HELP.......

I am so sorry you are going through this. We have all been there and done that. As horrible as you feel right now, please know that one way or another it will be better. You need to be strong for your children. Your wife is sick right now and not capable of being the loving mother she once was. You need to step up and be there for your children, they need to be your focus. They will also become your strength to get through this. Start planning stuff to do with them to keep everyone busy. Invite your WW to join you, if she doesn't that's alright, you go and enjoy the time with your kids.

You can not control your WW or what she is doing, but you can control how you react. The LB's have to stop. You can do it. I know it is hard, but trust me you will feel better if you do this.

What are you doing for yourself to feel better? Exercise? Keeping a journal? Going to church? Talking to friends? You have to do something for yourself or you will not get through this time. Now is the time to plan out your strategy for saving your M. You can't keep reacting with your feelings, they will lead you astray right now. Lead with your head.

Stay strong and you will get through this. Six months ago I didn't know how I would make it through the day, I couldn't stop crying, my work was suffering, I was suffering, but it has gotten better. Time does help, so does having a plan for yourself.

I am so lost...She keeps telling me she will not talk to OM again but she does not know what she will do if he calls her at work or shows up at her job. I don't know how to help her in this. She told me to stay away from her for a few day's. she is also tired of the talks....

My soul is empty but my heart is full for her.

OMG WW is not willing to send NC letter but keeps telling me she will not talk to him again. Everytime I try to assure her that I love and care about her she say's something that she knows will hurt me. " Maybe if you were a better man I would not need OM " That one really tore my soul out and left me in the dark for a couple day's....I just don't know if I should still Plan A or Go into Plan B

Michael, you need to be in for the long haul here. You seem to be waiting, waiting for everything to become okay and stay okay and never get bad again.

It will not. It never works that way.

Remember, your wife is an addict. She's not getting her drug, and it makes her dreadful to live with. Stop all this "love me, love me" stuff. What you need is calm, cheerful detachment.

You have the time frame all wrong. You need to be up for months of this. If you can't take it, if you feel yourself starting to dislike your wife, then boot her out, sending her into the arms of OM, go to plan B, let her finish her affair, and wait for it to play out. Hope it will play out.

But before you boot her out, you need to make an investment, show her what she will be missing out on without you.

Now stop expecting everything to suddenly be okay. It is not going to. Your "love life" is going to be rotten for many months, at least. Accept it! You're expecting too much from your wife.

Don't put yourself in a position to be ridiculed by her. You're still following your instincts, letting yourself react emotionally to her words. If you can't knock it off, then you are not likely to get a chance to save your marriage.

Stop waking every day thinking, will she be decent, will she show me some love, will she be kind to me. You need to wake each day and think, I'm going to swallow her guff and I don't care because I love her and she's a big sicko right now.

If you can't do that, there's nothing to be gained from being close to her. You'll just continue to be hurt, you'll continue to get crazy and complain, and you'll be the same old BS.

Here I go on and on. I feel like you've got a head of rock, Michael. Come on, man. Open your mind up to a new way of thinking.

Your wife is at home. This is a great opportunity for you. I envy you this opportunity, but I know how tough it is. Are you strong enough? This is a time when you need to be tougher and smarter than the rest.

GC

whoops, operator error, double post

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Michael

Greycloud said it all, and every word he said is "exactly" what you are faced with.

I have been there. I know every word he said was true.

My FWW abused me mercilessly for 7 months. I learned about MB in December, last year. I was in Plan A from then till NOW, and will be in a Plan A of sorts the rest of my life.

Plan A requires serious and honest introspection of the deepest sort. What is it about ME that wasn't good for this marriage? What did FWW b&&&h about to me the most? What are things I always said I'd do, but never did? I faced up to ALL of those issues, and I changed them all for the better. My overall attitude towards what I should bring to the marriage CHANGED.

All this time FWW spewed crap. You should find somebody good enough for you. I can't ever find love with you again. OM really knows and understands everything about me you don't. I have passion with OM and feel nothing for you. It's over, we have nowhere to go together.

Know what? It hurt. But I read here that you can't make any impression by sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, and Love Busting, and denegrating the OM. I detached emotionally from my wife, although I loved her dearly, and looked at our Marriage like I was an invisible third party with NO EMOTIONS at stake.

