AN

Yes, it's really true. Would it speed MY recovery to be able to vomit on the person who poisoned me? Almost certainly..but I must consider the person with whom I'm dealing. If your H has the emotional fortitude to withstand that and not withdraw you are fortunate indeed..I on the other hand have had to leave a trail of M&Ms for my H to be able to express his true feelings on any matter, rather than just tell me what he thinks I want to hear, and I value this more than I want to purge. I admit it. He is skittish and I will not chase him off so that I can have a temper tentrum <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Really? That's what it is. Me stomping my feet and whining like a little girl. YOU CHEATED! NO FAIR!! I"M TELLING!!

I need a place to do that though. I need that release so that I can deal with the REAL issues at hand in as unbiased a manner as possible.

Did my pregancy contribute? Definitely. I was so tired and nauseated that my reserves were being drained at break neck speed. This is almost surely WHY I arrived at the jumping off place when I did. I needed it to end one way or the other pronto . I was too tired and ill to continue on as I had been. It was time to fix it or kill it.

As for hormones...well..yeah. I get pretty weepy, in a funny, kind of silly way. I cry at touching moments on the simpsons..and I do become more emotionally vulnerable and available and ahem..how to say...sexually charged..during pregnancy. If it were up to H, I would always be pregnant <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> In theory, I know that the answer to every question isn't sex..but during pregnancy [especially the last trimester] it really seems to be. Phone bill came, let's have sex. DD has the flu, how about some sex? I just stopped by to bring you lunch..and sex. It's a little ridiculous, but he wasn't complaining.

I think the relationship progresses well with the method I employ..because it isn't that he is being spared knowledge of my needs and sadness and feelings..he is being spared the bad behavior that I would LIKE to use to express my needs and sadness and feelings. Sometimes, when I allow him to..when I feel brave enough to expose those nerves, I can let him console me. I wish I were always strong enough to do that, but it's such a difficult thing to do..to show those wounds to the person who inflicted them and let them change the bandage so to speak..unnerving.

I have recovered from pain in the past..truly recovered. I can not only expose the nerves and scars..I can poke them, rub them, jump on them or kick them and I find that I have reached true indifference. The question for me is..can I reach this point while remaining married and vulnerable to the person who caused me to need to recover? I would love to be confident that I could..to lay down a blanket assurance..and yet a part of me knows that removing the offending person from my life allowed me to heal because they simply could not hurt me again, ever. How to heal when another blast may well be just around the corner? I think once something like this happens, you must admit that you really have no way of sussing out just what another person is willing to do to you. My H has asked in suprise "You don't think I'd do that again , do you?" I had to respond honestly "I didn't think you would do it the first time, now I don't know how to measure where your boundaries lie, and it scares me"

Another thing about hormones? Yes, I AM very affected by them, but I also posses a great awareness of this. I can actually say "I'm due to start crying in about 3 days" or "I'll probably be edgey tomorrow, don't be suprised if I seem stressed and irritated" I can feel the surge, and I usually just let H know and retreat to some much needed privacy. I'll go for a walk, or to bed early..things like that. I sort of avoid people when I know that I'm not feeling very friendly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for the progress we have made as a coouple..honestly there is nothing more that I could ask. He is already volunteering to do everything that I would ask him to do unasked.

Any further demands would be very like telling him if you love me make the sun not come up [shout out to cymanca]

I think Thos may be correct. It may be protective measures. Whether those measures are necessary or unfounded is the question at ahnd..and I don't think anyone has the answer, not today, not yet.

Noodle