WH just sent me the following e-mail (see my signature block for those not familiar with my story):

"We should discuss at some point if you want me to move into the guest room (it can be the one in the basement so the real guest room can be used for company) so I can take care of some things. The closer you get to the due date, the more I will worry. I would hate for you to be home alone when your water breaks, etc. We can discuss more this weekend."

Of course I want him home, but not in the guest room. I want him to come home and work on our M so we can be a family. But would having him home in any fashion be better or worse? If he's there he'll be able to see what he is missing and might bring us closer together. He's not seeing OW so I'm not worried about that. Plus it would be a big help having him home these last few weeks and after the baby is born.

Does anyone see any negatives?

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

Big negative. What's he doing??? Negogiating rent a room?

About the broken water heater or equipment? Does he think that his mere presence will halt all eqipment from breaking?

Hm.... seems like what he is really saying is his needs have to be given priority in YOUR home. R U willing to take back a person with this type of attitude?

L.

If you are wondering about whether this a good idea if he is not actively working on your marriage, then, please just read my thread. I am struggling with the consequences this choice right now as we speak.

NOT a good idea. He will continue with his disrespectful behavior, just in YOUR home...and trust me, this is much much worse than letting him be a crazy AWAY from you and your baby.

Plus, then, he can be a mooch, a cake eater, and will have the ability to nurse his guilt, without really being accountable for FIXING YOUR MARRIAGE AND GROWING UP!

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: SerendipiT ]</small>

Pssst, Orchid, I think he was referring to her impending due date, not the household appliances.

I have to agree with the others. If he is not moving home to work on the M, then I say no moving home at all! I agree it is just another from of cake eating, only this time with EXTRA FROSTING!!

If he wants to be a H and a father then GREAT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
If he wants to come home just to experience the birthing process- what are you going to do- play house, pretend there is no love there? THis would be way too hard on you in these final weeks. Besides what are you going to do when he decides to move back out again?

I would hope letting him move back home would change things, and the baby might be a bandaid for a while, however bandaid's eventually lose their hold.

Sit and talk with him. IF his only reason to move home is to be a temporary help to you- I say you will be taking 5 steps backwards, and will hurt you more in the end.

MY best to you.

Orchid - I had to laugh at your reply, he was referring to MY water breaking when I go into labor with our child. Unless you were referring to me as a broken piece of equipment (I do feel that way some days) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The thing is he hasn't been disrespectful in the last few months. He goes out of his way to be kind to me and will pretty much do what ever I ask (except of course work on our M). He seems to be taking baby steps towards coming home, but just can't do it for some reason. He comes by every weekend and is spending a lot more time with me. He tells me what he is doing and who he is doing it with, even though I don't ask. And I know he's telling the truth because most of the time its with people I still talk to and could easily check up on.

Then you say something like,

"I would LOVE to have you here at home, but I will only accept a true homecoming, where you are committed to our M and committed to working out our problems, I deserve that, and especially the baby deserves that. I won't let you come home only to have my heart broken again."

I'm of the opinion that when he is ready to commit and work on the marriage, it is then when he should be allowed to move home.

And yes, I see several negatives and causes for stress that you probably don't need in your life. First, it would be real easy to slip into comfortable routines and the issues never get addressed. Second, if he's not committed, can you stand to have him parade around you daily knowing that you can't have him. Third, and excuse me because I don't know your story, but if you have other children it will breed false hopes in them.

IMHO it would be a good time for a talk about what would be required before he was allowed to move home. If your looking for a room-mate you can put an add in the paper, but I suspect you'd rather have a husband....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kloe72:
<strong> Orchid - I had to laugh at your reply, he was referring to MY water breaking when I go into labor with our child. Unless you were referring to me as a broken piece of equipment (I do feel that way some days) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kloe,

My deepest apologies.... you are NOT a broken piece of equipment..... he is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

On the other hand, it sounds more like he is trying to eases his guilt and come back without consquences.

The ball is in your court, do you really need a broken piece of equpiment in your basement taking up space? At least you need to be able to babble enough to shake him from his frame of mind that he is indespensible to you.

L.

Kloe,
As you know my husband moved to his sisters about a month ago. He still was coming home on the weekend. His last visit home he slept on the couch for the first time ever. I died inside. I felt so rejected. I wanted so bad to cuddle next to him. But he totally didn't want me even to hug him.

He is now spouting stuff off talking about coming home but staying on the couch or divorcing me but living at home for the kids. I did not handle the rejection well. Which lead me to LB and also break down many times. As much as I want him here I want him here with me. Not as my roommate. I admire how strong you have become. And I hope I get to that point soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Only you can decide what your able to handle. But if he comes for awhile and decides to leave again after you are both settled you will have to go through the same emotions and hurt all over again. Take care.

Thanks everyone for their input. I so desperately want him to come home, I guess I got a little excited. But just because I want him home does not mean I need him here. It would make my life so much easier for the next few months but you are all right, I need to think beyond that time frame. Of course one of my biggest fears has been that I will be home alone in the middle of the night when I go into labor. These last 6 months by myself have been so hard. While I am not happy now at least I am able to get through most days. I don't want to go back into the depression I was in 6 months ago, it was so hard to crawl out of that hole.

We are going to talk this weekend. Which we have needed to do for a long time. I couldn't find a way to bring it up so it is good that he has. Now that he has, hopefully we can get some stuff out in the open and see where we are.

Kloe,

Do you have anyone else that can come stay with you for a week or two before the baby is born?? A friend, mom, sister or SIL??? My mom is planning to stay next week with me. With your first child a lot of people go past their due date and have to be induced. I went two weeks past. Labor takes awhile usually to progress and that should give you enough time to call your husband to take you to the hospital. Take care.

I'll also have to agree with the others.
Letting him come home without an agreement to work on the marriage is just setting yourself up for minute-by-minute reminders of the pain you must endure. I know you're thinking that if you can just get him home, you'll be able to get him to work on the marriage. I wish it were that way. And maybe, 1 in 100 times it might help. But those are odds at least I would not gamble with.

Kloe,

I agree with the others I'm afraid. He is fence sitting and being incredibly unfair to you, OW or no OW. He is helping you with the house and pregnancy, so what, hired help could do the same.

You have been without romance or passion for atleast six months now, afraid to open your mouth.

You need a man who will lift you to the degrees of intimacy, passion, frindship and security that you deserve. He needs to cr@p or get off the hopper in my opinion.

I know you are waiting until after baby girl arrives to make a decision on your marriage, and it is your decision too, not his alone . It's like you have put everything in his court and you waiting idly by until he makes a move in the direction of recovery.

I love Stillhere's words. I think you should use them in your discussion with him.

And Kloe, I was home alone when my water broke late at night after working all day and tired to the bone.

I still had time to find dorkhead at the bar and drive the hour and half to the hospital.

And then another 21 hours of labor before my baby was born <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Wellllll..... just to be different...

My WW came 'home' to 'help with our child' without any commitment to work on our marriage.

Slowly, ever so slowly, we are growing closer again. It's not easy and I get a litte frustrated with it, but nonetheless, things seem to be going in a good direction.

What if...

What if you let him come home. What if being together without the stress of 'working on a marriage' actually allows you to beging rebuilding some sort of relationship?

And to be honest, I can't think of anything that'll bring some profound glue to a relationship more than having a baby together.

Plus, as you say, it'd be good to have some help.

dewt

Dewt - Finally someone who said what I wanted to hear! Actually I have been thinking about this all night. What if this is his baby steps toward coming back to our life together, his way of testing the waters? Everyone says you can't work on the M if you don't live together, that seperating is the worst possible thing. Even SH says seperating can be dangerous in that the WS may never come home. So how do I turn down an opportunity to get him home?

I'm not going to make any decisions until we talk this weekend. I need to force him to start to think about our future, whether alone or together, and stop living day to day. With the baby coming any time now, we have so many decisions we have to make, i.e. what to do with the house (way too big for me to take care of by myself if we do D), daycare, visitation, what to do with the dogs, just to name a few.

Actually, Dewt and I did a similar thing 5 years ago after his A....

Instead of separating and living apart then, we had our own bedrooms...Dewt moved into the spare room....

As a BS, it gave me that safe place to go...I could rant and rave, cry, wail, wish to die, plan, scheme, hope, despair, etc...but I could do it alone...without Dewt there to witness any of it...and it gave us each a "neutral corner" to retreat to if and when we needed it...

It was only for a couple of months....but it helped enormously (I felt) and should have actually continued beyond what it did...I always felt we "moved back in together" too early...

Now in this incarnation....5 years later, we each have our own rooms again...

As a WW this time, I still feel the need for my own space...a safe place of retreat for me...I love having my own room...I can't imagine not having my own room.....my mental health crumbles without a serence place of calm to go to....

As you said Kloe, don't make any decisions until you speak...for now...go look at the room, imagine his stuff in it...give yourself a 'visual'...

how close to the baby's room would he be....would he wake in the night and be of help to you?...can you 'visualize' yourself carrying on 'life' in an almost surreal and twilight zone-ish kind of headspace with him there physically, but not being 'together'....

In other words...can you picture yourself living with a roomate....specifically, HIM as a roomate???

It may inded be a situation where he 'wants to have his cake and eat it too'...but .....you can always discuss, then give it a try with a contingency plan if it does not work out (ie: he will need to make other arangements)... see what he thinks of Harley's POJA...and discuss implementing it...

as for my own situation...the future is uncertain..but I DO know that I believe my son deserves to have both parents there in the morning and at night...he has done nothing to deserve the removal of either one of us from his daily routine....and as long as we can provide that for him, whether 'married' or not, in whatever 'freaky' living arrangement it has to be,......I will do it....I will at least, make the attempt...I told Dewt straight out, that I would live with him as a roomate for the next 10 years if that is what it required to raise our son...

it is not that freaky either...actually, many separated/divorced couples are choosing to co-habitate/share a house/live next door/duplex in order to co-parent and give their children a live of more 'normalcy' (ie: both parents overseeing daily routines)...these parents live their "private lives" in just that manner..."private"....there is no pretense for the children...they are aware of the situation, they know their parents are no longer together, but they understand that they have chosen to still raise their children together as a team...still a 'parental unit'...the children are important enough to put other, personal aspects of life on 'hold' while adjustments to the situation are made...

well, at least that's what Today's Parent magazine and internet resources say....

just my "been there, done that, didn't learn, so I'm doing it again" 2 cents....


Dylan

kloe...whatever happens you need to have a clear pictur of what your arrangement with your husband is.

My husband asked me to come home a little over a year ago(he now claims he never did ask me!). I came home full of enthusiasm and put 100% into saving our marriage. I soon found out that this was not the arrangement that he wanted. he said that i was taking things too fast and that he just wanted to be friends and to wait and see what became of it. I can tell you that this has been the most frustrating and upsetting year of my life. Please be very very clear about what the arrangement is and what your ultimate goals are. It looks now like we are about to separate again with all the pain that means for all in the family.

It does sound to me like your husband is trying to slowly work his way back into family life with you. Make sure he opens up so whatever goals and expectations you have, are understood by each other. I wouldnt want you to go through the pain Ive suffered and continue to suffer.

All the best for the baby:)

Debra xx

WH sent me an e-mail today to see when I was available to talk this weekend. I am taking this as a good sign as we are both conflict avoiders and the fact that he is actively trying to set up a time to talk is good. Plus he volunteered to clean the house for me this weekend. At this point, this is the best gift I could ask for. All I want to do when I get home from work is lay on the couch. I think I am getting bigger by the minute.

I deperately want to have a R talk with WH to see where we stand but at the same time I am always so fearful at what he will say. I know, we can't let our fears get the best of us. Easier said then done!