Mimi -- I was almost scared to read your response -- was hoping i was "getting it" finally. It is slowly becoming clear to me. I just spoke w/ WH on phone and we had a good conversation - updated him on the weekend happenings, etc... he won't be home until late tomorrow now though... is still w/ OW but says that due to conference calls for work he won't be able to leave until late morning/early afternoon tomorrow... so, my plan is as follows -- I'm going to go to food store and get food in the house so i can begin cooking dinners again... going to MD in A.M. to talk about anti-depressants (will ask about the wellbutrin -- oh and i mentioned on phone to WH that i had MD appt. he asked if i was OK, what's wrong (well gee let's see beside the obvious) so i told him i wanted to ask about whether i may need anti-depressants.. should i have not told him that? he asked flat out why i was going - i'm not a good liar)... ummmmm.... going to gym now as used to be my schedule.... still unsure about the bed thing -- won't be able to get on that until wednesday anyway -- i'll think on that - i really want him back in the master bedroom - hmmmm.... oh and don't be alarmed re: gun safey course, etc... if i haven't shot him yet, I won't... seriously - its OK. So - am I still on right track??

You are doing SUPER!!

Honesty is a good part of PLAN A. You can answer his questions honestly. Don't expect him to answer your questions honestly and/or rationally.

By the way, he's checking in to make sure it's OK for him to come home. Just think although he is with her for the weekend, she's on borrowed time. You have him now in your home with you during the week. Now....just to get him into that bed..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

BTW,

I forgot to share with you that right after my D-DAY, I moved out of my bedroom. The folks on here blasted me and told me to move back in. I was absolutely sure that my FWH would reject me.

Wow, was I surprised!!! It was unforgettable. I simply started sleeping back in the bed. He said nothing about it. I expected him to ask me to leave again or to reject me. Eventually, he began to initiate SF with me. This became a major part of MY PLAN up until the day we reconciled. I've since learned that AFFECTION is almost as important to my FWH as Sexual Fulfillment. He likes having me near him---the Teddy Bear concept. Plus, I nearly always smell delicious. I've always been known for that and he has always loved it.

How about putting new linen on the bed in the Master Bedroom? How about decorating the room with candles? How about the stuff that is sprayed on the pillows from Bath and Body Works? This may not be your style but just some thoughts.... Just in preparation for him..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All great ideas re: bedroom -- I actually do need new sheets! And did a lot of de-cluttering so I have plenty of room for candles... Now, do I just ask him back in? Tell him I don't like sleeping alone? Forgive me but I am dense... and I love the comment re: her being on borrowed time -- I'm going to print out this whole string and highlight your most inspiring comments.

Also another question that I think I already know the answer to -- I took my wedding rings off a couple weeks ago when he was staying w/ OW and I just couldn't look at them anymore -- should I put them back on???

Girlfriend:

Why is this so scripted? I did the ring thing,too.
Put them back on, for sure. Remember JUST DO IT. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Make your claim. He is still yours.

Go with your gut on the bedroom thing. You know your WH best. My instinct would be to go to where he is so that you don't have to do any talking or begging and then feel rejected. You can only control yourself, remember.

I guess I would hint about getting the bedroom ready for him or write him a LOVE LETTER or send him a CARD, inviting him back in, saying that you are lonely, you miss him being close by, etc. I found out later that my FWH loved the letters and cards that I sent him. Tell him how you want him to be comfortable and you feel that he would probably be more comfortable sleeping in his own bed... Use language that you think will be effective.

Begging is not a good idea so however you can do this without that is good.

OK - rings go back on.... I'm going to have to ponder the bedroom thing (I really don't want to go into his room because its pretty messy and the sheets haven't been washed for quite a while) - not sure that I want anything in writing either - but, yes, no begging... I'll think on that and maybe run some stuff by you.... (i may just go w/ the hate sleeping alone thing cause I really do - although i have at least a dog or two on the bed, it just ain't the same)(oh and I've been poking around some other posts and, wow, you're busy -- thanks so much for taking your time to help us out). Either way I do it, he'll be stunned by my suggestion... and i will try to remember to not feel rejected if he says its not a good idea -- I'll just say OK - just throwin' it out there....

How about cleaning up the bedroom where he sleeps? That would be a surprise for him.

I don't think I can do that -- about a month ago he had the nerve to bring OW into OUR home and she cleaned his bedroom, bathroom and home office -- I think I'd have too many images of her being in there doing the same thing....

He needs to clean up his mess. His life, his room, his office, wash the sheets, etc.

The onis s/b on him. If you clean up his mess, where is the valuable lesson learned?

L.

Ok. Don't clean up the room. WOW! You failed to tell me she was in YOUR HOME! I understand now about not killing him yet.

If she trespasses in your home, I think you have a legal right to shoot her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> OOPS, there's the problem of him letting her in there.

I do see a mindset of you seeing it has HIS ROOM, HIS BATHROOM.

STILL, THE ENTIRE HOUSE IS YOURS AS WELL SINCE YOU ARE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER. LET'S CONSIDER THIS A MSARRIAGE AGAIN!!!!

ORCHID:

Do you believe in the MB SYSTEM? What SYSTEM are you advocating for STILL? She can easily get confused. She is just starting out here.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi - yes, OW was in the house - hasn't been back since though... it was such a creepy feeling.

Went to MD, started me on ADs but not wellbutrin - he said that can make some people have anxiety and since i already had those symptoms he didn't want to try me on that first - I'm starting something else (can't remember what, begins w/ an "L") and will go back in a couple weeks to see how its working or not working. So, that should help me.

Am having some anxiety about WH return late tonight. I'm sure I won't see him tonight though - won't be home until late. I got food in the house though so I've accomplished a portion of Plan A.

And, you're right, I can get easily confused. I wasn't sure what Orchid was telling me on that post.

Otherwise we're status quo - I'm just praying for the strength I'll need to get started on this. Thanks for your help. And any additional words of encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated!!

You're on course. You are doing great already by being able to sleep. I slept and ate poorly when my H was gone off with her.

I maybe incorrect in this but I think Orchid has sort of a different take than I do because her FWH did not have a longterm A. I think that your WH is like mine in that he is unfortunately is involved in what can be called a LOVE AFFAIR and it will be harder for him to break off from her. Thus, this approach that we are using...

Hang in there... The way you are approaching this now is good for yourself at least.

Thanks Mimi - have printed out this string and am reading and re-reading in order to stay focused. I'm still having some anxiety but am hoping that WH will be in a decent "mood" upon his return. I will stay focused on my Plan A and expect nothing in return from him. I do hope this helps me as well get to a good place where I will feel better about myself.

I went to my final counseling session w/ our relationship counselor - neither of us are going back to him since at the moment there is no relationship to counsel. He basically told me there is a very slim chance that my WH is going to get to the point where he wants to work this out, etc... wasn't much fun hearing him tell me all this. But he did say that based on his conversations w/ my WH that his relationship w/ OW is not going to last - my WH knows that - so maybe that will make my job easier? or maybe that is worse, because if my WH already knows the this relationship w/ OW isn't going to last but is still willing to toss me away for it... may not be a good sign???

double post

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>

Unless I waaaayyyy misunderstood the nature of what's going on, I'd say that your H's relationship with OW is not a 'love affair'. My impression is that it's more on the physical level.

Which brings me to my next point...

Please keep in mind that he is not "willing to toss you away" over the relationship with OW. It's more a case of 'getting his needs met' overwhelming his 'sense of right and wrong'. Not that it's a concious choice, it's just where his fogged brain is leading him.

I think you are in a better position than you realize.

And don't clean his room. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

John

Thanks Dewt -- I just have this fear that he is going to tell me that since he cannot decide what he wants to do, then the marriage is over. He has been saying all along if forced to decide now, we're done.

Mimi and Dewt -- If, say, tomorrow, he tells me that -- what should my response be? For some reason, I just fear that he's going to make a decision like this while still "foggy" and it scares me to death. What should I say back to that??? I'm assuming he is on his way home now but won't be back until very late.... I'm getting a little anxious...

You are getting anxious. Just stick to your PLAN. That's all that YOU can do. Let's take it one step at the time and see what happens. I will check in with you tomorrow.

BTW, I define love affairs as long-term affairs in which they THINK that they are IN LOVE with each other. Unfortunately, sex is an important part of the relationship but not the only part. However, it is still an A and has a low likelihood of enduring. It's only for play, a weekend fantasy world that they are living.

Since you believe that your WH loved you before, he can fall in love with you again. You have a history with him, she doesn't. She just has her BORROWED TIME and really it is borrowed.

I just have this fear that he is going to tell me that since he cannot decide what he wants to do, then the marriage is over. He has been saying all along if forced to decide now, we're done.

Yeow... Can I relate to that! ( my thread about this very thing )

Likely he will be quirky when he gets home. Don't let that worry you. It's him handling guilt and trying to manage the crazy cr@p going through his head.

Tonight and tommorrow... just be cool.

Chill. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

john

Dewt - read your thread (gee that rhymed) very interesting. The comment you made about understanding why your wife is hesitant to get back into the marriage made me think -- that is, I'm sure, part of WH's hesitancy. There is much in my part of this relationship that needs work - thinking back I put zero effort into us as well.. we are both to blame on so many levels... not just me not meeting his SF and affection needs - there was more....

However - I'm still afraid he is going to try to end us... how can I respond w/out sounding like a begging, pleading maniac???? If he comes to me tomorrow and says "i thought about it and this isn't fair to you - you deserve so much more - I'm going to walk away from this marriage so you can find that because I still do not know what I want".... what do i say to that??

oops - double post

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>