Just wanted to second MichaelinDallas & CWMAC's comments about the difference between a BH and a BW...

FWW's, I'm not bashing you guys at all, I just want to highlight some of the dynamics that your BH's are going through...

... so when your H is grouchy or angry over something related to the A... stop and think what alot of people in our society think about your H for staying with you and rebuilding the M...

Your H's CAN work through this issue until it becomes a 'non-issue'... it will take a strong commitment from both of you, and lots of hard work, but you can rebuild your M...

Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stanley568:
<strong> Uphill:

Hit it on the money!

FWW needs to understand that the strong confident proud BH has been replaced by an insecure man who is undertaking the formidable task of rebuilding the marriage. Not only must the BH forgive the greatest betrayal of a lifetime, but he must also nurture an unstable WW with all the irrational behavior of the fog.

Then BH has to wait out the withdrawal and hope that WW recovers the love she had before the affair. IN the mean time, the FWW may still be in contact with OM making the withdrawal last forever.

The FWW has no clue about how to make married life a pleasant experience for the BH. The BH is puzzled because the WW had lots of ideas on how to please the OM.

If the marriage fails it is not the affair that destroys the marriage, but the inability of the FWW to get out of her own way. The fog is so bad that they don’t see the obvious and allow the BH to drift into resentment and then------------------------ the END comes unexpectedly as the BH’s love banks finally becomes empty. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bump just becuase this pretty much explains where I am at. This is important information to explain why your man might seem upset/depressed/whatever.

<strong>
IN the mean time, the FWW may still be in contact with OM making the withdrawal last forever.
</strong>

Try telling your man you love him just after you have run to check that secret email account or the cell phone. Then stop and think about how that must make your life partner feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurting Hoosier:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Stanley568:
<strong>
The thing to do for the FWW is to show lots of affection for the BH------------- and I really mean a lot of affection including SF, conversation, and emotional intimacy. In short---- all the things that were provided to the OM should now be provided to the BH in greater quantities. Otherwise resentment will come in and could end the marriage. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN

This would make my life six hundred times better right now! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">double bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Uphill:
<strong> G'Day! I've got some fair dinkum advice.

First of all, I speak as a BH who's R failed, and who is now divorcing my WW. So, I am a harbinger of what can go wrong. Sometimes, you learn more from failures than from successes.

1. Validate. My WW was constantly invalidating me. It didn't matter how I felt or what I thought, rather it was why I wasn't feeling or thinking how she saw I "OUGHT" to. Even after D-day. I was already so unsure of myself in every aspect - my judgement, my powers of observation, my manhood and sexuality - that I was particularly vulnerable to this sort of manipulation. For example, I actually believed that I was responsible for my wife's A. In fact, I deserved it because I was so unable to be what she needed.

The fact is, we have to be honest as to who we are. My WW gave me the distinct impression that she did not love me, but loved what I should be.

2. Forgiveness. I see a lot of FWS who can bleat on the one hand "I've made a mistake, I'm only human. Forgive me!", yet on the other hand they are so unforgiving of their BS's actions which may have caused or contributed to the marital chasm. The fact is, if you want your spouse to forgive you, you must forgive them for the pre-A factors.

Recognize your spouse is human. Sure, you've made a mistake - you don't want to be crucified for it. Well, don't expect your cuckolded H to be perfect. Allow him the same latitude for mistakes - and learning from them - that you want for yourself.

3. Amends. You have committed a grievous injury to your family, but especially to your spouse. You have robbed them of their world, treated them like an inferior, and trampled over their esteem, emotions and self-worth. Sorry isn't enough. "Let's just get on with our lives" isn't, either.

Your spouse has lost that time you were in the A forever. There is no "do over". You owe them for that loss.

That's not to to say "sorry", or to want to build a better future. The key is to recognize that you must make up for this injury you've caused. You have to "make right" the wrong you've committed.

4. Emotional Needs. Chances are, if you were unhappy in your M, your spouse was, too, only they didn't have an A to meet those unfulfilled needs. They were waiting, hoping, praying that you'd do it. They probably would've died for the chance to fill your needs, too - if only they knew what they were.

My WW expected me to intuitively know her needs had changed after childbirth, and to know what they were and how to fill them. When I didn't, she'd nag, cajole, and hector me. When I tried to talk about my needs, they were dismissed (invalidation again).

The trick is to recognize that we do change over our lives, and that we can't expect our spouses to have psychic foreknowledge.

But, what about your H's needs? Do you honestly think you were meeting his? Or, was it his job to meet yours first? In other words, are you the primary taker and expect him to be the primary giver?

As your spouse has an obligation to meet your needs, you have to meet theirs, too.

5. Sex. Your spouse is very likely feeling like the inferior in this department. After all, you chose OP over them, so they must be, right? If not, reassure them. Rebuild their self esteem. Show them that they are more desirable than OP, better, and more rewarding. And, take more interest in your spouse's sexual fulfillment.

However, perhaps it was something that can't be recreated or bettered with the spouse. What then? My WW confessed how much better the sex was with OM (amazing!), how he was bigger and more talented, and how she'd never had anything like it before. Great - how do I compete with that?

6. "Winning" vs "Settling". Don't for a minute let your betrayed think that you are settling for them over OP. If you're making the "big sacrifice" of your soulmate for the sake of your kids, or your spouse, parents, or even the community at large - don't. As betrayed, we only get one life to live, too, and we don't want to waste it with someone who'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else.

Those are my thoughts, shiela. No worries if you don't take 'em. Just have a Swan's for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, done bumping with this one.

I just wanted to express how import these 3 posts are in the reality of the aftermath of the affair.

Smur,

Question. How did your H find out about the affair? Did he discover it or was he told "out of the blue?"

It seems from anecdotal evidence here at MB that the Hs that are told out of the blue tend to respond as yours has.

The ones who suspect or discover tend to look for answers. Well of course at least the ones here at MB do. The others may in fact head to divorce court immediately.

You said... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks for your comments. I suppose I sort of knew the reason for H's avoiding anyone who knows.
I just want so much for him to get better. I hate the fact that I have caused him this. In his position, I would talk about it with sympathetic friends and read everything about it and go to IC and ask for my S to meet my needs and just keep at it until the pain receded.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men and women deal with problems differently. Women tend to discuss them with close friends going repeatedly over the issues at hand while not necessarily looking for a solution. Talking about it makes you/them feel better about it.

Men on the other hand turn internally to solve the problem. The think about the problem at hand over and over in their mind until they come up with a solution.

Even if a man had a close friend or relative with which to discuss important issues, there is absolutely no way that they would think about discusssing the wife's infidelity.

For one thing it's too embarrassing and humiliating.

Secondly most men who've never experienced a wife's infidelity can not relate to the situation at all. They'd more than likely give the stereotypical response of "dump the B'tch."

That's the beauty of MB for the BHs who have discovered it. We can actually talk/write about our feelings in a completely anonymous way.

Even if their was a completely anonymous support group in the real world similar to AA, I wouldn't attend it. Just too embarrassing. It would just add to the overall feelings of humiliation.

Another side effect of the way men deal with problems that affects the infidelity issue is that fact that we need to solve the problem. Again women just need to discuss the issue in order to feel better. If we don't solve the problem it makes us feel worse.

How do you really solve the problem of infidelity? You don't. Sure you can decide to make the marriage better or you can decide to end it, but just like a death you can't go back and fix it in hindsight. So for some men they fix it by making a decision whether to stay in the marriage and then burying it. Case closed. Problem solved (well not really but as solved as we can get it).

How does this help you? Your H has more than likely solved the problem to the best of his ability. He has decided to stay and the case is closed. He doesn't want or need to talk about it.

There are a number of BHs of FWWs on this site that are in this boat. One that comes to mind is KiwiJ's H, Rob. He was told of the affair. He reacted. He processed. He solved for his answer which was to stay and now case closed.

I wouldn't push your H to come here and talk about his feelings. It may just make him rethink his answer.

As men like to do, I'll "bottom line it". I if your H doesn't feel the need to talk about it then accept it. If he needs to talk about it, then MB is the place.

Mac

cwmac,

Yes, I told my H pretty much out of the blue. I hadn't really thought about that as influencing his response, but it might be a factor.
I would never push him to read here. I just suggested it, because, as you said, its a good forum if someone wants to talk but doesn't want to talk to friends/relatives etc. I understand about the men/women difference in dealing with painful events.
I don't know if he has completely made up his mind about whether he wants to continue our R or not.
I guess I think that MC would really help us, no matter what. Without it, I sort of feel in the position of a substitute (and not very good) MC as well as the FWW.

AW,
Hope you're ok! Yes I'm fine, thanks for asking. Just a few more weeks to go here then home again.... Hope you're not too sick and I can imagine it must be a stressful time for you.