Hi FM,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> guess i might as well just completely make myself vunderable to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly!!! This is an ACTION... it's not going to be easy for you, but you can do it!

I totally agree with CJ... you need to connect with your H by sleeping in the same bed with him... but stay true to your own new boundaries of your sexuality.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi FL,

I've followed your story quite closely and would like to say that I really admire your courage and perseverence. It took an ENORMOUS amount of courage to confess all of your past actions to your husband. Also, I really beleive that you are somebody who has managed to change themselves. Often, I try to change certain attitudes or behavioral traits in myself only to realise after a period that I am falling into the same old pattern. It is incredibly difficult (almost impossible) to change our destructive behaviours but you seem to have managed it. Given all of this, what I am going to say will seem incredibly harsh and insensitive but please beleive me I am just trying to give you an insight into the way your BH might be feeling by taking myself as an example. I am not saying that your husband is the same as me or trying to disrespect you in anyway.

My wife and I have had frustrations with SF. I often don't feel that we were active enough in this department. I have really tried everything I could think of to increase her libido, whioch isn't bad mostly, but sometimes we will go through periods where we don't have SF for 1 month or more. During my worst days I have considered getting my SF elsewhere. Although I have opportunities to meet other people, I would never want the mess of an affair and an EA, it would just be purely physical for me. So even when I consider going elsewhere, I consider doing it with a "working girl". Now I have never paid for sex in my life and do not intend to start now, but it is a dark little fantasy I have to "get back" at my wife for when I am feeling extremely frustrated. Now here is the painful part, during this dark fantasy of mine I never considered having intercourse with these women, just oral sex. Now this probably stems from something Freudian in my head, but, I would only have intercourse with somebody I have an emotional attachment to. Oral sex would be just about me getting my satisfaction, as my "partner's" satisfaction would not matter to me one way or the other. In a sense, a "working girl" is not good enough for me to have intercourse with. Now, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a crass a**ho*e, but given your promiscous past perhaps you have gone down quite significantly in your husbands esteem. Perhaps he had you on a sort of pedestal and you are no longer the same person to him.

(edited out of deference to RIF... I said that I didn't know how to say it without sounding crass!!)

Sorry I don't have better advise on what to do going forward, but I hope that maybe I have offered you some useful insight into a man's mind (or perhaps I'm just sick!).

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: CuriosityKilledTheCat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CuriosityKilledTheCat:
<strong> Now, I don't know how to say this without sounding like a crass a**ho*e, but given your promiscous past perhaps you have gone down quite significantly in your husbands esteem.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, your comments that follow this statement are crass and not helpful...

CKTC... Please consider editing your post. Your perspective on this is valid, but I don't think that your comments are very helpful to FL or her H right at this moment.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

As a BW at the beginning of the mess, I feel that only time and trust can help. You can probably get all the tests possible but if he doesn't trust you between tests, what's the use?

My WH is still sleeping in our bed. He doesn't seem to think anything of it. It IS a big and comfortable bed. When I think about getting upset, I remember that married couples sleep together. We've been sleeping in the same bed for a long time and before the A, no sex was happening anyway. There's no anger at being in the same bed. I think if he didn't sleep there, I'd feel like an even bigger wall had been put up. However, if he did want sex, I would be angry. I would feel used. I don't know when I'd be ready for it.

I think a quick touch and cherishing actions could speak volumns. Try a footrub or neckrub. A special dinner. Do something nice for him. Pentance or a way to show him you care? Try to be a GIVER. Try a hug. Always say hello and goodbye. Something like that would go a long way for me. It could really help the healing process.

Hi CJ, thanks for posting. Yes I see what you are saying in regards to how he cannot trust himself. and i think you are right. he had no idea about any of this. and i think that thought shakes him up too. am i that good at lying or did he not bother to pay enough attention? i think when it came to my activitiy on the internet, it was the latter. do you think he struggles with that idea or do you think he concludes i am just a really good lier and does not even consider he was very unconnected?

i am not just talking about the changes in me, i believe i am showing him in my actions as well. i suppose only he can be the real judge as to how well i am showing him, that is if he WANTS to see any of the changes. he has to choose to want to see it. maybe right now he cannot do that but hopefully in time. maybe he is seeing it but cannot acknowledge it for a while. come to think of it, while the roles were reversed and i wanted out of the marriage and he was fighting to keep me, i was paying very close attention to his changes, but it did take a long time for me to accept them as real.

i do know they are real. and quite truthfully i look at that as a miracle in my life. i have tried to change behaviors before too, this is different, the core of me was changed, and not by me, but by God. i had to be open to it though, i give myself credit for all i have done this past year, but i also give God so much thanks for bringing me home.

it always comes back to the same thing, i need to increase my ability to be PATIENT!!!!

to my defense, it's not like i am beating him up trying to force him to get over it. i do want him to start rebuilding with me because as you say, there is so much rubble here.

he does not want IC or MC, he does not want MB, he has not wanted to read. i don't want him to just get over it, but i also don't want him to choose to do nothing. last night he told me, he hopes in time the scars won't hurt as much as they do now but he does not believe he will ever truely heal and he does not believe he will truely ever love me the way i want. he wants to stay married, however, he wants the kids to have a complete family, he is glad i have re-commited myself to the marriage. but he does not think he will ever want to be truely close to me.

then this morning he gave me a back rub.

his words are harsh, but his actions are not sometimes they are, but not always). i know he wants to recover.

i told him exactly what i said i was planning on telling him. i am his wife, and i intend to stay that way. i want to give him pleasure, i confessed i judged him and asked for his forgiveness. i told him i knew he was not the type of person that would use another for physical enjoyment only. i told him i knew he was very hurt due to my actions. and i was not going anywhere.

that was at about 3pm. at 11pm he told me what he said. then this morning he gave me the back rub and said he would read a book about affairs.
i am skipping one thing. this morning i told him i would not do well in a relationship that has too much distance, that is a fact. i will be able to cope better now. i'm not so sure we are doing the kids a big favor as he thinks. that is when he responded with a back rub and the offer to read.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now the REAL question is whether you are willing to be considerate of the partner you have hurt and give him the same amount of time to adjust and deal with it that you gave your own self.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes CJ. i will give him the amount of time he needs. thanks for the much needed reminder.

i've been told to not get into the lets get over it attitude. i didn't really recoginize that is what i was doing. i'm still not sure. i feel like i do need push us towards recovery actions to some extent.

CKTC, i did not read this until after you edited out the worst of it. the bottomline, i do know that my H would NOT use me for purely physical pleasure. that is not what he is about, never has been, never will be.

Hurting Carol, thanks for posting too and for your suggestions. I hope your H recommits himself to your marriage and you both recover.

It sounds like he needs reassurances other than just testing. Have you asked him, "What do you need from me to begin to trust me again?"

It may be simple or hard things...like...no more using the computer, or call every hour, or tell him you love him.

This will not last if he can be reassured, if he can begin to see you are trying. It is still pretty fresh...3 weeks...it will get better, slowly, as long as you both are working at it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> then this morning he gave me the back rub and said he would read a book about affairs.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get him a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder...

It sounds like you and your H are doing OK... you will continue to have many ups and downs, but again, try to focus on the facts...

Semper Fi,
RIF90