Thanks Weaver, my first Alanon meeting is tomarrow night. Closest one is 30 miles.

His mother will enable him. I would not be surprised if she doesn't come take care of him,
laundry, cleaning and cooking. He is 47 yrs old and she still packs his lunch during
planting and harvest.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
It will be hard on her, I've thought of that. SHe also takes care
of her mother (86 yrs) and stepfather (bedridden & 94 yrs) on a daily basis. Yes, she is
a saint. She also practically raised her grandson. He is 13 now. His mom is alcoholic,
and his dad is also, and his dad also has had numerous affairs. Poor kid, some home life.


Anyway, his mom told me that my DD could come take care of her dad,, and I said no way and
don't you do it either. This is very important, its a chance (maybe the only chance) to
get him sober.

His dad is also bad alcoholic (for 40 yrs) and also abusive (not physical).
My H is a chip off the ole block.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have some some feelings about how I think this will play out but will keep them to myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you please share this with me? I would sure love to know what to expect.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know what stage of alcoholism he is in or how the violence factor could play out.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know either. I know he drinks almost every night. At least 5 nights per week. He is a mean drunk
verbally and emotionally and I am afraid of him at that time. He has never hit me though.

Thanks for the big hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now all I need is that kick in the [censored]

Danneill

The way I think it will play out is that he will bottom out quickly but it will get very bad before before that happens. And that you are going to have to be very strong, because the whole family has been enabling this disease for generations it sounds like. And I think it is going to take some real strength on your part to show him that things will change or you will be gone.

He is not having an affair right now, so no woman to run to. He doesn't even know how to turn on the washer for pete's sake.

The fact that no one thinks you will really leave, even his mom, says a lot.

Sounds like they are all in for a big surprise.

At al-anon you will learn about the different stages of alcoholism. People have different personalities but the stages are predictable. He could get sloppy eyed drunk from two drinks if he has reached tolerance for instance. Alcoholism is physiological disease where the alcoholics liver processes alcohol differently because of a gene they inherent. Alcoholism is worse than other addictions because of the physiological aspects, for instance every cell in his body is screaming for alcohol. You will need to understand the physical part of it to be able to deal with it also, and to deal with your own resentment.

He is abusive when he is drunk because for one he feels safe being that way. People don't usually act in such a way unless the people around them let them. When you tell the people at al-anon that you are planning to leave and put new boundaries in place, they will help you make sure you are safe and have help. At least around here that is how it works. I rec'd tons of help while taking care of my dad, of course by then he was in the final stages of the disease and dying so mostly it was emergency medical help by then.

Well thats kind of my take on your sitch because of what you have written.

I don't know what kind of love you have left for him, or if you hope for a future that includes him, if he gets well.

I can't tell you enough how much I admire you. A lot of spouses of alcoholics never even make it as far as you have, because of the dynamics of the alcoholic family. They often need for the alcoholic to stay that way so they don't have to make changes or become well themselves. Don't want to upset the status quo so to speak.

Danniell,

I am posting some links that I found that in my opinion sum up the disease very well. Check them out when you get some time, okay?

Alcoholism as a Primary Disease
Based on many years of clinical experience, reinforced by recent and continuing research into the genetic, biochemical and physiological aspects of the effects of alcohol on living systems and of alcoholics and their families, the American Society of Addiction Medicine finds that alcoholism is a complex primary physiological disease, and neither a primary behavior disorder nor a symptomatic manifestation of any other disease process.

Adopted By ASAM Board of Directors 10/14/83


www.lakesidemilam.com/utimra.htm

www.chrcrm.org/programs_yhaa_2_00.htm

I have not moved yet. Do have a few things over there so far.
Report cards came out today. My
very bright DD has 2 (almost 3) failing grades. SHe is a junior.
Called H to please stop home to discuss report card. I told him that I want him
to have a part in deciding what to do about DD grades.

He said I need to be more strict, that I need to put my foot down, then he proceeded
to tell me for the 1000th time thats where I screwed up with my older DD. It's my fault
she cannot hold a job ect..blah blah blah

I stood up and told him we are not discussing older DD. This is about his and my DD. Older
DD graduated 4 years ago. Our DD has failing grades and we need to do something....I refused
to argue with him.

So I catch hell for involving him and hell for not involving him.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

After we made decisions on what to do with DD I said that I have a few questions to ask that only
require a yes or no answer. He started rolling his eyes, said here we go again....I said I do not, nor am I looking for a fight. Just some
answers to some questions. No arguments, just Yes or No....A no brainer...He reluctantly sat back down.

I asked him if he wanted to save this marriage.
His answer....YES

I asked if he is willing to negociate.
His answer YES

I asked him if he is willing to go to MC.
His answer YES

I asked him if he is willing to separate for awhile.
First he said NO...then he said YES

I asked him if he is willing to move.
His answer a very loud NO

I asked him if he would consider moving so that our DD would not have to move.
He said NO, she could stay with him. I told him no, she will stay with me whether I stay
here or live elsewhere and that it will be hard on her to move.
No stood fast with NO, he will not move.

I asked him if he is willing to quit drinking.
His answer an angry NO

I asked him if he is willing to go to AA.
His answer...FOR WHAT??

Then he said "Are you willing to see a F***ing psychiatrist?, cause you sure need one."

Then he said he has told all his friends and family that he is a worthless, piece of sh*t,
F***ing drunk not worth a G**Damn, ect...........blah blah blah
(I wanted to say..and they agreed right?) But I don't dare say that to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

In other words he has told his friends and family that I consider him a worthless blah blah blah...

So where in the heck do I go from here? My IC called him early this week. He agreed to come talk to her, made appt. and then canceled couple days later. Had another meeting he had to attend at the same time. He did reschedule for next Tuesday. We'll see if he goes.

Found an AlAnon meeting. Was very disapointed. Only 5 women there. One dominated the whole hour with bull****. Waste of time. Looking for another group now.

So thats the story. Just more of the same and more denial.

Danneill