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PEPPERBAND- There is nothing wrong with POJA. POJA does not frighten me PEPPERBAND. I dont have to read in a book that husband and wife should try to make each other happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Kudos for that! You know what frightens me PEPPERBAND??? YOU!! MYRTA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
It does not matter what you say MrsPep, Bob's wife will get rid of those letters when she is good and ready to do so, not when you say so, according to your POJA,and PLANS A and B.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta... Bob's wife will get rid of what she wants when she wants, I agree. That does not make her decision positive for the marriage recovery. It does the opposite, because it is a lovebuster.
Are you saying it is an unreasonable request Bob is making about the letters? I don't understand what you mean.
I am saying what she is doing is deliberately hurting Bob. He told her it was a painful reminder for him. She does not care. The letters are more important to her than her Husband's feelings.
One of Harley's marital concepts is the concept of lovebusters. Lovebusters are things that erode the love in the marriage...
selfish demands
disrespectful judgments
angry outbursts
annoying habits
independent behaviors
dishonesty
This is a lovebuster on Bob's wife's part. And it puts the recovery in jeopardy.
Of course no one needs to do things on my timeline. I am trying to point out Harley's concepts to you. I don't know if you have fully read the concepts area of this site. Have you?
Do you believe that Harley's concepts are worthless?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta: <strong> PEPPERBAND- There is nothing wrong with POJA. POJA does not frighten me PEPPERBAND. I dont have to read in a book that husband and wife should try to make each other happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Kudos for that! You know what frightens me PEPPERBAND??? YOU!! MYRTA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you being so rude Myrta? Pep
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Congratulations One small step for Bob one Giant step for the Pures <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Cooked you a NICE dinner in deed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Looks like your fan club is growing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Keep stepping Mrs Pure looks like she's getting ready to pounce on ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Way to go Bob, Keep the Home Fires Burning... Ktulu's off to throw some more turf on our own fire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Bob,
Old saying, from somewhere - to forgive and forget is to discard useful information.
T
Oh, right. It's from my MIL..
<small>[ November 09, 2004, 07:57 PM: Message edited by: Thos ]</small>
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Thos:
True, but:
I have this and other forums I've been on since D-day 2 remind me of the timings of things along the road 2 recovery. They're MINE, and for my benefit.
Useful information if I were 2 decide 2 sue OM for alienation of affection, which is allowed where he lives (and I know a lawyer in his home town!). And I've wanted 2 at least threaten that from time 2 time. But frankly? If my W believes even now that they ought 2 be 2gether, I'd be happy (well, not ac2ally HAPPY) 2 pay for the gas for her 2 go there and figure it out for herself...
...but she never did that because she knew all along that she didn't really want the cake, frosting, candles, and paper plate - the whole 27 feet.
-ol' 2long
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******edited******
Bob, I stand behind my message I wrote you on page one...justlet it go. She will get rid of the letters in her own time. You said you didn't want to force her to get rid of them.
Whether these letters are shredded or still in her drawer, one thing you will NEVER be able to do is get inside her brain and make her thoughts exactly what you want them to be.
So really, the letters are insignificant, what really matters is what is in her brain, true?
Sincerely, Julie.
Hang in there Myrta, you are not that off base.
I like the idea of 'Don't sweat the small stuff!"
<small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long: - the whole 27 feet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> at least you didn't say "the hole 27 feet" Pep (9 yards, I get it)
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Pep:
Or: The whole 8.2296 meters! (gotta be mindful of those rounding errors! "Hit the planet, win a prize!")
-ol' 2long
P.S. It ain't "bossy" asking the WS 2 $h!+can mementos from the OP. I've done it, and will again one day, if my W doesn't decide 2 trash them on her own.
<small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>
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BlessedTime... would you care to discuss Harley's methods?
Pep
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OK, Does anyone here know where the term "the whole nine yards" comes from? I did not think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is the length of machine gun ammunition found in a fighter during WWII. As you may recall from your last viewing of a John Wayne <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WWII movie, the ammunition is loaded into belts which were nine yards long. So when 2L is going for the full 27 feet, he is going to unload the whole thing on someone. Don't let it be you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> BP, while I agree she MAY throw the letters out in her own time, actually she will or won't do it to be factual. I do think if they are a trigger for you, then some sort of accomdation about them needs to ba arrived at. Is it worth asking her to lock them away somewhere where you, your children and even her will not come across them unless it is intentional?? Frankly, this is where I get a little "hard core", it really is the WS's duty to remove triggers from the house IF the WS has any concern for the welfare of the BS. And the WS should NOT have to be told this, or as Myrta likes to phrase it "pressured". This is simply politeness, human compassion, whatever one wants to call it, but it is something the WS should do especially if the BS has expressed displeasure with them being in their house. God Bless, JL
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning: Does anyone here know where the term "the whole nine yards" comes from? I did not think so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is the length of machine gun ammunition found in a fighter during WWII. As you may recall from your last viewing of a John Wayne <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WWII movie, the ammunition is loaded into belts which were nine yards long. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you been on Jeopardy? Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
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Sounds good JL.
Request not tell her...and hope she will WANT to either lock up or destroy these letters.
I know my H did not like me trying to control him (especially his thoughts) as he was going through withdrawal from the OW; it took a long time and yes, Pep, I have read and read all Harley has to say about affairs and the why and how to live through them and come out with a better marriage.
He gives wonderful advice.
Where I feel uncomfortable is when you get argumentative and rude with posters such as Myrta if they don't quite agree with you. MelodyLane also does this, that is why I wondered if you might even be the same person.
Julie
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No, but I have slept at a Holiday Inn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> There are a lot of neat saying that have unusual origins. The phrase going "balls to the wall" has sort of a...shall we say "graphic" ring to it doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It comes from multiengine aircraft. The throttles (sp) had balls on the end of them so the hand would not slip off and pushing the "balls" full forward was MAX power. Hence the term for going all out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Love that stuff. Oh I do pretty well on Jeapordy when sitting at home, unless we are doing literature of the modern sort. But, I would imagine in front of a camera, I would do a pretty good immitation of a statue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> JL
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Wow, timezones & posts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Watch out over head for those low flying Policies of Joint Agreement it's a simple statement that carries a lot of weight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Makes great sense though "Building a way of life that both spouses each enjoy & appreciate, that is comfortable for both spouses to be happy without feeling individually they are sacrifising, suffering or hurting themselves." Gimme some of that please, woops it that my taker coming out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> "Enthusiastic agreement is the goal, as opposed to 'reluctant'agreement." Now how the hell I'm I gonna get my own DH to do what I want <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that's implement POJA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> to it's fullest extent though. Can be very hard/difficult to take on board, this particular ticket doesn't charge for excess baggage - cause it just won't fly with it. "Avoid compromises that do not meet with your mutually enthusiastic agreement. " What wasn't burnt/binned/deleted in our home intially eventually was... things weren't as important as I thought them to be....the eventually was they became annoying reminders of an absolutely stupid mistake, that upset me which upset DH. Fastening seatbelt, now where's the individual oxygen mask oh yeah in panel above, exits are marked, turbulence can be fun sometimes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Thanks you guys. Capt Bob is command he's doing his pre flight checks gettin ready for take off.... <small>[ November 09, 2004, 08:43 PM: Message edited by: Ktulu ]</small>
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PEPPERBAND-- Am I being rude? Hmm...Ok I guess if you say so, it must be correct. If I was rude to you, accept my apology <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Myrta
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Ktulu, You stated and asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Enthusiastic agreement is the goal, as opposed to 'reluctant'agreement." Now how the hell I'm I gonna get my own DH to do what I want [Big Grin] that's implement POJA [Big Grin] to it's fullest extent though. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do it by pointing out that POJA is the best way to get want HE wants and have YOU smiling about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> God Bless, JL
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JL
Like that point - Thanks
Must strive to think from his point of view too
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Had a good discussion with Squid tonight. She says she can't imagine a time when she will ever NOT feel guilty. I asked what for, the affair, hurting me or something else. She replied "both".
I then said "Not to labour a point you could stop hurting me a little EVERY DAY by binning those letters and stuff. It DOES hurt".
Nothing but wet eyes and a squeeze of my arm.
Shes making great strides in recovery even THIS WEEK and the disposal of the letters is the next big test.
They sting me, but the power they had over my happiness was hugely reduced yesterday with my destruction of the copies.
What I have to do now is decide if Squid can't dispose of them in some reasonable timeframe what will be my response?
If she NEVER disposes of them can I continue to work on the recovery of our M? Is her need to retain reminders of the A such an LB that I will eventually abandon efforts at rescuing our M ?
OPtion2 sounds silly in view of how well R is going generally but I won't ever be happy together if she always recalls the A and OM as a love story that wasn't to be.And once more, as proven on this board, TIME along with consistend support for recovery from the BS is what works here.
Almost all truly FORMER WS come to consider teh A a bad and regretable thing and also change their view of OP.
My shouting and cajoling won't speed that up - it may even cause her to yearn for OMs gentle lying.
So, small considered steps. The Letters are my final "shibboleth" that Squid REALLY IS conributing to recovering our M even uto her own discomfort.
Right now - she's doing GREAT for a FWS eight weeks into NC but them letters sting m, and she knows it. I pray she chucks them soon. I reckon I'll be able to genuinely forgive her for the A when she chucks 'em.
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Bob (and everyone else) you all know (I think) that H and I had a ritual burning of old photos from 30 years ago of OM and I when we were at HS. And I didn't exactly put up a fight but it was obvious I wasn't happy about doing it initially but when I saw how much it meant to my H, I did it.
I did it as an act of good faith and H was actually quite upset to see photos of me going up in smoke but sort of pushed the embers around a bit when they were photos of OM on his own.
But I have to agree with Blessed TIME, you can't change the thoughts in her head. They really are on "her" time.
Jen
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