I really need help from the board...

My FWH is doing all of the right things, our M is better than ever. His OW still attempts contact, which he informs me of at all times (although for months he was receiving "mysterious" pages and hang up phone calls which he thought were from her and never told me about) . However, with every attempt at contact it sends me into a downward spiral that this will never end. Do we really have to geographically move...I have a DD from a previous marriage that is a junior in HS. We both love our jobs, our children love their schools.

I guess my real issue is after all this...the continued attempts at contact it just ignites all of the pain, the lies, the absolute disregard for our marriage and for me as a human being...our family!

I do love him, he loves me...but the reality of it all is just too much to bear at times. I've lost the fantansy of the being the princess in his life and someone else had that. I also feel resentful that he got to experience the excitement of "new love", the butterflies in the stomache, rapid heart beat with the thought of seeing or speaking with his new love.

I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Am I one of those people that can not cope with the effects of an affair? Because honestly I am having a VERY difficult time of it...I starting smoking and drinking after I found out(18 months ago). I've been through IC, and MC, I still can't cope. I've always been a strong person, but somehow I don't seem to be able to cope with this. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Every time they are in contact puts you and him back to Day 1 of recovery. That is why you are here at this late date still dealing with a resentment that should have been long resolved.

You should be well into your recovery by now but you keep getting dragged back to D-Day.

I could not cope with the continued contact and am surprised that you tolerate this. Why is she contacting him?

My belief is she believes that there is a special "screct bond" between them, partly because they kept the true nature of the affair a secret between them for so long. I don't think that she knows that he fully disclosed all of the details of the A to me because they were so hidious.

I have to second Melody's question -

Why is she contacting him? Was an NC letter sent?

Can you show your WH wat you just wrote? He needs to realize the damage that is still being done to you and to your marriage. And he needs to know what you are feeling about not being his princess any longer. You're resentment is a danger to your marriage now.

Is your WH reading the MB concepts also?

It is HIS responsibility to end the contact, not hers. Why is he allowing this to continue?

Like weaver said, a no contact letter should be sent immediately. You should not have to live like this. That is like chinese torture being dragged back to D-Day over and over and over again. Girl, you will die a death of a thousand cuts that way.

He has an obligation to PROTECT you from this by ending contact. Here are some good sample letters he could send:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

My sentiments exactly! He choses to just ignore them. He doesn't respond back, but I think he looks forward to her contacts. He will say on a Monday, "no contacts this weekend, I really expected there would be", he of course always follows this up with some derrogatory comment about the OW.

A NC letter was sent back in Dec. 03!

jellywink, then what would you suggest he do to end the contact?

I have always thought that if he used some strong words to her to express his true desire for NC, and always how he feels for his W. I want him to stand up for me and for my well being for a change. I think he actually anticipates her contact..."No contact today, I thought there would be a hang up phone call." This comment is made after a weekend.

jelly, I agree with you. I do believe she would be long gone if your H chose to do something about it.

THAT is exactly why you have not recovered and are still dealing with this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My FWH is doing all of the right things</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not quite...............

Thank you ML, I was starting to think this was all "my issue", as my H led me to believe.

jelly, I would just explain to him that you need to move on and that you cannot move on and recover as long as she is still intruding in your lives. Tell him what I said about you being put right back to Day 1 every time this happens. You need her to go away FOR GOOD. You will benefit and he will benefit. Tell him this.

Ask him what his suggestion is to make that happen.

I have been fighting this battle for a long time...every time I think I can "breathe" she will attempt contact. I'm at my wits end! I have told my H everything that you have suggested.

He feels no contact is no contact, which is why he choses to just ignore her attempts.

jelly, but she is still contacting him. How would he suggest putting a stop to that?

<small>[ November 09, 2004, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

By just ignoring it and hoping it/she will go away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jellywink:
<strong> By just ignoring it and hoping it/she will go away. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I think the proof is in the pudding in your statement when your husband stated "I didn't get any calls this weekend, thought there would be a hang up". He gets an ego boost from these calls at YOUR EXPENSE. You are not in recovery. You have somehow reconciled in your mind that your husband is in NC, yet you feel so horrible about everything. YOu even stated that your WH is doing "all the right things". I think Melody Lane is right (not a common comment of mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) that your "recovery" has not been really happening. Your D-days keep getting set back to Ground zero. It is no wonder you feel the way that you do. I guess I should congratulate you on being able to forgive your husband at least and stay married...that is something to be proud of and should give you some consolation right?

I agree with ML and LM..[hey! you two are a palindrome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

And to make matters worse..I don't think you have seen withdrawl yet. Probably why..superficially at least..things are going so well. Like an addict who gets just a little bit of heroine..just enough to keep them steady. As long as she is calling..he knows she still cares..she still wants him. Essentially he can still cake eat. She is in his back pocket. So..when you find a true NC..as you surely must in order to move forward..do not be suprised if a withdrawl does set in..anticipate it..because right now..the affair isn't completely over, just on hiatus. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

nice discription...even I got that one

My H went through withdrawal in 2/03...it sucks to have to witness! I guess it must have been too difficult as he started seeing her again in 3/03 and continued the A until 9/03. There was not another withdrawal period...maybe because all along he still had some form of knowledge of her desire to still be with him.

I can not do another withdrawal.

If my spirit could be a tangible item it would be battered, bloody and dismembered.