Fellow MB-ers and old friends,

It's late and this is the quickest way I know of to let you all know--I very much need your prayers. Actually, not so much me, but my son needs your prayers.

He has recently (within the last two months or so) fallen into a bad crowd at school, and he was skipping out of class and not doing his homework. Well...for several weeks he was able to hide this from me by deleting the messages from the school attendance and teachers, etc., but this last Wednesday I found out. I spoke with the school, spoke with the teachers and got the whole scoop. WOW!

Okay, my son has never been a perfect kid--he's not a great student because he's ADHD and needs some special adjustments...but still!! We basically had the understanding between us that he had to really be trying his best (putting forth his best effort), and if he still didn't have a great grade I understood. A lot of teachers have so many kids in their class, they don't feel like or understand how to deal with a kid with ADHD, so we constantly struggle with this. Hey, we count it a great success if he brings the right homework home, works on it, gets it to school, and gets it turned it!!!!

Anyway, so since he has been skipping school and not doing his homework (and consequently had failing grades for the semester), I told him that this was NOT going to continue...that if he was not going to go to classes, that he was not going to go to school and fool around with kids who were encouraging him in his irresponsibility, etc. I mean, he makes his own choices, but it's harder to make a choice for HIGH MORAL CHARACTER when you surround yourself with people who smoke, drink, flunk, skip out, and blame the "pigs"!

He was mad about it all weekend, giving me the attitude: "FINE!! I won't EVER be able to have ANY MORE FUN!!" and that kind of Oh-Poor-Me stuff. I don't think he understands yet that his choice to skip class affects not only him, but also his sister and I--and his dad too I suppose. I see little or no responsibility in his behavior, and I doubt if he realizes that his whole future is also affected by his choices now. But that's the way 18yo's are.

I feel like I have been a good mom to him, bringing him up right, making sure he's cared for and provided for, and teaching him by example and words how to be angry appropriately, etc. It feels to me as if he made some EXTREMELY poor choices, and when I laid down the law and gave him some consequences, rather than admit his error, he chose to run from them and make even MORE bad choices.

Please pray for him to realize what he's doing, and please pray for me to continue to allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. SH1T!! I was hoping he would make better decisions! Now, I need to be strong and let him get in trouble for making these crummy decisions!!! AARRGGHH!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'll be looking for him all day tomorrow and probably calling the police. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.


CJ

You got it, CJ.

A friend of mine has a 17yo son who wanted to drop out of high school.

A teacher the boy respected had a talk with him, and this teacher told him, "If you drop out, 95% of the decisions of your adult life will have been made for you." I guess it worked on him. She felt so grateful for having found somebody the kid would listen to.

GC

Hey CJ - I'm praying for you and your family... had a similar situation with our 17 yo daughter back in June of this year...

Semper Fi,
RIF

What is it with 17yo??? Do they think they own the world, or is it just me??

My son actually turns 18yo in a month, so of course he is throwing that in my face...

RIF, what did you do with your D?? How did it turn out?? Just trying to grasp how this might all play out...

BLEEEECH.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> ...A teacher the boy respected had a talk with him... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, of everything in this whole divorce scenario, this is the one thing I miss the most deeply--a parenting partner.

I know that most kids do not have good relationships with their parents--at least not close and admiring! heehee--but if not their parents, there is someone in their life. Whenever I try to talk to my exH about things like this when I need another adult to respond, what I get is a selfish little boy! If my exH can not be a co-parent for his own child, I sure wish there was someone--a man--whom my son knew and respected who could SPEAK to him "man-to-man" and show him what it means to be a man of good character! Right now, his only role model of male behavior is his dad, and my exH (son's dad) is a sex addict with untreated bipolar and borderline personality disorders. In other words, "dad" is a mess and really no help.

Sigh.

Not my best night.


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulNewCJ:
<strong> What is it with 17yo??? Do they think they own the world, or is it just me??

My son actually turns 18yo in a month, so of course he is throwing that in my face...

RIF, what did you do with your D?? How did it turn out?? Just trying to grasp how this might all play out...

BLEEEECH.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


CJ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi CJ,

Well, you know that I'm deployed so I wasn't even around. My W didn't let me know until the second day that she was missing...

My daughter started hanging out with a 'bad' group of kids... My daughter had just gotten her drivers license and went out with these "friends"... the condensed version is: Got truck stuck down by the river, abandoned truck, truck gets vandalized, daughter is too scared to call or go home, decides to stay with "friends" for two days. W files missing persons report, calls her mom to drive down from MS, finally tells me on day 2... Friend from work pulls truck out, daughter finally comes home on day 2.5, daughter stops hanging out with these 'friends'.

All is well now... daughter doesn't have a vehicle to drive and isn't very happy about that but at least she's hanging out with a different group of friends now...

All I could do was pray for her... and you know what? It worked. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

Yep, I hear ya.

One of my greatest comforts right now is that I know my son. He's basically a good kid, raised right--it's just like he got in with these bad kids and they steered him astray from his real self. I know that no matter where he goes, God is there, so in some ways I'm not panicked...just sick to my stomach.

I'm also kind of wondering at this point what to do when he does come back. It seems to me as if a "Love Must Be Tough" stance is appropriate. Is this a little like a WS asking to come back (weak smile)?? I'm going to need to set some pretty tough boundaries upon his return.

Well, I'm off to have a cup of tea. I can't stand just sitting here. I feel jittery inside.


CJ

Dear CJ,

As a parent, you have my deepest support. I shudder to think how bold these young ones think they are. Guess we did also but times weren't as bad as they are now. Can't even step out of one's house without checking all directions and not just for cars. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You have my prayers of support and when that rugrat gets back, let him know a few more parents have stressed right along with you. If he asks who, just say all around the world the word went out.....to be on the lookout for a young foolish boy who caused his mother grief even if for a moment. That moment could have damaging effects on your health, let him chew on that thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

CJ I am very sad this has hit you. Such crises do tend to eacerbate other problems in our lives, I find.

17 YO boys are all idiots, you know that. Its a bit of envelope pushing going on, and he's flexing his independence muscles.

I am near certain nothing bad will come of it, but I can understand your pain.

I will pray that your son's inherent goodness will come though and he will let you know he is safe then return having realised his 'independent' adventure was not so cool after all.
{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}

Hey CJ -

Just as an "aside" in our little saga... When my W finally told me that our daughter was missing, she said, "I just can't believe how irresponsible and stupid she's acting... It's so frustrating for me to be dealing with all of this"... then she asked me if I "knew what she ment"...

I couldn't resist, and I said "Yes dear... I know exactly what you are dealing with, I've been through this before." and didn't say another word. She got very quiet, then said "Oh, yeah... I'm sorry."

Then we said a quick prayer for our daughter and everything was OK between us... Our daughter came back later that afternoon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Any word on your son? Please let us know as soon as you hear something...

Semper Fi,
RIF

CJ,

Teenagers are SO difficult, particularly for single Moms.

You are both in my prayers...your entire family is.

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now...and I understand it.

I have a 15 y.o. son who has been a huge challenge this past year. His attitude dictates the mood of the entire family (I know, I've got to find a way to not let it affect ME so much). Last month I found out that he has smoked pot (he said 2x, which may be true, I don't know). And, he had some friends over just a few days before that. $5 went missing from the table. One of his cd's. Then I noticed, only last week, that our digital camera is not to be found, and I know it was out in the open, and easily accessible.

I am sick with worry about this boy. He has been read the riot act, and "seems" to be improving.

I tell you this because I want you to know you are not alone...and by reading these posts above you have a LOT of company.

Let's hope he doesn't get a lot of food and warmth out there, and he yearns for home soon. Could be that when he returns as the prodigal son he'll appreciate more what he has. That is the prayer I will say for him.

In my prayers CJ that he will see he can come home anytime and ring you very soon.

I'm not sure where kids get the idea they cannot face Mom or Dad over some so silly little things.
They all seem to go through the stage to some extent or the other & I guess we did to.

Oh CJ! I am so sorry! You must be terrified, 17 is pretty young and inexperienced to be out on his own. Please be sure to let me know if there is anything I can do. Love and prayers coming at ya.

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is it with 17yo??? Do they think they own the world, or is it just me?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, CJ, it's not you.

Ever heard the phrase, "been there, done that?" Yes, it applies to things like this too.

My youngest daughter(of 4 children) was my "prodigal daughter."

Much of what you are describing is similar to what we went through with her. This is the hard part to accept: because you love your son you do all that you can so that he will KNOW that he was not "abandoned." BUT you also know that he has passed the "age of accountability" and IS responsible for his actions.

Yes, as a parent, it hurts. Especially since you love him and want the best for him and want to protect him...AND because you know more about the possible future paths that are dependent upon what he chooses.

In our case, we met with teachers, had counseling sessions set up (she "missed" every one of them), and finally had to simply "be there" as best we could while establishing some "house rules." We prayed for her and trusted in God to work in her life, even if it was not according our "our" schedule" or desire.

So, with 1 semester of High School left, at the ripe old age of 17, she dropped out and moved out.

To make a long "saga" short, at 19 she finally began to "come to her senses" and completed her high school degree. Now, at 20, she is planning on dipping her toes into the College scene at a local Community College.

CJ, it's hard on parents, but each child is different and sometimes they cause us pain as they think they "know it all." I'm not too old to remember what it was like for me back in High School, learning to be "in charge" and make my own decisions. Not all of them were good, and I guess it is part of the process of "growing up."

ADHD can increase the problems, as you well know. Especially when the "easy way out" is to NOT have to exert yourself to study, etc. It increases in difficulty when they begin to spend more time with their "peers," good crowd or bad crowd, because virtually none of them is "mature" yet. They don't help each other, they enable each other. They think listening and agreeing is "always" helpful and the best way to go. Why? Because if they don't, "he/she won't like me or be my friend anymore."

Add to that drugs and alcohol (also very common and something my daughter was into), toss in raging teenage hormones, and you have a volatile mix of letting "emotions" control reason.

CJ, while it is hard to do because it will likely be rejected by your son at this stage in his life, the best thing you can do for him (since he has chosen a path away from the family) is to let him know that you love him, that he always has a place at home, and that just like he has established for his own life, there ARE "house rules" that must be followed. He needs to KNOW (even if he is rejecting them right now) that there ARE limits, boundaries, standards, and God. He needs to hear that NONE of us "gets to live without rules." Society and families collapse without some restraints on our selfish, self-indulgent nature.

In the meantime, let me offer a hug of sincere understanding of how emotionally difficult this is on you and your husband....

((((((((((FaithfulNewCJ))))))))))

May God bless and comfort you. May He surround your son with angels for protection and lead him back to those who truly love him.

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

dear cj---mine started this crap also---just much much younger than yours....he started it at 13. he is now 15. i have him clean and sober----and we are now working on the behavioral. its tough so if you need help with anything let me know...weve been through it all, twice, with this kid. ill be praying for you both.

CJ,

Just saw this chere. I have unfortunately been there too...my daughter ran away at least 4 times. Its so scary!! My prayers are with you....please let us know when he's home safe!

You and your family will be in my prayers.
{{{HUGS}}}}

CJ,

another prayer has been sent out for you and your son.

Karen

GC, RIF, Orchid, Bob, ISGirl, JanetS, aussiewife, cerri, ForeverHers, nikko, star*fish, and TreeReich:

Thank you so much for your support and prayers. Just a quick update: he has not come home yet nor have I heard from him, so during the day today I will be reporting him to the police. For a brief time last night I did consider not reporting him because he is so close to 18yo, but I quickly came to my own senses. Fact is, he IS 17yo not 18, and just by his behavior and choices, he is clearly not mature enough to be making wise decisions. Nope, it's for his own best to let him now experience the consequences of his decision.

Sooo...my plan for the day is sticking with the basics: walk the dog, remember to eat, vacuum, yoga, pay the rent, that kind of thing. I still have my obligations even if he's choosing to go off the deep end. Meanwhile, I'm holding up fairly well--did finally get a little sleep last night. I suspect he will "crash" with some of his so-called friends until the cops find him.

To some degree, I understand this is a teenage, rebellious, independence-flexing thing...after all, I've BTDT too! It's just so sad to know that he had a good home, with nice things provided and family who actually did love him--and he would choose to throw all that away so he could "have fun" with his fake friends. I remember when we were going through our D, I wished there was ONE GOOD FRIEND who really loved my exH who would tell him, "What the he!! are you doing?? You had a family, a successful business, kids, and a wife who loved you, and you're throwing it away for what again???"...but no one stepped up. How sad for him! No true friends. Same thing is happening here. The people he hangs with that he thinks are "friends" are exactly what you'all said...enablers. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> For my son, I do wish he had ONE TRUE FRIEND who really loved him who would stand up to him and tell him, "What the He!! are you doing?? You had a cool bedroom, a mom and a sis who loved you and treated you well (who were cool!--heehee), and you're throwing it away to live on the street, hiding from cops, skipping school, living with nothing...SO YOU CAN HAVE FUN?? How is that FUN?"

ForeverHers, I like what you said about the "house rules"--that's pretty much exactly how I was going to deal with this. It's a little bit like a WS returning after Plan B! Today I'm going to determine the things that I'm going to require if he wants to try to come back home, and I'm turning to "Love Must Be Tough" for guidance. I'm thinking of the usual house rules (like attend school, complete homework, household chores, etc.) PLUS stuff like counseling and extra accountability protocols.

Sigh.

Thank God I have today and tomorrow off at work.


CJ