Well anyone who knows me knows that I ADORE my Squid.They also know that she cherishes the love letters from OM and still thinks he's a lovely man etc etc and this is a real inhibitor in my fogiving her and moving forward.

So I did a very passive thing today.

I tore up my only photocopies of those letters and gave them to Squid. I also gave her the kids passports for keeping in their normal place (she had looked to take the kids abroad with OM during her A).

I said "I choose not to hold these over you ever again. And I choose to trust you to put our kids best intersts over yours and OMs once again. Thank you for your efforts in recovery so far".

She didn't know where to look. Then said Thanks.

I then said:
" Youk now it hurts me that you keep the originals. Please destroy them WITH me like I have with these".

She said " I have to do that in my own time".
Was I stupid in giving away my proof of the A in case I need it to expose OM again in future?

Or was I right to make a risky loving gesture at this time?

Well it doesn't matter cos I've done it now. I feel a bit crap rigt now, as I have laid down a gun while the battle has not yet been won.

The way I look at it if she throws this in my face we have no recovery anyway. If she DOESN'T she'll recognise it as the loving gesture it was.

Just an update really, not sure why I posted that up !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I tore up my only photocopies of those letters and gave them to Squid. I also gave her the kids passports for keeping in their normal place (she had looked to take the kids abroad with OM during her A).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very brave Bob... Your W will look back on this one day and realize how lucky she is...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Brave or dumb, RIF. Not sure which right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

We'll see ! Committing to love against instinct has worked pretty well for me so far in this mess. Here goes again - trying to be a Knight not a serf ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob, only you really knows how everything has been going. Only you knows how your wife has been responding and how the "little things" all add up. Only you knows if "now" was the right time, but I assume your wife knew you had copies, so your action tells her much more in "deed" than in "words" that you love her and are beginning to trust her again.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained" would seem to be appropriate. You've put the existence of those letters in your marriage in your wife's hands again...and she will get rid of them as she continues to cut the emotional cords associated with the affair. But be patient, it may take her a lot of time yet to reach that point.

God bless.

Maybe the best way to make love deposits in her love bank would just be to NEVER mention those letters again.

You realize she COULD make copies herself, hide them, and then destroy the origninals for YOUR BENEFIT.

I think she sees this as you trying to control her. I have read other FWW thoughts on this and it takes a long time to get to the point to WANT to destroy pictures and letters.

IMO, Just leave her be on this one.
Pick your battles. This is actually a small one.
The CONTENT of the letters are probably in BOTH of your minds anyway, so the actual letters are rather insignificant.

Julie

Well, maybe copies of OM love letters and recordings are different so I think that you probably did the right thing. Most things, including watches the OW gave H, were either destroyed or returned to OW. OW had bought him a wardrobe full of shirts, most fo which were donated to the poor.

My H had no problem destroying mushy cards pledging OW's undying love.

I, on the other hand have not destroyed H's cell phone records from the two A's, I have kept letters H wrote to me and my journal during my particular hell.

Bob,

You did a very brave thing, and I think you will reap rewards from it down the road.

My situation is nowhere near as bad as yours, but...I felt like I turned a corner when I threw out my printed copies of the emails my wife had sent to the OM.

I had carried them around with me for weeks. I wasn't really sure why. I had a vague notion of showing them to the OM's wife - who knew about the affair, but did not know many of the details and had been told a VERY different story by her husband about what actually happened.

Like you, I took the leap of faith. I felt like I was letting go of a lot of anger. Of course, I also let go of the only written evidence that an affair ever happened. (The OM when he found out that I knew, went into the email account and immediately deleted everything. To my wife's credit, while she had a chance to delete things, she didn't.)

I know there is a lot of uncertainty right now. I think you need to view this as something that you did right now for YOU - like the decision you made about the rings.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks folks. I am still not sure whether it was a SENSIBLE thing I did, but it was a LOVING thing I did.

* For those who do not know - these photocopies were the 'proof' I faxed to OMs partner that catalysed a lot of heartache everywhere and debate on here as OM GF asked for the proof very close to the funeral of OMs estranged son. Sorry, what a soap opera <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> *

I want to forgive her and I couldn't do that with the 'loaded gun' of the affair proof still hidden.

Also since I implemented the Radical honesty policy with Squid its been eating on me for a while that I kept this 'proof' that was/possibly still IS so hurtful to her. I decided to let HER throw them out in the spirit of POJA.

The originals ar every hurtful to me as they represent the fact that she values her memory of the affair and OM more than she wants to NOT hurt me.

Again, not sure if it was right or wrong, but I think I needed to do it else I would burn up with bitterness. Its not just Squid who must act selflessly to recover from the affair, but also me.

Bob, you're a romantic fool. If those letters are a real hindrance to your recovery, they have got to go. Be firm about it. You are doing everything to make her feel loved and safe and she should return the favour. How bad would it be if you just removed them yourself - what's the worst that could happen?

Bob,

My wife and I talked about this a bit last night. I asked her about something I'd read here, about whether it is all right to cherish certain memories of the affair. There are some here who argue that you have to accept that those memories are part of you, and that it's all right to remember good times with the OP.

This started because my wife said that she was "done thinking about the affair" and that she thinks only about us now. She said that I have her mind as well as her heart and soul.

