First off I want tell Bob Pure:
I'm sorry for saying it was
derogatory and disprespectful
to say your wife 'humped' with the OM.

You are trying so hard and doing so GREAT,
that whatever wording you choose to use,
is your choice not mine!

My problem is,
I will admit to all of you,
is that I romanticize the affair
FAR TOO MUCH.

Those who posted to me
yesterday about this
sickening them;
WERE RIGHT!

I am like Francisca in
'Bridges of Madison County'
and keep going back there
in my mind.

I escape to a make believe world.

It is WRONG.

I need to stop this thinking.
I need to transpose these thoughts
to pleasant memories of time
spent with H and grandkids.

But how to stop this 'thought' addiction?
I know it can be done, but how?
Rachel

Ahhh...you've made an enormous realization...

The thoughts are ESCAPE behavior. Just like drinking, drugs, or any other common escape behavior.

I'd offer a couple of things...

1) I wore a rubber band on my wrist for while. When I found myself slipping inot escape mode, I'd snap it.

2) I stopped feeling guilty about how good some of those memories made me feel. They were now a part of me forever. There's no sense in continuing to hate myself. Yes, there are things about the affair that felt really good...ADMIT IT. So when I find myself with the occasional thought, I might even smile about it inside...but I know full well I'm never going back there.

Low

TIME

Thanks guys.
I actually thought I would only
hear from BS that said
what a bad person I was
for having an affair.

I was. WAS

And how BAD it is of me
NOW, for remembering the
friendship & affection
from the OM.

I have a rubber band on
each wrist, LowOrbit.
Thanks

And 'Time' I know will help
Thanks 2long

I love the idea of rubber bands- that can help any type of obsessive behavior. Along the same lines, any sort of distraction helps- as of course, does time. Take it day by day, snap those bands and you will get through it.

Hey there MYOS,
I'm not a slinger...but I tell you what I saw on Dr. Phil last night that made sense...and it will probably help.

He said addictions...of any kind... aren't as much addictions as much as they are repeated habits.

He pointed out that the repeated habit/addiction...can not and will not be overcome unless it's replaced with another.

He suggests cognitive therapy. He also suggests replacing the habit with one that can NOT be done at the same time.

For example...EXAMPLE ONLY...if every time you start to feel your mind wondering...pick something that will occupy your mind completely. And STICK to it. He says you have to be consistent...and give it the amount of time it TAKES...not the amount of time you think you should give it.

This pretty much agrees with Low and 2long...but just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Good luck !

Hi MakeYourOwnSunshine,

I have a tendency to be obsessive-compulsive also, so I believe suggestions that you've already been given on this thread can be helpful. I also wanted to write you what helped me.

Early on when I was having trouble staying in NC with FOM, I would ask myself, “Do you control your thoughts, or do your thoughts control you?”
I realized I was the only one who could stop myself from letting my thoughts “go there,” and I really wanted to be free (and healthy).

You might find a different system that works for you (I don't like the rubber band idea for myself), but when I would find my mind wandering, I would say, “STOP. Don’t go there.” Sometimes you might have triggers that aren’t your fault (seeing a car like his, for example), but you do have control over whether you dwell on those thoughts or not.

The year after d-day, I spent a lot of time begging God to take the fog (and all that goes with it) away from me. I can’t remember if you’re a Christian or not, but during that first year, I read a book by an evangelist named Joyce Meyer. The book was called _The Battle Belongs to the Lord_, and in it she wrote that God can’t take something away from us that we won’t let go of. We have to make a conscious choice to let it go.

As the fog lifted, I also realized that everything about the A and continued contact were wrong, and that they would still be wrong, no matter how my H acted, or how awful my life was, or how bad I felt, or how badly I needed a “fix,” or even if I stayed M or not. Find something else to soothe yourself with. Concentrate on the NOW. Live in the NOW.

Something my pastor said to me two days after d-day was that if I would change my thoughts, my feelings would follow. I was skeptical at first, but I agree with him now.

It takes determination, strength, and changing our ways of thinking. You can do it.

God bless,

Rose

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

Thanks Sad and Betrayed.
Both were good, logical replies.

