My H just sent me this e-mail about last night "sorry about last night, I was being very stupid. you are making me crazy though danielle. you don't understand."

"Adam, I am glad you are Ok. I called the ship to check on you. I was worried. I am not making you anything. It seems that whenever OW gets drunk, she gets reasonable and rational. You were acting out of line. To say that no one cares...you know I care.
Always
Danielle"
His reply "I need you out of my life completely. your killing me danielle."
SO>....WHAT do I say to that?
I love this man so much and he hates me so much...

Bumping, it's busy today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You say nothing in regards to communicating with your WH and do everything that everyone has suggested.

You get and keep copies of all correspondance. You contact the police, your WH boss and the OW's employer(if she is in the forces). You take the necessary measures to protect yourself physically and emotionally from those two highly unstable ppl.

There can be no recovery when substance abuse is involved. Your H must first beat his addiction to alcohol and then his addiction to the OW.

Do not allow either one of these ppl to harass, bully or threaten you. Frankly, if you WH decides to end his life because of you then he needs much more support than you are able to give. He needs professional help and the only way he may get it is if you talk to his boss.

He is in the Navy. I have talked to his Commanding Officer, XO, Chaplin and Desron of the squadron. They ALL have counseled him and that's it. They say they are not seeing it at work and that is all they can do. I went to the Legal office and filed a complaint of verbal abuse and non-support about a month ago and then the Desron called me and sat down with my H and counseled him. End of story. I called the police when it happened last night.. I feel like I am doing everything I know. He was never like this before he met her. The OW is a stay at home drunk. I wish he could just UNDERSTAND what I am trying to say to him when I talk. I do have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow so he might have some ideas. Through all the years we have been together I have never seen this 'man' he has become. This all happened since August..
Danielle

D

Adultery is a CRIME in the military
Bring copies of the emails from H and OW..that is proof enough..one hell of a lot more than I had, I can tell you that.

Report it as a crime..and tell them that you wish to press charges.

Noodle

Have you taken the necessary steps to protect your physical and emotional well-being??

Noodle...
I have two posts going (sorry my mistake)
Where would I take these?
His command KNOWS he is LIVING with OW. They don't care really. He changed his recall information to her location and everything.

mgm,
I have been on Prozac for 2 1/2 weeks now. I have a good support system via telphone that I utilize for emotional support. H and I were going to MC but we stopped when OW showed up there after one meeting.

I'd go to the provost marshall..or whatever they call it in the Navy.

I would also call his command and let them know that you will be reporting to HIS superior officer that he refused to act on a known crime committed by one of his sailors.

Adultery is a mandatory UCMJ affair. You can personally press charges about it..but they legally have no choice but to act on it..if they fail to do so and you really do have pretty damning evidence I would go to JAG and ask for counsel on getting the ball rolling.

The sh*t can hit the fan pretty big for a co who turns a blind eye on a criminal offense. That might motivate the little [censored].

Good luck

Noodle

PS..I agree with PEP..he is not playing with a full stack..take care of you, ok?

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Dani,

I normally do not post much on this board, but your situation has caught my eye. I really feel for you and I can hardly believe the cruelty that your WH and his OW are inflicting upon you.

First of all, I would suggest that you go to a solid plan B. Any further contact with your WH and his OW will only cause more pain for you. Right now, you need to think about protecting yourself and your children.

Whether or not you will ever want to go back to this man or not, will be up to you in the future, but I would like to suggest that you can do so much better. You seem intelligent and articulate and your picture on MB shows an attractive woman. I understand that you still love your WH, but he seems exceptionally cruel.

I would suggest that you continue to collect any evidence of hurtful emails/phone calls or mail that you receive from WH and especially OW. This woman sounds like a lunatic! Make copies of EVERYTHING and lock up the originals in a safe place. File a complaint with police and send a copy of the complaint along with copies of the evidence to your husband's Navy unit. Type up a professional business letter and inform them that if they will not help you get financial support for yourself and your children, then you will contact your Congressman. I can send you the necessary information for the State of VA, if you'd like.

Good luck to you, Danielle!

Kati

D

Give a shout to d_rose..he's navy and can probably walk you through this much better than I can.

Saying it is not court marshall worthy is ridiculous. Do we now decide which crimes we penalize? it is in the books..look up the specific article and seriously..get a lawyer on board. My H faced jail time, dishonorable discharge..and did have an artlicle 15..extra duty...loss of rank..and a serious, no kidding around, smoking from two separate COs..one in GA and one here..I think it's also conduct unbecoming in he is an officer.

Noodle

Dani,

I am not familar with military protocol on this matter but I would to the following:

1. draft a letter to the same group of people who feel his lifestyle is not affecting his work with a brief outline of what you have been experiencing (ie:

Dear Sir,
This letter is concerning one of your officers who we have previously discussed. His previous and current acts include (list them). I have been previously informed by your offices that his work is not being affected.

His conduct is affecting our family financially, emotionally and in many other ways. He has even threatened suicide which if successful I am sure will affect his job function.

Based on the above, please explain how you are doing the best you can to care for one of enlisted and his family.

BTW, in addition to the above, my family and I are having to endure harrassing contact from the OW (name her with her address and phone #). It is from her home that the suicide threats are eminating (sp???).

Your help is appreciated.

