KMEJ,

Had anyone BUT you asked this question, I would not have given it a second thought.

Because YOU are the one that asked...I have to admit, it concerns me greatly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It is because of your past posts and threads that I *feel* this way.

I sure hope this isn't going to be what keeps you from doing what we are almost certain you need to do.

JMHO
committed

When I get home from work at 2:30 the kids are so excited to see me and I say hi to him and to H, H wants to spend time with me, and I have a hard time peeling the kids off to be alone with H.... I do try, however H still feels slighted! ... Any suggestions?

Yes.
Tell your H how you feel - that you have a hard time peeling the kids off of you, and *why* you feel this way. Do you feel guilty, like you're ignoring them and being mean to them? Do they need alternate activities so they'll quit climbing all over you?

Tell you H that you don't want him to feel slighted, and ask him for suggestions on how to handle the situation.

- Maybe you could have a 30 minute play session with the kids and then tell them to go play on their own.
- Maybe you just need to swallow the guilt and "get over it," and discipline the kids that it's rude to climb all over Mommy when she's trying to talk to Daddy.
- Or maybe you H needs to get some things done before you come home so that there is enough time for everyone to get a little time with you.

The important things are that your H no longer feels slighted, that he feels like he was part of the solution, and that it's a solution you are both happy with.

I learned recently that H's (and most men) are HIGHLY motivated by the promise of affection/SF.

Next time you came home if you were to give hugs to kids, then say "give me one moment to kiss Daddy", they would part, smooch a big one on Daddy and whisper in his ear "More later, but I've got to be mommy right now...just you wait." and I'd be willing to bet Dad would be a bit happier about waiting for your attention. A little attention can go a long way...if a person truly feels you are thinking of them and will give them attention later.

<strong>Also my H gets jealous when I spend time with our kids. He says I treat them better then him, and that he feels less important to me.</strong>

bah, I hate seeing this. Yes when the kids get a big hug and ILY while I get told to take out the trash when I first walk in the door from work...when it is 20 minutes passed bed time and I keep telling the kids to get in bed and then get yelled at by the wife for pressuring the kids to get in bed....

Well what do you think. I am going to be happy and feel wanted? No, I am going to feel unwanted and used for my paycheck. I am going to feel like the children are allowed to steal from what should be mine. For the love of pete, is an hour or 2 at the end of the day to much to ask for after the children just got 4 or 5?

I have watched the kids get 98% of the affection that the W gives. Then I get demeaned for thinking that I should get any affection at all.

"Everyone knows you are jeleous of the kids". OMG how that irritates me.

If you don't want to enjoy a happy life with the person you married then by all means treat that person like a roommate/servant/paycheck and give all of your time to the kids.

My wife once told me that men come and go but children are forever. Well know I am busting my butt to prove to her the untruth of that statement.

She felt unloved because she was not loving me like she wanted to be loved. I tried and tried but the kids always won out and finally I stopped trying.

I am anxious to see if my needs get put first in an appropriate manner. She will win, I will win and the kids will win for sure if that happens.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> I learned recently that H's (and most men) are HIGHLY motivated by the promise of affection/SF.

Next time you came home if you were to give hugs to kids, then say "give me one moment to kiss Daddy", they would part, smooch a big one on Daddy and whisper in his ear "More later, but I've got to be mommy right now...just you wait." and I'd be willing to bet Dad would be a bit happier about waiting for your attention. A little attention can go a long way...if a person truly feels you are thinking of them and will give them attention later. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the issues in KMEJ's situation run so far deeper than this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greergan:
<strong> <strong>Also my H gets jealous when I spend time with our kids. He says I treat them better then him, and that he feels less important to me.</strong>

bah, I hate seeing this. Yes when the kids get a big hug and ILY while I get told to take out the trash when I first walk in the door from work...when it is 20 minutes passed bed time and I keep telling the kids to get in bed and then get yelled at by the wife for pressuring the kids to get in bed....

Well what do you think. I am going to be happy and feel wanted? No, I am going to feel unwanted and used for my paycheck. I am going to feel like the children are allowed to steal from what should be mine. For the love of pete, is an hour or 2 at the end of the day to much to ask for after the children just got 4 or 5?

I have watched the kids get 98% of the affection that the W gives. Then I get demeaned for thinking that I should get any affection at all.

"Everyone knows you are jeleous of the kids". OMG how that irritates me.

If you don't want to enjoy a happy life with the person you married then by all means treat that person like a roommate/servant/paycheck and give all of your time to the kids.

My wife once told me that men come and go but children are forever. Well know I am busting my butt to prove to her the untruth of that statement.

She felt unloved because she was not loving me like she wanted to be loved. I tried and tried but the kids always won out and finally I stopped trying.

I am anxious to see if my needs get put first in an appropriate manner. She will win, I will win and the kids will win for sure if that happens. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can feel the frustration in your post. Get it all out, it is ok. I think your anger is misguided here, but that is ok. WE all have been there in one way or another.

Great ideas. I know that H loves his kids, and that he spends all day with them and only has an hour to either relax or spend time with me. Then he leaves for work. Today I came home and found the house a mess (typical) and the kids and him in the hot tub. I went right up stairs put my suit on and went outside to join them (20 degrees is rather nippy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), said hello to the boys climbed in and gave H a kiss. He smiled and said hello. We enjoyed our hour together and then he left for work. TOday was a good day.

I know how I feel after spending all day long with my three little tornados, and I too look forward to H coming home, for a break and for some attention. I can understand how H feels somewhat, I feel jealous of H's friends because he spends every day off with them. I have explained that to H, and he does not see the problem. H wants my attention when he wants it, and no other time.


greergan- I hear your pain- however I do make a big point to be there for my H where I do feel the kids are being short changed at times. I am sorry you feel that way. Would you mind shareing more what happens and how it makes you feel and how you would like it done, that might help me some what!

<strong>
I think your anger is misguided here, but that is ok.
</strong>

I do not disagree but would like to know what you mean?

Yes, I have been very angry today.

greergan do you care to share why you are so angry today, maybe we can help you some. I am sorry I do not know much of your story but I sense a lot of hatred for you wife...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greergan:
<strong> <strong>
I think your anger is misguided here, but that is ok.
</strong>

I do not disagree but would like to know what you mean?

Yes, I have been very angry today. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps your anger was "misguided" towards KMEJ, when you really are just displacing your anger towards your wife on KMEJ. I am not for one second saying that you are wrong to feel angry. You feel the way you do for a good reason I am sure.

oh I just reread your statement greergan- children are not forever, they become adults and start there own families, and you do not see them as often, we are all someones children, and we are not still under our parents thumb. A marriage is suppose to be forever and kids are a blessing. I think your wife needs to rethink that one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps your anger was "misguided" towards KMEJ </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG, I am sooooo sorry for responding as I did. I am in no way angry at anyone here (save myself sometimes).

Please forgive me if my response seemed directed at anyone in particular. I really, really do apologize.

not to worry greergan, I did not take it as a personal attack! I figured you were just venting. I am serious when I say I coud use your insight to what happened and how it makes/made you feel so that I can better understand and so that I do not make the same mistakes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greergan:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps your anger was "misguided" towards KMEJ </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG, I am sooooo sorry for responding as I did. I am in no way angry at anyone here (save myself sometimes).

Please forgive me if my response seemed directed at anyone in particular. I really, really do apologize. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, that was just my interpretation of it. Perhaps KMEJ didn't feel that way. EVeryone here knows and FEELS your pain my friend. We all have felt this one way or the other. You can just vent if you need to. It all helps. I don't think there is any need to apologize, we all know what you are feeling. The rage at times can make you want to literally vomit. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think the issues in KMEJ's situation run so far deeper than this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree lemon, but there are two ways (or more) to look at this. There is the medical way, that every behavior is a symptom of a deeper problem and the behavior will not change until the problem or disease is treated and cured....OR...that life is made up of actions and behaviors that stem from habits, and if we were to change our actions and behaviors to something more conducive to a loving R and make them a habit, then our R strengthens and we become happier. Ignore the underlying problem? No, but fix the behavior and work ont he problem over time.

An example? A broken bone that arises from Osteporosis. You don't treat the Osteo. first in hopes the bone will heal...you set the bone, put it in a cast, and then work on diet, supplements, and exercise to prevent the Osteo. from getting worse...over time.

We can change our behavior now while the issues we can work on over time.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> greergan do you care to share why you are so angry today, maybe we can help you some. I am sorry I do not know much of your story but I sense a lot of hatred for you wife... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hatred for my wife? NO!
Anger with my wife? YES.
Frustration and disappointment at both of us? YES.
Fear of continuing with my wife? YES.
Fear that my wife will not want to continue with me? YES.
True, pure passion and desire for my wife and our marriage? YES!!!!!
Impatience to hear the same from my wife? YES!!!!!

My head hurts and I have not slept more than about 3-5 hours daily since D-Day 7 weeks ago. (O yes, I have stopped smoking and have started dieting.)

I should be happy that WW has not left me so far and that she is doing her best everyday to work on our M.

I am angry with myself because I have turned into a thread-jacker today too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sorry for the thead-jacking...move along now, nothing to see here...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think the issues in KMEJ's situation run so far deeper than this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree lemon, but there are two ways (or more) to look at this. There is the medical way, that every behavior is a symptom of a deeper problem and the behavior will not change until the problem or disease is treated and cured....OR...that life is made up of actions and behaviors that stem from habits, and if we were to change our actions and behaviors to something more conducive to a loving R and make them a habit, then our R strengthens and we become happier. Ignore the underlying problem? No, but fix the behavior and work ont he problem over time.

An example? A broken bone that arises from Osteporosis. You don't treat the Osteo. first in hopes the bone will heal...you set the bone, put it in a cast, and then work on diet, supplements, and exercise to prevent the Osteo. from getting worse...over time.

We can change our behavior now while the issues we can work on over time.

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!!!!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is an interesting way to look at things....while I like your analogy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (always easier for simpletons like myself) I don't think it is applicable IN THIS SITUATION. I have debated this ad nauseum with the very likeable and gregarious KMEJ. SHe knows what my stance is on things and now all I can do is be here to "support" her. IN all honesty, without seeming like an overly negative guy, I think her situation calls for drastic action....to use your analogy---> doing a mid humeral (arm) amputation and measuring for a prosthesis is akin to what I THINK She needs to do to fix this "broken bone".

YEs, ofcourse my prescription is not popular here on a marriage builders site, but after everything that has happened to KMEJ, it is what I would be prescribing stat. She is going to end up doing ONLY what she can emotionally handle, and that is ok. SHe knows that she is SOLELY responsible for what happens to her and her children from here on out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> not to worry greergan, I did not take it as a personal attack! I figured you were just venting. I am serious when I say I coud use your insight to what happened and how it makes/made you feel so that I can better understand and so that I do not make the same mistakes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok then, here is a quick background.

Met W 5 years ago this coming February. Started dating July 4th same year. End of August moved in with W and her 2 children. Married November same year. May of following year our daughter was born. (Do the math <wink>).

I gave up the single life style to be with the people that I loved.

The kids coninually get told by grandma mostly but also by mom that I/WE as parents should be doing EVERYTHING for them and NOTHING for ourselves. My wife has never defended herself or me when grama has said that we do not treat our kids right.

I have tried to teach responsibility and accountability.

So basically my step daughter mostly and to a lesser degree my step son look at me as a servant.

They are loath to do as I ask and when I become stearn they tattle on me for 'yelling' at them. I have very, very rarely raized my voice in anger.

So then I see this thread and my dander gets up. This is my story. This is the story I have been trying to explain to my wife for years.

It hurts to be told that I am acting like a baby by my wife when all I want is a healthy and real relationship with the women that I married.

I have fear that she will read this thread and see my posts and then...I can hear it "I never asked you to sacrifice so much, you are the one that came to see me every day since that July 4th, you can go when ever you want".....

Ya know what? I took on the responsibilities of a ready made family because I loved and still love them all. My anger is because I feel very little respect from my wife, mother-in-law and step-daughter.

My anger is because through words and actions (both before and during her affair)my wife has made it clear that I am not important to her even though I have only ever asked for a couple of hours at the end of the day or a date when she could fit me in, or even just the 2 of us going shopping and holding hands instead of taking the whole crew out every time.

My anger is because I have basically been a single parent a minimum of 3 days a week for the last 2 years. During that time I have not always done the best but I have never neglected the children. Even so I have been acussed of it by my wife and MIL based on the dissatisfaction of a 13 girl who has always been told that there are few or no consiquences for her actions and that it is OK to bend the truth or understate/overstate the facts to get what she wants.

My anger is because the issue that this thread has brought up is one of my deal breakers and I fear a negative reaction from my wife even though she has begun to show me more respect, affection and attention then since the first few months we where together.

I could go on and on and on I suppose...but there is enough here to get the picture.

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

Putting your spouse first means that you both agree and follow through on basic child raising issues.

Give each other a quick hug and kiss when one or the other of you gets home. Even if your toddler is yelling something about she wants another cookie and juice.

Make the toddler sleep in her own bed (for sure not in yours).

The kids have a set bed time and WILL be in bed at that time. After all you and your spouse deserve alone time and time with each other.

Agree together on discipline and follow through on it together ever time it is needed. If discipline is need then dish it out and expect support from your spouse when they get home. Support each other at all times in front of the children, unless you married a basurd and then you need to be leaving anyway.

When in doubt your spouse should win, or at least be fairly heard about discrepency between your spouse and one of the children. You can both apologize and make it up to the child later if needed.

Ask for something special for the kids (staying up late or something) in private...never put your spouse on the spot.

Praise your spouse when your spouse has done a good job with the children and if you spouse usually does a good job with the children then occassionaly let it be know that you appreciate that.

Never, ever, ever, ever tell your spouse something about their parenting abilities that will hurt them unless it is absolutely true.

*****************

These are greergan's few simple rules for parents to get along while raising children and trying to keep their marriage alive and well.

Give each other a quick hug and kiss when one or the other of you gets home. Even if your toddler is yelling something about she wants another cookie and juice.

I totally agree with that. I almost always say hello to my H when I get home, and try to give him a hug and or kiss, he is usually the one that backs away or pushes me away. I would LOVE it if H would say hi, give a kiss or ask about my day.

Make the toddler sleep in her own bed (for sure not in yours).

Again- I agree, now for my first two kids I let them sleep with us, I did not realize how much that angered and hurt my H, however he never offered to put them back in their bed or get them in the night when they cried- back in the day I just figured if he would not help, I did not care. With our third child- after he started the A- I got him to sleep in his own bed. Best thing I could have done, all I have to do is sing "Good Night Sweetheart" lay him down and he says "ni-ni mama" and rolls over, melts my heart. While with the other two I struggle to get them to stay in bed, and the 4 year old is almost always in my bed by morning.

The kids have a set bed time and WILL be in bed at that time. After all you and your spouse deserve alone time and time with each other.

so very important- I hear you here- sometimes so hard to do, however when H is home I do my very best to make it happen.

Agree together on discipline and follow through on it together ever time it is needed. If discipline is need then dish it out and expect support from your spouse when they get home. Support each other at all times in front of the children

So wish this was the case. H and I do not agree on tactics at all, we are so different. I try to talk with them first, and set ground rules, H just tends to get upset, and tends to act before he thinks. I think he is way to hard on the kids, and he thinks I am way to easy. I have asked several times to sit down and discuss something that we can agree on, and all he says is if I did it his way everything would be fine- which is his view on everything.

I also agree with you on alone time, with our work schedules we barely have any freetime together, and I would like a few hours a week just me and him- and more then just for SF. Not that SF is not important to me it is very important, and we fit it in when ever we can, but I need more attention from H then when he needs/wants SF. Oh yeah and I want some SF back as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> (blushing) I want when he says he is going to wake me when he gets home if I um- yeah- (blushing again) OS then I want him to do it, not go to a friends house after work and blow me off.

geergan-I want what you want, only I am not Jealous of my kids I am jealous of his friends!! For some reason I can not compete with them. My H has one day off this week- tomorrow and he just told me that his friend is coming over and hanging out with him all day, and then they are going bowling when I get home- there goes my 2 hours with H. I am very disappointed, and H does not understand why. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> SO believe me I hear you loud and clear.