Thanks for all of your prayers, thoughts, and posts. For what it is worth, I am truly sorry. I've meant all of what I've said, even though it has been tainted in the fact I was not fully in recovery myself.
To clarify, (if it
really needs to be clarified--contact is contact): no, it has not been a continuous contact. It was through text messaging (and a few calls) and has "only" been the last month. The "conversations" were generally of work related issues (she has alot of information even
I am not privvy too) and did include personal issues, at times, even if it were just, "How are you doing?"
Like I said, regardless, it was still contact. And I again was getting sucked back into the anals (sp?, intentional) of the EA and OW.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> It is interesting Liny..that this epiphany came on the heels of exposure.
What do you think about that?
Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know, noodle. Brown asked me the same question. She, too, shoots from the hip--no bullsh1t to cut through. I can say it was "dwindling" down again, for I had no use for the OW. Sounds harsh, but...But I don't know if I would have completely stopped. You're right. Once again, I thought very incorrectly that it would just die out by itself, that I was strong enough to know the difference. But, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
The pain I've seen in the past two days...the pain I've seen FM and Bob and Juke and GC and a multitude of others describe--comparable to when brown had her nervous breakdown. But, I CAUSED IT. Brown and I have spoken at great lengths these past few days. She has said
this has been a million times worse than D-day. And it took me to see--not to just trust brown (and everyone here)--to change my mindset.
Brown reinterned my original thread. An eye-opener. And even then, I thought I could remain friends. And the arrogance in my tone. And the ignorance.
{gulp}
No, especially seasoned with reality, pride doesn't taste too good.
So, where do I go from here? I don't say "we" 'cause I'm really still not sure that brown is willing to trust again. (It's not
just about the EA--don't forget, I am also struggling to recover from gambling.) Both escape mechanisisms; but one is "like" an addiction; the other is (and quite possibly a genetic defect/disease) but I refuse to allow both shape who I am. The acceptance and recovery and trust from brown is really it's own issue. Yeah, certainly intertwined--big time.
I have so much to say....so much more to do.
No, believer, you know me better than that! (And I know you--you were just trying to get me to bite. {chomp}) Since I started taking my gambling seriously, I am taking steps not to run from my problems. Or, better yet, to face conflict. But what a big marathon I ran off course.
Pep...Thank you. For two things in particular: your original interest in me and helping me with my first thread. And two: for saying what you did on this thread. Not letting me take the easy way out, which I've found so many times in my life. I am sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I don't hope--I will make you see--one day--I am worthy of your respect again. For now, though, I need to put that energy and effort into brown and my M.
Brown has always said, "Why can't you use your stubbornness to work on your good qualities and stop the bad ones?" I'm also a procrastinator. But, using my own words, there's no changing the past--learn from it, sure...you can't predict the future, but now is NOW. My choices haven't been the best. (Duh.) No more rationalizing. Reality is reality. Sure, different perspectives, but, the only one's that matters now is brown's.
I hope that I will still be able to get advice and support from all of you. I honestly was expecting more 2x4's, and not of the nerf-variety.
Oh, OG, it's OK...please tell me what's on your mind.
Here goes....
Hi all. First post in recovery. I'm not sure of where to go from here. I've hurt my W and M (even my kids--let's not hide the fact that kids are sponges--they absorb everything.) I'm willing to do what it takes to win my W's trust back and have a great M we know we can attain. I've read about "Radical Honesty" and it's something I know I've lacked. Something I need and will do and have done this short time in recovery. But, does anyone have any other suggestions to gain a BS's trust back? Thanks for listening.
