Remember way back when recovery started and you were so gleeful. There were folks on here that pretty much said...enjoy it while it lasts. Others came to your defense and pretty much said don't rain on her parade...

It is GREAT at the beginning, you both have hope and energy. And there IS a great threat you could go back into some very bad habits again.

What have you been able to change? And what have you asked Dad to change?

These changes won't happen overnight, but if you are both working TOWARDS them...

I know I expected my H to want to be there and do everything right, because he loved me that much. But he was not able to do those things before, how could I expect him to learn to do it overnight? We have been working hard watching our own behavior, asking the other person for changes. Letting them know when their behavior is out of hand...

It's a tough road, but it gets better EVERY day!

Thank you for your posts! I just hope that my "insecurities" wont push him away...make him think that it is too much for him to handle or too much effort to make me feel secure all the time. I must trust his ACTIONS and trust his words. I honestly believe he means it this time. I really do. I just hope I have not pushed him away. I trul do love him with all my heart. Sometimes I may doubt myself or even him, but in the end I do believe that we will be a very happyily married couple. I believe that if we can get over the humps in the road we CAN and WILL make it!

I really do love that man! I really do! I am so glad he has chosen the path of recovery and not destruction. I know he will STAY on the right path and not waver back to the latter. I know I will STAY on the right path. We do have a long road ahead of us...we can get thru this together...we are ONE UNIT now, just as we were when we first got married. WE have three beautiful little boys who deserve happy parents and we ARE happy now. And we will be happy forever in each others arms. We will conquer whatever life brings us in the future, good or bad. We will make it thru the next few months of HELL! he will guide me thru when my dad passes away and be there to hold my hand. I want no other man to be by my side than the man I married 12 years ago. Thank you dad! I love you!

I've read from many a WS and from BS's relaying this, that WS are afraid they will be crucified for their infidelity the rest of the M.

I have kept that in mind.

At the beginning I wanted to know EVERYTHING, wanted to rage at him and let him know how bad I hurt. If I had talked with him the many times I wanted to, he would not be with me today.

I had to learn to hold my tongue (tough for me).

I had to learn to say things like, "I think about the A everyday, but I don't want to harass you with quesitons as often as I think about them. I would like to ask you questions every once in a while...once every couple of weeks, if that is OK, until I think less about the A?"

I learned to ask a SINGLE question, then change the subject.

I learned to talk about the A as an abstract...like, our M was in big trouble last year, or we made it through a big hurdle.

I began to realize that recovery for him might be harder than it was for me. That I could remain confident that I never strayed, but he had to live with that shame and guilt.

Welcome to receovery, I almost gave up MANY times. It was almost worse than when the A was going on, because my expectations were higher. Hang tough, but be gentle!

Trust that he's doing the best that he can.

Don't trust that he won't hurt you. After all, he didn't intend to hurt you when he made comments about what the FOW would think.

Don't trust your insecurities. They want you to feel bad.

You and your H are going to make a lot of mistakes as you get to know each other again. Have compassion for all of these recovery mistakes you'll make together.

The toughest thing about recovery is that you only have a compass and not a map. Drop all expectations about "staying on the right path" cause the compass doesn't reveal what the terrain looks like.

Infidelity turns people into total schziophrenics. Just look back at your own posts - the insecurities, uncertainties etc. You (and I!) are sensible, logical, practical women who can probably deal with any problem that comes our way EXCEPT THIS. I am so sorry for your turmoil. We all need some inner peace. What a challenge this presents. Your father is a priority now and I hope the rest of your family can respect that. You are very brave to put your relationship up for such scrutiny on TV. Wish I was in the States to see it. Best wishes, TT

Mom,

U can't just love the 'man' he has become. You should have higher standards than that. Instead you need to give your love to the man who has proved he can be the man you and your family deserve. Remember this recovery stuff is gonna take time for him also. Don't push your recovery. It has to go at it's own pace. Recall when you pushed it before.

Recognize your H is an Xws in recovery. Not an H.... yet. Know that he is working towards it but realize that he is still and may continue t/d comparisons of various sorts as a way to help himself pull out of recovery. He won't do it your way, he will do it his way and sometimes that will hurt.

re: As much as I wanted to 'know' about the A or OW, it hurt to be put in a 'comparison' type of description as his way of showing me he was committed to our M. It didn't last long. He felt since I wanted to know 'her boobs' were flat and I was better looking (go figure..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), that I would be happy..... well by that time in our recovery, I wasn't. That knowledge no longer was a positive force anymore. It lost its appeal. This time period frustrated me but it was short lived.

My recommendation is that you sit your H down and let him know that your need reassurance. Then let him know what kind of reassurance than means. Then ask him what kind of reassurance he needs from you. Strengthen the support between each of you.

Periodic checking of the communication lines between the 2 of you is important. Your family has undergone and will continue to undergo further attacks, keep ahead of these attacks by keeping your communication tactics strong. A look, a sigh, a hug and all the verbal communication tools will help. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All the best.
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We will conquer whatever life brings us in the future, good or bad. We will make it thru the next few months of HELL! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">M23B...hang on to these concepts...FAITHFULLY.

I posted to Dad last week...I think that whole thing at the NH made everything a little funky for a few days. I reminded him of the NC...and it being about protecting HIM too. Of course he has all the emotions going on...I can't even BEGIN to figure them all out..and I can just about GUARANTEE you ...he is NOT wanting to dump on you..knowing the situation with your Dad..is adding to your stress.

He's in the right place now...I told him that...I'm telling you that.

I know this HAS to be VERY difficult..because you DID have a few FALSE recoveries...but think TODAY. I know..you're insecure...but you dig deeper...it's really work well put in right now.

He is going through all the normal recovery stuff right now ! I know this doesn't sound like anything to celebrate right ? Well I think it is.

Be patient...be kind to each other...and more importantly print out your OWN words...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We will conquer whatever life brings us in the future, good or bad. We will make it thru the next few months of HELL! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and put them in your pocket, on the fridge, on the dashboard of the car... on the bathroom mirror...ANYWHERE....so when you do feel that insecurity...YOU can remind yourself that you WILL make it.

I want you to know that I have read the posts, but I am on my out the door for SAT. I am just putting on a pot of chili for the guys for tonight.

I will respond to everyone tonight, but I wanted to respond to Orchid real quick cuz this stuck out at me...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> U can't just love the 'man' he has become. You should have higher standards than that. Instead you need to give your love to the man who has proved he can be the man you and your family deserve. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are absolutely right! I dont just love the man he has become..I love the man he was waaay before the A...I love the man I know he IS...I love the man and father I knew pre A....I love the man who I know will stand by me no matter what, the man who will hold my hand in good times and in bad, the man that has come forward and is going to make this better...and the man who has proved he can be the man my family and I deserve to have!

Amen Mom on your last paragraph. I hope you get all that and more. Your H was truly lost, and hopefully you both can rebuild your M now. Just realize that withdrawal is real, and it sucks! HUGS! CV