I’m in such pain!! A year ago I was in recovery with my W, ( d-day in Aug ’03, after her 10 month A. I discover 1 week later it’s her 2nd during our M) recently promoted and happy for the chance to make the M work. Then in January, loss after loss, pain after pain, trial after trial.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Jan ’04: Youngest son gets virus, nearly dies. While in hospital W tells me she isn’t sure about the M (has been secretly breaking NC)

Feb ’04: OM comes to visit W for first time in 6 mos. W begins the vacillation game (“I love you, I’ll stay.” “Wait! If you love me, let me leave”. “Hold on…I’ll wait until September and decide”, etc.

Mar ’04: Boss begins to pressure me about my lack of presence at job, W and I return to counseling where it’s suggested we work on opening W’s medical practice and raising the kids for 3 mos. w/o talk of divorce or reconciliation. W acts supportive of me during my job trials, promises to support us if I quit, then the next day tells the OM to call me to clarify some point I made about him.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> April: ’04: I crash. Depression so bad was placed in hospital for 2 weeks and medicated. While in, family and friends found out about A and OM. W tries to convince family and Dr's that I’m psychotic and then leaves our kids to fly to OM. I return to an emotional monster, who had divorce papers waiting for me.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> May ’04: W begins to flaunt OM and A. Talks to him in front of me. (Despite Dr.'s warnings)Tells people I’m emotionally abusing her.

June 28: W opens her medical practice on our 13th wedding anniversary to make the point of her goal to start a new life without me. The practice was built with my support, using business plans I developed, with our credit and my back (physically moving in).

July ’04: Mediation. W gives up house and 50% custody in order to exit marriage and avoid OM’s exposure in court. All she wants is him.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Aug ’04: W moves out with boys. The same night, youngest son, 2, gets sick AGAIN, this time with meningitis. Almost dies-AGAIN. Three days later divorce is final. xW calls everyone singing “I’m free”, “I’m free”. Week later, I’m accused and investigated for sexual harassment at work. By the end of the month, I’m being pressured to leave on account of my recent absences (due to court dates and son’s illness). Given 30 days to change.

Sept ’04: xW tries to make nice during my b-day. Depression becoming worse.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Oct ’04: Told at work I’ve “out of the red” Best news in months

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Nov ’04: I get unilaterally transferred to a site 35 miles away with a job I don’t want. I find out that they planned to do this since Sept., if I didn’t quit. Told by my VP my current supervisor simply doesn’t want to work with me. Depression now crushing me.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Dec’ 04: At legal impasse with job. Not currently at work. I feel abandoned rejected and alone

Hard to deal with the fact that this year I was hospitalized, medicated, harassed, divorced, and transferred all against my will. My boss, my xW, friends, and even the OM have all told me that the decisions others have placed on me are good for them, so I should be happy. I AM SICK OF PAYING FOR OTHERS’ CHOICES! I’m trying so hard, SO HARD, to keep faith, feel worthwhile and rise from this. But trial after trial, pain after pain…

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: dleightonc ]</small>

My favorite psalm in my darkest times:


Psalm 37
Of David.
1 [a] Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,

like green plants they will soon die away.



3 Trust in the LORD and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.



5 Commit your way to the LORD ;

trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.



7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when men succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes.



8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;

do not fret-it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,

but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.



10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;

though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land

and enjoy great peace.



12 The wicked plot against the righteous

and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,

for he knows their day is coming.



14 The wicked draw the sword

and bend the bow

to bring down the poor and needy,

to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,

and their bows will be broken.



16 Better the little that the righteous have

than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,

but the LORD upholds the righteous.



18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD ,

and their inheritance will endure forever.

19 In times of disaster they will not wither;

in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.



20 But the wicked will perish:

The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,

they will vanish-vanish like smoke.



21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,

but the righteous give generously;

22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,

but those he curses will be cut off.



23 If the LORD delights in a man's way,

he makes his steps firm;

24 though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the LORD upholds him with his hand.



25 I was young and now I am old,

yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken

or their children begging bread.

26 They are always generous and lend freely;

their children will be blessed.



27 Turn from evil and do good;

then you will dwell in the land forever.

28 For the LORD loves the just

and will not forsake his faithful ones.

DLee,

Whew. Sorry to hear that at the time you needed your best support, your W acted like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Seems like the world has deserted you, eh? But I know you know better than that.

How are your children now? You know what is also scary? The WS is out there in a business that is suppose to help lives not hurt them.

So do you feel the WS, boss, company & OM squeezed the life out of you? Well they certainly did try but you are still standing. A bit wobbly and weak maybe but still standing. For that you s/b commended.

Now DLee, what do you need to do? What are your plans? How can we help you get back to the road of confidence and success with your personal recovery?

See the day of the WS crashing is coming. When, where and how isn't defined but it is coming. You though have the opportunity to be in a stronger place when it does happen. For your sake and that of your children.

Hugz,
L.

Prayer, encouragement and usable advice is what I need now, Orchid. Thanks. You have been there for so many of us, God is blessing you every day for it.

My mind "knows" this can't last. It understands that I still have a home, a job, and a close relationship with my boys. My mind sees this and more, but my hear feels empty. I don't want to cede any more. i don't feel I can take one more forced chnage. My pastor said I feel this way b/c everything important to me has been ripped from me and here is where I feel I can take a stand. Maybe. I loved my job and its locale. I love (still, God help me) my WxW. I love of, course our children. All that is changed or shifted. I know I'm not the only person that has experienced this, but right now I feel so alone and broken.

How do I move toward a feeling that I'm not a pawn in my own life? When do I push when do I manage? When do I fight? When do I let go?

DLee,

You are close to letting go. You have some constant loves still in your life and they will never go away.

Work with what and who you can count on. Yourself, your relationship with God and your children.

Here is something that has always brought me comfort:

"No temptation has taken you except what is common to men. but God faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for you to be able to endure it."

While these words speak of 'temptation' what comforts me is that whatever befalls us we will be given the strength to endure it. This strength comes from our life's epxeriences and help from others.

For all the trials I have personally experienced, especially when everything looked futile, it was comforting to know survival was and is possible. That is why it is important for me to pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. I got it by heeding counsel like what is written above and more. Without it, I would not have survived.

I know you can also. I know of a BS dad who has 2 children, he had to give them to his WS temporarily while completing his milatary service. This is quite hard on him. The WS is very unforgiving. Yet he does see light at the end of the tunnel. He has a lot of his life ahead of him and he knows he will be enjoying it with his children soon. BTW, this person sometimes reads MB. He used to post here before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just wanted to share.

L.

L:

Thanks for the comforting words. I must learn to look at what I have and not what I"ve lost. Thanks for reminding me that God is the constant here and my children will endure.

I feel I need some time off from work and home. I've not breathed since this all started. Perhaps a couple of weeks out of town can settle me.

DLee,

You probably do need a break but after the break you may still feel overwhelmed. What you really need is a plan. One that will take some of the burden off your shoulders.

Let's call on some of the MBers here who excel in these plans. Whatta say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Sounds good. Who are they and how do I start?

Done. I posted a separate thread asking for help. Now relax a bit and do some deep breathing exercises. No hyperventilating ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I believe bad luck comes in three...so maybe your bad luck is over and its time to start new...GOD has ways of answering prayers...maybe this break is your opportunity for you to get better.

Take care

DLee,

I can't offer you much advice as I'm fairly new, what I can say is something that Orchid said:

You probably do need a break but after the break you may still feel overwhelmed. What you really need is a plan. One that will take some of the burden off your shoulders.

As we all know we can't control our WS's, what we can control is ourselves and our relationships with our children and God. I'm still in Plan A, however I take comfort that I have given myself a timeline to move to Plan B, Jan 1st. Just knowing that I have a timeline for my WW's direct pain/influence on me to end is very soothing/encouraging.

So as Orchid said, come up with a plan, start small like you said take a little break. Then start making a daily/weekly schedule of "me time"

Best of luck and I'll say a prayer for you!
Native

I know that you feel like everyone is hitting you when you are down. That is I felt until several months ago. My WH had been living with (and lying about it) the OW. I lost half my family, as his kids avoided me - and this is after I raised them.

It seemed like WH and OW had it all. But you know what - any relationship that begins by causing others so much pain is sure to fail.

OW is now living back with her husband, and my WH is a broken man. Now I am practically gloating. But I leaned on everyone here and started making changes in myself and my life. My life is better than it ever has been.

You will get through this. It doesn't seem like it now, but you will. You are a good and honorable man - that is the most important thing. So hang in there and stick with us, and we will help you through this.

DL,

You don't know me on this board, and I don't post much, but I keep up with your thread because there are some similarities between your situation and mine. (e.g., difficulty at job, etc.) I wish I knew exactly what to tell you, or how to help you formulate a plan, but I'm not one of the MB experts. Just want to say that I wish you the best.

Also, if it helps, I thought I would share a "trick" that helps me keep moving forward. I force myself to complete at least 3 projects at work every day and to do at least 1 personal thing that improves my life. (OK, depending on your work and/or goals, this may need to be 3 sub-categories of a project, or you may instead set aside 30-60 minutes a day for a particular goal, whatever works, and some days I'm better than others). Giving yourself "rules" to follow when you are knocked over by a tragedy is something that I learned in grief counseling many years ago, and it seems to help in situations when you feel despair, or like things are out of control and everything has gone wrong. It's not unlike MB, where you follow the Plans despite what your emotions tell you or what you feel like doing.

Also, at times I have been on my knees just praying for mercy, and for peace and comfort, and it will come. The Pslam above is beautiful and it hit home for me.

I'm not sure if I'm helping. May God give you peace and comfort.

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: cuteIShot ]</small>

DL,

I can't say my sitch is the same as your's but know in your heart that I stand by your side. I feel your pain. Not more then five day's ago I sat someplace quiet and not only contemplated the end of my life but was so ready to do it that I shook with anger and fear for what this A has done to me and my children. I know longer look at what she is saying or doing, I look at what I am Saying and doing.

I am one of those unfortunate souls that has the ability to lose at least 1 job a yr but find a new one within a couple months. My own doing because I worry about my ww and what she is doing.

You will survive this and when that day comes you will look up and thank God for the path he set you on.

You seem very strong unlike me, but trust in yourself and follow that love you have for your children, because in the end. it is for them that you survive.

I have three wonderful children and a very alien ww who wants to stay and heal me for what she has done and also claims she will be moving out in June. I hope she decided that I have become what she always loved and will stay but if she should choose the path of least resistance and move out, She will be doing it with my blessing and the knowledge that I have done everything I can to save my M.

How old are your boy's? They seem very lucky to have such a strong father who loves them.

Your ww may one day wake up and realize that the Om is not as beneficial as you were. Show her that you are so strong that you will love this new position you are in and make the best of it, because you love those boys.

See an IC if you need to. If ever you need a friend to talk to day or night you can contact me on yahoo --- mschluter2002

I wish you the best of luck and please stay safe and stay hopeful if not for your M then for your children, they need you. we here at Mb need you and God will not let you fail.

My boys are 2 and 5. They are the joy of my life and the reason I'm anxious for healing. They no more deserve a father whose disracted by pain than a mother who's addicted to pleasure.

btw, she just called to thank me for faxing tax papers to her. She was so nice and friendly. Those tones and attiudes just hurt me now.

dlc:

Hi man! (I'd give you a cyber hug, but maybe it'd be more "manly" 2 offer you a laurel, and hearty handshake instead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I loved faithful follower's quote from Psalms. Hey, even though I'm an atheist, I'm a spiri2al one, and I can appreciate the beauty of some of the writings in the bible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Sounds like your xW has found herself a comfy perch upon her fence. Heck, she's got the best of all worlds - she's "put you in your place" (whatever that means), she's got her unfaithful partner 2 play with, and she can call and get the occasional need 2 feel like she did the right thing after all, only at your expense.

You never did plan B, did you? Maybe now would be a good time?

I'm glad 2 hear from you again, and am anxious 2 hear from others here about helpful ideas and suggestions for you!

best,
-ol' 2long

DL, you've been treated very badly...by your xW, your job, your supervisor.

That's in the past now. Yes, your xW was singing "I'm Free" but so are you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That cruel WW, that nasty supervisor are in the past. Your old job is in your past too. Although you loved that job and locale, there were some bad elements there that you're now free of.

Is there something(s) about the new job that you DO like? If so, try to think of those things often. Are there new co-workers that you enjoy working with? It must be nice to be free of the shadow of allegations you worked under in the previous job.

And your boys! You have two gifts there! Your little one survived terrible diseases twice in such a short time. As draining as that was, knowing he has recovered must be so uplifting.

Look ahead. See the bright future. Don't let the past keep pulling you back. Let it go, it's over. I know, easier said than done. And this time of year can be an especially emotional time. But in a few weeks the holiday season and it's emotions will have passed.

If it's too soon to look ahead, focus on the present and notice the good things now -- the peace, the choices you have. You're free now. You don't have to deal with an emotional monstor in your home. You can spend your time as you please on you and your boys.

Something I read here that has helped so much, when I feel the past dragging me down, imagining the things my WH did, is to think "Don't Go There" . You really can control your thoughts. Don't LET yourself think punishing thoughts. You don't deserve it. You're young, a good person and a good dad.

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 12:48 AM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

Hi DL,

After the year you've had, I think the best thing for you to do is focus on replenishing yourself for quite a while. That means that you take care of the basics and don't worry about anything else. Basics like eating nutritionally, getting rested (even if you're not sleeping well if you lay down and close your eyes your body will get some rest), getting exercise (even a 5 minute walk will help if that's all you can do to start), etc. The things you don't worry about is dust on the furniture (unless one of the kids is allergic to dust), etc.

Your new job sounds like a fresh start. It sounds like you could use that. Remember to replenish yourself these next few months. It sounds like you need it.

Take care

DLC, I think about you all the time.

I agree with LovingBoundaries, wholeheartedly. I hope you're sticking with the basics. Get up. Care for the boys. Go to work. Eat. Sleep. Read. Try to find joy wherever you can. Try to let the pain and anxiety just sit there and spin if it needs to be there.

And if you must communicate with your wife, do it in the most businesslike and detached way you can. I know how it must hurt.

Your emotional attachment to her needs to be severed. That doesn't happen all at once, but it does happen. You may have been through all this already: if you continually tell yourself, I must let go, and keep that in mind, then even if you don't want to, even if it feels like the most unnatural thing in the world, you eventually will. Let go, I mean. And you have to do it, because it's an anchor that's pulling you into a cold, dark place.

I hope like hell that your circumstances begin to improve... but I see some bright spots. You did not have an agonizing financial battle with your ex. You're doing okay - maybe not perfect - but okay - job-wise. I bet you've met new people. Keep yourself open to new things, and cultivate new relationships that show promise. Every connection is potentially valuable.

If you feel there are wolves clawing at the foundations of your life, know also that you are ultimately safe. You are not going to wind up in the gutter.

The thing you need to learn to accept most, I think, in all areas of your life, is CHANGE. There's a cliche: sometimes it feels like change is death. But the lack of change is the real trouble. Let your life change. Accept that it must, and always will. Once you accept that change is going to always be a part of your life, you can start to see those changes positively. You aren't finished making happy memories for yourself. As long as you're alive, you will always be in the midst of an opportunity to create a wonderful memory.

GC

I'm detaching from so much. It's hard when so much time and connections have been invested. Our families are close, our friends mutual and our children young. I stay away as much as possible but some contact is unavoidable.

I'm also trying to remember that wolves can't climb and God's got me in his treehouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />