Just wanted to give you my support. Love has to be tough or you won't ever be sure. The kids are fighting..got to go...I know you know what I mean...bedtime!!

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

Well...I'm at 50 hours <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm still shaking my head about admitting the family with the mom that knows OW yesterday. It's just amazing who you meet.

I'm feeling more sad today than I have in quite a while. I was holding my baby boy tonight (he's getting two more teeth and just wanted to cuddle with mommy) and looking at him I just couldn't understand what would make Dork willingly miss out on this. He's missing his little girls grow into young ladies as well as so many firsts for the baby. I can sit and hold or just watch my children for hours at a time...especially when there is housework to be done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> And he is VOLUNTARILY missing it all. I just can't understand it.

It's not even about me at this point. These are his children. How do you go from a man who rushes home each night to see his kids and makes it to every event they ever had, to someone who willing leaves them for months on end?

I don't get it.

And the financial abandonment? WOW. He's sent NO money. He has NO job. He has contributed NOTHING to bills, food, clothes...anything. This from a man who did whatever he had to to provide for his family before.

Ugh. I've accepted the fact our lifestyle is changing. I'm coming to accept that my kids won't have what we dreamed of giving them...and had been giving them. I'll never understand the selfish person he has become.

Oh well. I just don't have the temperment to stay sad long...I hate being sad. So, I forced myself to think of all the things I have to be grateful for. I restarted a gratitude journal tonight to remind myself that no matter what sadness there may be, we choose what to hold onto and what to let go of in our lives.

I choose to be grateful rather than resentful. I have a right to be sad. Losing a husband is sad. But, gaining a life without lies and unfaithfulness is a hard earned blessing.

So, I am making my new mantra a variation of my new signature I will not trade what I want most in my life for what I can get now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>
I choose to be grateful rather than resentful. I have a right to be sad. Losing a husband is sad. But, gaining a life without lies and unfaithfulness is a hard earned blessing.

So, I am making my new mantra a variation of my new signature I will not trade what I want most in my life for what I can get now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This too (your pain)shall pass. Your strength to survive this inspires me. Please never forget what a great person you are. Hold your head high woman. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Quote; ".....I just couldn't understand what would make Dork willingly miss out on this....."

Hi, FIM. I know that you are probably just asking rhetorical questions, but I had to throw out a comment or four.

Dork is doing what Dork is doing because Dork is on a mission. That mission is for Dork to stay true to his feelings.

Everything that Dork does now must serve to feed his feelings. There are only three things important to Dork right now.
1) How Dork feels.
2) How often Dork feels good.
3) Who makes Dork feel good.

The only problem is that Dork doesn't even realize that a blind man, crossing a busy intersection using nothing but a cane, is safer than Dork following his feelings.

Even the bible teaches us how utterly untrustworthy our 'feelings' are (I think the reference is "the heart is deceitful above all things").

An affair is absolute proof that there really are people stupid enough to follow a rainbow. Add Dork to that crowd :-)

Don't be sad, FIM. Right now, that is just a waste of a perfectly good emotion :-)

Gimble

Keep your chin up girlfriend. He needs to search his soul. He knows he's wrong. How could anyone love a man who doesn't care about his kids....OW included. If he doesn't have it in him to walk away from her and take care of his family he is no man. If that really is the case (and I can't believe that) then you do not want the dork.

You, my dear, are a lady of class. I think that there is nothing better than holding your child and loving them. Whatever you provide for the kids will be enough because you love them so very much. The Christmas season is probably killing him. He is used to being away though (rats). Hope he is missing all of you, but really, you do have a beautiful family to be greatful for. I think it is normal to feel sad, just embrace the sadness and feel it and then move on to what you have to be greatful for. The kids won't let you be down. Hugs-Jersey Girl

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong>I was holding my baby boy tonight (he's getting two more teeth and just wanted to cuddle with mommy) and looking at him I just couldn't understand what would make Dork willingly miss out on this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Earthly explanation will do. Powerful stuff on that Mothership.

WAT
--------------
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

FIM,

I've been keeping up with your story. You are one wonderful, strong and great woman. I admire you and you inspire many people here on MB.

What you wrote about your children brought tears to my eyes. Becoming a mother is something that I've always dreamed about, but I'm not so sure if this wish will ever be granted to me. I'm 35 years old now and recovery of my marriage is difficult. I still hurt a lot.

I just want you to know how blessed you are having such beautiful children to call your own (I saw the pics on the MB Photoalbum). They are just adorable. I cannot imagine why your WH would even want to be away from them for one minute. I hope that he will reconsider his actions soon for he has no idea what he is about to loose. I would give so much to call a beautiful child like that my own.

Stay strong as you are; I think that you will always do fine in life no matter which road you choose.

Kati

First of all THANK YOU to everyone for their thoughts and support. It really does mean a lot to know there are people out there rooting for us. I do need to remember that he is operating under a totally different set of values and priorities. His inability to see past himself is sad and will lead only to a lonely and pathetic life. I know that I am blessed with my children and that I will make a great life for them and for myself. He's chosen to walk away from the best damn thing that ever happened to him....or ever will.

It has now been almost 72 hours with NC. It really and truly does seem to get easier with each hour. Well, that's true for me at least. I'm not so sure about the girls. Last night, my 8 year old was telling me how sad she is that daddy isn't living with us or even in the same state.

She was mad and sad and didn't know what to do with it, so I suggested she tell her dad. She replied, "I just don't feel comfortable telling him things because he doesn't even know anything about me anymore."

Ohhhhhhhh. There is nothing worse than seeing your child break down. She threw herself into my arms and just sobbed.

I'm glad she did it though because she's the one who holds it all in. She was always daddy's girl and she just wants things to be like they were before he left. But, she seemed better by the end of the night. I suggested she write to her dad and tell him her feelings.

She is the one who told him, after he told her he wanted a divorce, that she felt like our family was all on a ship. Then, there was a fire on the ship and everyone got off together but daddy and no one could find him anymore. When I read Pep's "Dear Daddy" thread it reminded me of how she explains her feelings.

So, I hope she will write them out and get things out of her system.

Now that NC with him is truly in place, I am getting SO much done. It feels great! Knowing I have no need to think about him or worry about how things are going to be day by day has freed up so much energy and creativity that I can direct to work and the kids. Personally, I'm really enjoying it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So, I'm off to take the girls home and pick up the baby from daycare.

I hope everyone has a wonderful evening full of peace and tranquility...something many of us need much more of this time of year!

FIM

FIM,

When my son was 6 years old he had reocurring nightmares (spanning about 2 months - same dream) of his dad on a boat (WS doesn't like boats). In his dream Son and I were in a small boat and his dad was on another. Our boat was in trouble and his dad just stood in his boat looking at us without offering help and then he drifted away. Son felt abandoned. The dream went on about toys attacking us, etc..... it was horrible for him.

Later he wrote his dad a letter. It was a good one. He even said he was too ashamed of his dad to talk to him. Imagine that.

I certianly understand how your daughter is feeling. It is good if she can discuss it in an acceptable forum. Do you have counseling available for them? The schools sometimes have programs to help children.

L.

lead only to a lonely and pathetic life

this is EXACTLY how I describe my WxH's life now. Sad and pathetic. No other words can describe it as well.

in regards to the reaction of the kids - I remember during about week 3 of his absence from our house, younger son (age 12 at the time) had a friend spend the night. When the friend arrived at the house I heard my son tell him "my dad is working a lot right now. He comes home late - after we go to bed - and leaves early - before we wake up, so you won't see him."
Broke my heart. Son was so embarassed/ashamed that he made up an excuse for his dad. Sad and pathetic.

the good news is that son is doing very well right now, and we are looking forward to a great Christmas this year.
But reading about your daughter brought back this memory.
Take good care of yourself, and your little angels

Okay, I started to write an email to WH for a number I need for insurance. Then, words just started coming and would not stop. I am not sending it, not even for the phone number. I'll call around and try to figure it out myself.

Today is just not as good as the last few have been. It's more so the loss of the idea of our family and the effect on the kids that is bothering me, but it is still just not a good day in FIM land. Here's the letter though...
************************************************

I need the fax number to DEERS so I can be reimbursed for the prescriptions I've needed to get for Mateo.

I have blocked your email from my account, however you can reply to this email, since I sent it to you. Please respect the wish to not communicate with me other than for emergency needs such as this.

The girls will be home for calls from you each Sunday at 7 pm, PST.

You should also be aware that I am going to accept an invitation to me and the kids from my aunt to stay with them over Christmas break at their cabin in Snoqualmie. My plan is to leave the Sunday after Christmas break begins, Dec. 19th and remain until the day before school resumes, January 3rd. During this time, the house will be locked. I wanted you to know so that you can plan accordingly if your holiday travel plans include visiting Washington.

It is my hope however, that considering the current financial state that we are in, you will use all available money to contribute to the households bills instead of traveling across the country. I would like to purchase at least a small amount of gifts for the children's stockings. I have also not purchased a Santa gift for Mateo yet. It doesn't need to be big.

As I am sure you know, and feel also, I have no desire to continue this charade of working on a marriage. My one and only priority is my children and moving forward. In order to do that, I am insulating us from the pattern of half-hearted promises and misdirection that we have repeatedly received. There is a time for hope, but that has passed. Now is a time to mourn the loss of a father, a husband, an upstanding man and a family that could have been.

Mateo has never known a father and therefore will not miss one until he is old enough to realize what was so prematurely removed from his life.

The girls are another story. Their lives during the past 7 months have been filled with sadness, confusion, horrendous loss of trust and security and broken promises. I, as their mother, am the only one to protect them right now. And I will do that. I believe that you are very very sick right now, Sergio. The man who played with and raised these children would never have lied to their faces about a possible happy outcome, knowing he had no intention of delivering. You did it when you left in October and you did it again at Thanksgiving. I won't let you do it again because it is I, not you, who hold them while their hearts break and their trust dwindles. They need their father. I agree. But you are not that man. You aren't capable of putting them first or of protecting their little hearts. They are 8 years old and 10 years old. They are children. They aren't up to the games and intrigue that you have come to know so well in the last year. For their sake, realize that you hurt them more than you help them. You scrape open a wound that is trying to heal each time you speak with them or give them hope they will have their family back.

As for me, I am not a child, but I have a tender heart too. It breaks with each declaration of love and promise of an attempted recovery. I must move past this and am working very hard on that. I can not hope for or plan on you returning to me or this family any longer. This past Thanksgiving weekend was lovely. It truly was. It gave me a glimpse of what could have been. But, it was a mirage. I do not know why you are doing this, Sergio. I can't imagine what the big picture is in your life that you keep us holding onto the hope of our family being whole when you clearly are not willing take any of the steps necessary to achieve that end. But I can not continue to play into the game. I don't like the game. I deserve better. I deserve to be, and will be, happy again. I deserve, and will have, a relationship in which I can grow and share in. I deserve, and will make, a life filled with love, laughter and trust. You are no longer a man to fit into that life, for me or for my children.

******************************************

After writing all that I am emotionally spent. But, I feel like that personal recovery muscle has been worked and is growing little by little.

That was a good letter, heck it moved me. I wish your husband would just realize all those things you said. How can a person be so selfish? One of these days he will realize all the things he did and I'm sure he will be feeling like a total [censored]. Quiet sad....

Thank you for sharing the letter with us.

I do think you are quite right in not sending it to him. He wouldn't read it with the intent it was written.

I hope tomorrow is a better one for you!

Faith,

Do you still need the fax # for DEERS? I thought it was in my wallet; however, I can look for it. When my wife returns from the store, I know she knows the numbers. Therefore, if you still need the number, let me know.

Oh Oh! The #s I have are for the Directorate for Retired Pay Operations. Maybe you could give them a try to find the # you need.

Automated Voice Response System 1 (800) 321-1080.

Fax 1 (800) 469-6559 or 1 (216) 522-6156.

I hope this helps.

RAG -

Thank you! I do still need the number. I'm not sure if I need the number directly to the DEERS office at Fort Sam Houston though.

It seems my WH never fully registered our son into the system so now all of his medical bills are being denied by Tricare and I am having to pay full price for prescriptions. It's amazing how expensive an 11 month old baby can be with no insurance!

Anyway, WH told me that I needed to fax my son's social security card to the DEERS office down there so he could go in and get him into the system.

Does that sound right or do you think it matters?

Thanks for your help!!

FIM - who is having a much better night than the day was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FIM -

Hang in there girl, and keep on keeping on. The Snoqualmie thing sounds like great fun.

Your WH will one day regret what he has done, I just hope it is not too late for you.

Has Dork ever mentioned that he envisions your children being reared by another man? Has he considered you might re-marry and the kids will have an in-home-father ... other than himself?

Mr. Pep said this to me one day... that the thought of another man living with me and fathering our children made him straighten up.

Just curious....

Pep

Pep,

I had mentioned that quite a few times back in August and Sept....probably in Oct. before he left too. Not after that though that I recall.

FIM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithinme:
<strong> Pep,

I had mentioned that quite a few times back in August and Sept....probably in Oct. before he left too. Not after that though that I recall.

Believer,

Thank you for the support. I'm at the end right now. Who knows, maybe after I'm rested from all the chaos it will be different, but I just don't have the energy to try and save this man anymore

FIM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">