* I am a 40 year old professional with a broken heart.
* I have never loved any woman other than my FWW, nor had sex with any
* I am English therefore not emotionally literate
* I was thrust into devsastion by my FWW having an affair from a slightly boring but not abusive or terrible marriage
* I had and have no coping mechanism but the mercy of God to deal with this.
* By a miracle and the enormous support of BS & FWS on here I plan a'ed and exposed in a way that helped accelerate the end my wifes affair with the head referee of her sport - an much older ex-jock with a long history of infidlity and broken relationships, plus other nefarious deeds.
* Unusually it ended (hopefully for ever) , when OM tragically lost his estranged son to a car accident aged 21. He felt so guilty at knowing NOTHING about this boy he sired then all but abandoned, that he went into therapy for his relationship failings and berevament management.
* My FWW was devastated - she was deeply in love with this man.
* Again with the stuff I learned from the books I read ( recommended by folk here) and by deliberate study of the tests cases on this forum I rebuilt myself and our LIVES to a place where my FWW feels confident to live, and recover from her affair. Our everyday is not unpleasant right now.
* She states she wants to rebuild our M but is not yet able m it seems, to take any uncomfortable actions to contribute to this end.
* I am in a place now that I never dreamed I could be in three months ago when I attempted suicide. I am calm, self assured and pretty hopeful.
* I am also an unreconstructed provincial council house boy, who grew up with a set of 'decency' rules that was more secular than scripturally supported. People who stole other peoples girls were VERY bad people and if hey got a kicking for their trouble, no-one would do anything but nod sagely because they deserved it. No-one was ever killed to my knowledge.
* This forum has been a literal godsend to me, but the spiritual and behavioural standard demanded by many of the folks here is beyond my capability at this time, maybe ever. I think HONESTLY I'm doing really good to have not beaten the crap out of OM so far. Each week of NC dilutes my need to do that more. Most on here would applaud my efforts there I guess if they knew me personally and how eager I was to feel his flesh yield to me.Now I dont care that much what happen to him as long as he doesn't prosper from the A. That snot enough progress formany on here, but belive me - it IS progress.
* Now it seems I am also to speak in respectful terms about OM, the infidel sex they indulged in at my expense.

I'm really sorry, everyone, but I can't do that.I am already amazed at my progress after this mess of the affair(progress largely catalysed by YOU!) but I am still ME : a product of my upbringing , culture and mores. While most of me is a lighthearted professional businessman, who loves his W, kids and life, a core part of me is the punk streetfighter who watched Handsworth burn in the dark days on Thatcher's reign back in the early eighties.

And you know what ? I am not ashamed of that.

I LOVE my friends on here - I have never made such connection swith cyber folks as on here and I really care what happens to them and want to keep in touch, but I cannot change who I am to meet their approval. I recovered THIS far by being brutally honest with myself and on this board.

If I offend seemingly everyone by referring to my FWWs sex with OM in less than glowing terms, that is very sad but I cannot change that - not yet at least.

I love you all, but this is me. Please accept my earnest regret at any offence I caused.

I am very hurt and not ready yet to filter my every comment on the board. I do not filter my loving comments nor my angry ones.

I love my wife and I pray we will be happy together for the rest of our lives.

Thanks for reading.

{{{mb}}}

Hi Bob,

Haven't chatted you up in a while. You're too quick for me!

GC

hi bob, i read this and i think you are fine just the way you are.

i actually printed your topic from yesterday, although i think it was before it turned ugly. i'm not sure, i didn't go back and read more, nor do i want to. but i did want to thank you for what you wrote. i printed it and gave it to my H asked him if this is how he felt. then told him, this is why i want to stay with MB, it will help me stay focused on and understanding of your pain, something i really want to do so i can help you heal. by being at MB, I am surrounding myself with people who care about marriages.

i'm not sure if he read it, nor do i know if he will end up asking me to stop posting here or not, he has not yet decided. either way i will respect his desire.

i'm hoping your post helps my H see the benefit of MB.

Bob, your comments did not hurt, harm, or offend me at all. Coming from the perspective I have, being distanced from the pain that you still live very close to, I thought I was just asking questions. Challenging you. If you felt targeted by me, please accept my apology.

I have realized that for myself, by remembering and phrasing past events as if they were done specifically to hurt or harm me, I feel pain and like a victim of said events.

If I look at those same events as an addict in the throes of addiction, and have mercy and compassion, I feel powerful over my own feelings.

We are all where we are. I love your humor, your honesty . . . heck, I think we all love BOB!

I understand your pain. I lived it myself. My intention was to challenge you. If star*fish, ark, pepperband, confused&scared, too many to remember - hadn't challenged me to move forward, I don't know where I would be right now.

I know moving forward is hard, too. Letting go of the pain and anger somehow feels like letting them "get away with something," IMO. That is how I felt. I think you are doing just great.

Spidey

Hi BP,

As another sage Brit once said..."To thine own self be true".

Don't change a thing!

Bob Pure offend?

As Popeye always said "I Yam what I Yam, and that's all that I Yam!"

You 2! (me 2!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">* This forum has been a literal godsend to me, but the spiritual and behavioural standard demanded by many of the folks here is beyond my capability at this time, maybe ever. I think HONESTLY I'm doing really good to have not beaten the crap out of OM so far. Each week of NC dilutes my need to do that more. Most on here would applaud my efforts there I guess if they knew me personally and how eager I was to feel his flesh yield to me.Now I dont care that much what happen to him as long as he doesn't prosper from the A. That snot enough progress formany on here, but belive me - it IS progress.

* Now it seems I am also to speak in respectful terms about OM, the infidel sex they indulged in at my expense.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, I'm not sure where you got all this, but let me give you my personal opinion. Hold onto your knickers because it might not be the "holy" thing you are referring to.

You WON'T catch me speaking in respectful terms about my wife's OM. I consider him to be vermin, a boil on the rump of a festering leper. Most of my other "terms" for him are not suitable for posting in mixed company.

There was a time when revenge was all I thought about concerning him. I don't know if you ever heard of Elena Bobbitt, but I was looking for a really sharp knife. I also researched handguns and different loads to maim, rather than kill. I was NOT a sane person at the time.

I have stated to my wife that if he came down with some lovely disease like Ebola and the flesh slowly started to fall off his body until he died, I wouldn't shed a tear. I might even dance a jig on his grave when he finally sloughed off enough parts to die.

But, there is worse. "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. I shall repay. It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. It would be better for one such as this to have a millstone tied around his neck and then be tossed into the sea."

I turned his "punishment" over to God and rest in the sure knowledge that nothing I could dream up could ever measure up to what is waiting for him if he never repents.

So, with respect to "speaking respectfully" about the OM, let me simply say that like many things, it's okay to think those thoughts, but be circumspect in what you say in the company of others. They, too, may be hurting. Often even the most "harmless" seeming things to us hurts someone else. If a Standard that one embraces is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and "do no harm," then sometimes silence IS the best medicine.

Yep, I know how it seems like the BS gets to "endure" so much, all the while feeling the "unfairness of it all." I can only offer the comfort that I go to in times like that, remembering what Christ endured for us because he loved us when we were "unloveable."

God bless.

Bob, our mate from across the puddle.

It quacked like a duck, looked like a duck, walked like a duck, and humped like a duck...so you called it a duck.

ITS A DUCK!!
k

Bob,

I think that the pure nature of this board is to be able to share your feelings, both good and bad. Everyone here is different, the only real common denominator is that everyone here has been devestated by an affair (both WS and BS). Part of makes this board work is the different views that people offer.

Not everyone is going to like everything that everyone says. Sometimes people are feeling up and can offer positive views and sometimes people are down and the pain pours out. That pain is something everyone can understand. If you can vent here and it helps then do so. If someone doesn't like what you are posting then they can choose to stop reading it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> * I am English therefore not emotionally literate
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have news for you, some Yanks are not emotionally literate either! Although I think it is something that can be learned. My husband is making baby steps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My advice to you is be yourself, say what you want to say. I am willing to bet that you have helped a lot of people here and will continue to do so.

Cathy

Bob,

Please stop apologizing for your feelings ok? I understand that some rough patches have been hit with some FWW's here and other's recently but I can sympathize greatly with what you are feeling.

Some here that know me have helped me to regroup after severe revenge thoughts toward the homewrecker(aka:OW).It has taken me literally a year to have these thoughts NOT invade my mind each day.Not that I didn't want to put my WH in the ICU for a few days either initially but I love and loved him and therefore,it was a little harder for me to envision hurting him.

I still have a tough time wrapping my brain around the idea that there is some woman out there who,very willingly and intentionally,keeps being involved with my WH and encourages him to leave me,which by the way,he is doing.I will NEVER call the homewrecker by her name and her name is to NEVER be said in my home,ever and my children know this.As someone else said before,it gives too much credence to the "relationship" that my WH had with that person.She will always be a homewrecker to me and that's exactly what she set out to accomplish and has reached fruition.

It's a daily struggle to try and understand how someone can know that a person is married,with children, and get involved with them anyway( yes I know my WH is to blame as well).I loathe this woman and always will unless she were to stop seeing my WH and apologize and ask for forgiveness from each and every person she badly hurt in my family and my WH's family.I have a feeling that that will not happen though.No surprise.

There is absloutely no reason that you should feel the need to be anything that you are not and if that includes no acceptance of the OM that has been directly involved in the destruction of your marriage and family,then so be it.

And,lastly,I will give up ownership of my feelings about the homewrecker when I am good and ready.There seems to be a common thread here about letting go of all your negative feelings as rapidly as possible so you can move forward and be forgiven and forgive,etc and tippy toeing around other's.Just go at your own pace.There will be a time when the feelings aren't so intense.

O

I still enjoy some of the derogatory labels we all are known to give our former other people that our spouses cheated with. Somehow it can be therapeutic especially for newbies. We usually move beyond most of the more horrid name calling as time and healing takes place.

I have never been offended by anything you've said,Bob.

I prefer a less PC atmosphere and I don't really think that compromises my personal ethics. I know I am basically a very ethical person. I guess one person's definition may differ from another's.

When I was young I did alot of stuff I am not proud of and probably fit a number of nasty labels. (During the 'love the one your with' times) Fact is that was then. I matured, married and put the former life behind me.

I repented and had remorse for my sins. I no longer fit those old labels. I am not sure that is how it is for many of our unrepentant OM or OW. They sometimes get frozen in time for us, and we may never know if they repent and got a better moral compass.

You know, there are some people that will remain lost. I can feel sorry for them.

When WS come here we usually embrace them coming to this MB forum because we believe they want to end the A and fix their marriage. We don't resort to calling them names but they sometimes need a bit of a 2 x 4 to shake them out of the fog or when they are pining for their OP. Other, more experienced posters are better able to deal with those.

It is usually a bit more fun around here when people are allowed lighten up a bit and vent to their hearts content.

Is it near a full moon or something?

Bob,
As a new member of this board...I have already grown a respect for you. I find your posts very helpful and I see you as a respectful person. I don't feel any appology is necessary.
Danielle

Pssst****

Bob... can I have a minute of your time?

Pep

pepperband_mb@excite.com

Gee Bob, from your title I thought we would be getting a photo.

We help each other here because we are free to say those things that swirl in our minds but "might" be too sinister to actually verbalize. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Yes, you have said some nasty things about the OM and his actions with your W Go ahead and say them here, get them off your chest and then go back to doing the most amazing PlanA I have ever heard of!

You came here broken, filled with rage and sorrow and are now on the road to either recovering your marriage or at the least, your self esteem. I, for one am proud to know ya. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you are making progress in your personal life and not hurting anyone, you have nothing to apologize for. A big pat on the back coming from across the pond! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

P.S. Does my "almost" bashing in my H's red Porche with a hammer mean I should feel remorseful? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

****Disclaimer****

no offence is meant or intended to Bob...I really liked his idea, and wanted to add my 2 cents, and so decided to incorporate his format...


I am a 36 year old former bartender/SAHM (now unemployed) with a broken heart.

I have never loved anyone like I love my FWH/BH, he and I, however had sex with others.

I am Canadian therefore over-emotionally literate

I was thrust into devastation by my FWH having an affair and then, 5 years later, THRUST my FWH into devastation and into the DEVASTATING position of being a BH, From a never boring, not abusive but a terrible marriage.

I had and have no personal, internal coping mechanism but the mercy of God to deal with this.

By a miracle, I apparently learned nothing in 5 years of MB’ing and repeated FWH’s mistakes… left everyone around me in limbo, have devastated my family, ended my ‘affair’ and am still breathing and alive.

we were both devastated 5 years ago and this time was no different...my FWH/BH was devastated…OW was close personal and family friend and roomate. I was devastated…I loved this person..not ‘in love’, …but I did ‘love’ this person…

I have yet to rebuild myself…I envy you that, Bob...that seems impossible to me…I don’t know if I can recover….but our everyday is not unpleasant right now…in fact, it’s great at times…

I have no clue if I want to rebuild my M…I truthfully have no idea what I want……hence my decision to ‘return home’, help my son…breathe, co-parent, rebuild myself and see what comes…NOT to marriagebuild…..all horribly unfair and unreasonable for my BH….

I am in a place now that I never dreamed I could be in 5 years ago…the only other time I’ve ever fleetingly considered suicide….I am not calm, have no self-assurance of any kind and am pretty hopeful only that I might survive all this.

I also had a set of ‘decency rules’ that was more secular than scripturally supported…but a set of rules it was…even Dewt will admit that my moral/ethical lines were set in stone….VERY bad people indeed, that stole people away…

This forum had and has been a literal godsend to me as well… I like to believe that a HUMAN standard exists and is demanded….but having the bizarre place of both BS and WS, I know too the feeling of that being beyond my capabilities at various times as well…..I think we have all done well to not beat the crap out of any of our OP…I had hideous schemes and plans….and friends to help!…


I will strive to speak in respectful terms of everyone…my choice…because my affair demeaned me enough.I don’t want to do anything that I may perceive to be self-demeaning…think healthy thoughts…focus on the positive, and when the hate swells, taste it’s bitterness, let it and the hateful thought go down the back of my throat unfinished…..I wish to put out respect to the universe so that it may return to me….because 5 years on, I laugh and shake my head NOW at the emotions that put my thoughts there….those were fine, normal within the rage and anguish a BS feels……but the ones that KEPT those thoughts there… I needed to do something with….

And Bob…..you said:
“I am also to speak in respectful terms about OM, the infidel sex they indulged in at my expense.

I'm really sorry, everyone, but I can't do that”


Bob, you just can’t do that YET…that’s all……it comes with time, when you realize that they don’t deserve even the small amount of energy that is required to give them a thought….self-protection….you just won’t need to do it anymore…it’s just not worth it….again, I believe it comes with time…

You apologize far too often…..others, who post to you regularly have already poh-pooh’ed you on the whole “you’ve offended everyone” aspect…..any personal changes you need to make are that…personal changes…I don’t think you need to change who you are to post here…I don’t think anyone wants you to…

Bob,

I have composed several posts today for different threads and not posted them, because I am a mild mannered person who really doesn’t want to get in on the fray. However, I also REALLY want to respond to your post to tell you this:

I believe you are a kind person who is doing your best. God bless you.

Rose.

On your lips
Little Girl
My name
Is Death

You drank from my pond
Not realizing
That I
Am a crocodile
Mythical
Fierce
Motherhood

Stretch your Limbs
So fetching
Alive
Threatening my
Sanctuary

You do not See
Me
Under the Tide
Alert and
Cold

I invite you
Come and warm me
Closer
I say and smile
I can be available too.

Beyond morality
and rationality
Is the Killing Dance

[posted by evil-alter ego-Noodle]

However, I can say her name without swearing..and I don't use any nicknames.

In fact..I make a point of using her name..letting the letter sounds roll over my tongue every time.

Because I really am that much of a B*tch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

* pep you have mail. I expect a 2x4 now !
* All thanks, but my post was to state why I am so un-PC and to apologise for any upset NOT to solicit back pats.

I seem to attract 2x4s and back pats in equal numbers ! Thats good yin/yang at least ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We doing 'OK' I just can't speak nice about somethingthat nearly killed me a ruined my childrens lives.

Spiek Milligan ( famous UK comic genius and manic depressive) wrote a series of irreverent histories of his time as a soldier in WW2. He was once put on a charge for verbally abusing a German POW in Africa. His COO said " I will put you on a charge for swearing at a POW !!! watch your mouth!"

He repied "Swearing at him ? SWEARING AT HIM ???!!! HE's LUCKY I didn't FVCK HIM !!!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope that translates from the British humour !

Its pretty much my situation.

Thanks again.

Bob....Now, I'm just reading this thread ONLY (well, besides I-ville <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) after my night at work and wondering, "Why is he defending himself?" Was it over the word/expression/nicely-put-form-of-describing-the-act-of-sex-in-an-affair-similar-to-what-dogs-do-rather-than-saying-fvcking word? "Humping?" Is this what this is about?

Wow...I am truly mystified!

Bob...IMHO, (have to add that disclaimer these days on every post,) you have nothing to defend yourself over. IMHO, "humping" is the nicest way of describing this act. IMHO, you were not out of line, it did not SEEM like it SHOULD be insulting to anyone, and it wasn't (IMHO) that you just harped on that word. IMHO, Bob, you are a great guy who has been through a lot of sh1t over these past four+ months and is on the road to recovery. IMHO, you don't need to explain yourself--your explanations are in your sit; how you've handled yourself; the love for your W; the love in your children; your faith in God; your compassion; your understanding, etc. IMHO, I could continue with all of the good qualities I have seen (fact) through your posts. IMHO, it doesn't matter what I think. Or anybody else on this board. You know who you are; you know where you are; and you know where you'd like to be. And, you know how you got there.

No, Bob, don't change you values because it doesn't fit a strangers's vocubulary or PC or whatever. Change for you and your family. That's all that matters. If you do....well...

*sigh*

Hi Bob, I'm also a council house girl with those same set of values you talked about. But, the interesting thing is, so is my WH. So what happened to his values?

I've said this before. At this stage, all my venom is directed at my WH not the OW. Yes, she is scum but she is not the one who wronged me because to me she is nothing. He was supposed to be my everything.

I met Anyname today. We talked for 4 hours. Imagine that. 2 strangers. Never met before but I actually think we could have talked for a week and still not finished. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob, is your real surname Pure or did you invent it. I think it befits you well. TT