</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told my H today that he needs to look at going to straight days and I will quit my day job and work strickly nights, so that he is not the one in charge in the morning. he is looking into it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to hit you over the head......and I'm not going to yell at you.

BUT......YOU are trying to solve HIS problem.

You just told him......I'm going to quit my job to make things easier for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You BOTH should be in charge at all times....and no matter what HE should be in charge when you are not home.

Once again.....you are paying for his decisions.

Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

what else do you suggest?

I have tried setting an alarm for him
I have tried calling to wake him up
I have tried reasoning with him
I have put the kids with a friend in the morning

He either gets upset, or says he will do better. He does for a while and then he is back.

You all say I need to put my children first, that is what I am trying to do.

I can not win no matter what I do.

Send your mother over to tend to them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was just kidding about that, but I do think you should either quit your job or get a later starting one if need be. If he won't come through and take care of them, you will have to step up to the plate and make some job changes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> I was just kidding about that, but I do think you should either quit your job or get a later starting one if need be. If he won't come through and take care of them, you will have to step up to the plate and make some job changes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep...I mean Melody....I mean... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good post. What it all boils down to is KMEJ not really giving her WH any child rearing responsibiltiies. She loves this man even after every thing that he has done to her so I think the only compromise that she will find suitable is to quit her job and be a SAHM. This may be what is needed to keep hubby happy and solve "his probem" and keep her family intact. Her WH seems like a "responsible guy" so I am sure that he will find work to make up for this. There is no real dilemma here. After this incident, she should QUIT her job TODAY and force husband to make up the diiference working landscaping or whatever. He obviously can't child rear so he should at least bring more "bread" home.

KMEJ, I am giving you a CONCRETE solution that DOES not involve kicking your WH to the curb and "preserving" your marriage. This is a big step for me, wouldn't you say?

I say good for you!! You are coming along
However...
It goes against what you told me on the OTHER post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I say good for you!! You are coming along
However...
It goes against what you told me on the OTHER post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, lets just say I had an epiphany. After everything that your WH has done for you, your love for him is still strong. There is not anything I am ever going to tell you that will make you see "my view" --not that that should matter. This is after all a marriage building site. If you want to stay married to this man (and you obviously do- as stated by YOUR actions and words) then doing as suggested above is the best solution. YOu clealry don't want or aren't able to do anything else, so you only have one solution that will even attempt to be accomodating to your husband and your childrens safety. YOu know what my "real" advice would be, but given what you say you want, then this is next "best thing".

I am hopeing that our conversation goes well tonight. i would prefer that he just stepn up to the plate and get up and be a dad. I remember working the evening shift and how very very hard it was to get up in the morning, but I did. I think he just needs to do it and it won't be so hard to fall asleep when he gets home. He will pass out from sheer exhaustion, like I do <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KMEJ...

I passionately suggest that you NOT quit your job and be a SAHM.

H is not reliable..he is not worthy of such vulnerability.

If you want to stay with him..expect that he will not change and plan life accordingly.

I don't understand how you are managing not to have any expendable income with two people working and a reasonably low standard of living.

Hmmm. Maybe a financial advisor is in order? Or some classes to help you distinguish between an asset and a liability <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think that working evenings is a better choice..of course it will not make him a devoted father..dinner may be frosting out of a can and I expect DOD will be playing xbox [or whatever variation you have] instead of actively parenting..but at least he'll likely be awake.


Understand though.. you are choosing this..it is what you are settling for. "If I set up everything in your favor..can I at least expect you to remain conscious while you are responsible for our children?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good luck to you, KMEJ. I think you are in for a bumpy ride.

Noodle

Thanks noodle,
H use to be the one home at night, and he preferred it, he switched so that I could have a better job, one with benifits, and let me be on the same schedule as my children. H supported me in my goal to be with my children more. However here we are 6 years later, and he is still working nights, no longer likeing it.

When H worked days he was tired when he got home, as most people are. He would watch TV or play with our son (only had one at the time). He would always be asleep by 10pm, because he had to be at work. He takes pride in his work.

I could NOT be a sahm. I have great respect for those who can, that is not for me. I like to contribute to the home, I love my kids but 24/7 with them, I would pull out my hair!!

Yes we both work, H makes pretty good money. We make enough to cover our bills, put some away for emergencys and college funds, and my 2 job gives us extra for little things. What we do manage to save H borrows out to friends who are in dire need and it is often never returned. H likes to help people when he can. H is also addicted to e-bay and gambleing- so that is also where alot of our money goes. we are not paycheck to paycheck but do not have an extra thousand a month for daycare.

Ah..an addict. Gotcha. That explains a lot.

are you being sarcastic or serious?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> are you being sarcastic or serious? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I will just throw out a guess that noodle is being sarcastically DEAD SERIOUS.

LM (aka "sourpuss")

KMEJ - Sorry, Sorry, Sorry to your 3 boys.
2 more Sorries to yourself & your mom.

