</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Committed.
I agree with you. To answer some questions

1.I come here because it is nice to know I am not alone.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many people in the world, and on this forum, have gone through what you are going through. The difference being that MOST of them have taken action..instead of reacting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2.To voice my concerns, with out fear of being laughed at, or abandoned. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one is going to laugh at those things...but I am not sure how the "abandoned" part plays into this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 3. TO try to offer some form of insight from my experience to others so they do not have to go through the same pain and mistakes taht I did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which is exactly what the people who post TO you are hoping to achieve...and hoping that you take notice and change YOUR situation. You are in control of that .... YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4. Because I like everyone here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well...I have never been one of the poster's that has been "liked" very much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">5. Some miracle fix that I am over seeing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is NO miracle fix. The fix lies within you. It is there for the taking. You just have to be brave enough to do it. It isn't going to take a miracle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry that I have the same [censored] a different day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I said that...I meant that when you post it's generally about the same kind of thing that is happening over and over. It's just a different day...and by doing nothing about it...and expecting different results...it's insane.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I realize I should get some more outside help. Maybe that would help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THAT is the wisest thing I have seen you post yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JMHO
committed

KMEJ,

You DO have the tools. You just don't want to use them.

Your husband knows that you aren't serious about NC. Heck..you let him talk to your best friend about having sex with her. Why should he beleive that you have ANY limits at all?

In my view, the time for Plan-B has long passed.

Take the kids to your mom's. Then...go somewhere. Make him live without you for a while.

By the way...which of your family members "pop in" here? And...why do they do so?

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: AndrewA ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:
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5. Some miracle fix that I am over seeing
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This is NO miracle fix. The fix lies within you. It is there for the taking. You just have to be brave enough to do it. It isn't going to take a miracle.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Committed- that was a JOKE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Ha Ha </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.To voice my concerns, with out fear of being laughed at, or abandoned.
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No one is going to laugh at those things...but I am not sure how the "abandoned" part plays into this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have had to deal with major changes in my friends and family due to this- that is where the abandonment comes in to play. Funny thing is though is asides from the money aspect, the kids and I were great on our own. We were happy, and things were settleing with out H around. The atmosphere was so relaxed, we just did what we felt we should, and let things slide to the next day if that is what we felt. Things were so different with H out of the house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry that I have the same [censored] a different day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I said that...I meant that when you post it's generally about the same kind of thing that is happening over and over. It's just a different day...and by doing nothing about it...and expecting different results...it's insane. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have reacted- I just tend not to post my own personal failures on here. I have tried many a things, and fell on my face- I guess I should share them so ya'all stop thinking I am a spineless woman.

Also Sorry for all my grammer mistakes, I tend not to take time to reread my posts!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

AndrewA-
I can not go to my mom's she reported H for neglect to my son's school. The school found the report not withstanding, however it shattered my relationship with my mother. I work in the same district as my son attends and now I am dealing with the reporcussions of the not- withstanding charges with my higher ups and co-workers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I made the mistake of telling a family member that I post here, and they said that they would go read, asked them not too. However maybe I should just change my name back... H might be looking too- that might be good for him however.

However I am thinking you are right, it is high time I confront him with my knowledge, and tell him that he either goes 100% no contact or he leaves- then I won't be uprooting my kids AGAIN. I just feel for them.

What does "not withstanding" mean? They found the charge to be baseless? Is your H still getting up in the morning?

Basically they said that they yeah- found no groundings for the report. If all that she is concerned about is he has to get his own and brothers breakfast then they are not concerned. i on the other hand am. DS7 called this morning to tell me that DS4 had an accident (BM in pants) and I told him there was nothing I could do from here, Told him to go tell his dad, said he did, but DS7 said he already took care of it. I called H and informed him of what DS7 said, he said he knew, I respectfully (no LBing) told him he needed to get up and feed them breakfast, he hung up- have not spoken to him since... Not sure if that answers your question or not. I guess H was awake.... Not sure what else.....

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: T in the road ]</small>

KMEJ,

There's not a lot else I can say to you that hasn't been said. The situation you describe is unacceptable.

Are you going to do anything about it?

There is nothing left for anyone to say. I need to figure out when I have had enough and get off of my hands and do something to fix this.

I have decided to ask H about the phone number and N/C. H is just so good at talking me down, and convinceing me I have made it all up, until it starts up again.

Can any WS explain the addiction to me please?

T,

Get ready for another brickbat but it seems that the ONLY PERSON FUNCTIONING IN A NORMAL RATIONAL MANNER IS YOUR MOTHER.

Why did you cut off that only source of reason and support???????????????

She reported something to my place of employment with out talking to me first. I have to work here, I do not need this right now. My kids are VERY important to me,. and I know she means well- but please. I have to work here.

That and she has blinders on. She only sees what she wants, nothing I do or my H has ever been and will ever be good enough for her.

She hates my H because of what he has done (every mothers right) but also because she sees so much of herself in my H. She cheated and left my dad for OM (great guy) she use to yell at us and hit us,- basically I think she wants more for my kids then I had. This is not a pity thing, this is honesty. I respected her feelings and said i would take care of it- now I have to deal with it at work. I feel she was in the wrong.

Do not get me wrong I love my mom very much, just right now I do not like her very much.

You know...I'm wondering if an intervention-model would work here.

KMEJ appears to have a hard time confronting her husband alone. What if she and her support network - such as it is - were to confront him together? It'd be a whole lot harder to "talk him down."

I'm curious if anyone here has used group intervention to deal with an affair/marital dysfunction. It's sort of an inverted exposure. I guess.

