I know the basic answer to this question is going to be no!
However, I read in a post that Plan A has 4 parts:
1)Stop LB'ing
2)Fill EN's you are comfortable with
3)Expose A
4)Inform WS of your feelings regarding A

D-Day was almost 2 months ago. My head has been a total mess since then. Sever depression, thought of killing myself, wanting to run away.

A bit of time and some AD's and I'm finally coming out of the fog. I tend to think WW is also, however, I'm not totally sure.

For the first time since I've read about Plan A I want to really do it. Not just part of it. Or say I'm doing it. Actually implement it

My question is more regarding items 3&4.
I understand about LB'ing, I've stopped that, EN's, I've been working on those.

Exposure: my family knows. WS has told her family.
However, OMW doesn't know, and since OM is a co-worker (and her manager at work), her workplace doesn't know.
Am I dancing around on the OMW Yes. Conscience wise, it's not clear cut to me. I don't need a 2X4. It's clearly not about revenge for me. Or being too chicken to talk to her. It's placing another person through what I've been through.
Would I want to know? ABSOLUTLY!!!
My Mother also said she would want to know. Even WW agreed she would want to know.

This is something I have to do or not do. And I don't know the best thing for me. I can get advice from everyone, but in the end, I have to deal with this.

Regarding item 4....
I know WW knows how "hurt" I am. Or I think she does. She's heard and seen nothing but for the past two months.
However, WW still works with OM. This kills me. I DO NOT want to have to frame this as me-or-your-job. However, each night she goes to work, my heart is ripped out. While she knows this, she doesn't want to quit job.
Is A continuing. I don't think so.

However, one spark, and things will go back. I understand that without a doubt.
It is the holiday season, we do need the money, she says she's working for the money, not any other reason.
I suspect and still snoop....I have enough suspicions to worry.
But WW's actions, emotions, and commitment seem genuine.
I think for the first time "I" am out of the fog. I just need to know how to proceed. How to do Plan A, or recover, or.....if need be confront.
And if I confront OMW, WW's work place. How do I do that in a respectful manner?
And if I confront WW further about her working, how do I do that and not LB?

Naples, try looking at the affair in another light. An affair is a assault on your marriage. The intent is to destroy your marriage. And your marriage will be destroyed unless you take courageous steps to defend it. You are at WAR!

And you are a very powerful man right now. You have the power to potentially end this affair and cause much trouble for the OM. Having an affair with a female subordinate is grounds for termination in most companies. This is a card that you can use further down the road if you need to.

However, you may not need to launch that nuke if you will simply inform the OMW. That is probably the single most effective tactic you can take to end the affair. As a matter of conscience, it is always the right thing to do no matter how you look at it. It would be an act of compassion to warn her that she is being harmed behind her back.

By not exposing the affair, you are only helping the OM destroy your marriage.

P.S. You say that WS told her family. WHAT did she tell them? Did she tell them the truth or did she spin the story?

I am so conflicted about telling OMW. I understand about placing "space" on both sides of them. Family, spouses, if necessary work place.
Each day I seem to resolve more to inform OMW. However, telling her that this was going on over the summer, seems like the past. Am I dredging up something for OMW?

I'm sure my wife put a spin on it.
In fact, several weeks ago I was in the hospital because of my depression, my wife put a spin on it with my parents.
In fact, she didn't even tell my mother what was going on, telling her about things from our past. Albeit, those things were hurtful, and I wasn't a saint. That wasn't the reason I was "messed up".

Naples, as long as your W is working with the OM, the affair is not in the past, it is in the present. And regardless, she has to know this. She has a right to know this.

Naples, do you know what Bob Pure said to me when he exposed this affair to the OMW? He said he no longer felt like a serf, but felt like a KNIGHT. And that is because it took bravery to to do the right thing.

BUT, by doing do, you are taking your life back into your own hands. And I strongly sense that this is what you need to do here, Naples. You are sitting back letting life "happen" to you, rather than taking charge of your own life and protecting it from her assault.

Do you see that you are under assault, Naples? Adultery is terribly depressing all on its own, but when you actively HELP the adulterers destroy you, it has to be devastating to one's self image. You are helping her hide her affair. But you can change that today.

There is absolutely no reason that your family should not know exactly why you were hospitalized. There is absolutely no reason that her family should not know about her affair. There is absolutely no reason why the OMW should not know about the affair today.

To help them keep this secret, Naples, is to AIDE AND ABET the affair. It is to help them destroy you. So, the choice is up to you. Do you want to be a serf or do you want to be a knight?

Playing the good natured surf....and devils advocate for a moment:

What if she is telling the truth?

What do I lose by total exposure?

I'm not trying to aid or abet here....just asking the question. Not trying to justify inaction or action.

I'm asking from all sides, not because I neet to justify, more so I know what I'm doing and why i'm doing it.

Thanks

Naples, lets say she is telling the truth and has ended the affair. You still must tell the OW and you still must somehow get her to leave that job. It doesn't matter if the affair has ended whether or not you tell the OWH, she still has to be told.

I suspect what you will find when you talk to the OMW and compare notes is that they are still having the affair. If you compare dates that they were gone from home, I bet they line up.

NOW, you wouldn't want to tell your families at this point if she truly has ended this affair, but I don't believe for 2 seconds she has ended the affair. As long as she sees him every day she is having the affair. And her need to go out for "space" pretty much says it all. space=affair

You have nothing to lose by total exposure. You have your marriage to lose if you don't. You will lose your marriage if you don't start doing something to save it. Because even though you don't MEAN to aide and abet the affair, that is exactly what you are doing.

Why not do something to help Naples for a change? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay,
I'm trying resolve to do these things.
It's been matter of feeling like I'm doing the right thing for the right reason.

There an issue I do need help with.

How do I convince WW to quit work? Or find another job?
I told her what I wanted, but she has to want it also. She has to see that it is the right thing to do before she'll do it. I'm not the manipulative type. I would have to rely on her coming to this realization on her own.
But in that case, it won't happen: will it?

Naples, her finding another job has to be a firm boundary that you set. But like you said, you cannot make her quit that job, but you can make that a condition of your willingness to stay and work on the marriage. If you are willing to stay, quitting her job is the least she can do.

Just remember, your marriage will never recover as long as she is in contact with the OM. Ain't going to happen.

I think if she does not agree to leave the job, you might have to expose the affair at her workplace. But that is down the road, Naples.

Your first order of business is to expose to the OMW and your families. The fallout from this exposure may put pressure on her to quit. She may come to this conclusion all on her own.

Your job is to make the affair as uncomfortable as possible. One step at a time.

Naples,

Every day that she continues to go to her job with the OM is one more day that your love for her dies. Eventually your love bank account will be so much in the red that it will be close out permanently. When this happens, it won't matter if your WW quits her job, ends all contact with the OM, and commits to rebuild the marriage, because you will no longer want to be married to her. Acknowledge that you cannot and will not force her to quit her job and stop all contact with the OM, but by the same token she cannot and will not be able to force you to seek a divorce if your love for her dies. All of this you must convey to her because she has to know that the ball in on her side of the court as to whether or not the marriage survives.

Just spoke with WW on phone. Told her gently that I can't stand her continuing to work with OM.
That it really kills me inside.
She admits that it is very hard working with someone she still has feelings for. But, she is still unwilling to consider quiting job. Her reasons: She has other friends there, it is something she likes, is something she is good at, maybe the best of those she works with, she get's benifits (she might not in a similar postion).

I really think she values this job over our marriage.
I re-stated I would never place the statement out there quit or this marriage is over.
But, now I wonder.
A little piece of my love for her does die each time she goes there. I don't think she realizes that.

Her parents are at my home now.....I'm wondering if I should call them. Call MIL, tell her that I do love her daughter, That I know she and I have had a rough past. That I am commited to her, and our marriage. But, while she continues to work with OM, things will be very very hard on us and our children.

I just don't want to turn them against me.

Naples, just do first things first. Call the OMW today and then immediately tell your family and her family. Tell them that you need their support and love in this very trying time.


After the dust settles from this, then you can worry about her work situation. And again, while you can't force her to quit her job, you can set a boundary that you are not willing to work on the marriage as long as she continues to see the OM. But that is not your main worry today.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Naples, just do first things first. Call the OMW today and then immediately tell your family and her family. Tell them that you need their support and love in this very trying time.


After the dust settles from this, then you can worry about her work situation. And again, while you can't force her to quit her job, you can set a boundary that you are not willing to work on the marriage as long as she continues to see the OM. But that is not your main worry today. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is excellent advice. I cannot stress the importance of exposure. There is nothing to be gained in the long run from continuing the affair. The affair's blood supply is deceit and lies, clamp that supply and let the affair die it's death quicker this way. In my own situation, continuing to enable the affaiy by keeping it a secret only preserved the affair. Melody's advice is right on.

I've given up.

She has won. I'm tired of being held hostage by her tears and anger. I'm tired of trying my butt off. I'm tired of hurting, and being the only one hurting.

I've given this my all. I have.

Inside each of us we know when we are beaten. And I've lost.

I realized, my problem. My whole idea of love is wrong. I think it's the stuff dreams are made of. When for most people it's no more than an itch on their nose, or a feeling like having to use the bathroom, or just cheap sex.
I've always thought love was so much more. A rare special thing.

And so, in the end, I'm the one who really learned something.
That none of this matters, it's all just an act, or for show.
It's all materialistic. Emotions have no place.

Naples, now knock it off! You are not being held hostage against your will! And what have you tried to do really? Follow the path of LEAST RESISTENCE and hope for the best?! You get out of this what put into it.

You can't give up before you have even arrived at battle. I know it is discouraging, but you are giving up before you have even fired the first shot. You have worn yourself down by not taking action. If you will take control of this situation by enacting a strategy, instead of just sitting there letting things "happen" to you, you will feel much better.

But this thing is not going to magically resolve on its own. You have been committed to the path of least resistance and it has got you nowhere, except worn down and worn out.

Now, do you want to work on this marriage? There are no guarantees, but maybe there is some hope here if you are willing do some heavy lifting. Do you want some help, Naples?

There is nothing to save or work at.
I won't fight. The heck with that.
Why should I?

I have no pride or self respect left. I can't make a move without being blamed for everything.
I've swallowed so much pain and hatered from her, and she's the one who's had the affair.

This is about love. Not about marriage.
The two are different.
Marriage is a physical thing. It can be broken and fixed. Love isn't the same. Love may be able to heal, but only if the person inflicting the wound is willing to help heal it.
SHE IS NOT.
I will not play games to make her do that.
I'm sick to death of this.
Hell a few weeks ago, I nearly hurt myself over this.
I don't ever want to be in that place again.
I'm here now. I can't fight the world to win a woman who is in love with another man.
Is any person worth all of your remainng self respect?
Do I have to give up every shred of who I am, what I believe?

DO I want help.... yes, but the person who can help me, her heart belongs to another.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Naples ]</small>

Naples, you are right, no person is worth your self respect. I agree with ya there. So why not do something different for a change that can help your self respect? Such as doing everything in your power to end her affair and standing up for yourself? Sitting by doing nothing has only eroded your self respect.

You are wrong that she is the person that can help you. She has nothing to give you right now. Naples is the only guy that can help Naples right now.

Did you know that women do not respect men they can run over? If you start taking action here, your W will have a different attitude towards you.

Are you already surrendering before the war even started?

What has happened today that has you so upset?

I have not read this whole thread but I have to weigh in quickly because I have to take my girls to dance class. I hope I'm not under-informed.

YOU MUST TELL THE OMW!! Not doubt about it!! It is the right thing to do!!!!

I wish I was told by the people that knew my husband was having affairs. A huge part of my life was ripped/stolen from me. I had no choices because I didn't know the situation I was in. I HAD ANOTHER BABY WITH MY HUSBAND. I would never have done that. I lost six years of my life. My baby could of been born with AIDS. How would you feel if you knew and didn't tell her and she had a baby with AIDS or another STD?! This is not only about you and your relationship with your wife. Just like the people that have affairs must understand this effect way more people then just their spouses, you have to understand the info you have effects way more people then you can even guess at.

This is not your decision to make. This is your duty to carry out. You have no right to hide this from the OMW. She has a right to make informed decisions about her life, health and happiness.

I know it would be hard, but anyone reading this and is in your situation must understand how important this is.

Just because it seems like everyone out there is just doing their thing, living like the are the center of the universe, acting on every impulse and whim to satisfy themselves doesn't mean we have to be selfish, too. Someone in this darn world has to do the right thing!!!!

Maybe just maybe you would gain a little self respect by doing the right thing in a bad situation.

Believe me, read my past posts, my depression , hurt and anger are right there with yours. I've thought about running away, killing myself. I hate myself everyday.

I wish we could all be in the same place together so we could comfort each other. I wish I had more to offer you and the others on this site. I wish we could find an island and name it MB and live there with all of us wounded but kind and loving souls.

The only thing that gets me through the day is the fact that I HAVE to. Nothing else gets me through. I have no choice. You have no choice. So together we all will muddle through this crap until someday we will be better.

Deep down inside, hiding and scared, is the person inside us that is saying "I don't deserve this. No matter what mistakes I've made, I don't deserve this. There are people in this world that can love and appreciate me. Just because the person I love NOW is not capable of that love for me, it doesn't make me any less worthy of love and respect."

I'll pray for you. Hang in there. Come here when you need to. Try to find anything you can to take your mind off things even if just a little while (exercise, go out with friends, take a drive...)