I'm experiencing an avalanche of negative thoughts these days. I don't know where to put it all.

My wife is not coming back. I'm quite convinced of it. She's had six months to get her head out of her butt, and there's no sign of it budging.

My wife never confronted any of the problems she tells people she had with me. Now she just badmouths me to her friends and family. GC thinks he knows everything. GC hurt me so much over the years and it took this A for me to realize it. GC is disagreeable, disrespectful, condescending, self-absorbed, and too intellectual.

She nestles her head in the crook of OM's neck, covered over with love. She's found someone with whom it's easier to be equal. He's smart enough to have a conversation with, but is not as smart as me, and that makes him appealing, because he's not as much of a challenge. He follows his feelings. I'm passionate, but I use my brains too much.

So I go to bed alone, sentenced to a seemingly endless stretch of feeling unloved, unattractive, and rejected.

She follows her emotions and does whatever she wants. I fight to stay on the high road, fight to keep my dignity, fight to treat her with compassion, and work to make myself better.

She has sex, companionship, and love, and she cannot wait to start building her future with OM.

I get to feel that I fought as hard as I could, and I get to know that I'm a good man. Fantastic.

You all can say that being true to yourself and knowing happiness from within is what it's all about, but any way you spin it, it sucks to be alone. People crave intimate companionship, and I have none on the horizon.

I get to have a vague sense of being on the right side and I try to be good, and still it seems the world is not all that interested.

The sparrow gets to feel wonderful as long as she's close to OM.

How am I the winner again?

Told you not to read this post if you hate self-pity.

GC

GC...I feel the same pain. Coming home to an empty home, going to bed without a goodnight kiss, waking up without that goodmorning embrace are all things we long for. From what I have learned, it has everything to do with the Love Bank....our LB's are in major debt after the emotional chaos we have been put through in combination with the lack of intimacy for WAAAAAAAAAY too long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

To help this, I have been going out more, dressing up in sexy outfits, socializing, innocently flirting, and all and all just having fun. I am not looking to date anyone cuz I am not ready and I know my heart is still attached to WH BUT going out is something we do for ourselves, something that allows our deflated confidence to rebuild. It feels good when you have eyes on you. So know that you are sexy, that you are a catch...put on your fav outfit, smile, and enjoy all those eyes on you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5
His Affair: 4 months last fall, supposively ended in 1/04; new affair suspected to have started way before d-day on May 22nd, 2004 when he came home drunk, dropped the bomb, and left.
Separated since May, divorce papers in process. After 5.5 months in Plan A, I am now in Plan B...enjoying focusing on me for once.

GC,

You sound like me.

W said a lot of the same things you hear. I am too intellectual, I lecture (the main one - have taught engineering and Physics courses - so I probably do). I ignored her (no, I didn’t – far from it, she was rewriting our M history), she needed validation like teh kind OMM gave her (they were in bed within 48 hrs of meeting, WTF) and on and on. All typical WS justifications.

Yes, I am in the same place as you, except my W came back. Even though she is remorseful now and wants to fix our M, I feel pretty much the same as you do. I wonder why?

I stay here because I love her and I am happy she is finally seeing through the fog. But at the same time I wonder why I am here. OMM was so good, why is she finally here? WS’s here say she owes me nothing. But what do I owe her?

However, experts say this is a typical recovery phase. BS’s go through this at about this time. You are right on schedule. Not much comfort, I know, but you are not alone and not an oddity.

I may be the oddity. I’ve been through this twice now.

I must be the proverbial fool in love.

T

GC,

As I said, I am somewhat quiet on your threads, but this one struck a bit of a chord. No namby-pamby "you are wonderful" post from me here (although you are). I just had a wonderful idea. What if we threw a full-blown PITY PARTY!??

We could wallow in self-pity, eat entirely too much chocolate and ice cream, drink our minds numb, and cry in our beer. Personally, I think it is just FAKE to always be up and positive and supportive. SCR3W THAT!! Let's whine together!

We could serve whine and cheese!

Melan-cauliflower salad!

Beer and Chocolate are REQUIRED!

Whaddya think? I know I'm being a bit of a prankster here, but WTF, why not really get into this and just WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE? I'm tired of being a faithful spouse who goes to bed alone, who lives a celibate life, who has to work her hiney off to barely support her children--and I' didn't do anything wrong!!!!!

