KMEJ,
I have posted to you before and so have many others. This is a marriage board so all of our advice was generally about getting yourself together and working on your M. You have taken NONE of the advice given as far as I can see.

If you just want to chat with someone that you find "interesting" this is probably the wrong place for you.

FYI, if you would read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass or even "Surviving An Affair" by Harley, and pay attention, you will see how your actions and your vulnerable state could lead others to worry about you having your own A.

Personally, I find it very, very frustrating when either BS or Ws come on this board asking for help and never really doing anything about their situation. I have responded to you and then stopped because it is just too personally frustrating to me to take time and energy to try and help you and have it ignored. I believe that you are just not ready. You kind of enjoy being in this situation, or at least you are getting something from it, because you aren't making any changes. I don't mean to sound harsh. We all proceed at our own pace. For some that means staying stuck. That is all within your control and is your choice.

I wish you the best and I think many others here do too, but you want to continue to justify, excuse and complain but not act in a positive manner toward a better situation.

KB~
when I wrote what I did it was b4 I even knew about LIT's thread. I am okay with it, not mad about it.

I am just curious, you wrote there was nothing wrong with what Lemonman has posted, I take it there is with mine?

Lemonman-
WHat did you deleate on the other thread can I ask?

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Anne6263 ]</small>

Andrew,

So do you really believe that when your WW tells you that? I just have a hard time believing that in my own case but I guess each person is different.

The main reason I go on this site it to try to understand the anatomy of the A. Can't say I totally understand things, but it definitely has been insightful. The best thing I got out of this site was the comments about the "fog". This helped me a lot because it helped me understand why I didn't understand the justification my WW gave for the affair.

In general, I can't understand how their can be any justification of an affair. When you take marriage vows you should mean them. There is always the "right" alternative to having an affair. Its called having the courage to leave the relationship the "right" way regardless of the circumstances and inconvienence it might cause you or other people. I think some people are just too cowardly and weak to do it. There are lots of people in relationships and marriages they probably shouldn't be in, but just end it instead of having an A. Easy said than done, right?

Also I think that just because one is lonely and unhappy in their marriage doesn't mean they are going to have an affair. Its a sad state when people can justify their wrong behaviour by just saying they weren't happy.

I have been unhappy and lonely for quite sometime. Some people would probably say I was vulnerable for an affair. Maybe I am. But I wasn't the one who had an affair, and I wouldn't. I couldn't live with myself if I did. Some people have morals and values and are stronger than that.

Ok I'll get off my soap box now... :-)

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Anne6263 ]</small>

KMEJ I'm going to jump ahead and guess at your frustration. You tiptoe around your real life and find some freedom and friendship on this board and now there are some *rules* being set down here too. Sweetie, don't you see how the control over your life H has affects EVERYTHING else? You are desperate for some relief, who wouldn't be in your situation, geeze. Stop and think about the thread, there is wisdom in it. It's not a slam on you, just a concern for you.

Sorry for the triple posts--now it looks like I was trying to flog you with my opinion. I am sorry, I don't know how to edit or I would delete them.

glad that you are a fly on my wall, and see that I am sitting on my hands doing nothing. While you are there can you tell me what color to repaint my walls?

I am doing things, maybe not as fast as you all would like, but my H is rarely home and I only have so much time to work with. If it is not fast enough for all you, there is nothing I can do about that. It is so much easier said then done. I wish you all could see how hard I am trying, and how many of your ideas I impliment. It is just to hard breaking and embarressing to post all my failings. You want to stop posting to me, that is your choice. THanks for the effort anyhow.

I am not using this as a chat room persay. I am just saying that sometimes I like to just have a conversation. Is there something wrong with that?

well, this is a subject that I left for dead when it came up this weekend.....unfortunatley it has resurfaced. I know LIT you had a number of disclaimers and I appreciate that, but I really had a problem with you using SPECIFIC NAMES. I may be in the wrong here, but this is my opinion. I know that you didn't mean any harm, I really believe that and I am now going to apologize for making the comment above about your "nervous breakdown". You are a smart girl, you had to know that no matter how many dislaimers you put in (and you put like 10 in) feelings were going to be hurt. One poster even posted to you with a comment like " I know about this LIT, I had to stop reading that thread also", as if we committed an adulterious act. I was extremely pissed off at you and wrote you a scathing response but I thought better of it and deleted it. As far as I am concerend the matter is dead. You may not have meant offense, but I was offended. I know you meant well, but this is how I took it. Yeah, it is my problem how that made me feel, so that is why I deleted my response to you and let the subject die.

Knewbetter-
I agree with you. This is one place I can go, H does not get mad, or tell me I am cheating on him or what not. I like it here, and now I have to be paranoid about everthing I post. It is a big time bummer for me.
Yes I call out Lemonman a lot. I enjoy the conversation. I have reread some of them, I can see where LIT's red flags went up. however I look forward to my time on here, am on it way too much, and chating with Lemonman is just a bonus.

I am sorry to have hurt your feelings, not my intention AT ALL. I would just really like to help you not continue being hurt and from your posts, it just continues. Your H crosses your boundaries all the time. Have you done any reading? Can you see how the plans could be implemented in your life? I don't expect anyone to do anything unreasonable, just trying to short cut your journey if at all possible. Sweetie, just talking to your H and telling him you are upset isn't going to change anything. You need knowledge and a plan.

NOthing wrong with conversations on here, but in your vulnerable state you would be FAR better off talking to other women, NO men, especially someone like Lemonman who is having a hard time forgiving his wife and isn't wanting to work on his M using MB at this time.

I will stop posting to you as I have certainly offended you. You seem like a very kind, sweet, generous person who is truly in a horrible situation. I just hope it doesn't get worse.

KMEJ,
I haven't read the whole thread but am responding to your question. No, I never had an EA or a PA and I never would. The H of a friend of mine is extrememly attractive, and I stay as far away from him as possible. I know just how vulnerable I am. My D was at the house of a friend who is getting divorced so that I could volunteer at our children's school, and afterwards I stopped to pick up more paint for painting our family room. I've been in the store several times, and honestly, the guy who sells paint is attractive to me.

When I was reading a thread of yours, it reminded me of an e-mail exchange that Tom showed to me between him and Sophia. It reminded me, that's all, and my own vulnerability having endured physical abuse and an affair reminds me of you.

Pep, if you are reading this, I know you never responded to my thread where I brought up your telling me to RUN! and told you I am now listening, but I am realizing that this cannot continue. My children need me. And I am grateful to you for the time you took with me. People on this thread indicate some frustration with KMEJ over her unwillingness to do what is advised, but treatment like this by a spouse over a long period of time has such a corroding effect on the person's soul that it is very difficult to repair. The supportive e-mails I got more than a year ago have been like a guiding light to me, and so I encourage those who are talking to KMEJ now to continue even if it seems she isn't listening, isn't doing anything, isn't realizing the situation she actually is in. It takes time, and I for one appreciate all of the help that people have given me. Especially you, Pep.

Cherished

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Andrew- I am frustrated because I liked coming here, and I liked the people. and now I am going to have to second guess myself on everything I post...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> glad that you are a fly on my wall, and see that I am sitting on my hands doing nothing. While you are there can you tell me what color to repaint my walls?

I am doing things, maybe not as fast as you all would like, but my H is rarely home and I only have so much time to work with. If it is not fast enough for all you, there is nothing I can do about that. It is so much easier said then done. I wish you all could see how hard I am trying, and how many of your ideas I impliment. It is just to hard breaking and embarressing to post all my failings. You want to stop posting to me, that is your choice. THanks for the effort anyhow.

I am not using this as a chat room persay. I am just saying that sometimes I like to just have a conversation. Is there something wrong with that? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ:

I think the best thing you can do is let the matter die. Acknowedge the others concern for you (and that is what I think they really have) and move on. I think your situation is frustrating. You seem to have the wisdom to know what to do, but are just too afraid to do it. That is ok, we are all afraid to do the things that we know will be painful. This is not a chat board per se, but I find it very interesting that other posters (see the ridicoulus thread entiitled "idiotville") are just doing that. I am sure that somehow that thread will be justified. I would let this situation die. I felt that I was being accused of trying to have an innapropiate conversation with you and that really really pissed me off. I have since laughed this off, and realized that it is my problem how I feel. I am an honorable good man, and I can only control how others make me feel. I would get over this and move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lemonman,
you are right this needs to die right here and now. I must be really nieve though, I did not realize people had a problem with me, or our conversations.
I am okay with them, and you say you are, so enough has been said.

How have you been lately? I mean really? I have read some of your posts, sounds like you have had a rough time as of late.

I will not be on too terribly much longer. I called in sick to work today, H will be home in about 4-5 hours, and my house is no where near clean, and here I am still sitting in my pajamas at 12:45 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I had a busy weekend, lots of fun, and am trying very hard to recoup and get everything done I was suppose to this weekend!

Sorry KMEJ didn't see your question. Yes, it was from your end alone. If you read the books and the posts you will see how easy it is to fall into a line of conversation and questioning that can lead into an EA. There is a progression and in my observation and obviously that of others, you were headed there. I could do a cut and paste but I'm going to spare you.

You need to examine yourself on this very carefully. You are absolutely vulnerable, understandably so. How is this going to change when nothing changes in real life? What changes are you willing to make to improve life for you and the kids?

To be honest, I'm glad this came out b/c it's all part of the big picture. I wrestled with myself when you made the request to delete not only your own posts but any and all posts where you were quoted. I was relieved when Justuss took that decision out of my hands b/c I do not see the point of pretending that you are only here trying to recover from your H's affair. You have much greater marital issues than that and if you pretend otherwise it is sort of like playing at being on MB.

If you continually post as if you never heard any of the advice you have been given (the "Should we/I have another baby together" thread comes to mind) it comes off as if you are not really serious about recovering your Self or your marriage. So why are you here? This is the *social club* that NONE of us either wanted or expected to be in, KMEJ. This is what I meant by keeping it real. Do you understand? Ugh, I really hate saying the hard things to you....you do understand that right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> KB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cherished:
Pep, if you are reading this, I know you never responded to my thread where I brought up your telling me to RUN! and told you I am now listening, but I am realizing that this cannot continue. My children need me. And I am grateful to you for the time you took with me. People on this thread indicate some frustration with KMEJ over her unwillingness to do what is advised, but treatment like this by a spouse over a long period of time has such a corroding effect on the person's soul that it is very difficult to repair. The supportive e-mails I got more than a year ago have been like a guiding light to me, and so I encourage those who are talking to KMEJ now to continue even if it seems she isn't listening, isn't doing anything, isn't realizing the situation she actually is in. It takes time, and I for one appreciate all of the help that people have given me. Especially you, Pep.

Cherished </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember... I did not think that YOU remembered!!! ~LOL~

Pep

Pep,

I felt like I needed to stay on this board to get my thanks to you. I do remember, and I do appreciate all of your help.

As I told KMEJ, there is an abuse fog as well....I'm coming out of it, and I can recognize it in KMEJ. You helped me to come out of it, and I appreciate that and thank you.

Cherished

KB- Thinking back, I really can not think of what I wrote that would bring this big hoopla about.

Cherished, I think you are right, I like to live in my fantasy world, and take the little bit of good and forget the bad. Never thought it would make me "bad" for MB.

I am here for the right reasons, maybe now I need to leave for the wrong ones.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anne6263:

NOthing wrong with conversations on here, but in your vulnerable state you would be FAR better off talking to other women, NO men, especially someone like Lemonman who is having a hard time forgiving his wife and isn't wanting to work on his M using MB at this time.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I must say this:

I DID raise my eyebrows reading the aforementioned conversation ... and I felt rather uneasy thinking that these 2 could easily become too personal ... as they are currently very vulnerable people.

It has happened before between MB posters... 2 opposite sex BS developed an inappropriate friendship trying to help each other.

Anne, I noticed this as well and became "aware"... not concerned, really, but just aware.

Pep