I am done with her.

I told her that today. Just now again. I am tired of being dragged through the ringer.

Why today?
I know shes been lying. I have proof. I don't need any more reason.

No more chances. No more lies. No more! I'm so done with her.

I'm not going to play games and drag other people into this.
Other people can take care of themselves.
If OMW can't see what is going on, I feel sorry for her.
She'll have plenty of time to figure it out now.
All on her own.

I'm not going to be involved in this any longer.
I am taking myself out of this situation. I do not deserve to be treated this way. And no matter how much I love her, I'm not giving this marriage another chance.

She had her chance. She squandered it on phone calls and whispers in the dark.
Well good for her.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: Naples ]</small>

not so angry now. sorry.

but, resolve to end it is still there.

Not angry at her. At myself. For waiting so long to turn away.

I have an ideal of love. And it has been shattered. I don't think i can get that back by playing mind games and fighting. It's not about being weak. It's about, right and wrong.

I am so sorry you are going through this, Naples. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Naples

[2x4 warning]

If you weren't so low I'd suggest you search this board for my pre-exposure posts.

They were almost identical to yours - imploring, poetic,self pitying... PATHETIC. Soppy rationalizing why its ok to be too scared to take BRAVE action to save your M. Get drunk and drive at a tree. I tried that and missed. REALLY pathetic.

Look your notion of love vs Marriage isn't worth cr@p. You know why? Because you won't risk taking the ONE action that empowers you and slaps the affair on the table for all to see: exposing to the OMs wife thereby giving your LOVE a chance.

Its not playing a GAME to involve her FFS !!!!!!!Its your MORAL OBLIGATION to tell her IMO, and by the way it also makes your WW get serious about what she wants.

All that rubbish about " my friends are at work so I can't change jobs".
She wants to stay working there because OM IS THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL WS talk like this. ALL OF THEM even ones that go on to recover. Its FOG. Predictable behaviour just like symptoms of diseases.

Exposing will make you VERY unpopular with your WW and the OM because you will prevent them form continuing their affair as a fun fantasy liason.

And what have you got to lose? You aver that you have given up on your WW anyway, so expose and give it a shot !

It will most likley be the very bravest an scariest thing you have ever done to expose and although OVERWHELMINGLY it helps kill the affair, there are no guarantees but let me tell you whether it works or not you will feel EMPOWERED that you did what your family needed you to do.

Expose and you might JUST win a chance at recovery. Or cluck about in your chicken pen writing eulogies while some undeserving rat b@stard screws your WW in your face.

BE A MAN. Expose FFS.

Twenty weeks ago my FWW was amongst the meanest , foulest behaving WS on this board. Now she is back with me, loving and TRYING TO RECOVER.

This would not have happened without exposure.

And DO NOT Tell me I am being unfair I WAS YOU MAN!!!!!!!!!!

just THREE MONTHs AGO I WAS YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!

All love and blessings to you but FIRE THE GUN IN YOUR HAND.

{{{{{naples}}}}}

Well things aren't much different.

Sorry I am ducking the 2x4's Not because I may not need them. Mostly, I can't bring myself to do what I'm being asked from ya'll. I can't expose OM to his wife.

Sorry, I have a personal moral objection to that. Would I like to. yes. but, to me it is wrong. As wrong as it would be for me to have a revenge affair.
I know ya'll voices of experiance are telling me otherwise, however, I can't do this.
And I won't be doing it.

As for WW, well she is swearing on peoples graves who have yet to even die, that she isn't seeing him still. That she isn't even having any personal conversations with him. Just work related.
That the little space she is asking for is only to sort out feeling she has had for OM. That she does need to put that behind her.

She, for a change is willing to quit work.

On this topic I'm stuck.

This is where trust is going to play a huge part in our relationship. If I do trust her. If she isn't lying to me, then even though the line around here is contact=affair, that will still be in my mind.
On the other hand. She assures me this will not happen. She admits her mistake. Sounds like she wants to put this behind us.

That being said, I don't want her to resent me for making her quit her job. I don't want that to be a sore spot in our relationship in the future.
The easy way, for me is to tell her quit. Have her do it while she is still willing. She said she would. I may not still be able to hold her to that, because I didn't say a work either way.
And yes it would make me happy.

