Pep could this be construed as a LB? I know that I can't take responsibility for what my WW thinks. I'm pretty sure she would take it as me trying to take the kids away from her.

Well ... just because she doesn't like something doesn't mean it is a LB.

Does she leave you and the kids to go off and have an affair while you are parenting solo?

Has she experienced any consequences for this disrespectful behavior?

Pep

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks Pep, LM, Greer, L-W-H,Topie for all the thoughts and hope and ideas.

I'm thinking that once I'm financially ready (refi is done), I will be able to make these hard decisions. The fact of the matter is that I don't like the person that my WW has become. As I was saying I was really wondering if any other BH's out there experienced the same garbage even while WW and BH were in counseling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by native00:
<strong> As I was saying I was really wondering if any other BH's out there experienced the same garbage even while WW and BH were in counseling. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well my friend, your frustrations are bore out of the fact that you aren't "really" in recovery or MC. She is still seeing the other man and doing the MC as "going through the motions". So, hence you arent't getting any return on your invrestment because trutfuly she hasn't put it in here.yet.

LM, your right, that's just what I was thinking about her going through the motions. I can totally except that I'm not in a R. That's why I'm still doing the Plan A to try and break up the A. Once I hit my limit though I will have to go to plan B as you and others have said.

So let me pose a new question... how long do you give the counselor to try and turn her around. Again under the assumption that you can't control anyone and that they have to make up their own minds. My MC/IC has been for the last month trying to make her "feel safe, so she doesn't have to go out". Safe from what? Me the monster?? I'm going to talk to him and let him know that we need to try a different tactic, one stating that I'm not the monster that she thinks I am and that I'm actually a good H. Also that this OM just wants to get into her pants.

So again how long to give the Counselor, or is there a way to give him input? I know he is supposedly the expert...

Native..

I extend an invitation to come on over to the fences thread..as we are about to look into this very subject. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Noodle

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

tell us about your plan a.....what have you done. many believe plan a is for the ws---in the end its really for the bs......tell us what you've done?

I've tried to do the basic Plan A in Saa. No LB's or AO's. I tried to act calm and like whatever she does doesn't affect me. I've also been telling her things like have a nice day at work. Give foot massages and backrubs. Tried to open up more about feelings. I've stayed away from physical affection, due to some posts on MB thread, and to avoid seeming clingy...

native00,

During the craziest times I prayed to be given the courage and words to say to my wife that might make a difference.

I believe that I got what I prayed for. I might never know if she would have left if I had not said some of the things that I said.

At some point I found a nice groove with repeating that I still loved her and that I still choose her. I dunno but maybe saying that often enough helped the sitation.

Heck, I don't know for sure if she just wised up to the fact that I am not a monster and OM is kinda gross.

All I really know is I wish you could be reporting more happy news.

Thanks Greer. I'm think I've been taking a stand at least emotionally by not letting her get me down (at least not showing it). I'm going to say some things on Thurs. during MC that I need to get off my chest. Once I'm finished preparing myself finacially for what may happen, I will be free to say what I really need to say to her.

I too wish this could all end, that I could wake up from the nightmare, that I could be posting better news!

Thanks for the kind words.

Be careful with your wording of those things you want to get off your chest. Just b/c you're in MC, doesn't mean you get a time out on your plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Thanks, Topie.

Yes I know I have to be careful. I've tried to make our home a safe place for her. And the MC will also have to be a safe place for her if anything good is going to come of this.

Native: "So let me pose a new question... how long do you give the counselor to try and turn her around."

It isn't really the MC's job to turn her around.
As someone said earlier in the thread...It is about you. It sounds like you are willing to look at yourself and that you are doing a great job. You know that you can't change her. As hard as it is (and I know), they may never come around.

I go for the Lemonhead approach. Only you know how much you can take of plan A, and it sounds like you are very strong or very afraid. I didn't have much of an option because my WH moved out. But I have found that the Plan B has allowed me to get stronger and focus on myself and my kids. It he finally pulls his head out of his a**, and gets his "time and space to think", then either he will want to rebuild or not. In the meantime I am living my life. Think it over, lay out the pros and cons of both for your specific situation, make a decision and run with it.