Ok my wife D came home on Oct. 15 and said she wasn't happy anymore. She said I was the only one who couldn't see how depressed she was. So I left. I've had a real bad time of it over the past month. I wanted to die because I have nothing left. I let her know that which was a mistake. Everything at the early stages was she wanted a divorce and all I heard was NO NO about anything I said.

OK In the past week I took some things back that I took (TV VCR/DVD combo) they don't mean anything to me anyway all I want is her. She came out of the Garage and was smiling. I put the TV and VCR back in the living room and my stepson came out of the bathroom and latched on to me and wouldn't let go. He told me he loved me and missed me and I told him the same. I asked D to come outside a minute and told her I was sorry and that I would make a change in myself to make her happy.

Here are a few outward signs she made.

She kept biting her lip and turning her head.

When I asked her not to file anytime soon and to let us work this out she bit her lip and turned her head to the side a little.

I told her I really needed something and she said "what?" I said a hug and she agreed. It wasn't a quick hug she held on to me for about 20 seconds and then I could tell she was biting her lip (top lip) a little and turned away from me and said I have to go.

Ok the next day I showed up at her work and asked her out to lunch. She came with me and I did all the things I could think of to show her I was a gentleman. Basically she says "this isn't what I want right now" and "I need some space." I reached over and touched her on her leg and said "thank you for coming to lunch with me" She bit her lip again and looked out the window away from me. I dropped her off at work and stopped by the house to mow the lawn which would show her I still care and will do anything for her to make her happy.

Someone really attacked her that night on a messageboard and she sent me a private message immediatly I guess because I'm the only one who understood and she needed to tell someone. (I figured this was a good sign)

So I defended her and really lashed out at the guy who said the bad things about her. I called her back and she was happy for the post I made and really seemed like it was good that I defended her in such a way. She thanked me for mowing the lawn and when I asked if she minded if I come over to do some things like that around the house and she said no that's ok.

So I got off work yesterday and called her to tell her I bought her something nice to cheer her up about the post that guy had made and she said yes I could come up there and give it to her. We talked about things for about an hour and a half but she was on a game on the computer and most of our talk was about that. I took my stepson a bible too and he seemed to really like it. I got her some footcream and two nightshirts to sleep in and I mentioned giving her a foot massage and she said that my being there was distracting her from the game and that I should go. So I hugged her from behind and kissed her on the side of the head and when I said "I love you" and went to give her another little kiss on the head she said
"Just Go."

I dunno what all this means. She's reached out to me to hug me. Went to lunch with me and let me come to the house to bring her something. I'm trying my best to work this out and she knows the last thing in the world I want isa divorce. Please help me understand what she wants.

Kaastle,

Even though she probably won't tell you the truth [very few don't want to admit they are], have you asked her if there is another man in her life? Because unless there is domestic abuse or emotional abandonment by a H [husband], very few women want to separate from their H without them being involved with an OM [other man]. If you have the financial resources, I would suggest you consider hiring a PI to find out if she is having an affair. But if you can't, then consider snooping around your home at late hours to see if there is another man with her. Hopefully this won't be the case but be prepared in case it is.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

While I agree with TMCM, at the same time I would also back off a little. You are seeing what she is acceptable to and what she isnt.

Dont push the relationship issue really hard. But at the sam etime dont shut down and ignore the marriage. If depression is truly an issue therepy would be a good idea.

Let her know you are there but dont cling.

In all my grasping at straws I told her all I wanted was for her and my stepson to be happy and if there was someone else that I guess I'd be ok with that. She said she'd been talking with someone else. (I know it could only be someone on the computer game we play) a pixil. Not someone she can physically touch. I didn't say this in my last post because I guess I'm in denial. But someone was talking to her last night when I was sitting there and he said something which I saw pop up on one of her chatboxes and she scrolled it up. That's when she told me I was distracting her and that I should go. He lives in VA and we live in Texas. There's no way financially she's gonna run off up there to be with him. I dunno what she's thinking but she's mixed up.

She had a total hisdirectomy in Feb and hasn't been taking her hormone replacement meds. Right before this happened she was really dieting a lot and I know is unhappy about her weight and wants to look like the high school and college cheerleader she used to be.

I think she's immersed herself in Everquest and I know for a fact that she's been staying up very late every night (later than she did when I was with her) So what do I do to win her back?

She said last night she needs some time and I'm not giving that to her. I told her I'll give you all the time you need.

My close friends tell me to file for a divorce and call her bluff. What to do?

Something I remember now. She said I'm not gonna take you back like my mom did my dad. That was said back on the 16th of Oct. when I tried to go home. She came out of the house furious that I was there and I broke down in front of her crying like a baby.

She and her mother caught her father with another woman. That's why I guess she's dealing with stuff from the past saying that about us.

I'm 35 she's 34

She's been married twice before but only told me about one of them because the other was an inmate and is incarcerated. So basically I've been with her in a home longer than anyone. Her first marriage was to her High School sweetheart when they both got home from basic training at the same time. So She's never lived with a man for over a month before me. We've been together for three years now and were never apart.

Is she afraid of the commitment?

Kaastle, I strongly suspect that she is having an affair. With a woman, emotional affairs are just as intense as physical affairs. Internet affairs are very common around here.

It really harms your position that you moved out of the house, because that protects her from the consequences of her decision. By moving, you are facilitating her affair and contributing to your own demise. It is very important that you go back home. You have a right to be thered and if she wants to break up, then she should do the moving.

Your second duty is to find out what is really going on here. Since she is probably having an internet affair, your best bet would be to install some spyware on her computer. You could have a report emailed to you daily.

If you choose to do this, let me know and I will lead you to some good software.

If you could find out what is going on, you could then know HOW to proceed, but as long as you don't know the facts, you are simply helpless and can't do anything to save your marriage.

I went home one day and was mad about what she said to me on the phone so I took the TV and VCR from the living room. She changed the locks so it's kinda hard for me to move back in. She would prob. call the Police can they make me leave if I try to go home. Nothing has been filed in court yet.

Kaastle..

The only thing I'm going to address in this post just now..is the nuts and bolts of getting you back in your house.

Are you part owner? If so..she likely has ZERO grounds to have you removed from your own property. If she tries this..force the sale of the house. I can not stress to you how effective it is with WSs to play hardball. They become VERY cooperative when they stand to suffer real loss.

Talk to an attorney who specializes..find out the adultery laws in your state..and hire a PI.

Never warn her about what you are going to do, no threats. If it would be a good threat, it will be a GREAT reality.

Meanwhile..buy the books suggested by the site and fellow posters..and execute an outstanding plan A followed by a plan B.

First protect yourself and your kids [because she sure as HELL isn't going to be looking out to protect anything but her affair] then focus on rebuilding the marriage.

Good luck and welcome aboard.

Noodle
[hooked on phonics wurked for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kaastle:
<strong> I went home one day and was mad about what she said to me on the phone so I took the TV and VCR from the living room. She changed the locks so it's kinda hard for me to move back in. She would prob. call the Police can they make me leave if I try to go home. Nothing has been filed in court yet. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are her H, I don't believe she can make you leave unless she has a court order. The police won't make a man leave his home just because the spouse wants him out.

We own the home it's paid for but her dad's name is on the house also because her mom paid for the house with a loan from one of her CD's. So it's me her and her dad on the title.

NM

Noodle

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kaastle:
<strong> We own the home it's paid for but her dad's name is on the house also because her mom paid for the house with a loan from one of her CD's. So it's me her and her dad on the title. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GO HOME! You are only faciliating the affair by leaving and making it easy.

Go home and then install some Actmon spyware on her computer to find out what is going on here. Set it up so you can have reports emailed to you. www.iopus.com

And it really does sound like she has some personal issues that has prevented her from committing in past relationships. What do you think that is all about?

If I go home there's gonna be a huge blowup im sure. It will prob take away all the good I've done so far in getting back there this way.

I just don't want to drive her further away from me.

Kaastle..

I'm going to roll this on sugar for you ONCE..only once.

Fortune favors the brave.

By standing back and wringing your hands..you are contributing to her A. You are actually helping her have an affair, unhindered, in your home.

Seems like every single BS is in absolute terror of offending the WS.

Ahem..are you ready? Here it comes.

Stop being afraid of making her angry.

Making her angry usually means that you have done something right..provided that you did it without being disrespectfull, etc. It means that you have dealt her fantasy a significant blow.

So what do you suppose the reverse means? If she is content..will she come out of it on her own? Probably not. Your job..is to make this affair unbearably uncomfortable. To get in the way in every way that you legally can.

Walk right in the door, cancel the internet if needs be, and make an appointment for IC, MC, and speak with an attorney to protect your rights.

This is your home and your family..now defend it. Get in there and fight if you really want it. Buck up little soldier..there's miles to go before you sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Noodle

You need to be back in the house. Dont just walk out and let this happen. It is worth fighting for.

[By standing back and wringing your hands..you are contributing to her A. You are actually helping her have an affair, unhindered, in your home.]

Exactly...speaking from the experience of being a X-WS in a long term internet affair, I would have been in freaking heaven to be left alone to continue the charade....she wanted you to leave that night because you were interferring in her fantasy...go home and reclaim what is yours...by staying out of the house, you are not 'making progress'..you are allowing her to live in her fantasy world with no reality to answer to...it's a real and dangerous thing, these internet affairs...don't give it time to fester by allowing her the freedom to continue ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kaastle:
<strong> If I go home there's gonna be a huge blowup im sure. It will prob take away all the good I've done so far in getting back there this way.

I just don't want to drive her further away from me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She can't get much further, my friend. And she will continue to get farther and farther away the more deeply entrenched she gets into her affair that you are facilitating with your absence.

What I am telling you is designed to help get your marriage back on track. The train is off the tracks and it will stay off until you start taking some action here.

Your marriage can stand a little anger, but it won't withstand an affair. Take your pick.

GO HOME!

Kaastle,

I agree with the posters that tell you to go home but I also agree with Noodle and I would consult with an attorney as to the best way to go back home. Protection orders are so easily obtained that all a woman has to say is that she is in fear for her life and she will be granted one without any questions. So get all your legal ducks in a row before you proceed to go back home.

Well here's an update. She's not budged as far as her wanting a divorce. She still says I don't love you and she don't want to work it out. Here's some excerpts from an email she sent me. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OK listen up because I am tired of talking about this. There is nothing that is going to change the way I feel. Going to a counselor and continuing to put each other through hell is not going to change anything. I know that you still love me and I am sorry that I cannot say the same in return. I am sorry that you are the one that has gotten hurt by all this. I have been living through hell for a very long time and I feel it is in all of our best interests to sever all ties. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The bottom line is I want more out of a marriage that I am going to be able to find with you. I am sorry that I let it get this far, but sometimes you do things you normally would not do because you are lonely. When I met you I was very lonely. I knew when we went on that trip to Louisiana that you were not what I wanted. I thought I could do better, but I settled and for that I was wrong. In the end I ended up hurting lots of people. Not just you and 3 boys, but I was affected by it. For that I am wrong and I will have to deal with the consequences from that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So this is my final time to say it, but our marriage is done. I will be filing for divorce when I am able, but at the moment I can’t. It is not that I do not want to, but with Christmas around the corner I have to wait another month or so. You can say what you want to about me. You can make me look like a crazy whore to the world if that is what you wish. I have not cheated on you like you first accused me of. I want to be happy. I want to be with a person that can make me a very happy woman. I just know that that person is not you. There is no reason to prolong the suffering. I hope that you find happiness with someone else. There is nothing to fight for here. To continue to fight for our marriage is like swimming upstream against the current. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok Basically I went home last night and slept in the garage apartment after talking to a policeman who graduated from HS with my Wife. He told me that she couldn't keep me from the house unless she had a court order. So I went in the house and was looking around for mail and stuff and her mom shows up. Her mom tells me I've come here to tell you to leave. Yeah I got upset and said I'm really trying to do what's right for my family and then she said "you can't stay here and if you do I'll put the house up for sale." Then she said you don't want her dad to get in on this. I don't know if that was a threat of violence or what but hey I'm not afraid it's my house too if he wants to come over and beat me up for being in my own house hey good for him that makes him a big man. So someone read those excerpts from her email (I left out the ones about the game as they prob wouldn't make much sense but over a 3rd of the email had to do with the game everquest)

I wanted to take her computer and leave with it that woulda made her so mad. But like one of you said she needs to get mad. Help please.

Thanks

Oh yeah I was out last night in the cold 30 degree weather with nowhere to go really because of problems here at my moms house. So I called her and asked her if I could stay in the garage apartment and still she says no. I mean what's she hiding from me that she won't let me come home to the seperate building on the property. I know there's not another guy at the house because of her son being there and how jealous of me he is.

Oh and her mom said my stepson told her he doesn't want me to come back.