I wouldn't feel a piece of me die when she went to work. But, then, I don't want her love to die for me because I am keeping her caged. Thses are not her words or feelings...only mine.
I know her reasons for wanting to stay working there. These are my own additional concerns over future resentment.

I don't know whether to throw caution to the wind and trust her. Or keep being the sneeky little Golem creature I've become.
It turns my stomach the things I do now.
I monitor her cell, I monitor OM cell (don't ask), keyboard monitors, car milage, work sign in and out times, store recipts.
I second guess her every move.
And most times she seems to be being honest, I just question when there are strange things. And then she seems quiet. Or seems like she is lying

I hate who she's made me become.

I want to try and trust her. I want to more forward, which is what she keeps asking of me.

She even told me she is falling back in love with me. SO many things feel right. Just there are some nagging doubts. And things playing over and over in my mind that I can't let go of.

Well things aren't much different.


That sbecause you haven't done anything to help change them.

You don't expose, the A lasts much longer.You can rationalize that its immorral all you want.

MY exposure actually catlysed OMS GF to start REBUILDING their M after years of deceit and denial.

And I was warned by SOME posters here that it ws immoral for me to expose.

How can taking action to stop your own W and this other womans H from constinuing an affair be immoral ?

But as they say on teh daytime US TV shows we get over here " whatever".

You change nothing, nothing changes. Get used to that horrible feeling of fear in your gut.

It will be there until you expose.

All blessings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong> Mostly, I can't bring myself to do what I'm being asked from ya'll. I can't expose OM to his wife.

Sorry, I have a personal moral objection to that. Would I like to. yes. but, to me it is wrong. As wrong as it would be for me to have a revenge affair.
I know ya'll voices of experiance are telling me otherwise, however, I can't do this.
And I won't be doing it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Naples, I realize that exposure is a very scary thing, but there is nothing immoral about warning someone they are being harmed behind their back. Would you consider it immoral to warn your neighbor that his bookkeeper is embezzling money from him? I would hope not. What is immoral is adultery.

I would ask that you reconsider this step, because it is one of the most effective tools you have in your arsenal. It is so powerful that it often leads to the immediate end of the affair.

To NOT expose it is to HELP them carry on their affair. In other words, you are contributing to your own demise.

I do think its very promising that she has agreed to quit her job. If you are willing to stay and work on the marriage, that is the least she can do because recovery is impossible is she is still in contact.

As far as trusting her, I don't see any reason that you should trust her. Has she exhibited trustworthy behavior over a long period of time? Trust has to be earned and you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.

Bob,

thanks for being so frank.....

twisted guts or not. Morally right or wrong.
WW stays or goes. Affair continues or ends.

At the end of the day I have to live with myself.

Am I choosing the path of least resistance?
Or am I taking the high road?
Is OM off "screwing" my wife as you felt you needed to so bluntly add? Quite possibly.
However, I don't have to live with that WW does.

WW has to be able to sleep at night knowing I did not drag her through the mud.
That I didn't even drag OM through mud.

Honestly, if WW is in love with OM, she can have him.
I'm not going to kick her out. I'm not going to let her drag me along through this.

For our marriage to work she must love me. She must want it to work. She must come home and try.
Plan A, Plan B, Expose, LB's, EN's
All those thing are important in making a relationships work again in many cases. But they are tools.

The romantic in me says: "...all you need is love..."

Naples

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong>
That the little space she is asking for is only to sort out feeling she has had for OM.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe it for 2 seconds and you shouldn't either. If she were committed to her marriage, she would be doing things to foster trust, not doing things that further erode trust. A person can "think" at home just fine.

Melody,

Am I contributing to my own demise?
Is exposure a powerful tool in my "arsenal"?

Ya'll talk of fighting. War.

Not to me, I won't do that.
I'm not turning the other cheek either.

She is getting the chance right now to end this affair. That window will close very quickly. When my own mental health can't take it any longer. Then, fight or no, she is on her own.
Will I take her back NO!
Have I told her this. Yes. She is aware.
If the affair is over, as she claims. Fine.
Show me!

Quit work, maintain no contact, work on marriage.
Earn my trust.

