I've been fighting longer than 5 months...I just didn't know it. Hind sight is 20/20.
There has been so much damage...I could never be with him again. There is a lot of stuff that I never posted on MB just because I didn't want to go there....I have tired very hard to save my marriage...believe me! He chose to give up his family for the OW. He has to live with that. I can't live this life anymore! I know in my heart that I am a good person and I will shine one day!

Orchid...I always love your responses. I have responded to one email about finances...that's it! Basically I'm taking care of all the bills with my parents help so there really is no need for me to talk to him about it at this point.

I've been fighting longer than 5 months...I just didn't know it. Hind sight is 20/20.
There has been so much damage...I could never be with him again. There is a lot of stuff that I never posted on MB just because I didn't want to go there....I have tired very hard to save my marriage...believe me! He chose to give up his family for the OW. He has to live with that. I can't live this life anymore! I know in my heart that I am a good person and I will shine one day!

Orchid...I always love your responses. I have responded to one email about finances...that's it! Basically I'm taking care of all the bills with my parents help so there really is no need for me to talk to him about it at this point.

Chris,

I think there comes a point in a person's life when they know that they are done. For some people, it could take years while other's might realize this within just a few short months. Doesn't mean that she didn't try long or hard enough. There is only so much a person can take and unless one walks in that person's shoes, we cannot really judge him/her.

I also think that dragging things out years and years can severely damage a person's belief and self-esteem and sometimes you can tolerate to be hurt for so long.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> I'm done!!!!
Then you don't really need to be in Plan B.

And four months of your time is all your 15 year marriage (and your child) is worth? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I'm not saying TreeReich is right or wrong.
Just that she needs to make sure of what she's doing. Don't react to the situation. Act upon it.

I think there comes a point in a person's life when they know that they are done.
Agreed.

If she's done, then get a divorce. Why go into Plan B? She's not trying to minimize the hurt so she can save the marriage. Simply be nice and get it (marriage) over with.

There is only so much a person can take and unless one walks in that person's shoes, we cannot really judge him/her.
I'm not judging her in any way. Simply that just because we "feel" we are "done" that does not necessarily mean we are.
If we were to go by that standard, then the marriage would be over as soon as any emotional affair takes hold.

I also think that dragging things out years and years can severely damage a person's belief and self-esteem and sometimes you can tolerate to be hurt for so long.
Which is the exact reason Plan B came about. This stops the "damage".

How is a divorce going to stop the damage to a the self esteem and stop the hurt?
There are plenty of issues to deal with without having to deal with a divorce also.
A divorce will almost never make things "better/easier" for either party.

Harley says to wait for good reasons, not "just because". He
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage CAN and DO survive affairs, even after both parties think it is absolutely, positively, without a doubt, over.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most people (ws and bs) regret at some time having divorced.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The bs needs time to "just get over it". This is what the waiting is for.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair WILL end. This allows the bs to make a decision based on what they want, not based on the only thing available.If the affair is ongoing, they have no choice whether to reconcile or not. All they can do is wait or divorce.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris,

I am all for saving most marriages. However, ive been following Treereich's posts pretty much from the beginning and cannot believe some of the things this man has done to her. First he walks out on her, then i remember one incident in which he got p'd off that Tree had driven by OW's house and said OW would puncture Trees tires or burn down her house or some such nonsense. he systematically quit paying all her expenses and routinely threatens to take away her computer, car , her son, you name it. Now he had the water shut off by not paying the bill so he could take custody of their son. I think Tree is a very gracious woman, but it would take a saint to forgive his trying to terrorize her for these past 4 months. I don't know, maybe some marriages shouldn't be saved?

shelly3 and kati...
thank you! You are so right...There comes a point where you have to draw the line. My WH has done so many things that have damaged any hop in this marriage.

Chris-CA123....
I truly understand what you are saying and don't take it as a personal attack. You have to know that I have tried to save my marriage with all my heart and at one point would have done anything to have my H back. He chose to do this not me. In the past few months I have realized that I don't wanbt this man anymore. He isn't the man I love. I have to move on for me. I didn't just decide to throw inthe towel in a few months. We have had problemns before and this just put the icing on the cake.
I deserve so much better.
I think that anybody who fights and stays in plan B for however long it takes for them is wonderful. I wish everyone here a happy recovery...it's just not going to happen for me. My WH's family has also turned on me and is blaming me for my WH's affair. I could never be a part of this family again. I just can't do that to myself.

Tree, the "what's the point of plan B" question makes perfect sense. But so let's call it something else.

If you aren't communicating with him because it hurts you, you have a right to do that. But that is a whole other plan.

I think if the in-laws have turned on you, that's a big problem. Car4love (OMW in graycloud land) is in a similar situation. OM's family have accommodated the affair from day one. Imagine a huge family full of card-carrying conflict avoiders. Yech.

GC

Miss Tree -

I really like Orchid's idea of sending a letter to your lawyer. My WH is just like yours, sending letters that he would like to help me financially (usually when he has no money). When he gets some money, I don't hear from him. It is just a way for them to justify their behavior and try to get away from their guilt.

I had way too much contact with my WH, and all it did was hurt me more. Finally I lost my love for him. Now I look at him as someone I don't want to talk to or be around.

Actually I think it is a healthy thing. Our self-esteem is coming back, and we see that we deserve much more than we are getting.

graycloud... I agree. I'm really not in the "typical plan B". I guess mine is more plan C for keeping from getting hurt any further.

believer...
I plan on giving my lawyer the emails. You are so right.....I am choosing to not have any contact with my WH because every time I talk to him "it's my fault" and I need to move on and get over it. Well, that's what I'm trying to do is move on and I don't need him to tell me how to live my life. He didn't seem to care about my well being while he was having this A so why bother now?
Even if he came home begging me to take him back my answer would still be NO. I am truly done!

I'm definitely not a psychiatrist, but that email just screams projection!

Here is the meaning for the word projection..

Projection.....The attribution of one's own attitudes, feelings, or desires to someone or something as a naive or unconscious defense against anxiety or guilt.

So true TTSI!

Tree - You will be just fine. Just continue ignoring what your WH writes - except for the part you send to your lawyer.

I have about 20 letters from WH trying to justify his affair. I read them, and then throw them in a box. His letters are getting friendlier, but now he gives me the creeps. He has turned into a person that I would not even consider as an acquaintance.

My biggest hurtle was realizing that the man I loved and married is gone.

I was not “attacking” you at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope you didn’t take it that way.
And I expounded a bit not just because of you but also for the sake of others reading this thread.

I see you have been registered here for ever and a day. Hopefully you have become very familiar with the MB principles and how relationships fail and can be repaired.

I just don’t want to see people (you included) have knee-jerk reactions and think they should make life changing decisions based on that reaction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Such as when a ws has an affair and says the marriage is over. I can’t count how many times I have heard that here and then later the (no longer) ws cannot believe the things they said.

Okay?

believer...
I know what you mean. My WH has become someone that disgusts me.
I know there is someone better out there for me.
It is hard to realize that the person you have loved for so long is gone.

Chris...
I didn't take it personal. I understand your point. I have given my situation a lot of thought and for me this is the best thing. He really has become someone I'm not even interested in. Actually it's been that way for a long time...the affair just opened my eyes to it.
I do believe that for a lot of people there is hope and they will recover but for me it's time to end this marriage.

Tree -

I am right with you. My WH was always a good man, a kind man, an honorable man. That is what I loved about him. I had admired him for 10 years before we married.

However, he has turned into a cold, calculating liar. He is someone I would not want in my life at all. It is really creepy.

It is funny how things change. This is a man that I no longer recognize.

believer..
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don recognize my WH either. I would never go out with someone like him now. NEVER!!! He's become such a shallow person. Tonight at my son's game I noticed that my WH doesn't look like he's getting much sleep these days. His eyes look hollow! It is creepy!

Tree -

Well, this is the hand we have been dealt, and we have to do the best we can. My husband has changed into a different man. That is what makes me so sad.
He has been madly in love with OW, who has completely abandoned her 12 year old daughter.
I have given up, and moved on with my life. After seeing WH do his thing for 22 months, I have decided that this is a man that I would never have given the time of day. I would never have been interested in him at all.