Nellie1

This is where you and I part ways <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We clearly just do not see eye to eye at an organic level, and argument is likely futile.

What a 14 year old doing the taxes means to me..is that your parents didn't have much to lose. I'm not even certain that's legal..if you mess up are YOU going to jail? Since you have zero legal standing at that age [your official name is "minor child"] the idea that you were handling legal documents chills me to the bone.

No, children, imo do NOT get to have a say in the use of discretionary funds. They learn to handle money by observing the habits and mores of their parents and later beginning to handle their money and expenses in preparation for adulthood.

Your mileage may vary,

Noodle

LU,

If your children know what is going on and are asking questions, I would not out and out lie to them but if they don't know I wouldn't volunteer.

Let me tell you why: Your affair was a one-night stand and your wife's affair with you was a long, long time ago. So there is no OW lurking around and acting crazy. You are your wife's OM. What they learn about you and your affairs are going to impact them for the rest of their lives. It is going to effect how they see relationships and how they trust. If they see their Dad (who all little girls look up to as a perfect man) cheating and acting like a single man then they won't expect anything better for themselves. Do you want your girls to grow up and be hurt by their husband or partner?

Maybe your girls will be okay with all of this info (but I doubt it). The question will be to what degree is it going to affect them and their future and their future relationships.

In my defense, I have not viewed teen porn. I think there has been some exaggerations in this forum. Majority of porn sites will have the word teen printed all over the site. I think porn sites do this just to get attention and draw men into the site. There have been times that I have visited sites and pop ups would be coming from all angles. Some of these popups would have the word teen mentioned in them. That would then be posted in my temporary internet files on my computer. That is what my wife has seen. She has scanned my laptop on many occassions and found the temp files.

And yes, I adopted my oldest daughter. I feel that I have been a good father and I have never made sexual advancments towards her. Unfortunately, it sounds like the statistics are against me for making sexaul advancements since I am not her biological father and now that I have viewed porn.

I agree with others, my actions will speak for itself on how this marriage can improve. I am in this 100% and willing to do what it takes to make my marriage work. I love my wife and know that only time will tell the story. I just finished His Needs, Her Needs and I am also reading Everyman's Battle, Winning the war on Sexual Temptation. I really thought I knew my wife and her emotional needs. But, I have learned that I was a long ways from that.

Thanks for all your input. I will continue to try and be the man that I am suppose to be. A Godly man.

Just participating in this message board has given me a place to air my thoughts and get feedback from other Chrisitians who have been in my shoes has been a relief. As I woke this morning, I felt less alone. Because my own immediate family is so dysfunctional and lives in Missouri while we are in NC, I have felt really alone. My husband has the support of his parents and siblings - who all know about the adultery and porn. Of course, they love him unconditionally. It hurt me to hear his Mother immediately question me and why haven't I been taking care of him in the bedroom? Reminder - she also had an affair when my husband was a teenager and my father-in-law forgave her and rebuilt the marriage. That's why I thought talking to them would be helpful on the day I found out about my H pursuing our daughter's teacher and the porn. My husband has purchased a software program called "webroot" to hide the porn and, believe me - it was no easy feat to uncover his tracks.

In the book I'm reading by Fred Stoker, Every Heart Restored, I read that there are internet filters that I can install on his laptop, but I feel like there is a way around those too. Does anyone have a suggestion about such software?

About the kids - I remember being a 12 year old when my parents' marriage disintegrated. I know that kids act like they are asleep and are really listening as closely as they can trying to discern what's going on. They are much more intuitive than people give them credit for. I would never use the terms I did in my post last night ([censored]) when talking with them about what's happened, but I do think it would be a good idea if my husband just simply explained that, in addition to the porn addiction, he was unfaithful to me - mostly on his business trips but also acting like a single man even in our town. He was flirting with our 11 year-old's teacher in front of her and was sending the teacher e-mails (that he tried to delete and hide from me) to invite her to go for runs with him in preparation for a 1/2 marathon. This teacher works at Hooters in the summer months and is an attractive single woman. I think that she may have only seen my husband's advances as his being nice - but I'm not really sure. My husband is the one who created the situation where he didn't really do anything to "protect the children". I'm just wondering how to bring his mess full circle and let the kids feel like they have a voice and can ask questions or express themselves.