So, when shall we have our PITY PARTY?? Friday night at your place, or shall we send email invites to all our MB friends and convene at the GQII forum?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


CJ

P.S. ((((((((((Graycloud)))))))))) Sorry you're feeling bummy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ohhh CJ, can I come to the party?

GC, I mostly lurk over here on GQII now because I feel like I don't "officially" belong on the this board. But your self-pity post caught my eye, because I've had a mighty sucky night myself.

Somehow, I keep telling myself (and really, I do believe it in my heart) that God is going to use all this painful, lonely stuff to grow me, and you, and all the others on here if we'll just let him. Hopefully someday we can look back someday and see some kind of positive thing that came out of this ugly situation.

But with that said.... so who is chairing the pity-party committee? I want to make sure I throw hints the proper direction so that I get invited. I'm not much for beer, but I can always have the whine with my chocolate. There will be dark chocolate, right? Godiva truffles even, perhaps?

LL

i will join you guys in the party... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Its been 13 months and i feel that i have had enough too.

This high road is beginning to feel really too much for me...

YAY! Pity Party... I could go for that. You know, I'm not very intellectual, but I sure know that I'm more intellegent than a 16 year old.

I'm in for a pity-party!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm tired of being a faithful spouse who goes to bed alone, who lives a celibate life, who has to work her hiney off to barely support her children--and I' didn't do anything wrong!!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I've just started on this (WH moved out about 5 days ago) but I've already started thinking this way...not fair that I and/or my kids should have to sacrifice because of the choice WH made! NOT FAIR! We have to sell our house, no way to keep it. I basically have to start my life all over as a single mom. I don't know how to be single. WH has already found someone else (OMW) so he doesn't have the loneliness I have. NOT FAIR!! PITY!PITY!PITY! But I have to constantly remind myself that a few years from now, MY life will be better. Most likely WH and OMW won't be together anymore, he'll start regretting the choice he made, but MY life will be better and I will be HAPPY. But I think a pity-party is still necessary and therapeutic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ditto that i have felt the same way, ditto that it is okay to whine occassionally, and ditto that all that we are going through is happening for a reason.

Gray, i cannot emphasize enough that God can help give you the strength, resolve, endurance, etc. to get through this however that means (reconciliation or D). i know you say you are an agnostic but it's frequently said that if what you are doing isn't working then it's time to try something new. maybe it's time for you?

i have become what someone has called "flippant" when i talk about my H. i looked up that word to make sure i understood what it meant and the definition was "lacking respect or seriousness." i would probably agree w/that to a great extent in that i don't respect my h for what he has done and is doing and i've stopped taking everything seriously. i have even stopped calling him my husband and i just say his name. as i said before this is probably more of a self-protection mechanism at this point for me to just come completely detached. my h only showed a few signs here and there that he had notice my changes, kind of hard though when you're not around someone and go out of your way to not see them. but his actions since dday have been nothing but focused on himself and he has never looked back. i kind of smile and ask if i hadn't find out and confronted him, i wonder when he was going to tell me? where would i be now if i hadn't confronted? if you kind of think about it he still got the easy way out.

i know i've said this before but my h and i were not the good friends that you say you and the sparrow were and i have actually been gone out of our house for over a year now. even though i didn't leave to separate, it was to start a job then my h was supposed to join me at a later time. now with all i've learned i think i really understand the R that a H and W are supposed to have. now that's not to say even "perfect" M that seemingly know all about the MB "concepts" cannot still fall victim to an A. i certainly realize i did not have the kind of R that i should have had w/my H. although i do want to say that i don't think it was a bad one either and probably not much different than many M's. but certainly we weren't meeting each other's needs and this is a must in a M. i definitely look at things a lot differently now and feel i am a better person because of everything. something that i don't think my H could honestly say about himself. it's cliche to say but time does help, there's no magic time for anyone but i think there are many here who would agree that they never imagined to be where they are at emotionally and mentally had it not been for time and how so many things can change. what gets me is when the WS use the a similar excuse that "things changed." well us BS know that this is just their own justification and that the changes we are going through are result of what they have done, or maybe could be better termed as a reaction to what they have done.

i do not want a D nor am i seeking it (that's not to say that it would wrong for us to seek a D and that i wouldn't eventually do it if i'm still never served) but i'm not going to fight it and will be glad when this is over. i still have not been served but now my H knows my current address so i'm sure it won't be long now. i know that God wants the best for me and i know that there is someone out there who believes the same as i do, will always love me and put me a priority, and someone who i will be able to trust. if my h and i got back together i don't think i would ever be able to fully trust him and i'm to the point where i don't even want to give it a shot anymore. you will come to a place where you will feel peace and i'm not going to be the last person to tell you that.

also to say that you will get some self-esteem and identity back. i had lost all that. i just didn't think i was ever going to be attractive to someone again. i wasn't sure who i was anymore because of all the changes i had made based on what i perceived as my shortcomings in the marriage. but i've lost almost 50lbs and that has done wonders for my self-esteem. SH helped me w/the identity part in saying that i was still the same person but the things i had done or the way i was, was no longer a way of life for me (like stubborness, control, critical thinking, etc.) that all those things had their place but i no longer used those things like habits and you can change habits. we are the better people for this gray, i know it's corny to say but it's true.

{{{{{{{{{{GC}}}}}}}}}}}}
hugs and continued prayers to you, RR

<small>[ November 03, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

GC, First, I am sorry about your situation.

The only advice I can give is to try to see the situation from a different angle. Maybe one era in your life is ending. But another is beginning and it is FULL of fantastic possibilities.

Yeah..meeting people is hard. But...it will happen. Keep the faith. Get out there in the world and seize the opportunity you are about to be given - the chance to reinvent your life!

Try to see this loss as new beginning.

Thanks to all...

Having a self-esteem dip. Did some telephone campaigning yesterday, and people on the phone were sick of being nagged about the election and were quite rude to me. I was unusually sensitive to this, thin-skinned even, and felt awfully bummed out afterward.

Plus I found out my WW visited our friends in NYC a couple of weeks ago, and the W told the H to "be nice", so he was, and avoided the subject of our M as much as he could. Meanwhile the sparrow sat down with the W and bagged on me and talked about wonderful OM.

It makes me feel like I'm getting dragged through the mud and my friends aren't defending me. And that adds to the feeling of rejection I guess.

Top of that, my lawyer is not doing the best job for me right now. She's not communicating well, and I have to call her today and get down on her a little, and I don't want to. I like her, and I'm not in the mood to get all critical on someone.

Wah!

Sorry, don't know why I'm so whiny all a sudden. Dag, I need to toughen up.

GC

GC, have lurked. Always wondered how you had kept your chin up for so long. Guess you were due for a drop. Sorry.

Wish I could get just one good feeling .... just one single one.

Graycloud,

First...it sounds like a pity party is in order, so I shall begin the arrangements and we can all wallow around in it for little while. Then we'll get out of the wallow and have a group shower! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Second...I can relate to the "all the people I thought were my friends aren't standing up for me" feeling. When we separated, most of our "friends" kind of sat on the fence and didn't choose my exH or choose me--they just didn't want to get involved. What an EXCUSE!! No one stood up to my exH and told him what he was doing was wrong--not his family, not our spiritual leaders, not our friends, not his co-workers--NO ONE!!! Furthermore, when he would speak to our friends, they would sort of be supportive of him...and then when I would speak to our friends, they would sort of be supportive of me.

Eventually I just realized, "Hey, you know what? There aren't that many people anymore who are willing to stand up for marriage and commitment. I'm going to have to lose a few friends here."

It makes me yoink my lunch that people whom I thought cared about me didn't. BUT...I took some time and found new friends and developed friendships with people whom I KNOW love me.

******

So on behalf of all your friends here on MB, I'm standing up for ya. BIG AND TALL (all 4ft.10in. of me)!!! Send sparrow my way and I'll tell her that what she's doing is wrong--period. When she talks about Mr. OM, I'll use my sword and slay that dragon! When she fog babbles, I'll defend what a patient, growing, mature, wonderful man you are! My armor is strapped on; my shield is ready; my sword is at my side--BRING IT ON!!

Yeah--I'm sending out invitations to the Pity Party, and I'm starting the "Defend Graycloud" thread!


CJ

Spinning, every moment is an opportunity to have a good feeling.

I feel lonely and sh*tty. Okay, fine. I refuse, however, to concede that I'm going to be miserable until such time as I'm finished grieving the loss of my M.

Last night I wanted to write a book about how crappy and unfair everything is. My mind was swarmed with ideas.

Today I'll go for a swim, work on my house a little, and write some music, and I think my chin will lift again.

