I could count on one hand the number of diapers he changed and same goes for doing dishes. It wasn't like he did the male chores and I did the female chores, I did them all. Mowing the lawn, painting (including all prep work) inside and out. Also, I forgot to mention that prior to the affair, he told me he wasn't sure whether he loved me or not and slept in our unfinished basement for weeks at a time. This is not an excuse to start an affair, but I think it goes a long way to explain my state of mind when I entered into it. YES, I know I let him down big time, but he's let me down big time too. I feel like I've been living a lie for the last 10 years, that he's only been with me because of the children (something I could NEVER do, live with someone I don't love). He told me that the two best days of his life were when the children were born and that when I threatened to take them away, he resolved to do whatever he could to make it right (I guess that included living with me, although he's not inlove with me). You people can be very cruel with your posts sometimes, it takes two people to ruin a marriage and two people to repair it. It's NOT ALL MY FAULT!!!

Ellen,

YOU wrote here for advice. So YOU are the only one getting advice. We can only advise you on what YOU should do as it is only you that we are talking to.

It seems clear you have a lot of resentment. It seems clear you have NOT forgiven your H for his role in the marriage.

Given this is true, how do you expect him to respond? He tried on the anniversary and you failed to reciprocate. Perhaps it is your resentment that caused you to act the way you did? I do not know, but I do know this if he did try and it seems he did, and your response is as it was, then YOU HAVE A PROBLEM if in fact you do claim to love your H and want the marriage to remain.

You have had an affair. You seem to have carried a lot of resentment within the marriage (whether it is valid or not is irrelavent to the problem at hand). You ask for what to do, but the only thoughts that seem to come to mind are superficial.

So let me ask you once again. What is it you want? What is it you seek from your marriage, your H, and yes from us here?

I will leave you with a quote that was brought here years ago and it is something for you to ponder as you ponder whether or not you can or will forgive your H </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please think about this and think about how things have been working out for you these past years. Perhaps it is time to really heal, if you come to that conclusion, there are things you can do.

God Bless,

JL

I'm not resentful, he's changed quite a bit since the affair, I'm depressed. I'm going to stop posting here for awhile, it's not helping ... it's feeding my depression (some of you are very doom and gloom on a subject that should be wonderful, building a strong marriage). Some of you have given me a few good ideas to help rebuild my marriage, the letter is a great idea (I'm working on it). If I need you, after I give him the letter, if he doesn't respond to it after a certain lenght of time, I'll come back for other constructive ideas ... Just a suggestion, try to put a little humour in your posts, you can convey the same ideas without seeming to be so arrogant, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"!!!

Ellen,

I do hope you write the letter. I do hope you come back. As for humor, well it is often used here AFTER the people here know that the person on the other end will find the humor, humorous.

But, most of all I hope you sit down and really evaluate what is bothering you and what stopped you from view your 20th anniversary as something special. No one can answer those questions for you and only once you have answered for yourself will we able to really address what I suspect you want to address.

God Bless,

JL

PS: If you are depressed perhaps a trip to the Doc's to obtain some anti-D's might help.

Ellen, I hope you don't go away, you sound sincere -- and yes, you DO sound resentful. I don't blame you; I probably would be resentful, too.

I think you want to have a great marriage -- and it does sound like you will need counseling to make that work.

One thing about the Harleys: they counsel over the phone. H wouldn't have to walk into an office and face a stranger. Would that make it easier for him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ellen 85:
<strong> ... Just a suggestion, try to put a little humour in your posts, you can convey the same ideas without seeming to be so arrogant, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar"!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What humor is there for a betrayed spouse? Is it not vinegar that the wayward spouse has offered to their life partner?

It is what it is. There is no way to sugar coat what has been done to the betrayed. If the betrayer is truly sorry and wants to make things right then there is more work for that spouse to do.

I myself will need lots of TLC and a letter from my gorgeous WW every so often. If she wants to really make me feel like first choice then she will have to get over and stay over her historic inability to have empathy about her significant other.

Your husband sounds like me. So I think that it is safe to say that your need to have the facts sugar coated to make you feel more comfortable will only hurt your husband and your marriage.

Good luck to you.