HELP!!! WH just called - he's "running late" won't be home until tomorrow early afternoon -- I can't take much more -- my heart is breaking right now.... i love him so much and he has zero interest in coming home - to me - the woman who has stood by him for the last 11 years and loves him STILL.... help... need encouragement.

BUT ...he called you. He really did not have to call you. You haven't even really started the PLAN yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stillprocessing:
<strong>we are both to blame on so many levels... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ackowledging this is a good first step.

Getting past 'blaming'... losing the sense of condemnation (towards either side), accepting the role you played and then making personal changes... those are the steps coming up for you.

And believe me, as you take these steps, all this gets easier. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, and we all have our bad days, but it seems to... I dunno... make more sense in the grander scheme of things.

As for his 'running late'... I know that feels like crap.

I love him so much and he has zero interest in coming home - to me - the woman who has stood by him for the last 11 years and loves him STILL....

And this is probably the worst feeling I've had to deal with throughout this whole hellish ordeal. I bet there are at least a coupla hundred folk on this site who could echo that statement.

{{{{stillprocessing}}}}

You can do this.

This is gonna sound o-so-corny... but... is there a hobby you could pick up? Ya can't live in the betrayed 'state' full time. It'll drive ya gnuts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

john

So - stay the course??? wow - this is so hard - I just want him to get home... the only solace I take is that when I get home from work tomorrow he will be here (I hope) I'm going to ask him to return to master bedroom tomorrow night - basically I think i'll just tell him i want him near me - regardless of what is going on currently - I hate sleeping alone and want him near me... so I'll just see what his response is to that...

Dewt - yes a hobby - I'm currently looking into one (and don't be alarmed, Mimi was a bit alarmed by it) but I'm going to join a target range - have always enjoyed target shooting (and it was something WH and I used to do together) but haven't done for a while... am going to take a gun safety course and get back to target shooting... and, no, I won't shoot my WH - if I haven't yet... I won't...

thanks for your words this evening -- they will help me sleep. Again though, I'm still looking for a response to the possible revelation WH may have upon his return "the marriage is over" what do i do then???

My FWH said those same words, "IT'S OVER". Guess who just kissed me on the cheek after he walked through the door.

This may well take TIME AND PATIENCE but you can't give up. BE A BELIEVER IN YOURSELF AND YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Thanks mimi -- i always had a problem w/ that patience thing.... I do believe in the marriage and myself!! Will keep repeating that...

I've been told, "It's over," several times. In fact we're still there... but guess who just gave me a kiss too? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Patience.

J

Bless you both... you have been my sanity over these crazy weeks....

I think my husband has posted on the survivinginfidelity website -- on the "wayward only" board (not sure if you all have been over there) But it seems he's trying to get help from others that have been in his position in figuring his brain... still saying that if he is forced to decide now than the marriage is over -- ugh.. I swear I'm going to get him a T-shirt that says that... if i hear that one more time i am going to scream!!! anyhooooo -- maybe its a good sign that at the very least he is realizing and acknowledging he is screwed up??? also, he posted there while he was w/ OW -- part of his post said something about initially he had decided the marriage was over, but lately he has been thinking more about how things used to be w/ me... so, i guess that's good - and again, he typed that while w/ OW... dunno-- am i grasping here?

I wouldn't read what he's saying on that message board. That will veer you off course.

Remember that he is temporarily insane, under the influence of an alien. He is liable to say anything.

Focus on YOUR PLAN. You are in the driver's seat!!

OK, will do... yes, he is an alien... will remember that... though i keep checking back to see if he re-posted... hasn't yet... people keep telling him to ditch OW -- which is good, I guess but I fear that will push him to end our marriage.. wow, I'm sounding neurotic now... started my AD (Lexapro) today.... hope it kicks in sooner than the 2-4 weeks...

me again -- just talked to WH - he is actually on his way home (almost there) and will be around tonight... eeeeek... pep talks? plan of action? anything? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

No LBing. No Crying. No Begging and Pleading. He may want to pick a fight to justify being gone so long.

Tell yourself how great it is that he called and that he is coming home. He could have just shown up without checking in with you. A part of him wants to think that you care that is he coming home.

Tell yourself how great it is that you have the opportunity to work on YOUR PLAN.

CHILL...

Remember, like we told you, even if he says "IT's OVER" doesn't mean that is true.

If he wants to talk about a plan to separate, don't help him with this. Let him come up with it on his own and don't beg or plead to try to talk him out of this. I'm not thinking this will happpen but just in case... You never know what he will do with continued influence of the ALIEN FORCES.

Remember TIME AND PATIENCE are on your side. The A will eventually die on its own if you can sit back and let it.

Thanks mimi -- i printed out your reply and will read it over and over on the way home (only at red lights though!) and, could it be that the Lexapro is kicking in already... I'm feeling pretty calm.... or maybe its the calm before the storm??? dunno -- guess we'll see... no pressure though -- we'll see how tonight goes - I've got to do some cooking for a work function tomorrow so I'll be busy -- but will hopefully be asking him to come back to master bedroom -- i'm still back and forth on that... will see what kind of mood he is in, i guess???? or JUST DO IT?? ugh..

Well, I think you'll be proud of me --- before I went to bed last night I went into his home office (where he was) and told him i wanted to "throw something out there" that if he wanted to come back to master bedroom i would not be opposed to it, he says "oh i was sitting here looking at trailers (he has this warped idea that he was going to buy a trailer when i asked him to leave at night) because i thought you wanted me to leave", i said "well you know how i feel about you" (meaning i love you and want to fix us but just left it at that); he said won't it be uncomfortable? i said if you think so than its OK, I'm just tossing it out there.... then i go to bed.... he comes in a few minutes later and asks why i want him in there -- i say because i'm tired of sleeping alone and regardless of what is going on, you are my husband and i miss you.... again he says, won't it be uncomfortable, again i say, if you think so than that's fine.... so, he leaves... and i think laid down on the guest room bed (its kind of creaky) for a few minutes... then came in and got in bed w/ me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i smiled.... he laid there looking pretty stiff and seeming to not be breathing... i put my hand on his shoulder and said 'you OK?' he said yea, why? i said it didn't seem you were breathing.. he said well i haven't been here for a while.. i said "i know, believe me"... so that was that... not sure what it all means but i slept pretty good w/ him there... not sure if he'll come back tonight but, again, day at a time... we were able to talk about normal stuff... no relationship talk... he actually stayed downstairs w/ me and watched TV but i think that was done more out of guilt... so anyway, i accomplished that mission.. now to stay focused on me and plan A...

HE'll be back. Let him know that IT WAS NOT UNCOMFORTABLE. IT FELT GOOD!!!!!

ummmm... OK - was just on phone w/ WH for 2 hours! (i'm at work) Seems he read the posts in response to his on the survivinginfidelity board - most of which were telling him to end it w/ OW and focus on the marriage - that the relationship w/ OW is fantasy and not going to last -- all of which are great comments... however, he is still unable to end contact and called me to talk about "us" and the future of "us" and how we deal w/ things in the short term -- he cannot stop seeing her but cannot continue hurting me as he has been. Again making comments like -- he's been thinking of me more lately when before it was out of sight out of mind.... that he is more confused now than he was.... that he knows he has his own issues that he needs to deal w/ and in 6 months it would be poetic justice that he wants me back but I've moved on.... that he loves me... that he is soooo attracted to me.... but he is still in destructive behavior mode and is unable to stop what he is doing know matter what people tell him....

Plan now is to go over the "black and white" issues -- finances, etc... to figure out if we can keep the house w/ me in it and have him go elsewhere.... i'm not sure where to go w/ that (i honestly don't think we'll be able to afford that once we see the #s)... but, honestly, i don't know how much more i can take -- for instance, this weekend, he is going to see whore -- leaving friday night but will be back sunday night (he can't keep doing the long weekends.... so i've got that going for me)

do i just push for him not leaving the house w/out seeming like i'm pushing for that?? I'm so in the "i don't know" mode right now I can't stand it... if i had a nickle for every time both of us said "i don't know" in that conversation i'd be able to quit my job right now.... ugh... any advice here? Can i stick to plan A and have him only coming to our house to work?? or does that mean plan "A" is out the window??

Your Plan is already working. You have got to be very careful with this. You do not want to throw him into her arms!!! This A will end but you will need to remember TIME AND PATIENCE. Follow these simple guidelines right now.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan now is to go over the "black and white" issues -- finances, etc... to figure out if we can keep the house w/ me in it and have him go elsewhere.... i'm not sure where to go w/ that (i honestly don't think we'll be able to afford that once we see the #s)... but, honestly, i don't know how much more i can take -- for instance, this weekend, he is going to see whore -- leaving friday night but will be back sunday night (he can't keep doing the long weekends.... so i've got that going for me)

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DON 'T ENTERTAIN OR ENGAGE IN THIS DISCUSSION WITH HIM!!!!!

Your mantra is going to be that you don't want to separate, you want your marriage, what good will separation do, you want another chance to work on things, etc. Separation is not a topic for discussion!! If he leaves, he leaves on his own and he works it out on his own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can i stick to plan A and have him only coming to our house to work?? or does that mean plan "A" is out the window </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are going to ask him to stay home and you will continue with YOUR PLAN. You will implement the most magnificent plan that you can think of. You goal will be to BLOW HIS MIND If he leaves, you want him to remember the time spent with you during this time.

You are having to much discussion and relationship talk with him. He is still in a fog. He will not make sense and you will not be able to talk sense into him. He is definitely on the fence. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT MAKE IT EASY FOR HIM TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE THE FENCE.

JUST DO IT!!!!!

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

so I flat out tell him I don't want to separate? that if he wants to go, he needs to figure out how to go? Or do I just steer him away from it w/out him know I'm steering him away... I was clear in my conversation to him that I know what I want (us to work out) and he needs to figure himself out at some point... I in no way indicated that I had given up on us... I'm so confused right now, as is he... do I tell him we need to hold off on further decisions until there some clarity somewhere???

Get a grip on yourself, Still. You are not confused. He is confused. He would want you to believe that you are confused. You are not. You are the sane one here.

Stop listening to him. He is an alien. Yes you flat out tell him that you do not want him to leave. Then you proceed to do your PLAN. You don't have to tell him what you are doing.

See above how I added to my previous post.

JUST DO IT!!!

Stop believing that you can't. You are highly capable of pulling this off. You do not need his understanding or acceptance.

This is your car. You are in the driver's seat.

OK, now I'm just dizzy - seriously, I am.. is that a side effect of Lexapro?? or is it my current situation? I'm feeling rather wimpy now - I know you are going to yell at me.... yes - i fear that him leaving the house pushes him into OW arms -- and she'll be like ha ha - he moved out... blah -- so I totally see where telling him not to leave is part of my fight for us... so - I guess if I look at it that way, that makes sense... but (of course, a but)at this point I would still like to go over finances w/ him because there is no way on earth he'll be able to afford rent or whatever -- so then I'll just be like - well, I guess you stay and we'll deal... or do I just say - you're staying... doesn't that sound pathetic? I don't want him to feel sorry for me... and I know he's in a fog -- he even desribed himself that way.... wow - Plan A is hard..