My WW told me of her A about five weeks ago now. Since then, she has told me three times that she would end all contact with the OM and has fallen back on her promise.

I went away last friday night to be alone and clear my head, she called me 15 times in one night. When I got back, she was thrilled and we had a great Saturday. Sunday, she was depressed and just a mental wreck.

Last night (after a great Monday night)she wanted to go out to dinner. Five minutes into dinner she tells me that she wants to be honest with me about something. She tells me that she called the OM yesterday and if it is ok with me, she would like to go see him for a few minutes last night. She said that everytime she sees him or talks to him she begins to see the A for more what it was than her future or something bizarre to me.

I told her that I understood how she felt, but that I thought the only way for us to make it through this was for her to have NC with the OM and that her contacting him had really set us back. She agreed to not go see him and said she was sorry she brought it up.

We had a long argument when we got home and I told her that it is not fair to me or us for her to continue to have contact with him and stay with me. She agrees but says that if she stops seeing him completely or talking to him that I can expect nothing of her. She will go to work and come home and go to bed. She acts like a five year old telling you they're going to go in a corner and hold their breath until they turn blue. I don't see how we can have such good and then such bad days, sometimes I think she is bipolar.

She says she wishes I hated her. I told her I love her and that's not going to change, but that she does have to stop seeing him. She says she will break all contact, but is convinced it will 'kill her inside'. I had asker her to leave her cell phone at home when she went to work, but she took and said she was not going to contact him and there were payphones at work she could use anyway and that she didn't want to drive 45 minutes each way on the Interstate without a phone. I reluctantly agreed.

So, as it stands, she says she's not going to have contact with him from now on, but that I should expect absolutely nothing from her. Did I do the right thing?

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 06:38 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

Hi there,

YES you did the right thing!!!!

Think of the affair as an addiction. She is addicted and she's not seeing clearly right now!

This is what we call the "Fog" and I'd like to tell you not to take her "spoken words" seriously right now.
I'd also like to tell you not to trust her right now either because I'd say this is the "trickest" time and many affairees do "fall" and contact OP again.

Even if she says that you shouldn't expect anything from her, I'd advise you to read all you can about Plan A and to do it!

Give this time and patience and I know it takes alot of strength to do this but it does work.

But it is definately the right thing to ask for "NO CONTACT" with OP!!!! NO calls, NO emails absolutely nothing.
Every contact whatsoever throws every chance of "recovery" onto the "garbage!" (believe this, no matter what your wife tells you!!!)

take care and keep posting here.

bb

Thank you for the reply. I really needed some affirmation badly. This Plan A stuff is so tough. I promised no more relationship talk, none of it..but then she has to bring up that she talked to him and wants to go see him.

I suppose I have to look at it this way, if she really wanted to be with him and done with me, she would just go see him..not tell me she wants to when she knows I will say no...it's like she wants me to make her stop seeing him, knowing full well that I can't make her do anything...it's all up to her.

Let her know that this is "hurting you".

Plan A is definately tough but the true purpose is to "stop the affair"!

Therefore, really read all you can about it.
Do you have any of the mentioned books???
"Surviving an affair" and books written by Steve or W. Harley. I can highly advise them. Get them as soon as possible but don't make the mistake and try to educate your wife. Do this for yourself right now.

Hang on................. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> were're going to help you through this.

Take good care of yourself and when you feel like venting, come here and "LET IT OUT!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

bb

one more thing: Is this OM married?????

He is separated from his wife, D is supposed to be final in a few more months. I called him two weeks ago and told him how I feel about my wife and marriage...all our friends and family know..

I have 'Surviving an Affair' and read about the first 80 pages last night after our fight...

So, to do the right thing in Plan A, should I stop kissing her, telling her I love her, etc. We have been doing those things...there was sex the first week or two after the A, but not for two weeks now...

I am just not sure how to act..when I do little things like bringing home a single rose, making her breakfast, etc. she says that it makes her mad, that she doesn't want me doing nice things for her because I am 'trying to win her over'. I tell her that I am only being myself and doing what I feel like doing.

When someone tells you that the reason the A happened was that you didn't pay attention to them, you neglected them...how can you help but want to make them know how much you care?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurting Hoosier:
<strong> He is separated from his wife, D is supposed to be final in a few more months. I called him two weeks ago and told him how I feel about my wife and marriage...all our friends and family know..

