</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> sounds like you are doing well. I am very impressed that you were able to turn away the temptation and teh "plenty laid" attitude of your friends. With what a big hit our ego's take when we are betrayed, it is hard not to try and rebuild it by going out and getting a rebound lay. I had lots of friends trying to set me up as well. I was such a mess at that time. They were just trying to get me out of my rut.

How long until your divorce is final?

What was the final breaking point for you that told you that you have had enough, you will take no more, and you took on this take no prisoners attitude? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Divorce final Decemeber 31st. I am not sure exactly what was the "final straw". I guess eventually, I just got tired of all the pain and BS. You see, I think I was in denial over all of this (like soooo many on here) and thinking that if I just would "love her enough" she would come back. She betryaed me once and I took her back, and I found out she did it again in the worst possible way. It is a tough thing to handle, and I don't know how in God's name people live with themsleves after tolerating multiple multiple behaviors of infidelity, lies, deciet, and financila ruin. I am still trying to forgive myself for a lot of my pathetic self degarding behavior. I am stronger now and I know that I will be strong enough some day to be a great husband and father. I guess to answer your question, the second act of infidelity was the breaking point for me. After that, it was just downhill from there. Many people will discount all of this as saying it is "fog" or whatever "BS" they need to say to rationalize to themsleves what happened AGAIN, but that is what did it for me. Fool me once....shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me. KMEJ, if you suscribe to the MB principles, then multiple affairs and deciet and continued lies and betrayal don't really matter in the GRAND scheme of things b/c it is the marriage that has to be "saved at all costs".

If you look at these boards closely ALMOST all of the stories have a common theme: WS cheats ----> BS devestated ---> BS yells and cries ----> BS finds this board -----> Told by the knowledgeable posters "Marriage is great, your WS is sick, this isn't really him", "please Plan A him, he is hurt,and you need to take a lot of the blame for a lot of his actions". "You didn't fill his LB enough, Don't be upset, make him happy, tell him what a great man and father he is, show him admiration "---> WS feels bad ---> WS comes back to the marriage ---> BS feels great, "I love my husband, he is such a wonderful man, we are recovering" ----> Ugghh, WS not acting "great and lovey dovey anymore --- > BS finds cell phone bills or some other "clue" ----> BS come to board to vent ---> told by the great posters on here that WS may just be in withdrawal and you just have to love them more, show him MORE PLAN A, maybe it is all coincidence. Maybe it was a wrong number on his cell phone AGAIN --> WS cheats yet again and the BS us devestated again--> menawhile the kids die each time their "daddy" leaves the house ---> Meanwhile everyone rallies around the BS to "keep fighting" "love your man, keep your family intact, this is not really your hubby, it is alien behavior ". ugggggh, and the cycle continues untill YEARS LATER, the cycle dies and the marriage is "recovered" and the BS has a nervous breakdown or their is divorce. ALmost ALWAYS there is FALSE RECOVERY. This is a satirical view of this site and may offend people, but it is the honest to goodness truth of what happens on here.

If tolerating these multiple betrayals is what has to happen for the WS to come back, then so be it....it is all in the "recovery plan"......What a complete and utter line of garbage. Well, sorry..I am gonna take that back....Those are my opinions and I don't mean to offend anyone's beliefs. That was wrong, but I won't delete it, it should remain said.

Where do you stand in all of this MB stuff? I have really lost track of what your stance on any of this is.

LM you should start a cult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, Lemonman...do you believe that there are no real "recoveries?"

You seem to be of the opinion that cheaters cheat...and that the best thing that one can do once they discover an affair is to get shut of the cheater for good.

Is that correct?

Lemonman, we posted at the same time, can you go back a page and see my post to you please? Oh, save the marriage at all costs??? Where in the MB material did you read THAT?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> LM you should start a cult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've come to wonder if LM has adult ADD.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> LM you should start a cult. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've come to wonder if LM has adult ADD.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL, maybe so. I guess I go off on tangents with regards to this stuff. I probably should not push the "Add reply" button as I usually feel bad for writing this stuff down. Oh well, to live and learn. I can easily laugh at myself with all of this.

BobPure:

Thanks for the idea, perhaps I will start a new board "against PLan A"..LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lemonman,
I have read every book from Lovebusters, Buyers renters and freeloaders to His Needs her needs for parents (and so many more). They all seem basic enough. I have tried many of their ideas, and they do work.... to a point. If it were not for the harleys and going to their seminars (ones for coouples, I went alone...) and talking with Bill Harley on the phone, and the encourageing e-mails I get from his wife Joyce I would not be where I am today. Here is the tricky part. I am not sure if this where I should be. I will continue to put my all in this marriage, and give H my paitence and understanding. However my lovebank is at a zero balance, not positive, not negitive, just still open for business. I see so much hurt and pain on this board, I know exactly where they are coming from, and to see so many people go through the same thing in the name of marriage. This is a great place, they are great ideas, when they work out. However if BOTH spouses were to follow the Harley's rules, then it would be a great marriage. The problem is typically one of the two is not interested. Road block.

Now it is 3:15, I am still in my PJ's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> however I have scrubed floors, done laundry and dishes, and am about to vacuum, not a total waste of a day!!!

Two little tornadoes are rapidly distroying my efforts however!! They are too cute- yet highly draining.

What I wouldn't give for the A not to have happened. but since we can not change the past, I am trying to improve my future. This is not what I had planned. I am not where I thought I would be at 26. There is so much life I want to live. Yeah I have 3 wonderful sweet boys running around, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, friends, family, a job. However all that is really nothing when I am not happy. I make my own happiness I realize that and I should not put so much stock in what my H thinks of me, but that is hard. I made my own fun this weekend, and had a blast doing it. I wish I could do that more then once a year.

How do you feel about spending christmas with out your STBX? Especially with the final papers being filed less then a week later? Are you going to throw a new years-new life party?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AndrewA:
<strong> So, Lemonman...do you believe that there are no real "recoveries?"

You seem to be of the opinion that cheaters cheat...and that the best thing that one can do once they discover an affair is to get shut of the cheater for good.

Is that correct? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Andrew:

Thanks for the question. I do think there is such thing as "recovery", I really do. I do feel that when cheaters cheat (AS IN MORE THAN ONCE) than there is a true charcater flaw. I think it is possible toi have recovery but it is very very hard, and that "recovery" comes sometimes at a steep steep price. Some people don't think any price is to steep for remaning married, and that is fine. I just don't see how one can continually be lied to, cheated on, and betrayed all in saving a marriage. I think that UNFORTUNATELY, hisroty usually repeats itself in many of these situations that we are all in. These are my opinions. I think few people really ever get back to that "100% trust in their WS". Once again, different strokes for different folks. Good luck and congratulations in your recovery.

Just to make sure I am getting this. I am the one you guys think is taking my interest in Lemonman to far? Yep that is me, i came to a MB site to pick up men. I am the worst wife in the world.
That I am not listening to a word you have to say.
That what?

I am sorry if I am coming off rather B*tchy, but I am offended, and hurt and confused at the moment.

to answer questions directed my way:
I have made the phone calls, I stopped going to group- I would tell you all why, but it seems as a group your mind is made up about me already.

LM- I posted when you did earlier, if you haven't seen it go look.

KMEJ,

Can you tell me a bit more of your story?

How old were you when you got married? When you were a girl, what did you want grow up to be? Have you taken any college courses? You mentioned the other day that you were "at work" when you were reading an email from your friend. Can you say generally what kind of work you do and whether you enjoy it?

Sure.
I have always wanted to be a police officer when I was growing to be an adult. Then along came son #1.
I met my H when I was 15, we were friends, and started dateing when we were 17. Found out we were pregnant the day before senior prom. Moved in with H 1 week after turning 18. Got married at age 20, had second son at age 22 and third son at age 24. H cheated 3 months after last son was born, I have been in a spiral like standstill ever since.

I work m-f for the school district. I help assess kid for Special Education. I work as part of a team. On the weekends I work as a server. I am a people person, and so I enjoy my serving job a lot more, that and I am very good at it, get lots of guest compliments and make good money.

I want to go back to college, but I have to wait until my H gets his next promotion to be able to afford to go back. That and I want a career that I am around people a lot, have not figured out what that is anymore. SInce I can no longer be a police officer.
Does that help?

100% trust in their WS

LM this is one of the enablers for an affair. No spouse should give their spouse 100% trust ever.
We are all programmed to have affairs.We should expect not to trust 100% nor be trusted 100% by our spouses.

I will never trust my Squid 100% again, and thats a very good thing that might JUST keep our marriage going for a long time.

It does help. I think I understand a bit more of the dynamic here. You haven't really had a life of your own yet, it seems.

My wife's story is similar to yours: we met when she was 19. I was 26 and in my first year of graduate school. She was preganant (not by me) when we married.

She stayed home for the first year with our son. Then she went to work full-time. When our twins were born, she worked full-time from home. With three kids, I'm amazed at how she ever got anything done.

I know that she always felt trapped in her "mom" role, and I always encouraged her to go back to college. She just started this fall..(at age 28) and she says it is the most eye-opening experience she has ever had.

I'm proud of her...and I wish she had done it earlier.

It seems to me that - other than keeping yourself and your chidlren safe - you may want to think about going back to school sooner rather than later. (There is lots of financial aid available.) It will do wonders for your self-esteem...and it will break the rut that you are stuck in.

Why spend so much time waiting for your husband to change? Move forward with yoru own life. If you grow past him - and you probably will - HE'LL be the one pursuing YOU as he plays catch up.

By the way...why give up on the dream of being a police officer, if that's what you really want? Lots of married women with kids are cops.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

I have a rare airway/lung/breathing problem that is uncureable. I was told because of that I probably would not be accepted into the program.

SO I am open to any other ideas.

<small>[ November 08, 2004, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>