LemonMan, you are very right and how silly of me to step in when she asked for you. I will leave her in your capable hands.

Well KMEJ. I can only offer your prayers. I can see with 100% certainty what I WOULD do in your situation. I have not ever saved a marriage so I will just offer support. It is situations like yours that are so tragic, and that makes me certain in my beliefs about what people do on here. Anyways, I am gonna go and let the people that have "recovered" marriages gove you real advise. I will pray for you. Talk to you tomoorow.

Melody whoa- I did not ask you to leave. Please do not.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS!!

okay and sorry lemonman.
Please look me up when you are on tomorrow
sleep well for me b/c I will not

Melody:

In all honesty please stay and give her some advice. I apologize for being rude to you. I soemtimes let my emotions get the better of me. You are right and I do not have the experience to offer her advise to save this marriage...you obviosuly do, and I think you should help her.

KMEJ--
Please, please read Surviving an Affair. All of the things your H is doing are normal for a person embroiled in an A. It is NOT about YOU and how you could be better etc.

Stop. Breathe slowly.

YOU are a loving person who DESERVES honesty in your M. When you are able to be calm, you MUST tell your H that you are aware that contact has continued. You do not have to reveal your source, but remain firm. COntact is NOT OK with you. Read up on the MB plans and decide where you are with this.
I have read other posters that say your H is abusive. You need to think very care fully about this and get some outside help for YOU, nevermind the M.

H does not see how talking to her and e-mailing her and keeping her pictures and letters hurt me any. He thinks it is fine and will not consider anything else,

I have read the book, maybe I need to reread it.

My H does NOT hit me that often, nor does he go over the edge that much. He is not that bad. I am not scared of him. What happens happens. My H has never broken my arm or leg or ribs. My ego is normally what gets hurt, that and my feelings and pride.

Thanks for your concern. I just do not know if this is worth it anymore. Will I EVER be enough for my h or will be constantly be out looking for the Next Mrs. J

lemonman- or any man-
why is my H doing this? Why does he not want to spend time with me, why will he not touch me,why is nothing I do good enough, WHY DOES HE NOT LOVE ME? Oh yeah he says he loves me, but his actions say he does not.

WHY IS HE CONTACTING HER????!!!???!!

KMEJ, that is not acceptable. Your H can never hit you. {i]Never.[/i] This is a serious problem that trumps anything else. You cannot stay with an abusive H, especially with little kids. He has to get help for this or you are not safe. Do you realize how serious this is, KMEJ?

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

it has been almost a year since he hit me, he has gotten better with that. Yes he still gets mad and "hugs me hard" or pushes me, but he has been able to stop hitting and dragging me. He is doing better. Like I said I am not afraid of him. PLEASE STOP QUOATING me - I need to be able to deleate

KMEJ---
He is NOT going to get it right now. Let that go. ACCEPT that your H is in an A and it is not BECAUSE of YOU!

You MUST slow down here. Breathe slowly and deeply.

You do need to read the book again. But, sweetie, to say that he doesn't hit you "that often" to me is terrible! He should NEVER hit youand you should never allow that to continue. You need SERIOUS help. Is there a hotline you can call?? Help for battered women or something?

If your H was this way pre A I think there are some big issues that are too deep for us here at MB.

But for YOU---slow down. Pray. I used to visualize Jesus and Mary sitting next to me on my bed, with their hands on my back, calmly comforting me, letting me know I was loved and I would never truly be alone. Do you have any faith that you can draw upon? These are the darkest hours when the pain is so fresh and new and hope seems so far away. You must start within to create peace. YOU are the only one who can do it for yourself. This is going to be the wonderful lesson that you learn from this and you will emerge a stronger person for it.

KMEJ, do you have a counselor?

I believe in god, Not so good at praying.

I could just go for a maid and a shower right now, I feel so dirty. My house is trashed and it is late. I did not clean last night because I was on here, so add yesterdays dirt to what the little tornadoes created today, and you can imagine the horrible mess that I have!!

I am doing ok. better for now.

My H is not Physically abusive, please stop calling him that. Emotional yeah, I will give you that.

I just still do not understand why he is talking to her. I have given him EVERYTHING I HAVE and it is still not enough

I did, but she told me that what was going on was my fault and I had to figure out what i did to push my H away or she could not help me. I never went back and am scared to try again.

Wait a minute, KMEJ. We didn't call him physically abusive, YOU DID. And that is an issue that must be addressed. Do you have or know a counselor in your town?

You told her that he hit and pushed you?

read above post on counselor.

SOmeone asked me way back when if he was ever physical, I said yes. I did not realize that gave him a label. I amnot trying to sound weird or the ever defensive wife of said husband, I just do not want people to feel bad or worry about me in that avenue. H has not hit me in a long time. It is the emtional rejection that is so hard to take. Does that makes since?

KMEJ, and a counselor could help you with that emotional rejection. You need one on one help that you can't get on the internet. You have a very stressful life, a stressful marriage and your family lives far away. You are also very young and desperately need some experienced guidance and support. Do you know where to find a good counselor? I think a good one would give you enormous relief.

Hey there,

Wow. I just read through a few posts on here and people seem to be having a rough night.

I think someone already said this but you aren't the one that had the affair. You are the one trying to save the marriage. You are the good person in all this, trying to do the right thing. You can't control what others do and you are doing the best you can. That's all anyone can ask of you. I think you are doing a great job but he just keeps on pushing you back down.

It makes me sick to see your self-esteem so beaten down. I know it all too well as my self-esteem was just completely shattered by my wife's A. Its starting to come back a little bit since we've been separated but its definitely been a struggle. Fortunately I've had great family and friends (and internet buddies) to pick me up when I'm down.

Just don't make a rash decision like I want to do all the time :-) Spend some time and think about it and talk it out. Maybe it is time to give up and decide this isn't the partner for you? You definitely have put in a huge effort trying to make it work (more than I think I'm capable of) so I don't think anyone could fault you for finally throwing in the towel.

Hang in there girl, I know you know how to weather the storm...

KMEJ, I am so very sorry you are going through this again/still. I know how you feel. I would add “exactly”, but I don’t what you to think I can read your mind.

My W had a 10-year long PA with a coworker. I first found out about it in 1998. We went through MC, IC and she promised over and over she broke it off. I remember her telling me with tears in her eyes she knew how much she hurt me and that she would never do it again. All while she was still seeing him! And it went on for another five years. I know how much it hurts. I wish I could personally hand you a tissue. Buy you a margarita even. I really do.

I am not an expert; I barely know what to do myself. So take this as well meaning but only personal advice. I think both ML and Lemonman have it sort of correct. Have you read the articles here on Plan A and B? No? Read them tonight. It will keep you busy. If you have been doing a good plan A up to now and you have new proof of contact it is time to write your Plan B letter.

Do your homework and ask questions about Plan B. With the election going on tonight you will not get much visibility here until manana.

Personally, I also suggest calling the Harleys or Penny Tupy on SYMC (she calls Plan B the Protection Phase – it's slightly different in execution for BW’s – and she “doesn’t do nice”) tomorrow.

If you want to keep busy, read DLee’s thread on recovery. There is a lot of good advice in there. Pay attention to Cerri's discussions on emotional detachment – becoming a fly on the wall. It helps you get through these terrible moments. And it helps when you confront your H about renewed contact. Don't do this by yourself if he gets violent, though.

Remember, affairs are every bit as strong an addiction to hard drugs. He may lie blatantly and verbally attack. Stay calm and detach, detach, detach. The angrier he gets the more likely he has been in contact.

Just tell him it hurts and destroys your will to reconcile. Tell him what you feel without accusing him of anything.

Turning your friend is not an issue. Saving your sanity is.

I will pray special for you tonight.

PS: I am not familiar with your situation other than this thread. If you have heard all this before, I am here to just listen for a while yet. DS has a civics assignment to watch the election so I am here for another hour or so.

T