Hmmmm...it's been "suggested?" By whom? When? In what context?

I think you need to be a LOT firmer with this woman. You need to tell her to STOP talking with your husband - AT ALL.

Your husband should NOT be having secret conversations with your best friend. She needs to understnad clearly that you DON'T consider that appropriate..or friendly.

I have been trying to get answers to those questions, but she will not comment as she is at work. I have asked her to meet me this afternoon, says she has family plans (married with 2 kids) but will call me later. I told her that I thought we should meet and asked her to make time.

I am sinking faster now then last night. What else is she not telling me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ
Member
Member # 37888

posted November 03, 2004 12:56 PM
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Mrs. Priss-

Thanks for that. You are right about one thing, I do live for my Husbands approval. I wait for him to make decisions for me. I want him to be happy and try my best to make that happen. It does not happen very often.. I am all out of ideas and yet he is still not happy. I think maybe he is just unhappy with himself and he finds it easier to blame me and take me down with him. He loves me on some level. I do not feel he is in love with me though. Something I have accepted. I need to expect more. Question is HOW?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you need to do is EXPECT NOTHING.

That way you won't be let down.

I love the term.....HOPE FLOATS....I used that term through my hardest times....after I quit expecting anything because I was constantly being let down by my expectations.

I see myself 4 years ago in you.
Always trying to make everyone happy....not having anyone to talk to....because I had exhausted everyone with my woefull tales.....and worrying way too much about what my H was doing and why he was doing it.....constantly trying to analyze everything he did...or didn't do.

YOU need to make you happy.....your H can't do that...he's already proved that.

The world does NOT revolve around your H.

You can survive without him if that's what it comes to.....you are already doing it. You just don't realize it.

You are more than what you think you are......even more than your H will ever think of you....believe me.

You WILL reach the end of your rope...and soon I think......you just have to realize YOUR worth to yourself.

Don't bet that you are going to be getting any truthful answers from this woman.

She is only going to tell you what she wants to tell you.

I think I remember reading the post about your H messaging your BF's H about the "swinging" and if I remember correctly....it seemed that the only person that was against it was you......hmmm.....BIG RED FLAG.

I'm not usually a betting woman.......but if I were.....I'd bet $100 that more has went on than talking at one point or another.

Sorry to be saying this....I know this has to have you spiralling even furhter down your whole......but the signs are there. I think that from now on....you need to rely on your own perceptions....and get her out of the picture.

KMEJ..

You are surrounded by sharks and you don't even realize it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You have to have some minimum standard of treatment that you will demand for yourself?

Any and all contact between your "friend" and your H should cease immediately.

This is ridiculous.

I'm afraid that you are in denial. That you love who you want your H to be..not who he is [consistently].

What were the grounds on which he was allowed to move home?

For cryin' out loud. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Do not be afraid of what you lose in him..be afraid of what you lose in yourself and in your children by allowing this mistreatement to occur.

You do not need Lemonman to tell you to leave..YOU evaluate the sitch and decide. A message board should not hold this much sway..we are just a bunch of shmoes, voicing our opinions..largely as entertainment.

I realize the oddness of first telling you what to do..then telling you not to listen to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First do what I tell you, then disregard me entirely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

[hey, it works with my children]

Miss Priss is right...there needs to be a FIRM barrier between this friend and your H. This would be a good place to begin setting limits.

they talk mainly via-email. She saw how hurt I was when I found out he was cheating on me, heck I practically lived with them at first because I was so distraught. At least she said no, but why not tell me right a way,
Hey who was the guy wondering if he should tell his friend, He should come read this, that might help him.

I am stuck in a horriable place. Really My H and My BF!! what is this world coming to?

I really think..though hesistate to suggest..

that you feel such chaos, because you are faced with choices you do not want to make..and are scurrying around begging for another option.

The truth is laid before you though. Do what you will with the knowledge..but do not seek to deny it.
--Noodle

"At least she said no?" Are you sure? And even if she DID say No...whose to say she'll say it next time? The fact that her husband is willing to swing is a MAJOR red flag here, IMO.

Your question is a good one: why did she wait so long to tell you? She kept that secret for a reason. Why? She'll say she didn't want to hurt you. But...maybe she was considering other options?

It's not enough to trust her willpower. You HAVE to make it clear TODAY..no more emailing my husband. Period.

I was not trying to justify the situation, Right now I am so hurt <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and upset <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and shocked <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I do not know what to do. We were talking last night, she tells me he is talking to OP I ask what else she knows she says Nothing Really. Lie. I told her the very next day (only because it was late in the day) that her H was trying to get me to have an A with him, and she treated it like no big deal, that we would talk about it later. What is up with that?

Why can't I just have a normal calm marriage where I am happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

because you have surrounded yourself with people whose standards of conduct and moral compass does not match yours. That's why.

Would he leave if you asked him to? Could you get by financially without him?

Hi KMEJ sorry I wasn't able to keep up with you. {{HUG}} You ARE getting some good advice. I thought that you originially posted that the other couple was willing and that you were the ONLY one standing in the way on the swapping thing. This woman is NOT your friend, sweetie. You don't have to choose between H and her at all, unfortunately they seem to be on the same team. Another question I have is who exactly are these *other* girls he talks to? KB

no and no
He does not want to leave, if I want out I go.
He watches the kids and makes more money then I do in my two jobs put together.

I love him why is he doing this, better question why am I letting him and how do I stop it.

I mean really HOW?

the "other girls" are the OP and a girl who has wanted to be the OP for years now. However she is not H's type so he keeps her as a friend. I have asked him to stop talking to both and deleate their numbers, he will not, does not see how it hurts me any.

***Sigh***

He obviously has zero respect for you or marriage in general.

If I were you I'd plan an exit strategy. You don't have to use it, but it would be nice to have the reassurance that it was available to use if or when you need to do it.

Its pretty obvious to me that you've tried your best to save things. Maybe it still can be saved but I think you have to plan for the worst just in case.

I know I had to be apart from her just to get myself back so I could think but everyone is different.

Hang in there. I believe good people will always prevail in the end! I'm confident you will!

PS I read your list and Wow! there are several items on your list that I would have put on mine. Especially the stuff about kids and family.

Ah..I found the problem

You have not let go of control yet.

Why are you letting him behave this way? You can't stop it or control it..and have limited ability to even influence it. Realize this fully. Go ahead..take a minute.


OK?

Now..what will you do since you know this is unacceptable..he is not willing to change or leave..what will KMEJ do independently of what effect it will have on H?

Open to suggestions.
I have to go home in 5 minutes and I have no idea how to face my Husband.

KMEJ - Still don't have time to write....busy day in neurophysiology-land.....

Nor did I have time to read. Will do more when I get off work today.

BUT - I do want to ask you one question.

What do YOU (KMEJ) want?

And before you answer with "I want my H to....." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (sorry, been there, done that myself), let me clarify.

I want to you to tell me what YOU want. Not what you want your H to do. But what you want out of your M. For instance, here's what I want for any future R's I might have....

- I want to be an equal.
- I want to be listened to.
- I want to have a close family.
- I want to be respected.
- I want to be emotionally intimate.
- I want to have an SF life that is fun, intimate, and varied (OK, I am a girl, but we can enjoy it too, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
- I want to be able to argue or fight without fear.
- I want to be able to make up.
- I want to be able to discuss R related issues.
- I want to love and be loved.


Just some ideas......I used to say the same things you did....Why am I not enough? Why doesn't he like me? Why (when I do everything he asks) am I not good enough for him?

Then I moved on to: I want him to change. I want him to love me. I want him to be the nice, sweet, person I fell in love with.

Then I had to realize I could not make him be anything - just as I should not have let him make me who I was.

My last list is where I am now. I may be the WS. I may not have been 'enough' for my H. But I am human, I am repentant, I am working really hard on myself. Even I deserve to be happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

KMEJ - stop trying to do things to get him to like you. In a way, it is like trying to manipulate him......Change yourself into who you want to be. My guess is that you would be a pretty great gal!

How about this..

First..you go clean out 50% of the account.

Make a new account under only your name.

Then, you get a lawyer.

Then, you book a hotel if you haven't anyone to stay with.

Then, you go get the kids and take them there with you..leaving a letter that reads something like..

"H, the current condition, and direction of this marriage is unacceptable to me. I am leaving until and unless it has be demonstrated that you desire for the restoration above all else. I have arranged for mediation to assist in childcare division and division of assets..the date is..-----"

Make certain to give your lawyer a copy. Or have your lawyer write the letter to cover your butt.

People do this every day. It isn't as difficult or as complex as it sounds.

Poor mate selection does not have to equal a lifetime of mistreatment.

If your H truly will change..this should do it..if not..good riddance.

--Noodle