I treated her with love and respect at ALL times. I stopped hounding her for what her feelings were. I stopped all Love Busts. I was helpful, cheerful and loving no matter what she said. I brought her flowers, lunch, cards, favorite treats, etc. I left notes around the house with little compliments; ie, love notes.

She'd always denegrate my efforts. I'd just tell her I believed in our M, and I wasn't giving up. I'd listen to her spew, then tell her I was sorry I'd let my part of the marriage down, and hoped she'd reconsider. If she went totally ballistic (which was fairly often), I smile and tell her we could talk when she was "feeling better". I bought her CD's of her favorite artists, and tickets to her favorite show. She never declined to attend the shows with me, though her heart was with another???

She's temporarily insane, sick, addicted, alien abducted, and it's NOT the woman you love. Treat her with love and compassion and DON'T LET HER DRAW YOU INTO THE DRAMA. Even if you have to cry for two hours after she leaves or goes to sleep, you don't show her any weakness whatsoever.

That's Plan A. Takes guts. Takes resolve. Takes committment. Takes energy. Takes creativity. Takes controlling your emotions. Takes a toll on you emotionally (so go run or exercise or see a movie for relief, plus posting here to vent), takes compassion, but, mostly takes love. The love you promised when the preacher said "for better or worse".

It's all in your hands. What will you do?

Best wishes
SD

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

I have been brain dead for weeks and need to have a better focus, Today she was in one of her moods as was I and I assured her that I did not want to fight and that I just wanted to let her know I was here for her. I asked her for a hug and kiss and she got teary eyed and gave me a wonderful hug and kiss.. I know, I know don't think that means she is ok. I will start to pace myself on this long journey and use this forum for venting only or advice for certain situations.

Don't ask for hugs and kisses any more.

GC

Ask for nothing. Expect nothing. Give everything. Be patient, patient, patient. Breathe!

SD

So your saying don't ask for a hug and kiss? I thought by giving this to her it lets her know i'm here for her..Well you folks are the vets in all of this..

As of tonight I will not ask for hugs or kisses and just be there for her as you have stated..

Michael, it isn't you being there for her when you ask for a hug and kiss, it's you asking her to be there for you.

Don't think of this as just a rule to remember. Think about where it comes from. Asking her to express feelings that she's confused about is not a good idea - it only highlights her confusion about her feelings for you, or her complete lack of them, as the case may be.

Kind, loving, undemanding, cheerful, and a little emotionally detached.

Consider the difference between these two scenes:

Scene 1:

Michael walks in the house, seeks out WW. Michael stands there for a minute, trying to think of what to say or do. Finally, he asks, in a weighty tone, "How are you?" He approaches his wife, perhaps to give her a hug. She accommodates the hug, but when it ends, there's more tension in the room than there was when Michael walked in.

Scene 2:

Michael walks in the house, whistling a tune. He puts his things away, says an enthusiastic hello to the children, and starts making dinner. WW approaches, asks what he's doing. "Making tacos. I decided to make Tuesday taco night."

Satisfying what ENs you can without demanding anything from your WW and not LBing is the trick.

GC

Oh, one other thing Michael.

Trying to constantly gauge the status of your WW and her emotions is a crummy idea - it shows that you expect everything to all of a sudden be okay.

She's going to be miserable for a while, and she's going to make you a little miserable for a while. So there's no point trying to figure out where she's at. She's in hell. She is supposed to love you, and instead all she can do is think about OM.

You can't fix it, not the way you want.

GC

Well Gc I like scene 2 better, and I only hope I can pull it off like you say. I wanted to get her some roses and add a fake one in with them and tell her I will love her till the last one die's.

She came home in a really bad mood. I guess some of the people she works with have found out about her affair and they noticed that she had been using the company phone to talk with OM. Understand my wife works in our local daycare with several other woman some of whom are against what she has done. Also keep in mind that our 5 yr old also attends this daycare and has done so for the past three yrs.

Three weeks ago when my wife walked out on me and the children my wifes boss and co-workers were literally in deisbelief over what she had done.

Now that they know what she has done and continues to do, they have banned her from recieving any personal calls or from using the phone.

She of course blames me for this, and I swear GC i have not sent any of the letters to disclose her affair. I do plan on doing this soon, and I have to deal with the fact she may walk out when she finds out what I have done.

My ww is still being investigated for child neglect. The CPS worker sat down with me and my wife and she told my wife that if she continues with this affair they will have no choice but to remove our children from out home, I now understand how sick my wife is because I actually think she thinks of ways to contact OM without cps finding out.

Tonight when she got home she screamed at me saying " I hope your happy , you got your wish now I do not have any way of talking to OM" and thats of course when I found out they banned her from using the work phone.

I looked at her and said i'm sorry for the way she is feeling and that I still Love her but I will not fight with her over this, and as I walked away she said " I will never love you or try to save this marriage " I turned to her and said thats ok, My love is my gift to you, except it or store it until you have a need for it. she had a very blank look on her face. I then informed her that what is going on at her job is her fault not mine, and so she should have stopped this affair before it effected her job in this way.

GC you have been my greatest allie in all of this and I'm sorry for being so thick headed. Between starting a new job and helping the children through this, I guess I have been reading much more into this then I should, I will heed your advice and any more you may be able to give me. I really need to read that book SAA...

Michael, I think you're doing better than your posts suggest. Sometimes a BS can seem to be really blowing it because he posts when things are going badly.

Let your wife figure out that all these things are the consequences of her affair. You don't need to remind her.

And now you can hear things like "I'll never love you again" and know that they're the rantings of a crazy person.

GC

On the flowers.... don't buy expensive roses and hand (confront) them to her.

Buy a pretty, inexpensive bouquet, and when she's not around, arrange them smartly on the dining room table, and don't say a word.

If (when) she asks about them, just tell her you were reminded you of her beauty when you saw them, and whistle off down the hallway.

Don't make a big deal out of anything you do, nor expect any positive responses. Keep her a bit off balance with random acts of love, without execting anything in return. Remember its not ONE act of giving that means anything at all, its the cumulative effect of many unselfish and loving acts that combine to shift her thinking.

Just give from your heart.

SD

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

I never would have thought of that, Tonight I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner, and when she got back from the store I finished I said hello to her and went upstairs to play with the kids. I will do what you said about the arrangement, thank you...

Dear MB Members,

Not to long ago I found out my wife of almost 11 yrs was having an affair. This affair tore through me like nothing I have ever felt. I served 12 yrs in the military and have lost many friends during my time, I have lost a parent and even a sibling in life and nothing has come close to the hurt I have felt then the day my wife confessed her affair to me. I knew of this affair but it never became real until she was confronted and admitted to her affair.

I have three children that I love dearly and have done everything I can in life to make them happy. At times I have not been the best of fathers or even the best of husbands. I have caused my family many hardships in life with my frequent unemployment. At time I work six months then out of work again for three and it has become a cycle of misery. My wife claims that she has never loved me and has only been with me because of the children. She admits her affair was a mistake but claims that she will give up the OM but will never love me or give me the chance are marriage so needs.

I found out something on D-Day... I discovered that I not only was madly in love with my wife but that I would not let this pain get in the way of finding my way back into her heart. Along the way I have done many things to set us back, Yelling, screaming, accusing, name calling, threats of exposure. I know this affair my wife is having is my fault and my not being a real man has forced my wife into the arms of another. I'm 36 yrs old and when I'm working I make a good salary of around $50,000 . My wife told me a few months ago that her affair ended but I knew it was still going on and I chose to ignore it and hope it would go away and of course we all know that never happens. I'm not a proud person and I don't consider myself to be perfect but I do know that I love my wife and my children and will do anything to save this family and my marriage.

I read your post on WS, and I only wish my wife would take those words and live them and better understand them. I printed your post and have left it for her to read tonight. I am so deeply hurt by this affair that there are day's I can't breathe or even motivate myself to think past the thoughts of her with another man. My wife tells me on a daily basis that she will end this affair and have no contact but for me to give up any hope of her ever loving me.

My wife and I got married because she got pregnant with my child and it felt like the right thing to do. My wife told me when she married me that she did not love me but that she would try and that all she wanted was a family to call her own. I of course fell in love with my wife the moment I met her and looked into those eyes, even to this day I remember the day we met and what she was wearing-- Oct 12th and she was wearing a pair of flower print pants with matching shirt, pink and yellow with some reds in it. That's sad that I can remember that day so clearly and yet I have trouble remembering some of my own families birthdays. I have never cheated on my wife in all of these years, oh it crossed my mind a couple times but then I felt like it would only add to the already many problems we faced.


My wife admits she loved me at one time but then over a course of many years she fell out of love with me. She tells me she was not looking for this affair it just happened. The OM is an ex that she fooled around with prior to my meeting her. I admire your rebirth of your marriage and wonder how and what I can do to help my wife see the marriage the way you do. I will admit I'm tired of fighting and talking about this affair, all I want is for her to end it once and for all and not lie to me anymore. I want to be able to sleep a full night without having a bad nightmare with the Om in it, I want my children to trust there mother again and to love and respect her, the way they used to. I want to wake up in the morning and have a reason to get out of bed. I want to wake up and look at my wife and know she is with me for me, better or worse.

I feel so lost. even now as I write this I feel so much pain and fear of what might lie around the corner for me and my wife. My daughter is so hurt that she looks like she is carrying the world on her shoulders. She broke down a couple days ago and cried on her moms shoulder begging her to stop hurting her this way. My daughter is well aware of what her mother has done and also is willing to forgive if she will stop seeing this Om. my two youngest boys look lost and confused when they hear us fight about the Om and her doing's. I don't want to fight with my wife anymore, I want to trust and love her again like never before.

Help me, Help her

I feel like any day now my world will come to an end, and in that hour I will have given up on everything.

M. Schluter

M,

This board, it's tools and your application will help you. It will help you strengthen yourself so that when the day comes that your Ws changes back to your W, you w/b ready to help her do that. If she chooses to end the M, you will be strong enough to endure it.

For the most part, it is the BS that ends up having the endurance. Kinda like the underdog makes a comeback. In many cases against the most impossible odds.

Ws and their A's are all short lived events. It is the degree of hurt that makes it seem longer.

I saw your response to Trueheart on the other thread. He may not always be around to respond. If you look at the time line, you will see it was a few years ago. Sadly when it was written to my WS, the WS' head was buried deep in someone else's azz. He did not appreciate it as he should have. Later he did but I have the satisfaction that others here have benefitted from it even more so.

Sometimes the ones we love the most are the ones who hurt us the most.

You will survive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I know this affair my wife is having is my fault and my not being a real man has forced my wife into the arms of another.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mschluter, nothing is further from the truth than this… The choice of a WS to have an A is NEVER the fault of the BS. NEVER! Yes, the circumstances in the M and lack on your part to fulfill your W’s EN’s may have contributed to make her vulnerable to the attention of another man and to have an A, but it is certainly not your fault that the A happened.

Look at it this way: To have an A is not a solution to unfulfilled EN’s and problems in a M. Your W was suppose to talk to you about her unhappiness in the M and with you, and to seek professional help with you, but instead, she chose to remain silent and react on the attention of another man.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> She tells me she was not looking for this affair it just happened.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is also not true. An A can’t ‘just happen’. Feelings can, but not A’s. Affairs is about actions and choices to act a certain way with a person of the opposite sex. There is always wrong/inappropriate actions that constitutes an A. For example, if you hug, kiss or having sex with somebody, you make a willful choice to do those things and react that way. Even if you say something inappropriate to someone, you choose those words... All these actions and choices that constitutes and A can’t ‘just happen’.

However, people can accidentally develop romantic feelings and fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if they are not on guard and careful (I know this can happen, it happened to me), but it is still the responsibility of the WS to restrain themselves and to not react on those inappropriate feelings and therefore became involved in a full blown A. Certainly WS don’t go out and looking for someone to have an A with… I’ve been involved in an inappropriate friendship/EA myself and I understand how people can unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love… I understand how EA’s can be ‘accidental’, but as soon as the WS realize the involvement is wrong and inappropriate, it's still their choice to stop the involvement and not let it progressed into something more damaging and serious.

People can't always control their feelings, but they can control their actions...and this is why A's can't 'just happen' and why feelings is not an excuse for wrong actions.

Suzet