Got the following from a friend. Light humor! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

1.Men are like ......Laxatives ....... They irritate the [censored] out of you.

2.Men are like ......... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.


3.Men are like ...... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

4.Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are like ... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like ....... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like ........ Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like ..... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like .... Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like . .. Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like ....... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now U guys, don't get all pushed out of shape, ok? We love you anyways. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Bravo ! Bravo !

Someone finally understands us !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ November 05, 2004, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi Orchid,

Remember the Turkey story? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LOL SS!!!!

{{Orchid}}
If I didn't luvya so much, I'd haveta make fun of me too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> Hi Orchid,

Remember the Turkey story? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh TMCM, please refresh this 'ol gal's' memory. Too much gobble gobble and reverse babble going on. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I even had a call from 'ol RH, he wanted to know why I was mad at him. U know, I couldn't be mad at him, he's too cute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad you all luv'd it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


L.

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 12:46 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

All right, by popular demand here is the Turkey story:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then, one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all of the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bedcovers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting fart which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened! But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

UM, SOME MEN are like sunshine on rainy days. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Loved the men are like & the turkey one...so hers something to help with that anger........

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a
phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A
man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Jim. May I
please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down
on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled, "You're an [censored] and hung up. I wrote his number
down with the word '[censored] ' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an [censored] It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic [censored] '
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and
slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an [censored]
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so
I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first [censored] ,
( I had his number on speed dial ),
I thought I had better call the BMW [censored] , too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
Yes, it is."
Can you tell me where I can see it, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. 's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
What's your name?" I asked.
My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
I'm home every evening after five."
Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
Yes?"
Don, you're an [censored] Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two [censored] s to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called [censored] #1.
"Hello."
You're an [censored] (But I didn't hang up.)
Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
[censored] , I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, [censored]
Then I called [censored] #2..
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, [censored] " I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your [censored]," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, [censored] , here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw
two [censored]'s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Dear Aussieswife,
ROTFLMAO!!!
Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is an old one but still good.

Conversation between president Bush and Condoleeza Rice, the National Security Advisor.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Oh my lord Aussieswife. That was the funniest thing I ever read in my life!

Haven't even read the others yet, can't stop laughing over this one!

You got me going here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Just read the Bush/Condi and the Turkey fart one, my guts hurting now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Last one.. warning, not very PC!
A manual for "what NOT to do" in a relationship.

This is what a woman says... (and this is what she means)
Do whatever you want! (You'll be sorry...)
Go ahead, leave. (I don't want you to leave.)
I'm not mad. (Of course I'm mad!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )
Do you really love me? (I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like.)
Do you think I'm fat? (Tell me I'm beautiful.)
You need to learn to communicate. (Shut up and listen.)
I'm not yelling! (Of course I'm yelling, you wouldn't listen to me otherwise!)

This is what a man says. (This is what he means.)
I'm hungry. (I'm hungry.)
I'm tired. (I'm tired.)
Shall we go to the movies? (Do you want to have sex with me?)
Can I take you to dinner? (Do you want to have sex with me?)
Can I phone you sometime? (Do you want to have sex with me?)
Shall we dance? (Do you want to have sex with me?)
Nice dress! (Can I take it off and do you want to have sex with me?)
You're so tensed, shall I give you a massage? (Do you want to have sex with me?)
I'm bored. (Do you want to have sex with me?)
I love you. (I want to have sex with you, right now!)
I love you too. (Yeah, yeah... and now I want to have sex with you!)
Let's talk. (I'll show I'm really "deep" and then maybe you'll have sex with me!)

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 06:41 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Thats funny still bh, I had a good laugh over that oldie.

Now here is one for the romantics out there....

A successful station owner died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the station, but knew very little about rasing cattle or sheep, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a station hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the homestead than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about raising cattle & sheep & general station management. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the station was doing very well. Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the station looks bonza!. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the attractive widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my knickers."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him with her deep blue eyes and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

AND I bet you all thought something! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh Brownhair,

Is that last one true or what?

I'm printing this thread out. It's great.

OMG brownhair I think I broke a rib laughing when I fell off the chair......lol

Sorry guys but its TRUE!! LMAO


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I can hear you girls laughing all the way to Belgium <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!! I'm checking my ribs too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Those were all so funny!

It's so nice to start our day with laughter.

Brownhair, I copied yours and sent it to my friends and relatives so they would have a morning chuckle.

Thanks all.
Keep them coming
Rachel

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: MakeYourOwnSunshine ]</small>

Man says to his wife...."How can you be so beautiful, and so stupid?"

Wife...."Well, God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And He made me so stupid, so that I would be attracted to you!"