I am also realizing from being
here at MB that the BS ALSO have
a problem with this 'mental obsessing'.

They too, have a struggle to NOT
keep going to that place of the
thoughts of betrayal by their
spouses.

The place they go to in their minds
is NOT these pleasant memories of
phone conversations and secret picnics
by a private pond.

Their thoughts are this terrible
dastardly deed we did to them.

I just hate it; this inner stuggle
of thoughts between good and evil.
So hard to suppress thoughts!
I want 'Good' to win!
I WANT to stop this addiction.

It has been 1 1/2 years since D day.
Too long to keep these memories
in the forefront.

I still run into him (OM) and his girlfriend
pretty often, as we live in a small town.

We exchange hellos and knowing glances
and that's it. And my silly stupid heart remembers.

Rachel

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: MakeYourOwnSunshine ]</small>

I was posting when you were Rose.

What a nice and worthwhile message; so much I can learn from it.

“STOP. Don’t go there.”

I will try that and the letting go.

I think I don't WANT to let go of the memories.

That is probably the honest truth.

Yes I am a Christian and yes I took a detour off the right road.

I am back on the RIGHT road.

This summer, I almost got too involved emailing with an older classmate that had lost his wife.

But I did something NOBEL, I gave him to my widowed 53 yr. old sister!!!They have been emailing and building a friendship.

He DID help fill that void yet I just was feeling too guilty and wrong about it.

So now, it seems I am back to obsessing about
the memories of the OM.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ANYWAY?

I have a good faithul husband that loves me, wonderful daughters and grandchildren.
I am a busy well-respected lady yet I have this inner darkness!

MYOS,

I have read that a full confession to BS with all the lurid details changes the "romantic" aspect of the A into the cheap, taudry event that it is.

Or maybe just writing out the whole thing, not dwelling on the warm and fuzzy feelings, but on the lying, sneaking, and deceitful double dealings you had to do to carry on the A. Then reading it back would show the romantic aspect into what it really is/was.

This is not meant to bash or be a 2X4 to any WS. We all agree an A is a bad thing, correct? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

And thanks again for the smileys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

k

MYOS ) tried a hard drug once. A bad one.

At the time I saw only the pleasure it bought which blinded me to the consequences, which after one hit were minimal.

Over time while the SENSATIONS must still be as pleasurable as they ever were, intelligence and hindsight make the whole event disgusting to me. The fact that a tiny part of me MUST still recognise that the sensations , though horribly sinful, were pleasurable just makes me feel worse and dirtier about it.

I use this experince to allow me some empathy with FWS who are thinking as you are.

The feelings of sex and warm love WERE certainly pleasurable within the horrifc context of the affair but hindsight brings intelligence to bear over animal instinct and it may disgust you as my drug experience does me.

Now I would not go on a board for the families of addicts and tell them how the drugs made me feel like orgasms were bubbling in a thick liquid all through my body and brain and it was lovely. I would concentrate instead on telling them the CONTEXT : that it was a sickeningly sinful, selfish and disgusting way to take pleasure and that completely offset the pleasure.

I hope that makes sense to somebody.

MYOS,

Seeing OM often is hurting your recovery. The Harleys have encouraged people to change jobs, or even move to another state, in order to maintain NC.

Their reasoning is that every time you see OM, you set yourself back to day one of withdrawal. I know that those extreme measures aren't always possible, but it would help if you could avoid OM altogether.

Edited to add: As a Christian, you have probably read or heard the verse, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." Ask God to fill that void and surrender to Him. Not to sound churchy or anything, just speaking from experience.

Surrendering is the hardest thing to do, but after doing it, I think you will find it also is the easiest thing to do! We sometimes have to do it DAILY, but He really has our best interest at heart, and in His will is the safest place to be.

Rose

<small>[ November 04, 2004, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am also realizing from being
here at MB that the BS ALSO have
a problem with this 'mental obsessing'.

They too, have a struggle to NOT
keep going to that place of the
thoughts of betrayal by their
spouses </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG !!! You are SO right.... see..that's why we bounce stuff off each other. Okay... I DID have this problem... to the point it nearly debilitated (sp?) me.

This was my OWN little Mantra...and it worked WONDERS... !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TODAY IS MY DAY
  TODAY IS A NEW DAY
  THE PAST IS THE PAST
  I WON'T LET IT POISON MY TODAY</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
It worked. I realized the damage I was doing to myself, my marriage and my H...but obsessing. I was robbing us of what we could have today ! After all... how much love was I wanting to have with my H...if I was thinking about the A? I have to participate in recovery as well...so I had to work on that.

Thanks for bringing us more on the same platform <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks Krusht, good points, and you are welcome for the smilie's lesson last night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob Pure, yes, it would be best if I were not romantizing the affair and posting a thread about it.

Your analogy about drugs, I am sure some people do stand up and say how great the drugs or alcohol made them feel; then they most go on and tell about the destruction it caused in their lives and others.

You are one that encourages expressing 'feelings'.
Even those different than yours?

I sincerely hope I will soon see my affair as the discusting (sp), destructive, ugly, taundry thing you pointed out.
I really hope to someday be there in my thinking.
Thanks

MYOS,
""The place they go to in their minds
is NOT these pleasant memories of
phone conversations and secret picnics
by a private pond.""

Oh, but it is, dear girl!!!

We hear the wicked phone conversations, and see the secret picnics by that private pond, with our WS and OP doing what ever deeds and acts we can imagine!!

These are the movies in our heads. And you can be sure they are the most disturbing horror movies we must endure.

k

Betrayed.
You are SO RIGHT
We CAN learn from one another.

"TODAY IS MY DAY
TODAY IS A NEW DAY
THE PAST IS THE PAST
I WON'T LET IT POISON MY TODAY"

THANKS FOR SHARING THAT!

Krusht, I know you are right
that our BS DO imagine all
kinds of 'pretend scenerios'
between WS and OP.

But 'they' don't get to be in
the movie!

DARN DARN DARN

Why didn't I just keep my marriage vows
and forsake all others?

Darn! I 'wish' I could go back.
But I can't, none of us can.
Only forward.

I am gonna cling to Betrayed's little poem.

I went back and checked posts.
Saw this one from you, Rose.

Impossible to move; I will not
and cannot run from him; I can handle occ contact
as it is inevitable. Just the way it has to be
in this small country hometown community.

Our daughters and grandchildren
live nearby, as well as my
husband's job is near this area.

Also I am responsible for looking
after my mom and his mom.

So NO move!

Yes Rose, daily, (below) and I need to start praying more! And quit being so SELFISH!

"Surrendering is the hardest thing to do, but after doing it, I think you will find it also is the easiest thing to do! We sometimes have to do it DAILY, but He really has our best interest at heart, and in His will is the safest place to be."

Rachel, you are alright! Thanks for this wonderful, heartfelt post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MYOS,

Does your H know of your A`s?

Thanks Mel, your post really means a lot to me.

I honestly thought I might be doing something wrong to start this thread.

Yes, Fraggles, he knows.

The first was affair was the summer of 1979; a long time ago. I was just so smitten with this guy; unbelievable how he made me feel!

The second affair I am ashamed to say,
lasted 3 years, with a single older
neighbor man. (Lives 6 miles away.)
It ended 1 1/2 years ago when he found someone else, a single person. (Harley says this is OFTEN why affairs end.)

When H found an email between us, he was in rage.
I told yesterday how he forced sex
on me, in my r*****.
It hurt TERRIBLY. I weigh 137, he weighs 240!
This was entirely out of context for my H. He has a temper but never towards me, til this!
Maybe like dreamcatchers H throwing the bottle at her and hitting her with it?

Yet, I think like people that cut themselves,
it almost took away my guilt.
Like I had received my punishment.
Strange thinking I know!

It was never discussed after that,
the 'rape' or the affair and life
went on and seems to be 'normal'

We are both kind to one another.
He of course does NOT KNOW
that my mind, more than it should,
thinks of pleasant memories with OM.

Just being truthful here friends.
It (my mind) shouldn't but it just does!