My mom called me this morning, going on about how my oldest son does not want to feed his brothers breakfast. My mom gets him all worked up. Told him to go wake his dad and have him make breakfast. DS said no, my mom told him it was okay to go ask. So DS goes in and wakes up his dad and asks if he will make breakfast, and H says "no- go make it yourself". My mother then insists on talking to H (not a good plan as they hate eachother and even I know how that conversation would go). Well H does not want to talk to her and he hangs up on her. DS then gets in trouble for calling his nana, and is informed he is no longer aloud to use the phone. Any way I was not present for it- that is a combination of what H, DS and my mother said- all stories similar- only the tone changed between the parties tell it.
I get a phone call from my mother who is near tears (typical) all upset because my 3DS are being neglected (her words- not mine) going on and on about this conversation. Telling me that while she had them for the weekend she pulled both DS7 and DS4 a side at different times and asked how things were at home, and she informs me that they said that Daddy never gets up, and leaves us alone, and I always have to make breakfast (DS7). or that Daddy throws me so I go hide under my bed (DS4). My mother over exagerates all the time, especially when it comes to my H. She says I am letting them be neglected and that I need to do something. First off my H has never thrown a child, especially not the one that my mother claims he did, that is his favorate and that child has never done anything wrong in his eyes.

I then called home to have my DS7 in hystrics, so I go home. Get there DS7 locked himself in his room crying, DS4 locked himself in the bathroom, and H is sitting in our room cleaning it with DS1. I ask what happened and he said "your mom". I get all the boys together and asked what happened. DS7 is all upset because he can't use the phone and he does not want to make his brothers breakfast, told him that I would make breakfast- no problem. Took him to school and told him we would discuss the phone thing later.
DS 4 was happy because his daddy was taking him to story time at the library and then he got to go to school- no problems there. DS1 was happy- he was eating. H on the other hand is fumming, we talk, no yelling, just discuss. Not knowing what to do.

Well my mother is all "concerned" which if my children did tell her that, I can see her point somewhat. However I have been home with these kids. I talk with them every night. I know my H should get up in the morning, and the fact that he thinks they are fine at 4 & 1 up alone concerns me. He is "up" but not fully awake, as he puts it. If my children had these problems, why would they not talk to me about it? My H is now furious with my mother more then ever before. We talked somewhat, told him I understood his concerns, but now we need to come up with a game plan. If it means I quit my day job so he can go back to days, and I go full time nights, then I would do it. We just need a solution. We can not afford daycare. Does anyone have a suggestion for me?

<small>[ November 11, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

KMEJ,

Re-read your post very carefully and ask yourself if this sounds like a safe, sane, functional family environment for your kids. It isn't. I know you are struggling right now. But...this can't go on. You know that, I know.

Why wouldn't your children talk to you if there was a problem? Perhaps because they are afraid of their father? Perhaps because they love him and don't want to get him in trouble? Why don't kids who are sexually abused by a parent or a relative tell their mom or dad? For a variety of reasons, they often don't. That doesn't mean that NOTHING HAPPENED.

Of course, there is likely so much bad blood becuase your M and your H that it's difficult to sort out WHAT happened. But something is obviously bothering these kids.

My advice is to have the 7-YO talk to the counselor at his school. He or she will be able to provide you with an objective opinion on whether something IS wrong. The counselor will also be able to provide you with some ideas on ways to support your children and to reduce the amount of stress in your home.

That is a good plan. I will contact his school. However I still do not know what to do about the mornings. I also do not know what to believe. I am so frustrated with this. My mom blows everything out of proportion, always the drama queen, there for looking for the negative in everything. my H does not want to change his ways, and does not see anything wrong with what he is doing. I am stuck in the middle, as well as my kids.

There's wisdom in the old saying that "there's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow lines and dead armadillos."

You need to find a way to get OUT of the middle. I know it's hard, but...for your sake and the sake of your kids you have to try to end this madness.

How do you do that?

I think that scheduling an appointment with the school counselor is a good first step. Perhaps if your husband hears it from someone other than you, he will come around a bit.

I have a seven-year-old, and while I expect him to help out as much as possible with his sisters, asking him to take care of them each mornign while I slept would be a HUGE weight to place on him. It's simply too much to ask a child that age - particularly one in an already stressed household - to do.

So...you have a couple of options: convince your husband to pull his weight, re-arrange YOUR life, or hire someone to watch the kids in the morning.

KMEJ..

Either you get it or you don't.

If you can read what you wrote and NOT see that the situation is unacceptable..then there is nothing I can say that will make you feel otherwise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

KMEJ:

Not much to say to you here. I am not suprised one bit here. The only thing I would say, is please look at the extreme destruction you are "LETTING" your kids experiece at the hands of your fantastic, wonderful, husband. Good luck with this one, you are gonna need it.

Sorry if I am being insensitive here, but you need a GIANT 2 X 4 right now for what you let your kids go through. PLease tell me who has more credibility in this situation:

A Your mother who watches those kids a whole weekend and probably loves them like her own.

B. Your husabnd, a man who has screwed the "nanny", is verbally and physically abusive, lets a 1 and 4 year old wander "unwatched" in your house. You make the call ?

I am sorry, but I think any more responses to you in this thread are going to be things you don't want to hear. Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

H will not be impressed that I am pulling someone else into our problems. I agree though that DS needs to talk to someone. At his old school he did meet with the school social worker, had groups he met with that were safe. I will contact his new school and see if there is anyone that he can talk with.

i talked with them all this morning. I agree that DS should NOT be responsable for his younger brothers, H says he wakes them up, so there for it should be his problem. I think there should be a middle ground. IF DS wakes up his brothers, he makes breakfast, if they wake up on their own H makes breakfast. Or I can just lay out everything b4 I leave in the morning, and I am making breakfast. However I think this goes beyond breakfast... Sigh....
Will it ever end?

Lemonman, do you think I want to be coddled here, I came to this site- you all think I am chaseing after you! I am hurting badly today. I can't afford daycare, but I can;t afford to hurt my kids either. It is all fine and good to hit me with 2x4's but follow it up with some advise, more then just get rid of the man I call H.

My mom has always exagerated. I believe what she says to a point, however I am not sure it is as big a deal as my mom makes it out to be.

H wanted me to leave DS7 home from school today so he would not go to school and tell all- that fact concerns me greatly.

Also did I happen to mention that DS7 woke up last night and thought that H was hurting me so he came to our room, peaked in and went back to bed? Needless to say I did not know until I went to check on him and he asked if I was ok, I said yes, he asked what daddy was doing to me, I said we were just goofing around that I was okay, he was tickleing me. He seemed okay with it, but I don't know how to approch this topic either. Can't exactly have a birds and bees talk with a 7 year old.

Also H thinks that my mom is trying her best to get me to leave him. that she did not suceed last time. And now that he is back and in love with me she wants him gone again (his words).

Why am I always standing in a pile of $hit?

"Why am I always standing in a pile of sh*t"

Because you refuse to step out of it.

You can not control your H..he behaves badly.
You will not leave him.

Welcome to the big steamy pile of sh*t.

This is what the morning SHOULD look like.

Your H wakes up the kids..dresses them and makes them a hot breakfast. Then he waits for the bus with older son saying something to the tune of.."I love you! Have a good day at school!".

This is really the minimum acceptable behavior in my opinion...your H aims far lower than I would accept. You allow this by failing to take action..whatever action..to correct it.

How can I advise you if you rule out the only advice I can offer?

What do YOU think..honestly, would help?

Noodle

Noodle-
it is easy to sit there and see what I need to do. I see it too. I just have no where to go. My H was not raised in a good enviorment, his dad was never really involved. If you could have seen the pain and anger in his eyes this morning you would know why I am so torn, so confused. I see H putting forth an effort, it is just not enough. He thinks what he is doing is okay. I try to talk with him about it, he thinks I am attacking him. I wish my life were simple.

i will take any and all 2x4's. Like I said I am a lousy excuse for a mother. I can't get my kids out of this, I can't turn their father into a daddy. I can not do anything right. BUT I AM TRYING.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think there should be a middle ground. IF DS wakes up his brothers, he makes breakfast, if they wake up on their own H makes breakfast. Or I can just lay out everything b4 I leave in the morning, and I am making breakfast. However I think this goes beyond breakfast... Sigh....
Will it ever end?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bottom line a 4 year old and a 1 year old are still running around un-supervised. Is this really acceptable to you? You're right this does go beyond breakfast. What are you going to tell social services when they ask what happened when some one gets hurt? And I do mean when, not if. You and your H are neglecting your children and putting them in harms way.

Noodle
i leave everyday by 7 am. No one but me is awake at that point. i lay out my kids clothes, pack their backpack with their snack and lunch. i call in the morning if I have not put something out for breakfast. I call again when it is close to time for my DS to leave to make sure his teeth are brushed and his tummy is full. I am there when he gets home from school and ask how it was, we go over homework, talk about his day, have dinner, dancehour, bath, book/movie and then bed.

It is not excuse, I still leave my children home with their father, expecting them to be cared for. When they do not tell me things, I can not know. I knew some stuff, but it was not until late that oldest has had a problem. H use to get up.

I guess I am lousy at this stuff. I want things to magically change, things need to change. I guess I need to figure out what I am willing to give up to help my children grow up to be great men, that is my only goal.

none of you know how much my children mean to me. Everything I do I do for them. Do you have any idea how much it broke my heart to hear all that I did this morning? Or to see my son cry so hard? I am breaking. i have never felt this horriable before. I am not looking to get beat up here, I am looking for possible solutions. H says he is trying to improve, he knows he should get up. I told him knowing he should do something and doing it are two totally different things. I know that my H has never done that to my middle before, as he is his favorite of the 3, and always babies him.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he knows he should get up </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Solution.....GET UP.

I don't care how tired I am....if my children are up....then I'm up. It's MY responsibility to take care of them......I didn't have them (though none were planned) so that I could leave them to fend for themselves.

Your H is such an [censored]....I'm sorry....but he really pisses me off....especially after the letter from your mother. Children don't just make things up.....at that age they don't really have the comprehension to lie about things like that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I am lousy at this stuff. I want things to magically change, things need to change. I guess I need to figure out what I am willing to give up to help my children grow up to be great men, that is my only goal.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't say that you are lousy.

You said your H wouldn't be happy if you brought someone else into the whole mess........well....boo frickin hoo.....he's the one causing the mess....and he certainly has no inclination of fixing it.

I'm not sure what you need to figure out though......your H isn't going to help you change anything. He's the one setting the example to your children right now.......you want them growing up to be just like their daddy?

Solution to the whole mess..........

Tell him to shape up or ship out.......at this point.....if he won't go....then maybe you should.

I'd really like to have a conversation with your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

KMEJ, your mother has not said ONE SINGLE THING that I have not already posted to you regarding your H's negligence towards the children. Your children are fortunate that someone in your real life is aware AND concerned about what is going on in your house.

You want to know what to do??? LET YOUR SON TALK TO SOMEONE. LET BOTH OF YOUR CHILDREN TALK TO SOMEONE. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT, TODAY.

KMEJ..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it is easy to sit there and see what I need to do. I see it too. I just have nowhere to go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK..this is the real issue. You stay because you are stuck. Lets get unstuck. Would Mom be willing to help..let you and kids stay with her? Also..there are a ton of gov't programs that were set in place specifically for women like yourself who need help getting out of a bad situation. Seek them out.

Because, honestly? You and I both know that a poor childhood is no excuse for mistreating your own children. And it doesn't excuse you from allowing it. His eyes can be as hurt and angry as they want..until his actions change it is dangerous to leave the kids with him.

There is no reason in the world that he can not get his lazy butt out of bed to feed and dress and care for his children. No excuses. Your kids need somewhere else to go. He is not up to the task..it does not matter if it is by fate or by choice..it simply must be acknowledged.

I am not advocating the irreversable end of your M..quite the contrary. It is within the realm of possibility that H will find it in himself to become an adequate father and husband..but that will be his decision..and right now..let's face it..he's a dud.

Frankly I think the only hope for your M lies in YOU drawing the boundaries for what will be accepted in your life..draw them in concrete..and enforce the "bugs will be squashed" theory.

Unless you do this..your H seems likely to just continue to dissolve into a puddle of slime.

Even if you do this he may dissolve further and permanently..it just won't matter because you and the kiddos will be SAFE.

Noodle

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
My H was not raised in a good enviorment, his dad was never really involved.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not important to the solution.

Pep

H is determinded that my mom made this up. He is so mad at her right now he does not see the real issue. Why does he not see how he is hurting his kids?

Oops.

We lost her.

Well, it was a good effort folks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Back to more talk about what H thinks and how H feels.

I agree that his childhood has NOTHING to do with what he is doing now......oh boo hoo...he had a bad childhood so....he's going to abuse and cheat on his wife.....and pretty much completely ignore his children because of it.

People use that excuse WAY too much these days.

Wanna know about a bad childhood.......

My mother was EXTREMELY abusive.....when she was around.....sober or drunk.
She would leave me with people I didn't know for days on end.
She would take me to parties with her.....where she would allow me to drink and smoke WHATEVER I wanted....at the age of 10.
She was arrested when I was 11 for check deception and I was sent to a juvinile home......while I was there.....she flew the coup and I didn't here from her again until I was about 21.

Now....that isn't even the half of it......but it has only a little to do with who I am today.

I make me.....your H makes himself.

By the way.....in case you forgot....

YOU ARE ALLOWING YOUR H TO HURT YOUR CHILDREN.

Who cares who he's mad at......who cares what he thinks...wants...needs.....cares about......the REAL ISSUE here is that YOU are ALLOWING your H to do this to you and your children.

WAKE UP!!

People treat you the way YOU allow them to treat you.

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>