I think you "get it" just fine, LINY. All we can do is try to help sometimes. Lot's of things are (as Donald Rumsfeld would say) "above our pay grade." Love that statement.

See ya Liny. BTW, you DO get it. That, I think, is the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, I've just posted to him as well. The events of last weekend put a lot of things into perspective for me.

I sorta get a bit mad. My son is going to the funeral today. There will be 3 coffins and one of them will be a little white one.

I don't know how he's going to get through it but all his friends will be there and I know they'll all support each other.

Jen

BTW, I updated my thread on the IR board. I am taking a chance and getting my feet wet over there after getting burned before. I guess I will see if I am invisible or not. I changed it to "I feel loved"

Jen, thanks for responding to DD's thread.

Oh Jen, such a difficult time. Your S will never forget it and hopefully he will treasure life more because of it. My bf had her first S (one month older than my OS)die of poisoning. He was 22 months old and she recovered but it almost killed her to go through that much pain. Hugs to you and your DS.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

How very sad. i wish my faith would allow me to think of that young family together in paradise, but all I can think of is the tragedy right now.

Love to your son. He WILL mourn and grieve and move on. He must know is not disrespectful to avoid 'adopting' this tragedy as his own.

The best testament to their friendship is for him to embrace the rest of his life, not have their needless tragedy use 'happy' cycles of his future life forever.

I learned this when I lost a friend many years ago. All blessings.

On a completely different track, four japanese Elvises have just walked past me, one of them a woman.

Only in Vegas... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LOL, Bob that is funny. Female japanese Elvis! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FF, "uh-huh" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Bob,

Since you are the King of Plan A (at least in idiotville) I have some questions for you. I'm going to post these questions and then leave work. Will look for your responses in about an hour when I get home.

In Plan A, is it good enough to be pleasant and "be myself" or should I be trying harder to be bubbly and happy?

Should I be saying anything to him about the A? I/We do not talk about it at all. When we do, it is a very serious sit-down you know what. When I don't say anything, I think he thinks "she's okay with it - I'm fooling her big time."

I know I should be using When statements like "When you talk to me in that tone of voice it makes me feel like I am stupid." Did you use these statements? Did they do any good?

Is it ok for me to ask him if he has broken contact with her? I am pretty sure he has not. Should I ask, or just leave it be?

Should I be letting him see how hurt and unhappy I am? The ADs kind of block most of my feelings and I tend not to react as happy or sad. Just kind of blah.Could your W tell you were unhappy?

Do I let him know when he is lying? I tend to not say anything.

Is it a bad thing for me to let him know I don't trust him? I simply try not to talk about it. (Avoidance)

If you would rather not post it here, I can send you my e mail address, but I am so afraid I am not doing a good enough Plan A. Should I be bringing him little goodies and gifts? I have always kind of done this. What about touching? He never touches me and I would love to touch him. Is that a good thing or would it just drive him farther away?

Sorry to introduce such a serious topic here in Idiotville, but while we are all waiting for Robby's report, I may as well ask now. Maybe I need to read SAA again. I may be missing something. Thanks, Bob.

Sorry to introduce such a serious topic here in Idiotville, but while we are all waiting for Robby's report, I may as well ask now. Don't be sorry, we support each other here.

Dunno if I am king of anything Starz, but I can offer an opinion till Ark^^ ( expert!!) reads this !:

In Plan A, is it good enough to be pleasant and "be myself" or should I be trying harder to be bubbly and happy?

An interesting question. Plan A is not an 'act' so you should not 'pretend' to be something you are not. When I was sad I said I was sad but I did not hang around Squid to cry or sulk. I went to the gym insted ususally, or into my ofice to post here an get strength. No emotional outburts in plan A remember.

Any changes you make to your behaviour to meet his ENs should be sustaianable. I haven't dropped any of the changes I made during plan A. They're just 'me' now. Any unnatural changes would have been left by the wayside by now.

Should I be saying anything to him about the A? I/We do not talk about it at all. When we do, it is a very serious sit-down you know what. When I don't say anything, I think he thinks "she's okay with it - I'm fooling her big time."

Another biggie. I wanted to talk about the A all the time but Squid wanted to deny/forget. I did say to Squid 'sometime we will need to discuss these things, when we are both ready'.
Now and then R talk would come up, please don;t press too hard then else as FNCJ taught me, FWS can feel 'interrogated' and clam up further.

I am pretty sure no caring FWS thinks the A doesn't bother the BS. More like they can't face it or themselves yet. In truth there will be plenty of time for R talk as you drop your defences after a while. I pushed Squid a tiny bit early I think, but she is opening up now and working harder on ME and out R than before. DO not wory what he thinks about your coping with the A. I have not yet read any WS that trivialises the effects of an A on a BS.

I know I should be using When statements like "When you talk to me in that tone of voice it makes me feel like I am stupid." Did you use these statements? Did they do any good?

statements like that are magical. They allow you to say exactly what you feel without allowing the FSW to screw it up and throw it back at ya ! Think about them first and do not follow them up with lovebusting justification. Everything from your point of view. When you us ethat tone when FWS is trying to make you LB it is most effective. I still say controversial stuff in that manner to Squid. It is a respectful way to convey painful or difficult issues.

Is it ok for me to ask him if he has broken contact with her? I am pretty sure he has not. Should I ask, or just leave it be?
It is MANDATORY that you ask. "When you do not assure me that you have stopped all contact with OW, it makes me feel that you are still incontact, and this makes me feel very sad, and worried".

Expect him to be angry however you ask the question because either :
a) he's in contact
b) he feels bad you don't trust him

Deal with that anger without lovebusting. Hard this plan A stuff innit ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Should I be letting him see how hurt and unhappy I am? The ADs kind of block most of my feelings and I tend not to react as happy or sad. Just kind of blah.Could your W tell you were unhappy?

yes I told her when I was unhappy but I NEVER wallowed in it in front of her. I got down the gym or took the kids out when the 'black dog' struck. As we rebuilt our R a little I would ask Squid " I feel sad thinking about the affair, can I have a hug to make me feel better please?". This validated her as lovable and loved by me. And it helped retsore intimacy between us. Truth and facts, kindly presented are not lovebusters. Do NOT cry & mope infront of him however.

Do I let him know when he is lying? I tend to not say anything.

Is it a bad thing for me to let him know I don't trust him? I simply try not to talk about it. (Avoidance)

All FWS hate the fact that we BS don;t trust them anymore AND with very good cause. they HATE it. Its embarassing to be 'accountable' like a remand prisoner after years of utter trust. But when Squid spat at me who she was calling on her mobile or who she was meeting for lunch, I would answer " thank you for helping me to trust you again. I want to trust you again, your openness really helps that process". I even joked occasionally "look, Squid, when you call the dog, the dog doesn't come because even HE doesn;t belive you after these last four months ! " She laughed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Should I be bringing him little goodies and gifts? I have always kind of done this.
If you feel like it. Do not expect anything back immediately though. Squid tells me he thought my early flowers and stuff were bribes. I did candle baths and dinners instead after a while which went down very well. Its not plan A to buy gifts or not.


What about touching? He never touches me and I would love to touch him. Is that a good thing or would it just drive him farther away? Now I believe that resumption of physical intimacy must come from the FWS. I told Squid that I missed feeling her touch and her kiss, but that it was OK.

Backing off all physical affection and ILYs drove rher crazy and she seduced me big style after fifteen weeks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If he doesn't welcome your touch, know that it is probably not revusion of YOU but unworthiness of HIM in his mind.

Sorry to introduce such a serious topic here in Idiotville, but while we are all waiting for Robby's report, I may as well ask now. Maybe I need to read SAA again. I may be missing something. Thanks, Bob.

de nada ! Ask Ark ^^ to repost her magnificent plan A thread. its fifty times my meagre efforts here. All blessings.

Famous People Say the Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scr*tum!' Patricia Arquette

"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." George Burns

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch." Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." Roseanne

"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?" Hugh Grant

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

LOL faith ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I sent Squid a 'goodnight' txt and she replied :
"our beds too big without you baby. I miss you. I love you.I wish U were home with us XXXX"

I am very touched. Its almost six months to the day since d-day for us and I never dreamed my Squid would ever have been SO loving towards me again.

WOW its been a hard six months. I can hardly remember the man I was then; the life I lived then.

My baby loves me again though. Scary thing is soon I must close the distance I maintain between us: let her inside my heart so she can hurt me dreadfully again if she chooses.

Thats the next milestone.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PAGING KY !!!!

You HAVE TO look at this internet card my Katie sent me ( 11 YO DD) !!!

Check out the picture !! LOL !
Choccy fun card !

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Whew!!

What a day!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

and......... how did it go??????

Com eon big teaser, how d'y a think the interviews went ?? !!!!!

$*@$&%@(%@$_&!!_&#$&_!#$

Good Evening everyone. Well it is he!! incarnate over here. BUt WTH, give me a beer.

{{{{{faa}}}}}

I hit it out of the freaking park!! Did real good. They want me to stay over, have meetings with four additional people tomorrow and meet the hiring manager from CA on Thursday.

Is that good?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

More later, going to celebrate!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />