* ahem * not a problem with us * ahem. I think I was blessed with having an OM who is rubbish in the sack. I mean we had no idea, we were each others only partners until this affair and grass certainly wasn't greener there. Like I said compared to many or even MOST on here I am blessed. Maybe God only gave me what I could cope with ?

Dunno how you service boys manage I really don't. Affection, SF , intimacy...I just went without that for a few months before and after the A and it was really difficult.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you wonder what might have happened had the OM not told her to ****-off? I'd hate to think my WH came back to me because the OP no longer wanted them. Kind of second best. Yuk. She really needs to keep up her good work because I think you love her deeply. I can't find those feelings for my man. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TT - While I understand the emotional feeling of being "second best," I tend to disagree with that feeling as being real. When a WS chooses to remain in the marriage and to begin to work to recover that "which was lost," they put YOU as their first choice, "first best." No, things are not "perfect," but a person's "position" in someone's life is a choice they make regardless of all the "individual parts."

Successful recoveries will always talk about the affair as being a "mistake," a "poor choice," a "forgetting of what was real and important." In time, the BS realizes that they ARE #1 in their spouse's life, both by mental choice and by emotional bond. The "second best" thing is more of a "trigger" due to hypersensitivity and not due to reality.

"I'd hate to think my WH came back to me because the OP no longer wanted them."

Uh huh. I understand the emotional reaction that you are stating here, but it misses, IMHO, the point entirely. The POINT of ending the affair and getting the WS to agree to attempt recovery is to END the affair. At that point in time, the "reason" the affair ended is NOT important. Only the FACT that the affair crumbled and ended is important. As long as the affair is ongoing there can be NO recovery.

So the "broken pieces" are picked up, everyone is hurting, but despite it all, they are WILLING to TRY. With honest effort comes the results and the reestablishment of both spouses as the "most important person, #1, in each other's life."

God bless.

Bob Pure - Yep, it's another hurt and another trigger. All part of the process.

A reminder: With God, ALL things are possible and happen according to God's timetable.

Yes, there can be "problems" along the way, hurts that linger until we are healed. But hope and faith remain because of WHO is actually in control.

So if you are getting down about her letters let me make you and offer:

I'll trade you a while; your wife's letters for my wife's ongoing contact with her OM.

Some parts of recovery do suck. But you have the right attitude. You control YOURSELF, you control only what YOU can control, and you LOVE despite the seemingly, at times agonizingly, slow progress.

When I see where you two are today compared to where you both were just a very short time ago.....you are both doing great for where you are in the process.

God bless.

FH I need to re-read some of my posts. I am not eaten up by these letters and I say to anyone who will listen that almost everyone on here ( you included, sadly) has a harder Gig than I do.

I never intend self-pity in my posts, only offering a sitch for consideration by you wise folsk OR maybe to inspire others. I mean who would have thought that my post would inspire ICE to dispose of the final OM memorabilia? GREAT !

I wll make sure I am not interpretable as self-pitying in future FH.

After what I have been through almost nothing could make me pity myself again except that our R has already recovered to such a state that I am starting to involuntarily get 'comfortable' with it. I must guard again this , because the next certain 'coaster downhill will hit me harder.

BTW you hit the nail on the head about the "second best" discussion. It doesn't matter at all WHY our WS end their affairs as long as they do. They are not capable of rational consideration at that time usually anyway.

My own Squid get smore regretful every day, mor ethankful and appreciative of me by the week and since I destroyed these letters she has been noticeably loving too.

If she binned that junk I feel sure I could release my forgiveness for her. I know that sounds like an artificial 'shibboleth' but it is an important gesture of her choosing to put teh A behind her to me.

Thanks FH. I'm praying for your sitiation with my clumsy but earnest prayers.

An update.

Since I made this gesture for ME and dumped these letter copies a couple of things have happened.

I have been happier. Just plain happier, like I was 'in trouble' but now am not 'in trouble'. Can't explain better than that. A release.

Next Squid has been increasingly more loving AND open by the day. Lots of "ILY I always have", spontaneous handholding and LOVELY kissing before sleep in bed last night.

Also lots of appreciation of me. Shes also started opening up and mentioning the A without sulking for hours afterwards. We POJAed a competition that she'd been asked to referee last night. She said she'd LOVE to do it. I said I couldn't stop her but it would really hurt me, and I do not know if that will ever change.
We discussed further and she said " I won't do this one, and I'm happy about that, but can we discuss the next one in February and see how we feel then ?" * my jaw dropping !!!!!*

Thats the least selfish Karate decision shes made in ten years. Amazing.

Shopping this morning shes seeking out my hand to hold all the time, and looking into my eyes...

Theres more that seems small beer to you folks but believe me its a massive change in less tan a week.I can't attribute it to my ditching the letters but the timing seems to indicate that.

Squid really seems to appreciate my doing that, and also is starting to belive me whan I say I CHOOSE to love her, not out of duty.

A lot of change fast.
You lifers who remember my first coupla months will be as hapily amazed as I am by Squids progress.

So my 'small brave act' that could have gone either way seems to be positive for my OWN development and also for Squids personal recovery.

I know, the next rollercoaster 'down' is ahead ( I thought this tournament would be but we fixed it in LOVE nor WAR ) but for now, life isn't bad. Pretty reat in fact really, if not for the sadness of the betryal that still lurks BUT it seems to be an impeller to LOVE not a reminder of pain. Does that make any sense?

And I love her to bits, and y'know..I think shes starting to love me back HARD too ! Unmistakeable in her eyes, her actions, and her words.

Those tea lights in the bathroom were a great investment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

* edited for my TERRIBLE fast typing !! *

<small>[ November 14, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

So glad to hear of the continuing positive progress in your recovery.

Noticed you hadn't been here much in the last few days.

Happy for you and your Squid, BP.