Kloe,
It does seem like things are going better for you and your husband. Maybe once the baby comes he will come home to stay. I know what you mean about dropping something. I hate it when my youngest sons shoe is untied. He now comes to me and sits on the chair without me asking him and says please tie my shoe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I bought some more outfits today for the baby. I couldn't resist. I let the tags on everything just incase. They have the cutest girl clothes and so much to choose from compared to the boys dept.

I have been fighting really bad acid reflux lately. The doctor said it's normal for someone pregnant. Tums doesn't help. Nothing seems to. My throat burns so bad all the time after I eat. I am so glad I only have three weeks left. Hopefully less than that.

I feel a little better tonight. Lately if my husband calls or I really need to discuss something with him and call we just end up arguing. I want to see him this weekend but part of me doesn't want to feel rejected again. Everytime he comes he doesn't really want anythign to do with me. Seems like he is here in body but not emotionally. Then when he leaves on Sunday it breaks my heart all over again.

I want him here for the boys they haven't seen him since the Sunday before Halloween. They barely get to talk to him and they miss him so much. He is talking about moving home when the baby is born. He gets two weeks off for paternity leave. So he will be here to help me. I told him if he comes I don't want to deal with him calling OW and stuff. He said he understands.

I know there is still contact with OW even after he told his sister and me that he ended things. I already knew that he wouldn't stick to NC. Nobody can go down and spend 3 nights with someone then leave and say goodbye. My biggest problem right now is not saying anything about OW, our R and him coming home. When we talk we end up arguing about these things. I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut if he calls and talk about other things. I guess I have always been the type of person that expresses my feelings. And sometimes I forget he is not the man that use to care at this time.

I continue to stuggle with calling him and stuff. I guess sometimes the way I think is if I let him alone and not call or anything he will forget about me and grow more attacted to the OW and finally file for divorce. I still love him with all my heart but I am very hurt that he is treating me like this.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. Not sure how mine will go but my plan is to be pleasant and try to resist the OW and R talks.

I think I may talk the boys to the movies this weekend to see that new Disney cartoon. Maybe do some more shopping and a lot of relaxing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey,

Kloe and Sad, you guys sound as if you are really doing well. Going through this while pregnant is such a weird experience. When I look at my 4 month old daughter I think, its amazing that someone so beautiful was created and formed during such misery. Life goes on, no matter how hard we try to stay in one place.

Of course, as the BS, I wanted to move to recovery as quickly as possible. I felt so ugly and fat while I was pregnant. Of course, it doesn't matter what you feel like, you're still a walking miracle.

I found it beneficial to read about Sad's formation of her boundaries. I won't thread jack, but I know I could benefit from others opinions on my situation. I really liked what Spider said about using boundaries to protect you and your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess sometimes the way I think is if I let him alone and not call or anything he will forget about me and grow more attacted to the OW and finally file for divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SML, please continue posting, even if you think you "haven't done so well." And I commit to do the same in an area I am struggling with in my life - where I am doing the same behavior, and it is NOT working for me. Lately, when I have been not doing well with the eating part of my Weight Watchers plan that I am on, I skip the weekly meeting. My reasoning (rationalization?) is that "I will do better this week, and go and begin where I left off." Well, so far, that hasn't been working. I think I need to go, be accountable for my week's choices, and face my results head-on.

I love you, Tina! You can do this. You are going to be OK one way or the other. You have seen glimpses of that. You can't hold that space yet, and that is OK. Two steps forward, one back. I believe that is how this works. Change is hard, and it is scary. You are doing admirably well.

Spidey

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Loy & SML - I truely believe there is a reason we were given these babies at this particular time in our lives. It was not an accident. WH and I had tried to have a baby, off and on due to work situation, for two years. Then the one month that we only tried ONCE was when it happened. This was not an accident. This miracle was given to us for a reason. God does work in mysterious ways. WH has free will to do what ever he wants, God can not control him. However, maybe this child was Gods way of showing him the error of his ways and making him wake up to what he was about to lose. His A started before he knew I was PG and as far as I can tell is over. Now if I could just get him to come home!

Anyway, putting this in Gods hands has helped me. I am doing what I can to be a better person and know that I am doing all that I can. What ever is suppose to happen will.

Kloe,
I feel the same way. All year before I found out about the A we were not using any protection. I was beginning to think I could not get pregnant again. Then just happens around Valentines Day we were doing good and it happened. I believe God gave me my little blessing for a reason. And I cannot wait to meet her.

SS,
Thanks for all the time you spend posting to me. Your advice, support and encouragement means so much to me. I am making it through this much better than I thought I would. I do have times when I fall and take a step or two backwards. But I will not give up trying. The next 3 weeks or so before the baby is born I just want to relax. I can't do or say anymore than I have already to him. He knows where I stand he knows how I feel. Now he has to find his way back to the right path. I cannot force him to.

I also did the Weight Watcher thing. I got good results with the program. I lost about 20 pounds. I did so good that my cousin and my aunt decided to join with me. Then some things happened and they could no longer go then I quit. I actually had better results with Dr. Phils diet. I did it at home got motivated and lost about 17 pounds in 2 months. Then I got pregnant and quit the plan. After I have the baby though I plan to get fit and also join a gym. I know I will feel a little insecure at first but atleast I am there trying to improve myself. I have a feeling after I have the baby I will be a little thinner than I started out. I have only gained 8 pounds so far. I lost 1 and a half last week. Big no no with the Doc. With my son I did the same. I gained 8 pounds and lost over 17 afterwards. Just wish I would have kept up with it then. This time I plan to though.

I am taking the kids out tomorrow. Doing some fun things with them. If my husband wants to come along fine. If not oh well. I am not going to sit at home afraid to go out. I use to do that because everytime I went out he would be on the phone with her. I am not going to live my life like that anymore. I want to be happy. Yes I am sad, depressed and stressed right now. But my feelings change daily sometimes hourly. And I realized something today. My husbands does also. He may want a divorce or say things but that doesn't mean his feelings won't change or can't change. And sometimes he says things out of frustration.

He is suppose to come up tonight. I am am going to try to be pleasant and enjoyable to be around. Not the nagging wife that can't stop talking about the OW and our R. I want him to see I can be that fun and loving woman he once dated and married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SML, you have such spirit. You are wonderful and beautiful. My H's feelings were also changing all the time. He didn't share the good ones with me, because he "didn't want to get my hopes up." And, he had to deal with his guilt, with his self-worth. For a while, when he would remember the "good times" with me, he would SQUASH the idea right away, saying to himself, "I don't deserve to be with her. Look what I have done. I'm a monster." Or some such negative self talk.

I think these are all phases your H has yet to face. The first order of business is 1)exposing and doing everything you can to make his A uncomfortable, and 2)protecting yourself and the children from his "wrath" of you doing these things to save your M, by going to see a lawyer and find out your rights.

My H threatened me a LOT. I could not believe my EARS! This man who had promised to honor and charish and protect, was now protecting his OW!!!! AHHHH!!! Torment. Horrible. Honestly, I just couldn't even think of him as my H! I had to realize that he was "out of his mind," the process of the A, what it is, like an addiction. I know many alcoholics who LOVE their families, but they take them to the brink of destruction - they cannot stop/help themselves.

It's almost like you have to do an intervention, against his will, to save him from this A, before he loses everything and cannot get it back.

You are doing awesome.

Chat with you in the morning. Love to you, hon!

Spidey

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

My husband is here for the weekend. He was suppose to show up Friday night. That never happened. Then I heard the same story about he would be here early in the morning. He showed up at about 2pm. On the way here he had a minor car accident. His fault he glanced away from the rode and someone braked and he hit them in the side. Everyone is ok. And minor damage was done to the cars.

He is angry with me because I said something to OW's friend on instant messanger. He told me that I am not the person he knew and to be fair he isn't either. That we can do this the easy way or the hard way... My choice. I asked him what that meant. He said the hard way would be both of us leaving resenting each other and not talking anymore. Whatever.

We took the kids to the movies yesterday. Today I have been just lounging around. I wanted to see him and so did the kids. But him being here makes me sad. Because he has been giving me pretty much the silent treatment. In the movie I touched his hand and he jerked away. I tried to hug him he said stop and pushed me away. I guess I like being rejected because I keep trying and getting nowhere. He slept on the couch this time. I can see his is more withdrawn than ever. Which has made my hope go down even more. And he is even deeper in the fog.

Tina

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

So he's reading here. Um, I have a few choice words I like to share with him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sad how he can read about the destruction his behavior is causing and still not care. This fog runs deep. I'm sorry this weekend is going so bad. I guess it was good for me that WH was not here during the withdrawl period. I just couldn't handle the rejection. For me, it was kind of a relief when he moved out because when he was here it was constant rejection. I don't know how many more weekends like this you can or should have to go through. Are you really going to let him stay with you for two weeks after the baby is born? You will have such happiness in your life while getting to know your little girl, I'd hate to think of him ruining that special time for you.

Stay strong! If you do stop posting, let me know and I'll set up an e-mail address we can use.

SML, and Kloe, love you girls!

Spidey

<small>[ November 07, 2004, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

my email is Tina_k_24@hotmail.com

mom's - I think when you have your little ones, you will not care what WH is doing. That is the way it was with me. All I cared about was the baby. Wasn't interested in anything else. Thank God for the maternal hormones.

SML & SS - Got the e-mail address, I'll send you mine. Thanks!

SML...I don't post very often, but when certain posts arise, I cannot help but respond. For brevity, I will say this...I've been there, heard it all, and you know what, my children and I have survived it. Two years past DDay, I'm not divorced but remain separated. My H is struggling and it hurts to watch him, the man that I love having to face what he is now coming up against; reality. No one has taken his place in either my life or his children's lives, however, our lives have not stopped, and we continue to grow happily and contentedly. I miss him, I always have, and I may even have to say, always will, but the thing that I've learned is that the advice given here is sound; listen to the folks here SML, stop calling him, stop e-mailing him, stop hoping, just STOP!! I wish I had listened earlier and saved myself a great deal of sadness. While it is hard to reconcile yourself to this, time does heal.

SML, you must put it in your head NOT to have any communication; save yourself and the future of your marriage. The absence of communication helps both of you SML...believe it or not. It helps to make you stronger and purge yourself of the hurt. For your H it will hopefully bring to his senses. I say hopefully because he is no longer your concern...you SML and your family are your concern. What he does, where he goes, what he wants, what he doesn't want is no longer your problem; revel in it SML,as a day will come when he does see the light,whether it is with you or not with you. I say this with no malice,as healing begins from within. Only until you are strong and healed from within can you forgive and start to rebuild with others...

Never give up your faith in God and all will work out.

Kim

SML, I am pasting this info in from a thread, from a link, that Pep gave to Lemonman, on his self-titled thread, created by Pep. Is that confusing, or what???

Anyway, I understand what she is saying with her views on Plan A. I am wondering if you understand them. Sometimes, cutting and pasting loses a lot of the meaning here, because the bolds and emoticons are lost. If this doesn't read well, please go to the thread I mentioned above, here on GQII, and check it out.

Tell me what you think of what she is saying. I know that until I finally "got" Plan A, I had the hardest time doing what I needed to do, because I didn't understand WHY I was doing it. Does that make sense?

Anway, read this:
Pep said ~

Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.

I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".

Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."

Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart! The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....

WHO THE HELL AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.

Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.

Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.

I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.

That is a powerful message to myself. The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .

I think I get it now.

Best to all of you travelers on this journey!

Pepper

AND, SML, I am coming to Maryland in May, for a wedding. I already told Kloe. Let's all meet for lunch some day, and maybe you two could both bring the babies. What do you think about that??? Wouldnt' that be wonderful? I could finally give you all those hugs I've been talking about!

Chat at you later, I cook today, so I'll be back this afternoon.

Spidey

Thanks for sending me that post from pepper. It helps understand plan A a little better. Reminds me of the lighthouse post that I like so much.

Also I would love to have lunch with you and Kloe. I think it would be so nice to finally meet the people who have helped me so much. Course if you see the babies you may get baby fever...hehe.

I will chat with you later. Going to go cook for the boy's.