This is my response to my H:

Well, I feel somewhat manipulated because before we got married you were more than willing to compromise them to some extent... it seems you told me things in order to get me to marry you as quick as possible. You said they were not a big part of your life anymore because you had moved on. You definately did not say they were "blood" family, and in fact said the opposite. And you said your only real family was your brother. I did not know they would be a MAJOR part of our life like this - you even said you would say "goodbye" to them if I wanted, and I said no, but that you needed to let go of Mellisa. You have been so inconsistent throughout our marriage and it makes me feel so insecure. This is unfair to me.

I understand how important your family is to you, however, recall the NUMEROUS comparisons I have gotten from you about Mellisa - it is like she is the love of your life, not your sister... I've been compared to her clothes, her lips, her breasts, her long hair, her brains, her ability to get a job better than me, and the number of times you had sex with her (5-6 times a a day)... Meanwhile you have sent "miss you" emails to her and told her you were still crazy for her. This is NOT sister interaction. Can't you understand why I might feel awkward about being at her house? It would be much easier for me if the email never existed and I didn't feel so compared. You know I've been trying to get to know Sister A and Sister B - I wouldn't have invited them over to our house otherwise.

This is all very complicated for me. I don't know what to do. I feel terrible that I make you so unhappy. I don't think any of our families should interfer with us. I think it is fair to ask you to focus on OUR marriage, to listen me, and to consider my needs and feelings as well as your own. Don't forget we just went through a difficult situation and I need constant reassuring from you.

How about this for a solution? Spend the holiday season this year with my family (i.e. thanksgiving and/or christmas). This will give me and us time to get ready for next year, which the holidays will be devoted to spending with your family (I can be ready by then to spend Thanksgiving and/or Christmas with any family you want). Then the year after that my family again, then your family the year after... This way we will know what we are doing every year and make our plans accordingly.

If you are enthusiastic, we can go to my Dad's house, if not, we can have our own special first Christmas together. But I would like to see him and my Grandfather... because he is very old and might die soon... I haven't seen him for 5 years. I can go by myself or maybe we can go some other weekend or something.

LJ77,

I really like your email to your husband. I can relate though with your husband in a way. I was married before, but before I was married to my ex we were friends, I met him when I was 11 yrs old and started dating him at 16, we have 2 children and were together 10 yrs. He left me for another woman. It was very painful and hard especially to let go of his family. They were my family for 10 yrs.

I am currently remarried and there are times I do get invited to my ex's family for a birthday or something like that, I bring my husband with me, he's become friends with my ex's brother (my ex and his brother don't care for each other much). I still talk to my ex mother in law and invite her over to my house for different occasions but that's mainly because of the girls.

I don't blame you for the feelings you have. I see a few red flags myself from the email your hubby sent to his ex. I know in my case, my ex and I were still good friends after the divorce and he still flirted with me. I had to break the "friendship" the way it was because it wasn't healthy or fair to my now husband.

Since your husband did marry you and this is your first holiday's together as husband and wife I would hope he would try consider your feelings.

I hope you and your husband are able to compromise on something that is comfortable for you both.

LJ,

It's good that you were honest. Hopefully, your husband wil realize that he needs to compromise on this..and take you up on a great offer.

Over the long-term, he's going to have to give up this woman COMPLETELY. Also, you shouldn't have to stand for comparisons like that. You're YOU. He married YOU.

It's time for the past to become the past.

Thank you for all your comments, especially Andrew. My H is now "thinking" things over. His response: "I don't want to talk about this for the next few days... I just want a hug when I get home..if thats OK."

I then suggest we spend a few days apart to think and he said: "I don't want to stop speaking and be away from each other. I do not think that would be helpful. I do not want you to be away from me for a few days. I jus do not want to rush and say sumn premature before I have had a chance to thoroughly think things through......... thats what I mean that I need some time . I luv you and I want to do what I can to make things workable."


LJ

LJ,
I'm glad things seem to be going in a better direction for you two!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LJ,

It does seem that there is some willingness to compromise here. That's good! Find ways to make this Christmas together as enticing as possible. Make it irresistable.

Over the longer term, I think you are going to have to deal firmly with this ex-girlfriend issue. It's one thing to love her family, It's another thing enitrely to trade emails with her.

Your husband is going to have to walk a very fine line if he wants to keep that relationship, IMO.

Thanks for all the comments. This is a great way to work through issues by getting other's insight. It takes work to be married and stay married and we need all the help we can get.

LJ,

Like most good things, Marriage IS a lot of work.

You are lucky, though...you are at a point in your relationship where you can establish patterns that will keep your marriage healthy - and both of you fulfilled - for many, many, many years.

Don't neglect that important work. Now is the time to do it.

Update - x-girlfriend's Mom is going to come to our house to visit for a couple of days while she is in the US during the holidays. I am totally fine with this arrangment.