Regarding the 16 year-old - one week my husband is confronting her boyfriend about being unfaithful and calling him a "player". The boyfriend has gotten together with his ex-girlfriend twice since they've supposed to be "exclusively going out with each other" and the girlfriend called our daughter to let her know. The next, he's buying women drinks while he's out of town, hoping to get them to come back to his hotel room. After his actual one night stand a year and a half ago, he contracted herpes and has been taking Zovirax regularly - which he has delivered to whatever hotel he's staying in. This again makes me wonder if he's been completely honest with me about the "one night stand". Sure, it's possible that he got herpes from this one night stand - but he says he wore a condom. I actually have my doubts and think that he's probably had more women than he's confessing about.

Here are the dichotomies of our life:

H blocks MTV and other inappropriate content from the kids TVs - but he is perusing porn sites all the while.

H belittles me when I took a stand against several of my girlfriends who were going through mid-life crisis and having affairs on their husbands. This affected his friendship with their husbands and now we no longer vacation with these couples. All the while, he was doing exactly what the wives in these relationships were doing too.

H acts like an upstanding "Godly man" and has been going to church, helping me with Powerpoint in our Contemporary Christian service, making our neighbors think he looks like a healthy Christian father interested in traithlons - all the while, he's trying to get into the pants of our 6th grader's teacher.

I know he is trying to be a Godly man now and that my prayers will be hindered if I don't forgive him. This is just a lot to digest and at the same time try to "protect the children".

Sorry for the long posts and swings from negative to positive attitudes - I'll try to post more later. I have A LOT of reading to do of Dr. Harley's articles on this website. I am reading his book Surviving an Affair and I really appreciate the posts. My husband is coming home today from TX and we are gong to share our Personal History questionnaires - we already did the Emotional Needs questionnaires.

Is there somewhere on this website that gives meaning to all of the acronyms? OW, BH, etc?

The are posted on the Just Found Out board, just at the top. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LUW,

Please don't take this wrong, but you strike me a s very judgemental person. I think you need to step back and talk to your H about how he feels about your relationship, his behavior, and the porn use.

If you made it safe for him to talk to you about these things openly, then maybe you both come to an understanding of what's driving his behavior.

JMHO, you have involved WAY too many people outside of your relationship in things they shouldn't be involved in.

You certainly should not involve your children and I wouldn't involve family member any further as well.

This should be kept between you, your H, and a qualified counselor. If you seek to embarrass your H further, you will drive hi behavior further underground and you will ultimately lose him.

You cannot control your H's behavior. Putting a porn filter on the computer in an attempt to do so is futile.

All you can do is tell him when he hurts you and make sure he understand what you limts are and what you are going to do to protect yourself if they are crossed.

There is nothing new under the sun, LUW...
discuss it openly like adults. Don't use shame as weapon...it will hurt everyone in long run.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> I'm not even certain that's legal..if you mess up are YOU going to jail?

No, children, imo do NOT get to have a say in the use of discretionary funds.

Noodle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course I wouldn't have gone to jail - my parents, not I, signed the returns after looking them over. It is no different than having your Uncle Bob help you with your taxes, as long as he isn't a professional tax preparer. I did the taxes because I enjoyed it, and because I was good at it.

The concept of NOT having the children have a say in the spending of discretionary funds is so completely foreign to me that I can't even begin to understand it. Would your children or teens also not have any say in what you have for dinner (especially when they cook it), or what you buy at the grocery store? Obviously if they wanted lobster or peanut butter sandwiches every night, the parents would likely overrule them, but if they wanted to have a hand in making up the weekly menu, how can that be a bad thing? Don't they get to have a say in what clothes they buy? In what color you paint the livingroom? In whether you buy a ping pong table or a new tv? Don't their opinions matter?

I can't say that I have extensive knowledge of the content of porn sites, but I have noticed that much of the spam I get on hotmail clearly states that it is adult, not teen. There is a whole group of people out there who think porn is fine, but are careful to distance themselves from teen or child porn. Why anyone would go to a porn site that included teen porn when there are plenty of sites that only include adults is incomprehensible to me. I can understand why some people think that porn is a matter of free speech, but once you step over the boundary into child abuse it is a whole different matter.

LUW, I do understand very much your rage about this, but it harms your chances at recovery to act on this rage. What you are doing is pushing your H away with disrespectful judgements at a time when he needs your help to be a good man. He is trying to be a good man, but you are constantly reminding him that he has been a bad man. That is not good, LUW, and it is not Christian. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not retaliate.

You will not forget overnight what he has done, but you damage your chances at recovery by trying to retaliate against him. He has come clean with you and sounds like he is doing his best to repent and make this right. And what is his reward? You threaten to humiliate him to his children and incessantly accuse him.

LUW, I am here to tell you that this approach will probably wreck your marriage if you don't knock it off. You are pushing your H away. He has done a terrible thing, but he has repented. You have an obligation to forgive him. I realize that this will take time and that you will never forget, but you are proposing a harmful path of retaliation in return. That is going to hurt your marriage and push your H away.

Please stop and take a deep breath. You are too angry to take any actions right now. Those of us who have been through this recognize this and implore you to back off before you cause permanent damage.

Please do some reading in order to understand the dynamics of an affair and what has led to this. But I would first ask you to read this article about lovebusters http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

LU,

As a father of two young daughters, I can't help but feel skittish when I read about the teen-porn issue.

Maybe it doesn't reflect "what you like." But...clearly you can see why your wife would be concerened about this? You need to get help for this porn problem NOW.

There seems to be a larger issue here, though. What is the NEED that is being fed by this pron addiction? I know the Internet can be a dark and tempting place. What is it that brings you there? And..is there a way that your WIFE can fill that need?

Here's a bit of my story by way of example:

Early in our marriage, I got into Internet chatting. I never formed any emotional attachments and I wasn't a frequent chatter. But, I'd get on binges where I would do it for a couple of nights in a row. My wife eventually found out, and at first, she was accomodating - telling me that as long as it stayed online, she was fine with it. But...she rapidly started to get concerned that I was getting too personal with people, and she asked me to stop.

I did for a while. And then I had a relapse. And that led to an ultimatum of sorts: I had to stop or the marriage would be in danger of ending. So...I gave it up.

But...the larger question I had to answer for myself and my wife was WHY I got into chatting in the first place. I mean..here I am, a relatively young guy married to a young, beautiful woman. I should be the last guy on earth to head to a chat room.

With a lot of introspection, though, I learned something about myself: what I really wanted from those women I was chatting with was admiration. It took me a long time before I really realized that - and even longer before I was able to communicate to my wife what I needed.

Now...she makes it a point to fill that need for admiration each and every day. My love bank has never been so full. I've never felt so confident about myself....and I have NEVER looked back.

I'd like to hope that with some introspection, you'll find that your story is similar: that it's not about SEX or sexual feelings, but a deep need that you want filled. You may not be aware of it yourself. But...it's important that you get to the bottom of it, whatever it is.

And...it's important - out of respect for your wife and daughters - that you COMPLETELY give up viewing porn inyour home. That should be a safe space for them, at least.

Andrew A,

I appreciate your comments. I am seeking counseling from my pastor and from a professional on my issues of adultery and porn. I confessed to a male church friend at a Christian men's retreat about my addiction to porn. He himself is a recovering porn addict. He has been in recovery for one year. We are now accoutability partners. I have given up the porn and have not viewed porn for over 1 month. I have had no desires to view porn.

My wife and I have really been focusing on His Needs, Her Needs and trying to met each others emotional needs. I realize that I have devastated my wife by telling her all of this, but I feel free once again. I have confessed all of these nasty, dirty things about myself and now I can live the Godly life as I should. By both of us meeting our emotional needs in the last few weeks and me trying to be right with God, I have been able to turn away from porn and any thoughts of adultery.