By the way, KMEJ, HAVE you exposed his affair to people who might be able to crack it? Do you know anything about the OW? If she is married...have you told her husband?

Quote from T:
I honestly think he is accomadateing me by changeing her name in his phone. He has been showing some effort lately. I just expect that NC means NC- including NO PHONE NUMBER>< = Yea I know I a making a big deal out of something so trivial- however, what other reason does he keep her # for if not to contact her????? NONE I do not care what he says...

No, you are not making a big deal out of something trivial. NO CONTACT IS NONNEGOTIABLE, PERIOD. You are rationalizing again, he's not accomodating you, he is LYING to you. Your problems are way beyond the phone number and until you really get a grip on reality here, nothing anyone says to you is going to make any difference. PLAN B is way overdue.

H must seek professional help is there is to be ANY hope of marital recovery. I about fell over when you looked up the clinical definition of "sociopath" and then said that it hit the nail on the head as far as your H. No kidding.

**** What are you going to DO about it?****

What is going to happen to your kids?? Seven year olds do not need to be responsible for their little brothers BMs , this is a minor accident, don't let it get to the point where there is a MAJOR one. Don't you see where this is all heading? You have to have a PLAN. What's it going to be? KB

I keep noticing something in all your posts.

On one hand you're hoppin' mad about him keeping the OW's # on his cell phone under a false name.......and then you go on to say that you can see a small amount of progress.

IF he's still lying to you and trying to keep things from you.....how can you see ANY progress at all.

Any amount of his sucking up to you means nothing if he's still contacting her.....or even if he still has her #.

There cannot and will not be any progress until he has completely cut the OW out of his life. He's not willing to do that.

You are taking all the little nice things that he is doing and you are using them to mask over what he ISN'T doing.

You say you are afraid to be alone but then again you say that things weren't as stressfull when he was gone....things were nice when he was gone.

You say your afraid of being alone.....but you don't seem to realize that you are essentially alone NOW.

When you really think about it.
What is HE doing for YOU?

EVERYONE here understands what you are going through.....we've all been through it at one point or another. Some of us put up with more than others.

As far as your mother is concerned. What she did may have not been the best of choices......and I know you don't like her right now.....but she is the only mother you will ever have. Hell....my mother HATES my husband....and he doesn't even know it. She is respectful to him around me....because she loves me and she respects the choices I make in MY life.

I agree that she probably sees alot of herself in your H.....but she needs to realize that the hatred she shows for your H just reflects back onto herself....as she's done what causes her to hate your H. Sounds kinda like the pot calling the kettle black to me. I don't think it has much to do with your H not getting them their breakfast in the mornings.

I don't think she did it to hurt you or because she thought you wouldn't either.....I think it was done simply to piss your H off. JMHO

I think your H does certain things....like keeping the OW's # in his cell phone....just to piss you off. That's not to say that he doesn't contact her....I bet he does. But he knows that you don't like it....so he keeps it there. It's all a game.

THEN....he does nice things for you....because you obviously get over things really fast.

My H used to do this too.

He would do something that he knew would piss me off....then he would do something nice for me that would make me forget about what I was mad about before. That gave him some time....until I remembered what I was mad about again.....and then it would start all over again. It's a cycle game. It will keep on going until one of you puts an end to it.

I'm not trying to hit you with 2x4's or tell you that you are diong anything wrong.

Maybe it would help if you looked at YOUR situation a different way. Look at if from someone elses point of view....and then see how you feel about it.

That's what I had to do.....and then I was really pissed at myself for letting it go as far as it had gone.

JMHO.....but you and your boys would be better off without your H in the house.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H must seek professional help is there is to be ANY hope of marital recovery. I about fell over when you looked up the clinical definition of "sociopath" and then said that it hit the nail on the head as far as your H. No kidding.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Knewbetter- when i wrote it hit the nail on the head, i was replying to the posters definition of it, not the clinical. I am not sure if I would agree with the clinical definition....

I plan on talking to H tonight- given he does not close.

Mrs. Priss-
Thank you for your insight.

I had a type-o I did not mean to make it sound like his changeing the name was him making progress, I meant that was NOT okay, and makes me very angry (not surprised, just angry). The other things he is doing makes me think that he is making progress.

you are right, I should look from the outside looking in./ If I were my best friend what would I think of what was going on. I will dwell on that.

Thanks

Unfortunately, KMEJ...your best friend wants to get into bed with your husband (the "swapping" thing.) So...her perspective probably isn't the best one to take on.

Instead, I think that you ought to try to see the relationship through the eyes of that little girl who wanted to grow up to be a police officer.

What would she think about the life she sees you living? What would you say to HER when she asks you why you let this happen?

That girl deserves better. You owe it to her to muster up your power and change your life.

AndrewA-
point well taken.

YOu know I went back and reread some of my posts- It is rather depressing. I should just go write for a soap! No all kidding aside- it is rather sad to think about what I have posted.

KMEJ..

One teeny weeny correction...

I DID post the clinical definition. You asked what it meant and I told you precisely what it meant..then advised you to look up anti-social behavior.

Noodle

oh-okay- well it did sound at the time that it fit. I will have to go look it back up and see again. Brain is fuzzy right now. Sorry.

If I remember correctly- it is some one who is antisocial with interpersonal and anger issues.

If I am way off base sorry

T,

The man you described is pretty much a textbook sociopath. If your picture of him is accurate...I think you need to protect yourself and to realize that it is going to be very difficult to get him to "change."

Why? Because he cares only about HIMSELF.