I've lurked here a while and have only posted a few times. This site has really helped me deal with my own patterns of destructive behaviour, and trying to ensure that my new marriage is a long and prosperous one. Some quick background, I have been with my wife for ten years now, but we only got married this past summer. We met on vacation when I was 20 and she was 17 years old. During the first three years and a half years of our relationship we lived in different countries and only saw each other occasionally. During this period, I had a number of ONS's with other girls in my university. Mostly I did it for the SF and I did not view our relationship that seriously at the time. I never told my wife as I never had the courage to face the consequences (and still don't!!). As far as I know, and I really beleive, that my wife hs always been faithful to me. Anyway, I have been lurking here in an effort to understand why I did wrong in the past, and to ensure that I do not stray again in the future. I want this marriage to work forever.

Anyway, one of the reasons that it took us so long to tie the knot was because I wanted to give my wife the time to make sure that this marriage is really what she wanted. When I first met my wife, I had already had over 15 sexual partners and pretty much fell in love with her immediately (regardless of my subsequent actions). Whereas my wife had only one sexual encounter (ONS) prior to meeting me and no experience of a serious relationship. This lack of experience always made me wonder if one day she will wake up and try to find out what she's been missing out on. So here's the question, are wives that have had little or no experience prior to meeting their spouses more likely to stray?? Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that a large proportion of WW's here did not have sex with anyone prior to meeting their BH's. Is this a factor? Should I be more vigilant and worried due to this situation?

Hi Curious
I can tell you how I feel. My H is my only sex partner and I often wondered what it would be like with someone else. We have been married for 35 years and I have never tried to find out. Why?

Because the sex with H has always been very good and fullfilling. Once I realized that it could not possibly be any better I quit wondering. I also wanted to be the special only one for my H.

Make it great for her and she will be happy.

Unfortunately my H didn't feel the same and had a girlfriend for 8 years. Maybe I lacked something for him with my inexperience but he says no.

It is hard to believe him.

From my lifes experiences and the people I know who married young and had little or no previous SF experience, I would say no.

...using my mom, aunts, cousins and girlfriends who were not experienced when they married and have never strayed.

You have more of a chance at straying because of your past actions than your wife does in my opinion. And I think you are doing right by coming here and learning what you need to stay strong for your marriage.

As PW said, be good to your wife, practice the MB principles and your marriage will surely be a happy and lasting one.

Hi CKTC,

I am a BW and I can tell you that my WH was my first and only sexual partner.I had some very intimate time with previous BF's but not intercourse.Personally,I knew even way back then that I could not have sex with someone I didn't care about deeply(or love) and I also felt that I wanted to save that special time until I was either married or sure I wanted to spend my life with that someone.I had no desire whatsoever to go "sow my oats" and all that jazz.Just was not interested at ALL.It was much more important to me to share that special closeness with one person,for the rest of my life.I still feel this in my heart.Although I know sex is important,and to some,more important than other things,but to me,it had it's place in my life and I didn't feel that sex was something that could draw me away from what I knew was meaningful to me: love,marriage,family,vows,etc.

In my WH's case,he actually admitted to wanting to know what it was like with other women.I almost slapped him when he told me that a couple of months ago but there's was nothing I could do about it now.I just wish he made that decision/choice when we were dating for 6 years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Not married for 13 years and had a family,home and life together! I think it's different for men though.I was my WH's only sexual partner too and so I used to wonder if he would ever feel the need to be with another woman and now I know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So,I for one,am here to say that just because I didn't have sex with a bunch of different partners,I didn't feel any desire to go out and see what it's like without my WH(cheat) or that I was missing out on anything.I may not have had chandelier swinging sex ALL the time,but we did have meaningful and really great sex over all these years.Sometimes it was just good,other times fair and everything in between.That's life though.You might be tired from a long day with a sick child or you may feel insecure or you may have just hit a dry spell.

Many things like this happen to couples who are together a long time.It's to be expected but what keeps the relationship(sexual)alive is being open and honest about feelings,desires,dreams and what you want.When you shut down and keep these feelings to yourself and withdraw,then how is a spouse supposed to know what you want? People aren't mind readers.

Ok,that was more like $2 than 2 cents.Sorry!

O

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks for answering so quick PW and Weaver and being so supportive!!

I am really trying hard to ensure that I do not mess up in this marriage through stupidity.

Also I trust my wife implicitly (but so did so many others here), and want to make sure that she never has to look elsewhere to have her EN's fulfilled.

Regarding your husband PW, I do not believe your inexperience led to his unfaithfulness. I have been with women in the past who were technically perhaps better lovers than my wife, however, my personal sentimental involvement with my wife makes SF with her much more enjoyable than with those women. Having said that it is so easy to be tempted into doing something stupid. This might be a bit controversial, but as RIF once said, men can often have sex just for the sake of having sex. No feelings involved, just fun. I truly believe that men are the "weaker" sex and behind every good man is a better woman.

Another issue that might be a factor in marriages is parents behaviour. My parents had (father deceased now) an incredibly close relationship. Upto my fathers death they were absolutely inseperable, however, it was well known in the family that at the beginning of their relationship (long before I was born) my father used to stray quite a lot. Perhaps this has influenced my own attitude towards relationships ?

What am I,chopped liver? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks a bunch.

I think if people stray no matter when they got married or how young. Curiosity? Maybe. Maybe it's just when you get married young, you are growing from square 1 with not much other experience.

There's no answer. Cheaters are cheaters

Hi Octobergirl,

Thanks for your answer... it really puts my mind at ease. Sex has never been as important for my wife as it has been for me. Having said that, I had her fill in the EN questionnaire in September and she put SF as her third priority (I think she did it because she knew that it would be high on my list). I could not imagine her being with somebody unless she had serious feelings for them. Furthermore, she is not a flirt and can often come across as cold and aloof to people she is not close too. Sometimes I wonder how I even got her to open up to me initially (well actually I got her drunk). In short, I do not have much to worry about at the moment, but it is still something to keep in mind.

As you can tell by my last post, I also think that men and women are programmed slightly differently when it comes to SF. I know for a fact that had I not had any sexual partners before my wife I would also be wondering today what it would be like. Thats why I am so worried about my wife feeling like this one day.

Weaver - You are right in saying that I am more likely to stray than her. However, I am so grateful to everyone here for helping me sort out my own issues and to mature as a person. Although I only lurked here for a long time I learnt so much from everyone. Before coming, I was sure that if my wife cheated on me, I would definartely get an immediate divorce. Now I know that almost any situation is salvagable and only cowards take the easy way out without giving it their best shot. BS's here sometimes view themselves as doormats... wrong.. they are titans. I, unfortunately, do not fit into that category as I do not think that I will ever have the courage to admit my past transgressions to my wife. I am really dissappointed at myself for not admitting these past affairs to my wife prior to the wedding so she could enter the marriage with full information. Nevertheless, I hope to make up for that by giving her all that I can emotionally for the rest of our lives. I chickened out by reasoning to myself that I have not cheated on her in the 7.5 years that we have been living together although I have often had the chance as I travel 3-5 months per year on business, and I never paln on doing so. Also by convincing myself that "things were different back then". terrible, huh?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

lol Octobergirl.... sorry didn't see your post before I responded the first time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oooops Doublepost.... see how nervous you made me OG ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: CuriosityKilledTheCat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CuriosityKilledTheCat:
<strong> When I first met my wife, I had already had over 15 sexual partners and pretty much fell in love with her immediately (regardless of my subsequent actions). Whereas my wife had only one sexual encounter (ONS) prior to meeting me and no experience of a serious relationship. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mean she has only had one sexual encounter that you know of. How do you know she hasn't had several and just isn't telling you? Could she be doing exactly what you have done?

Thanks for the acknowledgement.When you pour out your "heart and soul" to someone it's nice to know that they actually read it.It's a little problem here at MB that I see other's go through too that I wish would change.No offense.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for the response.

