pleasant, I won't talk relationship. I'll be kind but not "lovey".
I have previously said, and still believe, I DO NOT want this man. I stand by the fact he needs to change himself. He needs to PROVE who he is and wants to be. He would need to demonstrate his desire to be with me and be someone to respect and love.
He may not do it. He may not want that. He may not be willing to do the work it would take.
Okay.
I have accepted that and CAN live with it. I know I want it be different. But, it may just not be. That is what I came to. I have achieved acceptance that my future may not be what I planned. I acknowledge I can't CHANGE that. I can maybe influence his desire to change, but I can't make it happen.
So, he's coming to visit. I'll remind him of what he drove away from.
I reread SAA. I did a good Plan A. I haven't even ever DONE a Plan B, regardless of what I called my previous attempts.
In accepting I do want him to change if that is what he eventually wants and for there to be a chance, I am not going to "go dark" or "tough love it out". I am going to PLAN B. Truly. Seriously. PLAN B.
I must have read that section and articles here 10 times this week.
I have realized PLAN B is not about him, it is about me. It IS about building my life. It is taking responsibility for me. It is closing a door but leaving a note on it telling him where he can find a new key and how to use it to get back in.
It's what I keep saying I am going to do, but being honest with myself and him that there is a way in, a hard way, but one that can be done.
So, when he leaves, he gets a letter. I've set up an intermediary. He can talk with the kids. I don't know exactly what I am going to write, but I do know that I won't accept an "I'm going to do this or that" anymore. Demonstration. Action.
This, if he wants it to work, will take a LONG time. I realized it isn't going to be an overnight thing. That was a fantasy I was holding on to too. That he'd "wake up", say "I love you and want you forever" and things would be okay.
That realization alone helped me. This isn't going to be wrapped up by Christmas, or Easter or next summer. And maybe wrapped up means a divorce. It's going to be a long, hard road. And that is even if it is traveled at all! The kids and I NEED to know it would be real before we tried.
I plan on going ahead with our lives though. My family is my children and me. I want it to be different, I'd be willing to work towards that down the road under very specific changes. Right now though it would be impossible for those needs and changes to be met. THAT needed to be realized too. Nothing, no token, is going to be enough for me to REALLY build on for quite a while. Why didn't I see that before?
So...I'm going to go as things are now, over Thanksgiving let him SEE what he walked away from while maintaining my own walls, and then Plan B.
I also realized that Plan B doesn't mean things are going to work out or even that if WH goes through all the motions, I have to stay! It's a place for me to insulate myself from the pain and growing resentment, to move forward in life and be self reliant again. It gives him an option to try if he desires. There is nothing that says by the time he wants to try I MUST still be willing. It's not nessecarily black and white. Divorce NOW or stay together FOREVER. Now or never.
I think that's why I kept saying "I'm filing for divorce", "I'm done" and "No way!". I am fed up. I am past the point of helping him to grow. That is truth for now. I do hope that this isn't the person he wants to be and that man I did love can overcome. I kept saying, "He can't change now". But he changed into this, maybe he can become a better person. Love hopes. I do hope.
I can hope while building though. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. I guess that would be my plan. I'm interviewing for a job out of state next week. I'm putting the house on the market and have decided on the apartments I'd like the kids and I to move into if we stay here. Those are positive steps for my family, the kids and me.
There will be a path home for him though too. He can choose to take it or not. I'm not waiting or planning on it. But I will keep that small hope deep in my heart. I'll tell him where the key is and maybe I won't have changed the lock by the time he decides to use it.
The beauty I see in the true implementation of Plan B is that I'll be able to TRULY accept the outcome by the end. It seems to me, in rereading, that as Plan B goes on it becomes easier and easier. That's where you are until you are done. It allows you to be HONEST WITH YOURSELF about your deepest hope of reconciliation, while making it easier to move forward with your own life independantly while you heal your heart and soul. Yes, the hope and plan is to end the affair by ruining the fantasy. But, while doing that I can put myself first...BECAUSE THAT IS THE PLAN. It helps end the chaos. You stay there until you're done; until your love is gone,you are ready to move forward without your WS or you are both ready to start recovery.
That's a damn fine plan! By the end, you're where YOU want to be either way. So, that's what I'm doing. Right now, I just want to get to one of those three places. I'd prefer the third option, but one and two would be okay too.
That said...have a wonderful weekend:)
<small>[ November 12, 2004, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: faithinme ]</small>