Children confide when the feel they are SAFE.

Please Believe your children .

Your 7 year old already feels responsible for protecting you!!!!!! HE IS 7 not 17 not even 14!!!

Yes he is capable of waking his siblings, but in no way should he be MADE GROW UP BEFORE HIS TIME, he is a child, please allow him be that.

The children had LOCKED themselves in or were they locked in by Daddy??? Whichever THEY WERE FRIGHTENED. Are you not? This is not fair.

I understand your desire to be a family unit.
There is a line drawn when ABUSE is present.
How far does it have to go before you can no longer see the line?

You afforded a nanny before, can you still?
I know that hurts you. Select your candidates with your new found wisdom. Hire your MOTHER or someone of her vintage who has reared a family, who won't take cr2p from your H, who puts the children 1st.

Please when you are 'talking' with your husband please use the strategy of 'some authority figure said' outside the family ie. the teacher noticed Johnny is acting distracted, & suggested it could be to do with his home life. (hungry poss)'the teacher' says we must focus on him.

NEVER for the child's sake NEVER EVER quote him directly to Daddy while there is doubt. H may say one thing to you & do something totally different with the kids, remember locked in rooms - ALARM BELLS RINGING, RED FLAG was raised.

You seem to be at an all time low KMEJ.

GET REAL HELP - IN THE REAL WORLD - DO IT.

KMEJ you are a very muched loved, valuable, important, irreplaceable woman to your children.
Their Childhood is irreplaceable too.

You seem stuck in taking action to improve.

PLEASE listen to yourself hear what you have said of your family situation as if you were an outsider looking in & then consider what would you advise.

Do NOT give up your Job.

Review of H: (humour me - as I've read on this thread)

1. He refuses to care for children in the morning so he can sleep in - because he IMHO is IRRESPONSIBLE

2. He has physically assaulted you - IMHO you live in fear that is not love that is conditioning to accept as normal what is not normal or healthy

3. Addicted to e-bay and gambleing

Oh KMEJ I can't go on, the kids are frightened, you know they're not being looked after properly.

You are a fantastic optimist "H likes to help people when he can" is that when it will earn him more popularity public image. What about his wife??? The wife who works 2 jobs??

It is obvious you have a real belief in being with your husband.

He is not taking you seriously or for that matter his children or his role as a husband and father.

If you must go through the road of marriage recovery these links may help you (forgive me if you've read them already, they are always worth re-reading) How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities

Following the Policy of Joint Agreement

Domestic Violence

How to Overcome an Abusive Marriage
What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse addiction

ktulu..you forgot..

4) affair with the nanny

Thank you for the links I will read and reread them.

Are you saying that my children do not feel safe with me? WE talk all the time. WE laugh together, cry together, dance and play together.

I just had some 1/1 time with the son in question here. He told me everything that happened in his eyes this morning. He did not want to make breakfast, called nana, who told him to wake up dad (which is what I tell him too, or I call H's cellphone myself and tell him it is time to get up), dad said no, nana asked to talk to him, H hung up, H told DS that he was no longer aloud to use the phone period (my guess yelling this) and DS cried and called me.

I am not excuseing this. I am not saying that H does not have A LOT he needs to improve on, and a lot of growing up to do.

I just know my mom and am having a hardtime putting 100% of my stock in what she says.

I agree changes need to be made. H and I will talk in a few hours when he gets home. Hopefully a resolution can be made tonight, if not then we will re-visit this subject until it is.

oh yeah, the nanny bit-
She was a friend of H's that was in need. We gave her a place to live, food to eat and money in exchange for watching 2 out of our 3 kids 3 days a week. We did not pay her much money.

I just paid for it dearly in the end.

Oh yeah, and I saw HUGE red flags with this one from the get go, so did his family and mine. But I trusted my H so much I told them they were all crazy. Look who ended up with cake on her face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Did you get a chance to talk to DS4? Do you feel comfortable with what was going on there?

(DS4 -- sheesh that sounds like something from starwars or something <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I did talk with him tonight. I asked how thing were when mom was at work, he said I am always at work <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I then asked how is daddy when mommy is at work. He said fine.
I asked if he ever hid under his bed, he said yes to eat candy. I asked if he did it for anyother reason, he said sometimes. I asked why, he said when I am naughty I hide from daddy.

Ahhh I see. I have a DS4 myself and I can't decipher it one way or another. Sounds like it could all be very innocent or not. Hard to tell.

My little guy is very verbal about his feelings but doesn't really understand what is going on. He just misses his Mom and needs lots of validation of love. He asks me a lot "Do you love me Daddy?" Which, of course, I always respond "Yes I love you DS4". I know its the self blame thing, but he has a hard time understanding the whole concept in general. Whenever he gets in trouble the first thing he says is "I love you Daddy" He was always lovey but this is definitely different and it breaks my heart that he has to go through it.