Passion,
Check out posts of Thos member # 32928. His wife had a 10 yr. affair.

Passion, It can be overwhelming to deal with what you're dealing with. There's a lot on your plate and I understand the place you're coming from and your point of view. In case you're interested, here's a site with a private forum and a less judgmental approach. Take care of yourself.

another place

STOP! Passion, this one's for you: "Lord, forgive her; for she knows not what she does."

Or is that really the case?

You've come here on MB looking for an answer on what you should do in your bizarre love traingle. For some insight on your dilemma, right? Go get yourself a cup of coffee before you sit down and read this, then.

I've been there. So many MB'ers have. (Take a look at my thread a few pages ago when I first came here. Sound familiar, huh?)

I haven't been posting much, as i am now dealing with the pain that my choices have inflicted on my W and family. Right in the middle of it. And, now, because of those choices--because of the dishonesty--and, not telling the truth is lying--I may not have any chance for the woman I so want to be M to. Did I "know" that during my EA (and even before?) NO--or so I thought. Same questions as you are asking same "situation" as yours.

I counted over 10 "I'm so in love with him" (et al) in your first three posts. Who are you trying to convince, passion? You're not doing a very good job with us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me it isn’t a fairy tale or fantasyland, it is two people that really understand each other and have the same wants and goals in life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, but you're trying to rewrite it that way. The only thing left is the ending, right? I am pleading with you to stop, and take a break from this OM. Take a hard look at [I}you.[/I] You probably won't understand this now, but the OM is nothing. He is stringing you along. 10 years?!?!? If this is real love, why didn't he divorce his wife way back when, and why did you marry your H? Don't answer it. Not now. Oh, maybe you actually did see something in your H. Maybe you did choose the right mate? Don't answer. Not now. But how, can you answer any of this, with that third wheel hanging onto you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately it wasn’t in the cards for us...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You really need to think about this --what you said. These are all of your choices. How dare you say that and not take accountability for choices you make. (And this passion, is very difficult for me to say. I've been there--I'm still there in alot of ways.)

There's no way to change the past. Get over it. (I twitched while I wrote those words.) But, from one WS to another WS--ain't gonna change what you really did, all the choices you made. How are you going to handle those choices?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...the reason I came onto this site is to possibly meet someone that has had the same situation as I and help me understand how to get past the hurt in my heart because of the feelings that I have for this man.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you hurting if these feelings are "true?"
Yes, you can answer that one. Oh, wait. Let me. The "feelings" are not true--your confusion, frustration, maybe even despair--are. Don't look away from those real feelings in the hopes of finding them in soebody else. They are real. You have real problems in your M. It's not the end of the world. It starts with you, passion. Then your H. But if you keep this going with the OM, it will be the end of your M. And what did you accomplish? Brushing your problems under the perverbbial rug? Escaping instead of confronting real issues in your M? What's really real here, passion?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that in some ways I have blocked myself from having a healthy and happy relationship with my husband and I realize that that is something I have to work on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep realizing. The world isn't perfect; neither is your M. It's OK to admit mistakes. But, what are you going to do about them? Hide them and run to some other OM that you've been sharing them with? Guess what? THE PROBLEMS WILL STILL BE THERE. Within YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I just cant seem to get these feelings out of my heart or my mind for the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My poor, passion. Wish there was something I--we--could tell you to snap you out of it. What you're doing is only creating pain. Hard thing to demand, but you really need to trust me on this one.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by passion1_87:
[QB] I am not as bad as a person as you people are perceiving me to be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, just misguided, in lala land. This OM is not reality. HOWEVER, the pain you are causing for all, IS.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe now that I am older and want more out of my life I am starting to realize that I need more I work to hard and do to much and basically get no appreciation from my husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you realize what a contradiction this is? "Maybe now that I am older..." And, please refresh, when did you start this A with the other man? This is what everyone means by "rewriting history."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Set aside the OM.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You haven't, so don't even try to pretend with that. See? You really need to face reality, passion. I'm not saying that cruelly. I'm saying that from experience. I have done everything to myself and my F to try and escape and hide. You need to face the harsh reality--REALITY--of what your decisions are doing.

I wish I had more time to respond to you for now--I don't. I need to go repair what damage I've done--all because of the same reasons you cite and try to make us believe. Passion, it ain't happenin' here--or anywhere. Take a stand and face the reality you have created.

Best wishes, God bless.

LINY

I forgot to add: it may be worth rereading suzet's first two posts.

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it even though it doesnt seem like I am listening...I am! I am taking in every word!

This may be callous but...

I don't think this is for real.

Chackler,

What makes you think it's not real?

I don't know, it's a vibe I get. I could be totally wrong.

Passion knows what she is doing is wrong and she's listening to what people here are saying... But she isn't posting any actions she is taking on her part to fix the mess that she's in.

Passion, I could be wrong. I understand your feelings, I really do. There comes a point in time though when you need to ACT. What are you planning on doing to repair the damage you have done?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by passion1_87:
<strong> He has nothing to do with my marriage going south it has been this way for a long time</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he has EVERYTHING to do with your M going south! OM has been the third party in this M from the get go! Because of this, you have not even given your M a chance to work

Chackler, this is real and I came to this site yesterday for help. I dont know what i am going to do, I do know I have a lot of thinking to do before I do anything. I need to get my head on straight first before I can leap into anything with my husband. I have been sharing alot of this with my mom who happens to be a psychiatric social worker for the city we live in and she has helped somewhat but there still is alot of things I havent shared with her. It is very hard to come clean with the skeletons in my closet. I never set out to hurt anyone and I do know full well what I am doing I guess I am just confused and lonely and talking on this site is helping me see the way things should be. So it is very real I just dont know what to do yet!

Passion,

I applaud you for realizing that you have a lot of thinking to do. You're not going to be able to think about this situation clearly, however, as long as you are still emotionally tied to the the OM.

You need to cut that cord in order to see this situation objectively.

Passion, do NOT use your mother in her capacity as a professional counselor.

GC

Well,
If you want to get your head right, maybe try having absolutely no contact with the other man. See a counselor other than your mother and talk to that counselor about your thoughts and feelings. Try that for a while to get your thoughts sorted. You see at the moment you are quite addicted to the other man. You will find it excruciating not to contact the OM.

Try to look for the good in your H. I think it would be best if you caome clean with your H, but if you insist that you can't do that yet, then start by giving up the Om and getting some counseling.

You state that you are in a lot of pain at the moment. If you persist with the present status quo, then that is what you will continue to get, more pain. Try something different. Expect more pain at first. Giving up something you are addicted to is not easy. Have you ever tried to stop smoking? Similar.

While this OM is in your heart and you mind, your marriage will never be all it could be. Give your marriage a shot.
C&S

Passion,

Welcome to MB. I hope it helps your troubled marriage.

I have to tell you that the OW in our relationship had a husband just like yours: unemployed over a long time and an absolute zero in helping with the house, the kids, whatever.
OW, like you, worked two full-time jobs AND had to get the kids off to school, do the housework, go to PTA, etc etc etc. It was insane and, as far as we know, still is.

Point is, NONE of her emotional needs were being met by her H, and neither are yours. But allowing another man to fill them is definitely not the answer.

So you've had this emotional/sometimes physical affair with this man who hangs in the background of your life for years on end. His marriage isn't faring very well, either, but he is never likely to leave his wife (not just his son) for you. Ever.

Your marriage to your husband doesn't stand a chance unless things change, and change mightily:

1. You go NO Contact with OM for LIFE. No phone calls, lunches, emails, or any contact with him or his family whatsoever. And you tell him it is because you want to make your marriage work.

2. You lay it on the line with your husband that you are NOT superwoman and he needs to change, too, and make your marriage a partnership. It can't be 90/10 anymore. It's 50/50.

3. You get into counseling with a pro-marriage counselor and perhaps even get some individual counseling for yourself to help you understand why you would put up with so little for so long from your husband.

4. If you give it your all and a year from now you see no permanent changes in your marriage, perhaps you start talking with a counselor about an exit strategy to help every cope with the demise of the marriage.

Then you move on, without OM (remember he is not going to leave his wife for you and his son is only an excuse. You'll have to take our word on that). You create a good, stable, loving home for you and your children and then if Unmarried Mr. Right comes along, great!

I hope you find your path, Passion. You certainly deserve better than this!

~ Snow

PS. I highly recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs," by Harley for both you and your husband. Your needs are screaming for attention and I bet you'd be surprised to learn that all of your working, cleaning and cooking might not even scratch the surface of what your H's biggest emotional needs are. Read the book, you'll see what I mean.

Snowbelle has some wonderful advice for you. Makes a lot of sense if you REALLY absorb it. You keep saying you don't know what to do. Yes, I think that you do, you just don't WANT to do it. The fantasy addiction with the OM is just too wonderful to live totally without.

I think the suggestion to read His Needs, Her Needs is very apt and I would also recommend Love Languages. You may think you are doing so much for him b/c of the housework etc. and none of that speaks love to your H. I know that was the case with me. I wore myself out making the perfect home, providing the money for H to play while he went to school full time. Meanwhile I was not able to meet his real nees: admiration, affection and sex to name the top three. Guess what? HE had the A, not me! That really hurt b/c I thought I was doing everything for him. I actually resented him and all the while he felt I did not love him and needed more. The OW was available to meet those needs, and off they went.

You really owe it to yourself to get educated on the nature of affairs. All the thinking in the world is not going to help you because you are in the fog and you don't know reality from a hole in your head. That is just what happens, nothing personal about you at all. The OW in my H's life was very like you, felt she had given all to her H and that he hadn't done anything to make her happy. When he found out about the A he tried to work on the M with her. She thought my H was going to leave me so she divorced her H to show MY H that she was serious. She had two preteen daughters who were devastated. Financially the divorce put all of them in much worse circumstances--from living in a house to a rented apartment. My H is back with me working on the M, she and her H are divorced....

Passion,

I want to emphasize to you that an involvement with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t have to include sex before it can be classified as an A… Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust. If you look at my signature line, you will see I was involved in such a “betrayal without touching”. I can’t even begin to tell you how damaging & hurtful my EA was to ALL parties involved (including myself).

I think you need to know what constitutes an EA (Emotional Affair) and PA (Physical Affair):

An EA is an “Affair of the heart” and includes the following:

1. Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

2. Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

3. Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

A PA includes any physical activity or touching you wouldn’t feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse (like kissing, hugging, petting, etc.).

Passion, I think it’s clear to you now that you were involved in an EA and PA with OM. Currently you still having an EA with OM... Your involvement with OM includes ALL THREE factors above that constitutes an EA.

Please read the following from this website (written by Dr Harley) – maybe it will help if you get the facts straight for the horse’s mouth:

HOW SHOULD AFFAIRS END?

There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one's spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place.

Granted, that's not the way most affairs end. In most affairs after the passion peaks, the spouse and lover simply drift apart, the victimized spouse usually never finds out about it and the lover is often still in the picture, occasionally getting back together again with the unfaithful spouse. Some affairs are discovered by the spouse, but even after discovery, the affair often continues unabated until it dies a natural death. If that's the way your affair ends, even if your marriage survives, it will probably not amount to much.

You may feel that after an affair a marriage doesn't amount to much anyway. But the way I suggest ending an affair in this Q&A column will give your marriage the greatest opportunity for a complete recovery.

Some affairs are "one night stands." They usually take place when a spouse is away on a trip, or when one has gone out partying without the other spouse. These relatively loveless affairs usually happen when people drink and lose impulse control. Alcoholics are the ones most likely to have these flings.

Other affairs start as a caring friendship and develop over years to become a complete relationship that solves most emotional and practical issues for the couple. These relationships become so complete and persistent that spouses are eventually divorced, and the lovers are united in marriage.

But most affairs are somewhere in between one night stands and relationships that lead to marriage.

Affairs usually take place because they meet important emotional needs. But most affairs meet only some emotional needs not met in marriage, leaving others that are being met by a spouse. That fact usually rules out the possibility of divorce, at least for the spouse having the affair. The wayward spouse knows that the lover, for some reason, is not able to meet some of the needs met by his or her spouse. So most affairs are never intended to lead to divorce and remarriage, but are "safety-valve" relationships that satisfy a need not met in marriage.

Affairs are intended to be kept secret

Having drawn the above conclusion about the nature of affairs, it should be obvious why most wayward spouses would like their affairs to go undetected. Not only do they want to avoid all the unhappiness that goes with discovery, but they also want to continue the affair as long as it meets needs not met in marriage. In most cases, a lover only meets one or two emotional needs, while the spouse meets others. Unfaithful spouses usually don't want their marriages to end, and yet they want emotional needs met that the spouse does not meet. Discovery of the affair, in most cases, would ruin the "solution" to their problem.

But there comes a time in almost every affair that an unfaithful spouse realizes that it has run it's course, or it wasn't a good idea to begin with. In some cases, it's the lover who ends the relationship, finding that the spouse isn't living up to expectations. And in other cases, it's the spouse that ends it when the disadvantages of the affair begin to outweigh the advantages.

In most cases, affairs end peacefully and in secret. By their very nature, there is not much of a commitment to hold them together, and a desire to do the "right thing" is usually the excuse an unfaithful spouse uses to end it. But the real reason is usually that the affair has become more trouble than it's worth.

We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.

Should an affair be revealed?

I have been letting you in on some clues to infidelity when a spouse is unwilling to be truthful. But there are a few, of course, who are honest enough to tell their spouses about an affair without being confronted. Guilt sometimes sets in right after the first sexual encounter, and it continues to build as one lie is added to another. Depression follows guilt and it's not unusual for a wayward spouse to even consider suicide as a way to escape the nightmare he or she has created. As an act of desperation, honesty is sometimes seized as a last resort, often in an effort to relieve the feelings of guilt.

From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

If you knew that your affair would be discovered, you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

How to Get Through Withdrawal

Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.

Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.

It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care.

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi Passion,
I have been following this board for 8 months or so, and tonight I was sparked to finally register and chime in.
I too, came here for help. I started reading EVERYTHING on this site.. bought some of the books. Yet I never posted. WHY?
I have been suffering through serious problems in my marriage that bothered me greatly. I did a search on the internet looking for "marriage problems". From there I was led to this site. I had hoped to come here, post, and certainly not expecting sympathy, but hoping for reasoning and thought provoking advice that might help me resolve the issues troubling my marriage. And what did I find when I stopped in? A thread just like this one. Someone who was scared, confused, troubled, and reaching out for a hand that could help, just as I had hoped to do, and quite possibly, what you were looking for as well.
Instead, the person was met with such condemnation, ridicule, anger and spite (as if SHE was the actual OW to these women) that she was never helped, and resulted in me never posting about my concerns as well. I'm sure that you are questioning the choice that you made as well.
I saw that this site was supposed to be a "Christian SUPPORT Forum", and thought that I may have found the answer to some pretty desperate prayers on my part. A loving, christian attitude full of hope, help, caring was not what I found. Nor the original poster. I don't believe that I've seen her post here again.
I think that several of the older posters on this forum fail to see the good that they could provide. People with dire marital issues, come here, seeking advice, help, guidance... and instead, they receive instant negative responses. Do they achieve what they hope to? Are they here to run the sinful out? Are they the keepers of the forums "morality"? Instead of gently asking questions to find out how they might turn someone from the "A" path into "Marriage Building", the denouncing negativity is stronger than any message that they might hope to convey.
Some come here to get help as the BS.. others come to find out why and what they've done. But it seems as though this site can only cater to the BS.
Yes, I have sinned. Have you?


PS. Passion, if you want to talk... try contacting me through this site.

Hi Passion,
I have been following this board for 8 months or so, and tonight I was sparked to finally register and chime in.
I too, came here for help. I started reading EVERYTHING on this site.. bought some of the books. Yet I never posted. WHY?
I have been suffering through serious problems in my marriage that bothered me greatly. I did a search on the internet looking for "marriage problems". From there I was led to this site. I had hoped to come here, post, and certainly not expecting sympathy, but hoping for reasoning and thought provoking advice that might help me resolve the issues troubling my marriage. And what did I find when I stopped in? A thread just like this one. Someone who was scared, confused, troubled, and reaching out for a hand that could help, just as I had hoped to do, and quite possibly, what you were looking for as well.
Instead, the person was met with such condemnation, ridicule, anger and spite (as if SHE was the actual OW to these women) that she was never helped, and resulted in me never posting about my concerns as well. I'm sure that you are questioning the choice that you made as well.
I saw that this site was supposed to be a "Christian SUPPORT Forum", and thought that I may have found the answer to some pretty desperate prayers on my part. A loving, christian attitude full of hope, help, caring was not what I found. Nor the original poster. I don't believe that I've seen her post here again.
I think that several of the older posters on this forum fail to see the good that they could provide. People with dire marital issues, come here, seeking advice, help, guidance... and instead, they receive instant negative responses. Do they achieve what they hope to? Are they here to run the sinful out? Are they the keepers of the forums "morality"? Instead of gently asking questions to find out how they might turn someone from the "A" path into "Marriage Building", the denouncing negativity is stronger than any message that they might hope to convey.
Some come here to get help as the BS.. others come to find out why and what they've done. But it seems as though this site can only cater to the BS.
Yes, I have sinned. Have you?


PS. Passion, if you want to talk... try contacting me through this site.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>A loving, christian attitude full of hope, help, caring was not what I found.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mizz, this is a very generalized assumption... I agree there is some posters who react with anger, condemnation etc. but if you read this thread (and all the other threads on this forum) very closely, you will see that there are many loving and Christian posters full of hope, help, caring etc. as well…

On this thread passion has already received some thought provoking advice & posts without the anger and condemnation. Further you must understand that many of the posters here are BS’s who are still very early in recovery and in a lot of pain and hurt… Yes, these BS’s are very angry – they still have all those negative feelings to work through – and it’s understandable that they will sometimes project these negative feelings on WS’s/FWS’s on this board. I don’t say it is right or fair of them to react this way... It is just UNDERSTANDABLE...

Also, some posters believe in “tough love” and a hard approach. Other’s believe in a soft and gentle approach. Depending on the situation, both approaches can be successful at times.

Remember, this board is full of people who are in different stages of recovery and have different emotions & experiences.

I hope you will find the courage to post your story and let us help you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 03:49 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

passion:

" Isnt a marriage suppose to be 50/50. "

No, marriage is supposed 2 be 100/100.

The only way out of this is truth, honesty, and disclosure.

Here are the best definitions of truth, honesty, secrecy and privacy I've ever found:

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.


The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

-ol' 2long