Well she told me that she only had one sexual partner prior to meeting me, which was a ONS. She was only 15 years old, got drunk with some friends at a bar and was picked up by a man double her age. She lost her virginity in his car that evening. She did not have any contact with the man, who was passing though town on business, and was too ashamed to discuss this with anybody apart from me. I think this episode seriously affected her as she still feels ashamed sometimes today and she did not have sex with anybody again until she met me two years later. Now, in the earlier part of our relationship she might have strayed like me, as I had no way of checking. However, knowing my wife as I do, I really do not believe that she did. If she did, it would almost be a relief as it would somehow reduce my own guilt (2 wrongs = right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ), and allow me to stop worrying that one day she might need to "sow her oats" one day.

First off, I think it is a twisted form of mental masturbation to worry about something that has not happened, not to mention a complete waste of time.

Secondly, could she be lying to you about her past like you are hers? I am sure she believes you too. Why should she tell you about past experiences? No woman wants her H to think she's loose.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> First off, I think it is a twisted form of mental masturbation to worry about something that has not happened, not to mention a complete waste of time.

Secondly, could she be lying to you about her past like you are hers? I am sure she believes you too. Why should she tell you about past experiences? No woman wants her H to think she's loose. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL.... I absolutely agree with you (Perhaps world events have driven me to make a "pre-emptive strike" of my own). I actually came to this board to work on my own issues and not to worry about my wife. However, that does not mean it is unimportant. This was also the factor that caused me to wait ten years before marrying my wife (I had bought her engagement ring six years before giving it to her). Although, I generally do not believe in crossing bridges until you get to them, this is one bridge I would really like to avoid altogether.

I did not lie about my past prior to meeting my wife and I do not think she lied about hers either. Neither of us had a reason to lie. What happened during the early years of our relationship is a different matter. Today I feel that I have married the right woman and am very happy with her. I could not care less if she was a sex addicted prostitute prior to meeting me as I know that she is the woman that I love. As I answered to your last post, it would be a relief to me today had my wife had more sexual partners before me. This is due to my own issues and way of thinking not hers.

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: CuriosityKilledTheCat ]</small>

Curiosity, you realize you are just borrowing trouble, right? [mental masturbation] Here you have a wonderful marriage with no problems and what do you do? Scare yourself with what ifs. Instead of enjoying what you DO HAVE NOW, you are ruining it by worrying about silly hypotheticals.

I am sorry, but that just seems nuts to me. Why not enjoy what you HAVE NOW and live in the present?

Frankly, the only one I would be concerned about this marriage is YOU, not her. That is because past behavior predicts future behavior. As far as you know, she has been honest and faithful. You have been the opposite.

If she came here I would tell her to keep her eyes peeled on you. You have no rational reason to worry about her though. You are just borrowing trouble for some strange reason, ie: mental masturbation.

ML, you are not wrong. As I said I came here to deal with my own infidelity and to learn as much as I could in order to prevent me from messing up this marriage in the future. I have loved my wife since I first met her and told my sister (who introduced her to me) within a week of meeting her that I felt she was my soulmate and I would end up marrying her. Nevertheless, this did not stop me from seeking SF elsewhere during the early part of our relationship when we were living in different countries. So my primary focus was to learn more about my own past actions in order to avoid them now that we are seriously committed to one another. So after months of lurking and reading I decided to post a question that has troubled me occassionaly. I am not obsessed with this issue, I just wanted to know if people here felt it affects our chances of having an infidelity free marriage. In effect my question is "should this concern me?" not "what do I do about this?".

PS: I hope to never give my wife a reason to come here. I am here so she never has to come.

The only thing that would concern me would be if she had a history of infidelity and deceit. Past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior. And even that is certainly no guarantee. She has a good history as far as you know so there is nothing here would give me pause.

I would save my concern for REAL problems and/or problems you have some control over.

CKTC,

Affairs are born out of lies and deception. I'd be more worried if she's shown a consistent pattern of lying and deceiving you [like you have to her] than how many lovers she had prior to marrying you.

TMCM