Is she ever going to go away?

How do I get OW out of my bed?

I'd really like to be able to enjoy sex again.

It'd be great if she would dissipate like the specter that she is.

This..simultanious broadcast..full stereo surround sound leaves a lot to be desired..one of the things that leads me to question if this recovery is doable in a permanent way.

As it is..creepy and gross.

I'm not having sex with her around forever.

One way or another.

Noodle

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I'd like to know too <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> How do I get her out of my head? Why do I have to think about her all the time? When do I get my life back? I want to have sex with JUST my husband but it's the three of us all the time. I feel like it's the three of us ALL the time all day and all night. I know it's just me, but how do you change?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{noodle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

wish I knew what to tell you.

Ditto that.

I am tired of seeing her and hearing her.

I know too much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This..simultanious broadcast..full stereo surround sound leaves a lot to be desired..one of the things that leads me to question if this recovery is doable in a permanent way.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am wondering that too.

Is there some sort of exorcism, do you think?

Do you think the spectres are similarily tormented by visions of us?

I try to recall how cunning and manipulative she was in getting to him- because she had to be, as I do not. And how desperate to have latched onto another womans husband. And how low- to have done so without regard for his relationship with his child. To have actually used her, in our case.

She is almostto be pitied.

Maybe we could burn them in effigy.

Shul..

Are they haunted by us? Wish I could say that I thought so..but I haven't seen/read anything to support it.

Seems for OW..I only sort of exist, and probably you too.

Noodle

OMM is still in our bedroom. Sometimes he’s right in bed with me. Sometimes he’s over by the door. Once in a while he’s rummaging around in the closet. I’ve heard him in the bathroom more than once.

No matter how hard I try to evict him, he slithers around me and hides in a corner where I can’t see him. Then he slinks out into the room at the worst possible time.

Whenever S_ turns me down for SF, he’s laughing and smirking so loud I bet the neighbors can hear him. Whenever S_ agrees to SF he pokes at me so hard so I can’t perform.

I am beginning to think he will always be here, somewhere. I don’t know what to do any more.

I feel exposed and unsafe.

Everyone says time, time, and more time. It’s been 11 months since DD2. How much time will it take?

Yes, I need an exorcist.

Or a lobotomy, perhaps?

T

Thos,

For me the 2 year mark is in March..and I don't think she is going anywhere.

MarshaR mentioned that it is always the three of us, all of the time..and I second this.

Frustrating and sad..my only exclusivity cast away for a pair of open legs, now I get to share forever it seems.

The sheer horror that her presence brings, is beyond my ability to articulate or really even comprehend.

We have been to a lot of the same places. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Noodle

The other day he told me he would like long hair on me. I almost asked him if I should dye it red, change my name and get a script from her while I am at it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

If I don't deal with this I see a deadly LB coming his way.

Or a (psuedo) revenge affair.

I may not be able to keep this up much longer, bed-wise.

The best outcome would be for him to come to despise the thought of her.

I think I can pray for that in good conscience.

Noodle, you terrify the life out of me but I'm going to answer anyway.

If OM's w gave me the power you are giving this OW, she would be a very foolish woman.

OM adored his w and if I thought that thoughts of me hindered her recovery I would be horrified.

And, conversely, OM is not hindering our recovery. He's GONE, GONE, GONE.

Jen (cowering in fear - seriously Noodle you do that to me)

Noodle
She isn't there. Your fabulous, near poetic descriptions are wasted on me FOR ONCE.

She isn;t in your bed, the bathroom nor your Hs heart.

She is away in a world of guilt and regret and never casting a thought upon you apart from maybe envy now and again that you drive permanently what she could only steal and joyride.

Why do you choose to summon her image when you make love? Is it to remind yourself what a horrible thing your H did just in case you might release yourself to ENJOY having him again ?

I am early in recovery compared to thos and you , and who knows how my head and heart might be affected in future but I know that OM isn't in my bed. When an image DOES attack me I just think "yeah but Squid's here making LOVE with ME. She chose me".
And what Jen says about empowering OW is so very true.

In the same way that we BS had to take back the permission we gave our WS pre-a to make us happy, we can also choose to take back the permission we give to OPs to make us hurt.

Course I'd still pay good money to be able to beat the sh1t out of OM but NOT 'cos he's in me head or my bed. just cos it'd be fun... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings Noodle ( and Thos).

Jen, A quick question. I don’t understand why/how OM could adore his W and have a lying, sleazy affair.

What is his justification for the A with you?

Does OM’s W even know the whole sordid story, or is OM like mine and still lying through his teeth to his W?

T

KJ,

"Noodle, you terrify the life out of me, but I'm going to answer anyway"

Answer away, I bear no personal animosity toward you.

"If OMs wife gave me the power you give this OW, she would be a very foolish woman"

How do you know she doesn't? Do you think she would confide this very personal wound to you? Read above..I am not alone in this dilema.

"OM adored his wife"

So...he was screwing you in celebration of his adoration? Hang on, I'll get some confetti. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

"If I thought that thoughts of me hindered her recovery, I would be horrified"

Chances are good that you should be horrified

"OM is not hindering our recovery"

If you are certain of that, then please ask your H how he accomplished this, inquiring minds want to know.

"Jen [cowering in fear- seriously Noodle, you do that to me]"

Jen, honestly, I'd cower in fear if I were you too..chances are good that someone has you in their crosshairs..just isn't me.

Noodle

Thos, it's sort of weird, the justification.

I left OM when we were teenagers for someone else because OM was very "easy come/easy go" about our relationship. We never had sex. When I left him he was devastated in a way I have never seen anyone devastated before. I had sex with the boy I left OM for and told OM (ex b/f at that time) I had.

After the person dumped me I went back to OM as a "friend". I had no feelings for him but knew how he felt about me. Still no sex.

I met my H and knew I had met the man I could spend the rest of my life with. OM then gave up and soon after met his future w.

When OM had the A with me he was getting back at the person I left him for, he was getting the sex he never had as a teenager. He seriously did adore his wife. He was proud of her, he thought she was beautiful, he just all round adored her.

I have no idea if that makes any sense at all.

Jen

<small>[ November 16, 2004, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ. ]</small>

Noodle, just read your reply. I'm well aware I'm in someone's crosshairs and it's the first time in my life I have been.

H accomplished it by being unconditionally in love with me and sure of my love for him.

Simple as that.

Jen

Bob..

"Course I'd still pay good money to be able to beat the sh1t out of OM but NOT 'cause he's in me head or my bed..just 'cause it'd be fun"

I hear that. I'd cut her fingers off just to amuse myself..so seeing me seriously p*ssed is not a healthy plan for her I think..and seeing her would indeed make me seriously p*ssed. Best she just cut a wide path around me. I have taken precautions in that area as well.

KJ..

Yes, there IS a discernable..though twisted logic there.

As if he were somehow OWED sex from you. Which would really offend me..but I obviously am not privy to the dynamics of your relationship together.

What he failed to notice is the complete removal of the only person who BELONGS in any equation that includes both sex and him.

Some leftover highschool bullpokey he hadn't laid to rest yet..and *POOF* all over for her wedding vows. Poor woman. Too bad that bit wasn't in the brochure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle, I know it was all crap and stupid justification. On his part and mine. It's all so in the past now for my H and me.

I shouldn't really have got involved in your post. I just don't want you to give her power she seriously doesn't have.

Jen

KJ..

Neither your presence nor your posts have offended me, by all means stay.

You are correct to a point..

she..as in herself..personally..does not have any power over me..care for me..or even necessarily any ill will toward me except in a vague and competition oriented way

but.. ****SHE****

As in..OTHER..that OTHER who intruded and is yet with me..in my dreams..

..and my flesh

and our flesh together..which is not together us any longer but together apart.

She who co-raided my life and took what I can not have back..she haunts me indeed.

And when am I afraid that I am not also angry?

Whistling past the graveyard
Armed for bear.
It's all for nothing
There's no one there.

Noodle

:::Everyone says time, time, and more time. It’s been 11 months since DD2. How much time will it take?

OK, I'm feeling a little tentative about speaking out because the chair I'm standing on, is balanced on another chair which is standing on a table which is eaten out with woodworm. So, if I fall, in the next some time soon, please don't hold me to anything I'm about to say.

Noodle, Thos, et al, who are wondering whether *time* is all it's cracked up to be? I am 2yrs plus 2 weeks post d-day (but who's counting?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and I am begining to feel a change in my 100% Noodle attitude. In fact Noodle, you sound pretty bad to me at times, but I actually think I've been consistantly worse than you - courtesy of loads of free time and nothing to do but think. (living in Asia without kids, extended family or friends, and not working).

So, it doesn't just go away poof! It is starting to fade a little. I didn't do anything to cause my own improvement. I can only assume that the grief process is doing its thing. I never thought it was possible to heal and I'm not sure that I ever really will. I felt trapped in a situation that had no solution. I couldn't stop feeling the worst pain I'd ever felt in my life and feeling like I was watching my H's A from the front row of the cinema, 18 hours a day. (I've averaged 6 hours sleep for the last 2 yrs)

Noodle, your ability to express the graphicness of the betrayal is second to none here. But, even you will in time experience a change. I am starting to think that it's inevitable that we heal, regardless of how horrific the betrayal and the affront. Centuries of betrayal exist before ours and sayings like 'time is a great healer' have come about because they have been found to be true. There is nothing to do but endure 1. denial 2. bargaining 3. anger 4. depression 5. acceptance.


I have been thru too much pain to claim myself healed. NO WAY. I'm just happy that I've had a few weeks with what feels like the begining of the acceptance stage. A few days ago I slipped and it seemed like I was back at the coal face - but unlike the other times I pulled back and didn't do a repeat performace the next day. So to me, this is almost knuckle biting stuff. Is it the begining of the end for me? Will I achieve the impossible? I really can't say, but I just wanted to share with you that just because you cannot see it happening, doesn't mean that it won't.

Other people who've healed, tend to present their healed state as something that you can DO. e.g. follow MB principles and get a perfect marriage. This would never have worked for me. I had to do the stages of grief and if my marriage didn't survive the process, then tuff luck! I do not believe my marriage will be better than ever. I am starting to wonder if it might eventually be nearly as good as it was (simply because we are so compatible). It will never be as good as it was, never - but this too is part of the acceptance phase.

AN

:::I just don't want you to give her power she seriously doesn't have.

You and your husband have your retirment savings and you meet a man who has a great scheme that will double your money. You trustingly hand it over and he quickly disappears with the lot. You just lost years of effort and hard work, not to mention your belief in humanity.

Two years later after endless agonies - fears for your future, sleepless nights, anger and disappointment that people feel OK about taking what isn't theirs, the police find the man and they get back $230,000 of the $700,000 you lost. The rest is gone. He lived well on your money for the last two years.

Does he have power over you still? (in this scenerio he doesn't even have to go to jail). In an ideal world you would just forget about him and the $470K that you lost - but it doesn't work like that.

AN