I said that while I appreciate that sentiment, I recognize that there were probably some parts of the relationship that she enjoyed and that she would remember fondly.

She disagreed, though: her take is that thinking about the affair gives it life and weight.

I think she's right. I hope your wife can see this, and turn her thoughts to you and the love that you have for her. I also agree that the love letters are a symbol that needs to be dealt with before you two can really move on.

I would agree with Tummytuck...except that your W may perseive doing that as disrespectful and controlling.

It would be unacceptable to me for my H to have kept love letters, gift or cards, once the A was over and he agreed to end the A and have NC.

Now, your situation is a bit different because the OM pretty much ended the A. Has your wife agreed to work on the M for only a limited time...is she unsure that she wants to rebuild your marriage?

She has no right to those sentimental things, and it is very disrespectful to you. She needs to [censored] or get off the pot.

You are treating her with kid gloves and maybe that is what you feel you need to do so that she will fall back in love with you. She will be very sorry if she loses you over her lack of clear commitment to working on the M with you.

Can you get the MB program and get her to agree to go through it with you? There are tapes to listen to, questionnaires, assignments, reading to do together. It includes the Love Busters book and the HNHN's book, as well as Fall in Love, Stay in Love. Maybe it is time to be a bit more pro-active.

BOBP---Your wife will get rid of those letters on her own very soon!! I am sure she will. She just wants to do it on her own, without being pressure. Does not mean anything. She is not reading and re-reading the letters and thinking about OM. She does not like people to tell her what to do, its pretty annoying to be told what to do or not to do.
I am sure she appreciates what you did, and that will make her think that she should get rid of the originals. Let her do it when she is ready.
Dont get angry because she is taking a bit longer that you would want.
As I said before, you sound and behave so loving to her , I am sure she adores you!! She wants to stay married to you, the OM is in the past. Keep on showing her your love and she will get rid of them very soon!!
MYRTA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Bob,

I'll be brief. There comes a day when it is not only in Squidy's best interest to get rid of those "sentimentals" but it is in YOUR best interest to let them go too. You can not control if Squidy will ever get rid of her A letters, etc. but you CAN control what you choose to have in your life and in your heart.

Part of YOUR recovery is not going to be "Squidy fixing things for you" or "Squidy making you feel loved" because that isn't how it happens. YOU recover when you live your life knowing that you are in this alone as an individual who is purposely CHOOSING to share himself and his life with his wife.

Remember your post about "We are in this Alone"?? Yeah, it's a little sad when you realize that you are no longer in an entangled, unhealthy co-dependency (after all, in a way it's kind of comfortable to be so enmeshed with someone else that your own issues are their fault! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ). BUT... real recovery comes when you start living like you ARE in this alone and you ARE responsible for yourself. Your Squidy can not make you feel loved, secure, or recovered--you can do that. And you can recover even if Squidy chooses not to!

This was a bold, brave move, and I'm proud of ya Bob...mainly because it was YOUR first step in recovering and letting your own hurt go whether Squidy chooses to or not.

Bravo!


CJ

Good post CJ, and food for thought. I did have that time during early recovery when I clearly saw that we are all actually alone in this journey and the choices we have to accept the person we are with as they are also alone. You said it very well.

We are at a place now that I feel less alone, but still understand the reality. Like Pep said yesterday about the Passionate Marriage re: differentiation.

Seej as you saw thats why I did it. That 'proof' was a gun my my belt reminding me I was at war.

F'kit I'm not at war with anyone other than my own self esteem.

I am proud I gave these things up. Its brave to drop weapons. But recovery's about me first and Squid can come along if she chooses.

I won't shackle or force her to do anything. Thats why I won't chuck her mementoes.

They've lost their power over me now I've given up my copies ,in some way. Thats good.

Originally posted by Myrta:
BOBP---Your wife will get rid of those letters on her own very soon!! I am sure she will. She just wants to do it on her own, without being pressure.

Myrta... I have a question...

Is asking someone to do something considered "pressure" in your world?

Is saying "These letters really hurt me. Please destroy them with me."... Is this request considered "pressure"? If it is, are ~all~ requests pressure?

To me this would have been pressure... "If you do not destroy these letters I know you don't care about our marriage."

Does not mean anything. She is not reading and re-reading the letters and thinking about OM. She does not like people to tell her what to do, its pretty annoying to be told what to do or not to do.

Again... how do yo know if Bob's wife is reading the letters or not? She might be!

Bob did not TELL his W what to do. Bob requested she do something with him to help the marriage.

"Pressure" is when the spouse asks for something to have his needs met??? Really?

Pep

Good choice Bob

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

PEPPERBAND-or should I say General4starPEPPERBAND-
In "my world" like you say, if someone asks me to do something that I am not ready to do, that is pressure!
Bob Pure seems to be doing okay with letters or no letters. I dont think his heart is in constant pain,because of the existence of them.
If some letters are going to put a marriage in jeopardy, its a very "fragile" marriage , not only by the affair but by other things as well.
I know, everyone here should always agree with you, but I DONT!!!
I think in your "world" its your way or no way!
Well Mrs.Pepper, people have different oppinions and ways to do things!


MYRTA

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper-LOL, gosh you are hilarious!!
You should change your name to FunnyPepper.
No, precious, you did not pressure me, I wanted to give you my answer!

Now , go on in your way,keep ordering posters here what to do!!
Ciao!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />