Wow! This got bumped to page 3 after all the action on here today!

How are you doing today, SML? Did you get back up on that horse and start over???

I fell off my own horse in the very beginning plenty of times. And each time, my MB buddies were there to give me the encouragement I needed to try it one more time. Each time, it will get easier for you to stay up there, girlie.

Hang in there, and keep posting!

Spidey

Last night when he called I got what sounded like the guy I once married. He was talking about moving back home, going to MC again and seeing where things go.

Today his sister calls me and asks if he came here last night. I said no that he said he was going to her house. He never showed up. All day we have been trying to reach him. Thinking he was in a accident or something. I even called the police asking if they have any reports of him in a accident. Finally he picks up his cell about 7pm. Said he was sorry that he turned off his phone because he wanted to be by himself.

Today I got the guy that was back to being the uncaring butt. I asked him where he was he said sleeping in his car last night and riding around all day. I still think he stayed a extra day with OW but he denies it. He now says he still thinks divorce is for the best. That he told OW that they shouldn't talk for awhile. I guess till he gets away from me finally. Said that he was just throwing MC out there. That he may not come back home for awhile.

I think he loves playing these games. I get my hopes up a little to get them dashed again. If he did finally tell OW that he wanted NC is it normal to be wishy washy? I figured the attitude today was because he wanted to call her and is taking it out on me.

I think the only thing for me to do now is to just let him go. I tell him I want to work on our marriage. His response is well what if he doesn't. He said he just doesn't feel like he wants it anymore. I am just tired of the whole thing. Yes I love him still. I really don't know why. But I do. But I can't make someone be with me that doesn't want to.

I wanted to see what he had to say. But I plan on continuing just focusing on the kids and me. I do not have that need to call him like I once did when he first left. I know I am stronger now than I was 4 weeks ago. I can make it. I guess my only question is if he does do NC this time what should I be doing if he is still living with his sister? Should I just let him alone to think? Should I just continue to do what I have been doing? Do I suggest MC now?

Honey, he is still WAAAAAY fogged up. You should not ask about MC, about NC, about OW. Just continue on YOUR plan.

He is at a point now where he needs to EARN some stuff back. Earn it, with very clear boundaries.

Go right back to how you were before the weekend. Focus on you, the kids, do not talk to him unless he REQUESTS that you do, then keep it business and keep it short. He is lost in his own la-la land still. He is not doing NC, IMO. Assume the worst, and don't believe anything he says. His sister is going to see the patterns here for herself. Let HER call him on his stuff. Coming from you, though, it just pushes him in that direction more. IMO.

Keep on keeping on!

Spidey

My SIL called my husband while he was driving back tonight and told him he needed to move back home. She was upset with him that he lied about things and she said he was talking to her sarcastically so she told him this. So I called my husband to see where he was at. First he hung up on me saying what do you want. Then he called back saying sorry he didn't mean to do that. He started screaming that he wasn't going to his sisters anymore. I told him that she was just upset and was worried about him all day. He screamed for me to shutup that I am getting what I wanted for him to come home. I then hungup on him.

That is not what I wanted. I wanted him to come home because he wanted to come home. I didn't want him to come home because this was the only option. I don't want him here if he is going to continue to call her. Well I didn't call him till about 2am. I was worried. I got the usual beep. I guess he broke down and called her. He called me back later. I asked where he was. He is in the parking garage at work trying to sleep in his car. He said but you got your wish tomorrow I'll be home.

I did ask him why he called her. He wouldn't answer. Then he said because I am a A$$ I asked him if was going to continue to do that. He said no. I said because I don't want to go through that again when you come home. He said well if I am home I can't call her at night can I. Yeah but he can do the same crap like coming in late and calling her in the morning and stuff.

I don't want to say he can't come home. I am hoping his sister talks to him tomorrow at work and works things out. I don't want him to feel forced to come home. But I also cannot force my SIL to let him stay there either. I guess if he does come home then the only thing to do is show him I can be different. When he was here before everyday we argued about OW, R and what he is doing to me. I guess I can see why he wanted away from it all. Now if he is willing to try NC maybe this is my chance to show him our marriage can be better. If he doesn't do NC though he will have to find somewhere to go. I cannot handle the same crap. Now that I have been doing it alone for the last few weeks it feels good to be free of most of the chaos. One thing I have learned from him being away is the fact that I can make it. That I really don't need him but I want him in my life. That I can survive without him being here. Him being here was just a added bonus when he was the man I married.

I don't think you should let him come home. Let him live out of his car if he has to. He did this to himself, let him suffer the consequences. Don't feel sorry for him. You have gotten so strong since he left. And during these last few weeks leading up to the birth you do not need the stress. You already know he is going to continue to call her and be nasty to you. You do NOT need this in your life right now. If he wants to come home, it should be to work on the M not because he has to.

SML, if you let him come home, no matter what he says, you will be returning to where you were before - except worse.

Honestly, I am beginning to think that you want him home, no matter how he treats you. You say you don't, yet you call him. Your posts are full of contradictions.

I'm sorry maybe we were pushing you too hard. I don't think you are ready to be on your own. I think you WANT to be ready, but you are . . . afraid? Fear is a powerful motivator.

I really hope you will read your last post, and then read how you were posting this weeekend before Halloween.

He controls you with his LATEness! He LEFT you. He is no longer your concern. Seriously. If you never let him alone, he is never going to figure out his messed up head. He is never going to be "home for the right reasons." Of course he is still talking to her!!! He is addicted!!! His behavior is 100% predictable!!! Why do you think he should be powerful enough to resist it, when other WS's are not? He can't!

Any romantic "dreams" you have that your M is special, that he is going to "snap out of it" because you have reminded him for the MILLIONTH time that he is hurting you and the kids, and you are pregnant, ARE NOT GOING TO WORK!!!

This is a process. That is why there are PLANS. Make a plan, and STICK TO IT for longer than 2 or 3 days. He cannot see any sustainable changes as yet, because you are only beginning to make them within yourself. It's like losing weight - you might be able to tell in your clothes after 5 pounds, but others on the outside cannot tell until 10 or 15 pounds. Understand???

Ugh. I am so upset you seem to be traveling down the exact same path again, expecting different results. Why on EARTH would you consider letting him come home??? If he is willing to sleep in his CAR rather than come home, you DO NOT want him there. Trust me. He would be miserable. And with him there, do you think you could REALLY let him alone??? You haven't been able to do that yet.

Sick pattern. He calls, you nag, he yells, you cry. . . blah blah blah. Your kids don't need to live in that! Be the adult. Be brave. DO NOT LET HIM COME HOME!!!

Just as Kloe said, let him experience the consequences of his actions. He alienated his own sister? Good! Don't swoop in and try and save him from himself. He doesn't want that. He wants to feel better. He needs to figure that out. He needs to figure out that he cannot live so against his belief system and be happy. He needs to see the fantasy for what it is - fantasy. YOU cannot do that, or help him, do that. Tell him to set up more appointments with the IC for himself. He needs to begin there.

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE HOME. DO NOT TALK TO HIM ON THE PHONE unless HE REQUESTS. LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

Spider Slayer

SS,
Your post was right on target. I am stronger now but I do fear being alone. I know I can make it alone but that doesn't mean I want to be alone. I totally agree with you that if he comes back home because he has no other option then it won't work out anyway. I stayed up all hours of the night thinking the same things. I even told him I didn't want him here if he didn't want to be here. I guess I feel like how do I tell him he can't? He pays the 1000 mortgage I don't. He pays everything bascially. I do not make that much. What I make goes towards food, gas, things around the house and cellphone bills.

I sent him a email a few minutes ago saying I do not want him home if he does not want to be here. That was not my wish. That if his sister asks him to stay that he should continue to live there. That I do not want to put up with the hell he put me through the last time again. That I will not be disrespected anymore. I am sure he didn't like the email. Before I would have never sent that because I would have been afraid he would never want to be with me. But this time I was not.

I told him the kids do not deserve what is going on. He said why can't you work on a plan with me then so everyone can be happy. It don't have to be like this. I guess I don't understand what kind of plan he can come up with that I will be ok with him leaving and the kids will be ok without their father there full time. He is just so fogged up the [censored].

He IS fogged up the [censored]. He just got done seeing her, so expect him to be very nasty to you. Right now, he associates YOU with his reason for being unhappy. I was venting to my H this morning, telling him you were considering letting your H come home. And he had an excellent point (especially since he is a FWH) - right now, your WH thinks YOU are the problem with him. He doesn't realize his unhappiness is coming from his own choices.

See, the further a person's belief system is, from their actions, is how much turmoil they will go through while that chasm is open. And the way he "bridges" that chasm between what he believes and what makes him feel good, is by JUSTIFYING that chasm. One of his justifications is that he doesn't love YOU. He has convinced himself at this point that he never did. Bull Pucky.

It is all part of what he has done to himself with his choices. As soon as I pulled out of my H's chaos, he couldn't blame me for his unhappiness anymore. I began having fun with the boys, began having fun in my life, didn't contact him anymore. He suddenly began to realize that I was the FUN and HAPPY person, that he wanted to be with. Instead of saying, "She this, she that, that's why I am doing these things that go against my belief system." He began saying, "WHY did I leave her? Why did I leave that life that I liked so much?"

Do you see how that works? But it must be HIM that sees it all. And the easiest way to do that is to simply begin working on yourself and your life. Begin by faking it, and soon it will begin to be VERY real and VERY fun and VERY nice.

How can you tell him he cannot come home? Say, "If you are not 100% dedicated to NC, like giving up the cell phone dedicated, and going to IC and/or MC and working on our M, then you need to stay someplace else. I am pregnant with our child, I don't need the stress, and our kids need the stability of me being calm and focused on them - NOT YOU if you are not 100% committed to M recovery."

If he wants to do legal separation, or file for D, fine. Let him. You will be provided for. Try not to let your fear make decisions for you. If he goes to a lawyer, you go too. I would actually recommend that you go soon, before the baby is born. Find out what kind of support you can expect, and what you would have to come up with each month to live. The facts are much less scary than the unknown.

SML, I can pretty much tell you the exact DAY that I had taken all my power back, and my H noticed. I had been struggling with NC like you. I was not in Plan B. My H didn't want any contact, so that was actually my Plan A, in a very weird way. Make sense? Anyway, I struggled just as you do. I kept wanting to reach out to him! Communicate with him! And it ended much the same as yours does.

Well, I had been "on the wagon" for about 3 weeks. H called one morning to come get some tax info. He had sent an email the night before, requesting I look for this info. I did, found it, and sent him an email saying so. He replied that he would be by in the morning, while the boys and I were at church (he didn't even like me being home when he was, we would begin fighting). Well, the boys and I were eating breakfast. I finally started cooking again. We were having an old family favorite, pancakes and bacon. So, the house was all bright and cheerful (a sunny day in winter), smelled SO GOOD, and me and the boys were watching cartoons and eating and laughing.

H called. He was on his way over. He thought we were going to a 9 am service. I said, we aren't going until 10:45, come back later. He claimed he couldn't wait. So, I gathered all the papers and set them by the front door - just open the door, get them, and get out - that was my message to him, basically.

He gets there, and he claims he remembered something else he needed, and came in. I did NOT invite him for breakfast. The boys and I did not even stop watching TV! It was so cool. And I didn't realize how cool until after he left, he went to his car, and stood there looking back in at us. And I could almost see the wheels turning - "Why am I not in there with them? What am I doing?"

About a month later he was home. I think that is when he began working on coming home. Clearing out his head, not contacting OW as much.

This is where you need to get, IMO. Ignore him, and CREATE what you know you have to offer. It is hard. But he WILL notice. Imagine, he lives in and out of his car, constant torment, blah blah blah. He comes to pick up the boys for a visit, the house is tidy, the boys are HAPPY, everything looks and smells its best. He only sees you, you are pleasant, as you would be to a guest. No hugs, no R talk, just smiles and "Hope you are doing well in the choices you are making. I'm doing well in the choices I am making" kind of attitude.

Spidey

Bumpety Bump Bump

BUMP BUMP!

Well I talked to him after I sent him a email bascially saying I did not want him to come here if he didn't want to be here. That he would just be miserable and resent me. That if was going to come that I wanted respect and I would not put up with the hell he has put me through the last time. I asked him where he was staying tonight. He said at his sister house. Said he didn't want to come home because he didn't want to be here.

Makes me sad but what you said is very true SS. That right now he associates me with his unhappiness. But his own choices are what is causing it. I also see that because he associates me with it that he feels he does not love me or never did. I don't know if this will change in time or not. I don't know if he will want to try in our marriage. When I found out he didn't want to come home I was kinda relieved because as much as I want him home. I want him here for the right reasons. But in a way it makes me sad that he gave up on us so quickly and allowed someone else in his heart and mind.

Way to go! SS will be so proud! I know this was hard, but you definately did the right thing. You are starting to have respect for yourself and your boundaries and WH will notice this. Keep it up and take care of yourself and that baby girl.

I agree with the other posters, he is NOT welcome home.

And stop this cycle...the calling, the b&tching, the crying, you are just making the OW seem so much more appealing. You are becoming the clinging, willing to take any scraps, wife.

You are better than that!!

Ask for what YOU deserve!

You deserve a H that WANTS to be there, is not calling OW, and is working on the M.

Sometimes it is a REAL eyeopener when the WS sees what life is like when they make the people around them mad.

Your SIL would not put up with the lies and sarcasm and keeping out of touch...why should you?

Don't think of it as a permanent separation, just until he can get his life in control and can learn to treat the people around him with respect.

You don't have to listen to him, don't let the kids beg him (it hurts them too), DON'T CALL. You don't need that torture!!!

You are TOO BEAUTIFUL for this treatment!!

It's time to be patient...time to wait for him to come to you...time for him to get ALL his needs met by the OW-child.

Every phone call you make, he knows he has you as a safety net.

Stop the contact with him, give him a taste of life without you, while you still have love left...

How did it go at the doctors today? How are you doing?

You are doing great, SML. How are things? Kloe and I NEED to know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My computer has been acting up so I wasn't able to get on all day. I went to my doc appointment this morning. I am still about the same as last time expect now I am 60%. He said he will see my next week. I was hoping to go and hear that I am almost there. But no such luck.

I have been having a rough time last night and today. I am very emotional. My husband did not come home. He said since I told him I didn't want him here if he didn't want to be here that he decided to stay at his sisters. Even though I don't want him home if he is forced. I still am hurt that he doesn't want to be here. I do miss him very much. I long to be held by him. I go from being strong to being weak I guess. I am on my own little roller coaster.

Hey there SML,
hang in there sweetie....it must be hell right now...being ready to give birth....all the hormones surging through your body. But you are on the downslide right now.

I think if you can hang on ..until after the baby gets here....we'll see a different person in SML.
Something about a daughter..... when you see her....hold her....it will tell you something. The message is there now...but no one has brought this up.

What is this saying to your children ? Dad is all screwed up in the head..and Mom rides the wave. You're going to turn this around... Dad is still going to be screwed up for awhile...but Mom is going to be SO together !!!!

No 2X4 from me (my own personal agenda is for you to hold out until 11/22.....that's my birthday ....hehe)

hang in there.... I'm dying to know what you and kloe are naming your little ones on the way !!!

SML, I know it is hard. You MUST expect the guit-trip from him. You MUST expect him to turn your words, and twist them, and make it feel like this is all your own "fault," a circumstance of your "choosing."

It is NOT. YOU are placing firm boundaries of protection around yourself, your unborn daughter, and your two sons. I actually considered this my responsibility when my H was Wayward. I considered it part of MY marriage vows, that I would keep safe and protect our children - when H wasn't capable of doing that. When he was on leave in the Army, when he traveled for business out of the Army, I was the sole protector of our family.

I just kinda pretended my H was gone on an extended business trip (to the alien ship, where they were holding his brain captive as his body walked around!). The man who looked like him - well, that was NOT the man I had made any promises to. After he moved out, every decision I made first started out with: Is this good for the boys? Is this good for me?

I am thinking and praying for you, Tina. You can do this. I promise you, you can come out of this on the other side, and your entire sitch will look so much different to you. Everything shifts, your power will be back within yourself, and your "train" will begin moving forward.

Keep on keeping on. One foot in front of the other, one minute, one hour, one day at at time.

Spidey

BUMP!

SML, I hope your puter is down again, and not that you are having a hard time, or gone into labor, or not want to talk to us anymore!

HUGS to you, friend! Post soon!

Spidey

Betrayed,
Thanks for the encouragement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes it is very hard right now. I also think the added hormones makes everything even worse. One minute I am fine the next I am breaking down.

The name we came up with if it truly is a girl is Chloe Grace. If it happens to be a boy it will be Tyler.

SS,
I my pc is still acting up but also haven't been posting as much because I feel like I am not doing the greatest at this whole thing. Yes I am stronger but I have my weak moments. My mom is here tonight. Atleast it gives me a little break of being alone and thinking about him. I did some shopping with the kids tonight and took them to McDonald's. They have been not listening the greatest lately. Seems like they know the days that I am frustrated and they seem to push even more.

Kloe,
How are you feeling today? I am so ready for this to be over. I think I am ready to pop any minute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I went grocery shopping tonight and most of my food was sweet stuff. I need to stop.

I'm doing o-k, just starting to feel so big and awkward lately. Everytime I drop something I just groan, knowing picking it up is not so easy. Plus this little girl is sitting on my bladder so everytime I move I feel like I have to run to the bathroom. Things with WH seem to be going good. He's been calling me and e-mailing me all week. And he invited me to a family birthday party on Sunday night. I can't wait to see everyone. Our last lamaze class was last night and they scheduled a reunion for March after everyone has their babies. He sent me an e-mail today to let me know he put it on his calendar. Kind of weird making plans with him that far in the future right now. Oh well, we'll see.

More and more all I can think of is holding my baby and getting to know her. It's so overwhelming to think I am going to be responsible for another human being pretty soon!

I know you are feeling frustrated lately, but you're doing so well. Hang in there and keep doing the best you can.