But fog or no....if she doesn't want to do that, I'm not going to take the low road.

And I will sleep and night comforted by that fact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:


WW has to be able to sleep at night knowing I did not drag her through the mud.
That I didn't even drag OM through mud.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Naples, they are already in the mud. And are pulling you down with them through your inaction. You aren't resisting. They are working desperately to drag your marriage down there. Your job is to pull your WW out of the mud and prevent her from pulling you down. That is what we are trying to help you with here.

Your W becomes clean again once the affair is ended. And we are trying to help you end this affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not going to let her drag me along through this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is exactly what you are doing. She is driving the boat, you are just along for this crazy ride. We want NAPLES to take over and drive the boat, the only sane person in this debaucle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For our marriage to work she must love me. She must want it to work. She must come home and try.
Plan A, Plan B, Expose, LB's, EN's
All those thing are important in making a relationships work again in many cases. But they are tools.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will not love you until her affair is ended. She is living in a fantasy world and probably believes that she loves the OM right now. That will not change until this affair is ended and she comes back to reality. THAT IS THE PURPOSE OF PLAN A AND PLAN B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong>

But fog or no....if she doesn't want to do that, I'm not going to take the low road.

And I will sleep and night comforted by that fact. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who is suggesting that you take the low road? I am not sure what you mean by that.

To me...... IMHO

The low road is exposure. It is lowering myself to their level. It's putting myself in the midst of the affair.
Am I there already? Yes. In a manner of speaking.
Have I been a mess of emotions. Without a doubt.
However, I am better than this.

If WW wants to make marriage work, then she must show me. She must come to me and tell me.

From what I read around here, that may not happen. Because she'll need to be shocked out of the fog my exposure, or some other method of her affair ending.

Right now, she has a few more weeks. That is my deadline. She's unaware of it. At that point it will have been two months since d-day. if she's not ready then.

The heck with it.
She can sort things out on her own. No Plan B.
Just file for divorce.

No one twisted her arm to have an affair. I won't twist her arm to make her stop it.
She's a big girl.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The low road is exposure. It is lowering myself to their level. It's putting myself in the midst of the affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are putting yourself in the midst of the affair NOW by helping them hide their secret. You are taking the low road by hiding this affair for them. You have become an accessory to the crime. Do you see that? By your silence, you are helping the affair continue. There is no virtue in helping someone hide their dirty secrets. Exposure is the high road.

I think you have much better options than going to divorce, Naples. You haven't even tried Plan A yet. Marriage Builders is no guarantee but it has a much better chance of working than what you are doing. What you are doing has not worked. Why not try something different?

<small>[ November 12, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Well That was interesting.................

OM just called me.

firstly, I have been struggling with exposure. I knew OM was at work last night. Assumed his OMW may be home. Anyway she wasn't. I tried to call.

OM calls me at work (must have seen the caller ID).

Asking me not to talk to his wife. Telling me, since I told him to leave my wife alone that he has.
Though I'm pretty sure they still talk.

A huge sob story about his wife being emotionally unstable. That she would end up in the hospital for a very long time.
WW has told me some of this stuff before about OMW having not worked for a long time, having eating disorder. Things like that. I've known this stuff, that has been part of my personal hesitation...not that I would share that with WW or OM.

So OM essentially begs me not to talk to his wife.

I spent much longer than I should have explaining to OM that his wife has a right to know.

OM knows he's on shakey ground with me because of work. Knows, even though I've never said it, I could get him fired. In another store locally the same company is in the process of firing another person for pretty much the same thing.

This isn't about power...OM didn't seem to understand this either. He didn't understand that the only person who knows how his wife really feels, how his wife would take this is me.
I've been in the hospital. I know how messed up stuff like this makes you.

Anyway....I told OM, it wasn't his choice it was mine. That I struggle with it every day. That in the end, there is not much he can do about it.
That wasn't a threat.....

This whole thing doesn't make me feel better.

My goodness, the nerve of some people. If he didn't want his wife to find out he shouldn't have had an affair. Its nothing to do with you. She has the right to know, whether it comes from you or him. It will probably be all lies if it comes from him though.

Don't let him stop you from doing what you think is right. Go down fighting!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong>
A huge sob story about his wife being emotionally unstable. That she would end up in the hospital for a very long time.
WW has told me some of this stuff before about OMW having not worked for a long time, having eating disorder. Things like that. I've known this stuff, that has been part of my personal hesitation...not that I would share that with WW or OM.

So OM essentially begs me not to talk to his wife.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So essentially, he wants you to help him hide his affair. Oh gee, the lying OM is deciding what is "best" for his wife. Why doesn't that picture not quite fit? Is the rapist qualified to decide what is "best" for his victim? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He is begging you not to tell because it would interfere with his affair with your W.

Don't help him, Naples.

Just so you know, they ALL say that their spouses are "unstable" to prevent you from busting them. It is almost ALWAYS a lie designed to protect the affair.

I don't believe all the stuff about his wife but it still is not an excuse for her not to know. The fact that she is supposedly "unstable" makes it even more imperative that she be told the truth so she can protect herself from him.

Originally posted by Naples:
<strong>The low road is exposure. It is lowering myself to their level.</strong>

I must say, I commend Melody for her persistence. PLEASE listen to her. She is totally right. You are lowering yourself to their level by hiding their dark and dirty secret. You are better than that. Bring this to the light of day, air it out.

<strong>If WW wants to make marriage work, then she must show me. She must come to me and tell me.</strong>

Newsflash: your WW is in the midst of an affair. She doesn't want to make this marriage work right now. She just wants more of OM.

Let me ask you: if a loved one were poisoning themselves with drugs, would you sit idly by and say "Well, until they come to me asking for help, I'm not stooping to such a low level as to TALK about their drug use and thus involve myself in a druggie's lifestyle. I am better than that." I hear anger in what you say, but no sense.

<strong>Right now, she has a few more weeks. That is my deadline. She's unaware of it.</strong>

I wonder how many deadlines she has set for you that you're unaware of? I wonder how many imaginary hoops you're supposed to jump through before she deems it worth her while to invest some effort into the M?

Don't you see that this is just wrong? You are setting her up to fail!

Naples, I understand that you are in unbelievable pain right now. I have been in your shoes. I do know what you are going through. Let me tell you that stubbornness and pride have no place in your marriage. Humility and love do.

well that settles it....

I can't do anything right.


not for myself, nor for anyone else. I knew it was stupid to give this a few more weeks.

I can't live like this anymore.
AND NO I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR HER. NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

I should have stuck with my plans earlier this week.

I'm getting it from all sides. Here, friends, family.
People do get it.

I don't know why i tried. She really has won now.
was supposed to go out with family tonight. they'll have to go alone.

i can't do that anymore. therre is nothing left to fight for. if what is being said is true. this is a mile of lies. a mile of trouble. a mile of pain.
I don't want to do this. I didn't before. I don't now.
Why did I let myself be sucked back into this situation.
why did i let her word trick me again. why didn't I just close my ears to it all and move on.
that is what i wanted earlier this week. everyone kept saying try....
there isn't any point any more.

The kids will be better off this way. No more fighting. No more mixed signals from their parents.

This weekend is too long to deal with.....I can't do it. Too scared to have to do all the things that go along with this......

just leave it alone....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Naples:
<strong> well that settles it....

I can't do anything right.


not for myself, nor for anyone else. I knew it was stupid to give this a few more weeks.

I can't live like this anymore.
AND NO I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR HER. NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

I should have stuck with my plans earlier this week.

I'm getting it from all sides. Here, friends, family.
People do get it.

I don't know why i tried. She really has won now.
was supposed to go out with family tonight. they'll have to go alone.

i can't do that anymore. therre is nothing left to fight for. if what is being said is true. this is a mile of lies. a mile of trouble. a mile of pain.
I don't want to do this. I didn't before. I don't now.
Why did I let myself be sucked back into this situation.
why did i let her word trick me again. why didn't I just close my ears to it all and move on.
that is what i wanted earlier this week. everyone kept saying try....
there isn't any point any more.

The kids will be better off this way. No more fighting. No more mixed signals from their parents.

This weekend is too long to deal with.....I can't do it. Too scared to have to do all the things that go along with this......

just leave it alone.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">******SIGH ***** <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry for your pain.