Sincerely,
(your name)

Just an example. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

AHHHHH!!!!
Okay so phone rings, its OWs number, but I know it’s my H. I don't answer. Then he calls back...and I pick up. He says he is coming to get his dog. I said tonight is not a good night, because the kids are awake and they don't need to see him come and go. He said he would spend time with them. I said listen, tonight just isn't a good night. They are going to bed soon, and I am tired as well. He said "Do you want me to call the cops and have them escort me to get my dog" I hung up. He calls back. I answer and tell him that he can call the cops if he so desires. He said that I think I am big and bad and I know everything but I don't. He said he is coming and do I mind if OW comes and sits in the car. I said yes, I do. He said if the car is on the road I couldn’t do anything. I told him listen, if you can't come alone, and come in a good mood then don't come at all. He said how about OW son, could he come instead and sit in the car? (Honestly OW won't allow him here without her because she doesn't want to chance him staying). I said no. I told him that if he wanted to bring someone, or come in a nasty mood tell me now and I would call the police to meet him here. I don't want to deal with him tonight. He asked me why I am playing games and why I don't just tell the lawyer that we have been separated a year and file for divorce. I said I didn't want that. OW yells "She doesn't want to get it over with, she has you by the balls" I hung up again. He called back, and the answering machine picked it up. He said "I will see you in 30 minutes, have my dog ready, I am coming alone and your not getting a booty call so don't try it" What would make him think I would want him to have sex with me? *sigh* I don't want to deal with him tonight. He said try calling the cops, I am on the lease, it's my house. That isn't the point. Why does he insist in being an [censored]? Couldn't he come get his dog at a better time (not when the kids are going to bed) and not be a jerk about it?

Dani,

Not sure if you will get this in time but here goes.

Let him come get his dog. Call the police and ask for civil standby protection. re: He has been abusive to you on the phone and while the dog is his, you don't know what he may do. Let them know of the A and that he has threatened to bring the OW, her son and who knows who else...... then let them know that there was some strange noises in the background of his call talking about guys and holding him by his balls or something like that. Also say that you are not sure what goes on in that home and c/b worried some bad things are happening in front of a minor. Let them come to their own conclusions.

Lease or no lease he doesn't have the right to make you feel unsafe. Let the police know that you do not feel safe in his presence.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Okay so that wasn't so bad...or was it.
Called H and asked if he planed to come or not, and when. He said 15 minutes. Our next-door neighbor is a police officer and ALWAYS works nights...but for some reason he is home. I went over there (he is super nice) and told him an update. He was here when OW came and I had the cops come 2 months ago, so he knows some of what is going on. He said he would come over when he saw H drive up. So H drives up, neighbor comes over, with belt on.. Makes an appearance, tells H that the incident was reported as a verbal threat to my safety and wellbeing and he needed to get what he needed to get, and go. H looked at me like I had killed someone. He told the neighbor that I am filling his head with lies and that he is just coming for his dog and he has no reason to be there. So the neighbor says okay that's fine, so get your dog. H then states he wants to see his kids. Well come on...what do you want? Its 9:30 our DD is sleeping, DS is in bed watching a movie. Bad time. So I told him not tonight. Then he YELLS our sons name so that he can hear that my H is here. DS comes down the stairs and sees him. Cop stats "That is why I am here, that exactly" He came for his dog, then wanted to see the kids....it always turns into a big to do. So then I told our son that his Dad had just come to get the dog and he said OK, and went back up to bed. H then wants his hair clippers. The cop told him that he could have his DOG only, and if he wanted more things from the home he needed to make me a list with 24 hours notice to pick it up. H gives me the death look again. Says it is all my fault that I can't let him go. I told him to take responsibility for his own actions please. So he got the dog, dog food, balls and left. Drove off all crazy. I came in the house and now I am crying. I miss my husband. I don't miss THIS man, I miss my husband. Somehow this is all my fault, of course. H states that this situation could be much easier if I would just let him be happy and love the OW. It is my fault I didn't cherish him when he was home, my fault I didn't show him enough love, and I never can show him enough love. Only one person can, and that is the OW. ;( Plus, I miss the dog too. I have been the one taking care of her while he was playing his little game for the past months. Thanks for everyones support.
Danielle

Get a restraining order.... when you H breaks the order (and he will) ... file charges.

This is serious crazy behavior...

Send your neighbor a basket of cookies for Thanksgiving!!!

Pep

It would be easier for HIM if you'd just sit in the wings and let him be happier.

It'd be easier for YOU if you screwed him to the wall financially..got a lawyer and went on the offensive and filed [yeah, the person who files does usually get a small upper hand]

Since you are not interested in doing what is easy..I suggest you take some deep breaths, have a cup of tea, and take a bubble bath.

You did good..very good.

I am just now doing the "WS made an @ss out of himself in front of a cop" jig in your honor.

Next time do not let him come over any time he wants..he doesn't live there? Fine. he can make an appointment just like anyone else.

D..I really think..in your Hs case..that a plan B might be in order very soon. Are you working on the letter?

Noodle

Dani,

U and your neighbor did fine. Bake him a cake or pie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ask him his take on this matter and what you should do the next time. If he says file an RO, then seriously consider and execute as needed. You don't want to wait for an act of violence to happen. The WS is on the edge and you s/b on the alert. Prepare even your children.

Practice standing your ground.

BTW, the man you miss is your H not this morphed character running around in his clothes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

I'm worried about the dog.

It sounds to me like WH and the OW spend quite a bit of time plotting and planning against you. They sit around and commiserate about you and how they are causing problems for THEM! Sounds like there is trouble in paradise.

What will happen when you have no more contact with WH and they can't justify their problems on YOUR intervention...you won't be the topic of conversation anymore? What then? I predict their R will implode. The one thing they share in common is YOU, and if you go dark...then they don't have YOU to battle against and be united against...they will start going after each other...