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Separated means still married. She might very much mind that her H is having an affair. I would verify this information from his W yourself because it might all be a lie to put you off track. I would suggest getting ahold of the W and talking to her about the affair. Even if they aren't together, it would certainly shake up the OM.

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 06:44 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>
Separated means still married. She might very much mind that her H is having an affair. I would verify this information from his W yourself because it might all be a lie to put you off track. I would suggest getting ahold of the W and talking to her about the affair. Even if they aren't together, it would certainly shake up the OM. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point, I really think it is 100% my WW contacting him..sure, he is willing, but she is initiating everything at this point.

Does she let you "kiss her?"

I find it's really important not to appear "clingy" this can be a big "turn-off" for woman.

You might want to "back-off" a little when it comes to "showing" your affection. Don't overload her with gifts because it really might be too much for her right now.

The fact that she gets mad for you doing good things to her is probably due to "guilt". It would surely feel better to her if you reacted mad and angry. But this again would give her good reasons "why" she had an affair.

Do you have an idea what her #1 Emotional Needs are???

From what you have written she does need signs of affection but maybe not just right now. Emotional Needs do "switch" abit depending where you are in your marriage.
Right after d-d, my husband didn't want to be huggen and he didn't want me to get near to him.

But within time he "loved it again!". He has always loved this gestures but not just at that time of our relationship.

Just try to stay calm and "listen very carefully" to what she has to say. Don't question her feelings right now because as I said, she is confused and in the "fog". Not much will make sence to her right now.

Do you remember, what it was that got her "attracted" to "you" when you first met???Think about this............it sometimes is the key to bringing back "that attraction" she once had for you.
But don't pressure her too much right now............

BTW, how do you know that OM is getting divorced??? Did your wife tell you this??? Do you know OMW????

bb

HH, she couldn't contact him if he didn't let her. He is just as responsible. And if his W knew about it, she could help end the contact from that end. And his W needs to know that he took their kids to hotel room with a strange woman to spend the night. Contacting her could very well put an end to this real quick.

I agree completely with Melody!!!

The only way I know he is getting divorced is what my WW told me, so I suppose that is suspect as well.

The thing she really tells me is that she needs space and time to decide what she wants. She keeps saying that she hasn't had 24 hours totally alone to sort things out since all this happened. That is true, with work, etc. that's a hard thing to get.

I asked her a few days ago what it was that he did for her that I hadn't or couldn't. Her answer was nothing. She said it was just that she could look in his eyes and see that he loved her..but that now she could see that in my eyes too. She has said many times that if she had only known I cared this would never have happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong> I agree completely with Melody!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear you, and I suppose at this point I have nothing to lose. So, contacting the OM is immune from Love Buster rules? Obviously, it will piss my WW off...

The only thing she needs "space" for is to carry on her affair. Don't fall for that, HH.

I would get ahold of the OM wife TODAY and fill her in and get her feedback. The OM may have lied to your W about his supposed "separation." Do everything in your power to end this affair!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hurting Hoosier:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong> I agree completely with Melody!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear you, and I suppose at this point I have nothing to lose. So, contacting the OM is immune from Love Buster rules? Obviously, it will piss my WW off... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats not a lovebuster. It's ok if your W gets mad. Plan A doesn't mean you avoid doing things necessary to end the affair just because it makes them angry.

I am on it! I will post back with results of the conversation!!!

I'd even say: It's not a Lovebuster, it's a "dash of reality!!!"
That's what gets them mad!!!!!They don't want to face these things and they don't want to be confronted, that's for sure.

It's "bursting the fantasy bubble!" and they don't like that because "nothing" makes sence to them anymore.

We're here for you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
bb

<small>[ November 17, 2004, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

HH, I know what you mean when you say that it's like arguing with a 5 year old. My WW is the same way. We are both 27 but I think emotionally and relationship wise she is a lot younger, at least thats what our MC says. My WW also is wanting a separation to sort things out. I'm trying not to let that happen, because of the reasons stated by BB and ML. Hang in there man!

Native

Hoosier,

Just by way of encouragement...I think that contacting the OM's W is absolutely essential to cracking this.

In my case, the OM's wife knew about the affair -but didn't tell me. Both the OM and my wife disregarded her request to end contact.

It was only after I found out - by chance - that the A finally cracked.

If I had been told by the OM's wife the day she found out, the A likely would have ended a lot sooner than it did.

I really wish the OM in my situation had a GF or W, but I think he is a young guy that goes out to clubs (that's where D'day happened). All I can do is Plan A, Plan A!!