Hey, Miker. Another Canadian, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Slipped the "eh" in a few of my posts, too. I'm a BC er. Are you an AB er or maybe an SK er?

Sounds like you are in a similar space to me. But, from your posts, you sound like you are getting frustrated. And, if you need the space, to get a grip on things, perhaps a Plan B. IF you have read and studied them.

You did great with the exposure.

But, I also think you would need to look at how either plan would affect your wife's reaction because of her depression. Coupled with her WS "fog" how will that affect her? I so agree with Lemonman when he says don't be a doormat. BUT, with children it is a big deal for either plan. Even if the kids aren't told the whole story. they see how you deal with a spouse that is leaving the relationship. A Plan A can teach them to not give up EVEN when things are just awful. But, if they see you grovelling when they know you have done nothing wrong, that is also something to consider. A Plan A with boundaries that fit your own situation and your own will, is the only Plan A that will work. If you Plan A with hatred in your heart, or disgust at what you are doing, that will not work. Either plan is a labour of love for the family. But it is labour of the hardest kind.

Always know that your kids are watching and spongeing up everything you do and say. How old are they? That has a lot to do how you handle the situation. What do they know?

Are you seeing an IC for you and the kids?

That's my loonie, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 01:53 AM: Message edited by: fightingalone-again ]</small>

Hope things are going better for you today Miker. Keep us posted. Stay strong, and remember you deserve better then how she is treating you. Demand better or back away. You will feel better sooner then continueing to throw yourself on the fire trying to smoother the flame. All your getting by doing this is getting burned and it hurts right?!?!

Hi all,

I'm home today from work with a sick kid so I'm having some time to do some good thinking about this.

ZizzyCool,

Some really good suggestions, and after I've sat down and thought about this more, I really think now is not the right time for me to totally detach from her. I do honestly think that the situation won't change until I do, but the timing just isn't right. She is the classic case of having her cake and eating it too. You are right in that rather than detach totally I need to put some boundaries in place and spend some time and figure out how the heck I can detach totally. I'm still confused and it's going to take some thinking to figure out sematics given the kids and her current living situation. I also have the legal proceedings which I would like to have completed before I drop the B bomb. As the B bomb could make negotiations pretty tough I imagine.

Fighting-Alone,

I'm from AB and yes I am getting really frustrated and I feel really used. I do think I can hold out a bit longer, but I definitely have to start getting my thoughts together on how best to detach from this situation if things don't improve. I can't go on like this forever. I have a toddler and two preteens (Tweens). I am going to a weekly support group with my kids and I find it wonderful (and look forward to it every week). The kids don't complain so they must think its alright too. They haven't talked much about the situation yet, but I've heard for some kids it takes a long time...


KMEJ,

Yes things are going a bit better today. After thinking about things, I've decided to slow down and take my time figuring out how best to do a B like plan. Implementing it isn't a simple case in my scenario and from what everyone says not something I should just jump into.

But I am going to get caller ID right away :-) That way I can at least reduce the surprises and put in some boundaries.

And thanks for the kind words and the late night counselling last night.

Miker

Miker, sorry to hear about your kid. I hate it when mine are sick. NOT FUN

Glad to hear that you have been able to do some thinking. You are right, plan b is NOT easy. It is actually very hard to do. Think about it before you decide, however IMO, plan B has a better track record- and wakes the WS up fast to what life is really going to be like with out you. It worked for me, but not for all.

Well I did get call display and I have made some boundaries. Just in the nick of time too. We had our first public kid school event since the separation.

Talk about uncomfortable. She wouldn't make eye contact and I felt like I wanted to run out the place. But we got through it, and the kids talked to both of us and seemed ok with how we behaved.

I sure don't like being in public with her though. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm a chump for marrying someone who would do such things. I can't imagine how she must feel with the guilt she is surely carrying around. Oh well maybe the fog is protecting her, I don't have any fog to protect me so I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

I really question how much hope there is for us if we can't stand to be in the same room together... but maybe if the person I married did come back things would be different. I'll be patient for a while (as things have happened really fast) but I'm not counting on it.

Cheers,

Miker

Miker-
Hang in there buddy. This is just the beginning. Things will get worst things will get better. You will have good days and bad days. Right now there are way more bad then good. Soon you will find yourself counting the good days. I am not saying they will be good days with her, they will be good days for YOU. You will start to cope better, enjoy your kids more, and not let her and this A eat up every second of your day, every thought in your mind. Becareful though because once you think you are doing fine with out her, she will be back to disrupt that. Do not let her until or unless she is following the N/C rule, and she is proving to you that she is ready.

I wish I would have followed my own advice. I just wanted my H back so badly I did not care how it happened. Now I am 10 months in the a false recovery. My H still longs for the OP, still keeps her number in his phone, and e-mails her.

Yes he loves me, I know he does. He is not so good with showing that other then with gifts. He can be romantic, he can make me feel special, but only when he sees me walking away.

Set your boundaries, stick with them. I wish I did.

Good luck, and take care of those kids!!