GC

As soon as I get over a bout of self pity, something smacks me up side my head. A line in another post, about how the WS has "replaced the BS in both mind and flesh" cut to the quick.

Blech.

Wow, GC. We must be related somewhere. I've been having alot of bad feelings myself. I have heard much of the same... I'm too smart. Goodness I've been accused of a lot of things but being too smart was never one of them. I do tend to approach most things in a logical/rational way. I'm a planner. OK I do over plan everything. lol.

I have a core set of beliefs, principals, and values that I lead my life by, sometimes that means doing things the hard way. .... WW was more prone to "just wanting things" Didn't ever make a "plan" on how to pay for it, or how or when to do it ... she just wanted it. Recently, she again barked at me on how she had to work around my schedule "as usual." I guess that is because I'm the only one who has a schedule, I work and work. She is SAHM.

I don't like to think about it. I had aplan, worked my plan, and they were all about to come to fruition. Early retirement, kids college paid, life of comfort with the love of my life. Now its pretty much all gone. I have to make a new plan.

STBX is infatuated with Internet lover. She even cut her hair because he wanted a short and sassy look. I can see this guy just bragging to his buddies at the bar, telling him what a tramp my STBX is. She is getting a divorce, cuts her hair for him, puts her children second, does "web cam" shows for him and meets him when he flys to town. He, according to STBX, is such a sweet talking man. <GAG>

So yes, I'm a little dissappointed. As I look back, all I did was work and sacrifice. And yes, I did my share of love busting too, but alot of it was bad habits, nothing I couldn't change. My STBX never, I mean never, said anything about them until she talked DV.

I look at some of the MB postings and see alot of sad feelings. Guess it is the Holiday Season.

Gray,

You do know that this is not about you...right?

I think from what we know of you here, we all agree that you are basically a decent, caring, considerate, responsible man.

Fine husband material.

This is not about you.

This is about Sparrow having unmet meeds and trying to find them met in another person, which is not going to happen. She can complain 'til the cows come home, but she is not going to be any happier with OM or any number of OM.

This is about her search for fulfillment and security and self worth and purpose, unconditional love etc., and just like we won't find those things in money or looks or at the bottom of a bottle, we won't find them by trading in our partners either.

As she will find out eventually.

Maybe that is what this is all about for all of us: finding out that we are only whole when we are in right relationship with God. When our needs are met by him, we can build each other up, we can plan A forever and never run out of love. And in time they will be drawn to the Source, themselves.


But it is "not good for man to be alone"...

We are designed to be in relationship with God and with each other.

Whatever she might say, she is not really happy. She is to be pitied. I dare one WS to tell me that they were really any happier with OP.

The point is that her way is not working .

She just hasn't realised it yet. Pray that she will. Soon.

{{{Gray}}}


Shul

ps: sorry for getting so preachy.

Thanks, Shul.

I know this is not about me.

I feel this is all about me.

The feel part is in charge for now.

Shul, is that your old positive attitude I'm catching a whiff of?

GC

Gray,

I also want to jump on the pity train. I truly think it is a combo of our situations combined with the upcoming holidays dangling like the proverbial sword of Damocles.


I really can identify with

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes me feel like I'm getting dragged through the mud and my friends aren't defending me. And that adds to the feeling of rejection I guess </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just heard close friends ( a husband and wife) respond to my WW in a very "you shouldn't feel ashamed of what happened. It happens all the time" manner. That really fried my butt! My WW needs and deserves help and support but to dismiss the A in such a prefunctory manner , I see that as a personal affront. I will see these friends in the next couple of days and I am torn as to how I should respond ,if at all, to what I heard.

I do NOT want it to be a me or her scenario, but someone that does not show respect for my M( whatever state it is in),puts a tremendous strain on my friendship.

I think speaking negativity can be a self fullfilling prophesy.

But really I am just saying what I believe to be true...that this is a journey, a cosmic lesson in maturing in love; in being drawn to our natural state which is union with the creator.

Having said that, I have to admit that I struggle with defeat and discouragement. I am believing that God will work this all out in spite of evidence to the contrary.

It is faith versus fear.

Love will win in the end. That is a given. To believe otherwise is unthinkable. All that remains is a matter of our cooperation. He is the choreographer, I am the dancer.

Or heres one for you: He writes the music; we are the instruments that play it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />