Hi
I have posted a few times
me bs 42
wh 34
s 2
d day actual 11-04 accused 10-16
I have no information on the other woman, since I didnt have the right info the day I accused him he closed up and hid everything even more. I have exposed the A to his boss, his family, and our close friends and my family. He has not reacted that much because, he really doenst know who all knows. Several people have told him he needs to give our M a chance. But this exposure doenst seem to effect them much since I havent been able to expose her.

Any suggestions
he has not lived at home for the past week. he comes by most days to see baby and get clothes for work.

First off, you should tell him that you have exposed him. Secondly, you need to find out who the OW is even if you have to hire a P.I. or follow him yourself. You have to be creative and find out who she is.

thanks for the info, I will try but I really dont have a clue as to what hes doing anymore.

have you asked him? Also why are you letting come and go as he pleases? if he is not going to live there as a member of the family- or tell you where he is or with who, then he needs to take all his things, and make arrangements to see the baby, not when it suits him.

If you can narrow down his full name and town he lives in then go to www.intelius.com. This site is the best out there and I have found all kinds of unlisted info by just having the names and a state of residency!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused04:
<strong> thanks for the info, I will try but I really dont have a clue as to what hes doing anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not? Don't you think you should change that?

oops double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: cherise ]</small>

GET UNCONFUSED! Borrow a car from a friend and follow him. Check phone logs, credit card receipts, whatever you have to do. And I agree with the other poster, he should not be allowed to just drop by any time he chose to! He walked out on you. But you have to show you are still strong and your life goes on.One thing else, it took me hours to bust his passwords for his email. Boy, was it ever worth it. Instant ammo.

My wife calls me Columbo, wanna know how I found how who the OM was? Since I had his cell phone number, I called up customer care for his provider and told them I had a customer trying to get credit and I needed them to verify his name and address for me from records. The customer care rep asked who I was and I said "a salesman", which, really wasnt a lie, but I guess she took it as a "salesman" for them, and she said, "the address is XXX and the name on the account is XXXX". Said thank you very much and lo and behold, theres my car in the driveway there at 3am. My wife hasnt given me one spittle of info, Ive had to put it all together myself, it aint no fun, from asking her why she didnt smell like smoke after she said she was at the bar, little things like that.

Im not sure if she ever comes back Ill ever get the whole truth out of her about things, thats one of the reasons Im considering just moving on anyway, probably better for me.

Yes I ask him who it was, His cell phone is through the company he works for and i dont get the bill, I allow him to come over every evening to see our 2yr old son but he has to call first.
I just hate chasing after him and putting my 2yr old off schedule because he is already having a hard time understanding why his dad is only her between 10 minutes to 1 hour. I have an idea where he may be tonite but we just had a discussion which he wanted to talk not me and is still blaming me for not going off with him or not having the baby on a schedule or what ever I did in the past that I should have changed when we had our so called discussion even though he was a complete angel and always did what he was suppost to do blah blah same conversation a month ago. I cried because I said I deserve to be forgiven for that stuff and hes the one having the A. I hate myself for crying but he gets to me.

Okay, it is late and I am very tired, so I'm going to be hurtingly blunt. HIS AFFAIR IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! it is a morally devastating egotistical way of meeting some obscure need within himself that probably hasn't the slightest thing to do with you.
But, what ever it is, you need to stop focusing on HIM and what He needs and start ON YOU! Your mental health and the health of your child are all you can control now. It would be a wonderful thing if we could just snap our fingers and make them conform to our wishes. But, we can't. The only one you can work on now, the only one who can REALLY make you feel better is YOU!
I'm going to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... beleive in the principles here, they work. It has been over for six years for us. And our marriage is stronger than ever. Not because of his affair. Despite it.
When he told me and moved out, I took a good hard look at our lives and our marriqage the monthes preceeding his affair. I had focused on the children and not only lost, or almost, lost him but myself too. He was no longer my priority. I realized that I needed to become the non-stressed, fun-loving person he fell in love with With four boys of my own and a step-daughter you may think this impossable. But, it wasn't. Because I saw an Erma Bombeck quote the day he left. It said" I wish I'd waxed less and listened more". I, that day, really spent the whole day listening to my boys. And I spent the next two weeks crying in privacy and finding, once again who I was.
And it saved my marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cherise,
Thanks for your posts, I see alot of good here and results are good and bad, I did the same thing
with our baby, I went through so much to have him,
invetro and all that my husband did get pushed to the side and we had the baby after having 9 yrs to ourselves I am looking at the mistakes I've made and I know all I can do right now is try to make myself and our son happy, I have tried to put my H in gods hands and pray everyday for my own forgiveness for not doing what I needed to do.
Everyone here is great and Ive been reading Arks post on plan A and Im trying to get my additude in check, Ive lost 35 pounds and now going to the gym to tone up and joining a womens prayer group.
Im looking inward for answers right now.
thanks so much again and all who are posting

Hello confused and cher

Cher, I too have lost a son, he was 4 months old when he died and he would of been 15 now. So I identify with that pain. And I very much agree with your post to Confused. I would love to hear your testimony of how your marriage was saved.

Confused I really believe that in time the affair will be exposed. Read Proverbs 5 and 6. I think it's great you have lost weight and are working on yourself. Read 1 Peter 3 to see what can get back your husband's attention. Don't fuss, nag, manipulate. Don't follow him, don't check up on him. All this does is hurt you! Torment you. When he comes to see your son, be very polite and kind. Do not accuse him of anything and do not ask him questions about what he's doing. Just be sweet and quiet and keep the focus on your son and off what your problems are. I would be thankful for the time that he does stop by to see your son, that gives him exposure to you and to see if any CHANGES are in you because that is what deep down he is looking for. Read the section in this website on love busters. Pray and ask God where you went wrong and ask God for help to change you, because truth is we cannot change another person. Pray Acts chapter 9 over your husband. Read what God did to Saul who He named Paul and wrote half of the New Testament. God knows how to get someone's attention.

Pray a hedge of throns around your husband that the affair will break. Pray specifically that this affair will break and your husband will come to his senses. Prayer is all you have, God is the only one who can DO for you. God is for YOUR marriage and hates divorce and God will help you forgive and work through this. God is on your side so lean into Him. And keep up with the women's prayer group and get the women to pray "with" you for your husband. Get as many as you can to help you pray.

Even though the other woman tricked me into divorce with my ex, and I did not heed advice to not talk to her, and I did investigate to find out about her by asking questions, especially of my ex's buddies. That's how I found things out, and the buddies only told me because my ex betrayed them. Family members told me things too. BUT, in the end all this did was hurt me and push him further away.

His affair with her has ended because she accused him of assualting her and he's in jail. They had a very bad drug lifestyle too, a dangerous drug; Meth. They smoked it. I'm glad he's in jail because it saved him from the drug and now Acts chapter 9 that I prayed over him is working! And God is answering.

He does write another girl while he's in jail and she visits him. But he's writing me too. And I'm praying for reconcilation and have been in our year and half separation, we were divorced in June, like I said by trickery of the other woman because I just "had" to talk to her to get answers, and they were all lies.

God remembers my prayers that I prayed while I was his wife. And the prayers I still pray. I put out a fleece before God about a butterfly to get confirmation about the restoration and God confirmed for me. But I still get fearful it won't work, but that's the devil trying to get me to doubt God. God is for marriage. Be encouraged!!

I will pray for you.

I hope I have helped.

Also check out http://www.restorem.org

Love in Jesus,
Leah

Leah, I agree with much of what you said, except your advice to not confront or snoop on him. These are tried and true Marriage Builders principles that are effective in ending the affair. If she has to follow him or have him followed to find out what he is doing, then that is what she must do. There is no virtue in putting her head in the sand. In order for her to help end this affair, she needs to find out the facts. In order for her to expose it, which hastens the end, she has to find out WHO it is.

She also has to confront him with the truth of what she knows. This is not only for her benefit, but for the benefit of her marriage, since it places pressure on the affair, and brings her H out of his sin. It helps no one to sit silently by while he destroys himself. She has a Christian duty to her H to help bring him out of this.

Confused,

It isn't an issue of "if you can't" but rather, 'when you can'.... expose the Ws, not the OP (aka: OW).

In many cases, the family, friends, co-workers, etc. may never know exactly who the OW is. In fact, that piece of knowledge is NOT relavent. What is important is how they can be your support system to help you, your family and your M. How they can if needed, be there to assist in lending support to the Xws or H. As a WS, he probably doesn't want their help but they can still help with silent and steady support. A few hardline convos stragetically planned is also good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You can create a name for the OW or call her by her last name. I found that calling the OW I dealt with Mrs H______ or Mz. Chewed was helpful take the 1st name basis and pet names they shared OUT of my face. I also dubbed her PBR (psycho babble rabbit) a name fitting as the A went on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

wow that gives me alot to think about and sure Id like to know who she is and im sure I will have an opportunity at some point to find out. And when I do I will expose because I feel the need to do that.
thanks to you all for your advice and keep it coming.

Me and my husband were separated when I found out about the other woman. I found out from friends. Just like the Kid Rock song with Sheryl Crow..."everyone knows but they won't tell.....their half wided smiles tell me something just aint right...." Very true!! Friends and some family DO know. Don't be fooled.

I confronted my husband with his affair, during our separation....guess what...it did NOT end. It pushed him further away. It's not a tried and true method.

The other woman did me NO good, but lie and deceive me. She wanted my husband and wanted us divorced and did what it took.

When I confronted my husband with what I knew, guess what...he DENIED it.

It's different finding these things out while you are still living together. If that's the case, then it's separation till the affair ends. That's keeping your head out of the sand.

There is no virtue in snooping, sorry.

Marriage restoration, real restoration only works by the hand of God, not by what the world says or the popular vote says.

And if you want the truth, ask God. God will reveal, in His timing and the right way and God won't reveal until you have spent time with God in prayer and reading His word, no short cut. Unless you want to do like me and by pass God and go to the friends and ask questions, sneak, snoop, spy, whatever...all it brings is torment and heartache. And makes you look stupid. Gives the other woman something to laugh at you about. Read Proverbs 5 and 6 about how the other woman lures the man. Read what happens to the man who is stupid enough to be led to the slaughter. In the end the woman will become bitter as wormwood or gravel in his mouth.

You can win your husband back without a word. Like 1 Peter 3 says. He needs to see changes in you. Let him observe the Godly behavior and gentle and quiet spirit. Work on that. If you are separated there is nothing you can do to stop your husband's behavior or affair. This is a spiritual warfare that has to be fought and won God's way and no other way for true restoration, something that wall last and build trust again and no more affairs, etc. I do urge and encourage you to visit http://www.restorem.org

Love in Jesus,
Leah

I would have to disagree with ya about snooping and about confronting the spouse. First off, we have a Christian duty to confront our spouse with our knowledge and give him a chance to come clean. There is no hope of recovery until all the truth comes out openly and honestly. It doesn't help the wayward spouse to pretend like nothing is happening. Evil thrives when we stand silent.

The wayward spouse has no motivation to stop the affair if they are not confronted. Confrontation is not a magic bullet, but it makes the affair very uncomfortable and is often the beginning of the end. That is all part of Plan A.

And secondly, snooping can be a very valuable tool in resolving adultery. And that is because exposure is often the tool that hastens the end of the affair. Well, one can't very well expose what one doesn't KNOW. So, the BS has a responsibility to find out the truth.

When a betrayed spouse does not know what is happening, snooping can often give them the facts they need to confront the problem. A problem can't be solved if all the facts aren't known. Snooping can be a very valuable tool. Remember, there is no virtue in sticking your head in the sand.

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

LivinNJesus, I agree with you 100% on what you said "Marriage restoration, real restoration only works by the hand of God, not by what the world says or the popular vote says." My marriage restoration was exactly that... done by the hand of God. When we get out of His way, it is miraculous what He can and will do!!

I also agree with you when you stated "And if you want the truth, ask God. God will reveal, in His timing and the right way and God won't reveal until you have spent time with God in prayer and reading His word, no short cut." AMEN to that. This is EXACTLY what God did for me, I didn't snoop, He laid it on the OP's spouse's heart to tell me everything. And God used the situation to His Glory in restoring our marriage. So, confused, leave it all in His hands, for He knows what is best for you in ALL THINGS. Keep praying, and looking to the Lord, not man, for answers and direction. May I also suggest praying Luke 8:16 "For nothins is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad". God will reveal, and most importantly, God will heal.

May He deeply bless you.

ThroughHisEyes, that doesn't absolve your obligation to investigate and find out what is really going on. You have an obligation to do so in order to help your spouse.

If the OP's spouse had not snooped in your case, she wouldn't have had any information to give you in the first place. Snooping is a beneficial activity when used properly.

When your spouse is in trouble, you have an obligation to find out the exact nature of the trouble so it can be addressed. There simply is no reason to NOT do it if you want to restore your marriage. Having faith in the Lord to restore your marriage and investigating the facts are just not mutually exclusive things and instead go hand in hand.

How very interesting that you and LivinJesus have identical grammatical patterns and spelling! And how fortunate that you agree with one another! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />