Yes, we all got ripped off, big time. Because you are right, on the way out the door, my H shredded me up too. In the WS's zeal for rationalizing and justifying horrible things, a lot of their fingers get pointed at us ~ it was OUR fault, we weren't good enough, we aren't worthy of their love and loyalty and devotion.

Whatever. As time goes on, and you heal, I believe you will begin to see the entire scenario from a totally different perspective. And not just see it from that new perspective, but FEEL it from that new perspective.

For a year, I felt inadequate, less-than, to both my H, and to the FBF/OW. I compared her to me constantly, always seeing her best and my worst paired up together. It was torturous, and it hurt, and almost drove me nuts.

Then a shift of healing happened within me. I don't compare her to me anymore, I don't wonder about what in her drew my H from me. I don't even see it like that anymore. I know we had some disfunction in our M that contributed to the A, but mostly, it was those two looking for something in each other, that they probably cannot find within themselves. Through H's IC and our MC, I think my H does find that in himself now. Maybe not all the time, but he knows it is there now ~ which he never did before. For my H, I think he was lacking self-love.

Now, I don't feel angry about the A, or victimized, or anything. Because it had so LITTLE to do with me. In fact, since my negative emotions have gone away, I feel so sorry for my H, because he will live with his actions, against himself, for the rest of his life. I know he hasn't forgiven himself yet, and I don't know if he ever will. I hope he does.

Keep plodding forward with the D paperwork, tqt. Do what you can each day with it, and know that it doesn't mean forever. You both could go a couple years, and begin to date again. Create a whole new relationship. But you cannot make her grow up now, take accountability now. You need to do what you need to do, so that you can continue on your life's path, so you can get out of the retirement work-out room and back to your gym. There is a great lady out there waiting for an UNattached tqt to swoop into her life and make her wonder how she ever lived without him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BUT, first thing's first . . . right? I know, I'm a broken record! Take care of YOU, tqt. If we lived closer, I'd send a loaf of banana bread over for you. You can't be down while eating banana bread! For heaven's sake!!!

Spidey

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Spidey... When I read that the first time, I thought about how nice that was to say.
When I read it the second time, I thought the SAME thing, and then started laughing out loud, thinking "That's IT! I need BANANA BREAD!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm being goofy, I suppose, but... along with the nice thought, you also gave me a good laugh... thanks.

No, I'm the broken record, and you're being ever so patient and helpful. And you're right, I need to "deal with it" and get it done. Ya know, it really seems like the longer this goes on (this = NOTHING), the MORE I dread going thru the D stuff. And I think(?) what I dread most is any kind of interaction with her -- ANY kind of interaction. I really don't know... could it be that she (subconsciously, even) represents nothing but PAIN to me now, and that's what I'm avoiding? The way I feel about her now is a very strange feeling... I don't recognize it at all. I guess a lot of what's going on in my head is simply me trying to protect myself -- from her.

Thanks, Spidey (seriously), but that won't happen.

I just deleted a big, long, rambling paragraph about what she most definitely did mean to me (it's all documented on pages 1 thru 1827) but... I've started to figure out that much of what is missing in my life right now... was missing all along. I feel bad (and stupid) saying that, but...

If anything is going to make someone "grow up," I would think this nightmare would give it a good start. IOW, if she hasn't learned enough through all this to even cough up an "I'm sorry" -- in fact, she's backed away from REALITY even MORE in the last 2-3 months -- then, I have to believe that she will never figure it out.

I'm not expressing my thoughts very clearly at the moment, so I'll stop with the gibberish. Not much sleep last night, and a stressful day at work.

Spidey, can I ask... HOW is your knee... your leg? Are you going to run Saturday?

It is feeling better. I didn't run on it yesterday, because it was so stiff. Also, my right calf was very tight and still healing from the hike. So, I biked to my mom's for a visit, then after my DS's dentist appointment, I biked clear across our small town (we need more bike lanes and/or sidewalks, I am noticing) and got myself a pedicure. After the hike, my feet needed it, believe me! All the ladies in the shop were oohing and ahhhing over my pretty bike ~ they loved the color, the style, and they all wistfully said how much they USED to love to ride their bikes. Silly girls. All they have to do is go get one for themselves! I got my nails painted hot pink, and I wore capris and birkenstocks, and I looked SO CUTE!!!

So, I stayed active yesterday, and Tuesday and today I clean 2 houses, and that makes me sweat. And I've been eating well, getting in my fruits and veggies and lean protein. I am going to run my 7 miles on Saturday, and I am going to call and schedule PT next week. I must.

I know that you are dreading contact with your STBXWWW, but sometimes what we dread, is what we most need. Does that make sense? What I mean is, painful as it will probably be, finishing up your business with her, probably some with personal interaction, is truly what you need to eventually heal and move forward. I think that the stuff that is painful and not pretty and outside our comfort zones, are the things that make us grow. Perhaps you can try to embrace that feeling of dread, rather than try to avoid it. Perhaps knowing that that very experience you are avoiding, is what you need to finally move on and get out of this horrible limbo you have been stuck in, is what you will need to realize.

I am not trying to make light of this huge task ahead of you. I cannot imagine the expanse of pain and emotion all of this brings up in you, because I never had to go this far into it. But, I do know other people who have gone through this experience, and their lives have changed for the BETTER because of it. And I know that can happen for you, as well. I truly can see you in a year from now, telling everyone that you never knew how happy you could feel, how wonderful life could be ~ with a new, whole partner in your life who can love herself and therefore accept the love you have to offer her.

Well, I better be off so I can get going on these two houses. *sigh* I am already tired just thinking about them! Oh well. They pay good, and I love the people I work for ~ they are wonderful. I am very lucky.

Spidey

ps, I am looking at my training schedule here, and guess what?!? In for more Saturdays, on July 23, I will run the Fit for Life 1/2 Marathon! 13.1 miles!!! Ohmygosh.

Spidey, barring some miraculous change in things between now and Sunday... I'm going to hold you to that. And I can be darn pesky and annoying when I want to be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Spidey, I just want to say good luck tomorrow! (today?)
Your knee/leg comes first, your TIME comes second.... donchathink?

Hey there! Sorry it's been so long, I have been so busy. We had a mite invasion from the birds nesting on the front porch (the boys got new "air guns" and the neighborhood has been here building forts and playing, and they used the front porch as "base" and left their shoes out there, then brought them in ~ *ugh*), so we had to fumigate the house and then clean the whole thing ~ vacuum, wipe the whole thing down, wash everthing. As soon as I saw them on my kid's legs, in my house, I wasn't taking any chances. So, we are now 100% bug free in this house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I didn't make the Saturday run. It was not an official run anyway, because of the 4th. I intended to go, but I couldn't sleep the night before, and ended up being up until 1 am. When the alarm went off at 5:30, my body would not get up. So, Saturday we fumigated, and Sunday I did a 50 minute run. Monday I did 30, yesterday I cleaned all day, and today I intend to do another long-ish run of 45-50 minutes. Then, depending on knee health ~ which so far has been GREAT, BTW ~ I will run a short run again tomorrow and rest on Friday for the big 10-miler on Saturday. 2 miles longer than I've ever gone before. At this stage for me, it is mental I think. After you've run for over an hour and a half, what is 24 more minutes?

So, that is the update on the running. My H is worried that I might not be able to do the full marathon in November, because I've missed a couple weeks. But I think my body can still respond.

So, how's everything going over there? Are you still on the low part of your coaster? Or are you making the climb to higher ground? I hope it is the latter. How is the D paperwork coming along? Or is it still too overwhelming to deal with right now? As one who has the turtle as my animal spirit guide, I understand very well the necessity of moving at one's own pace. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, give me an update when you can. I'm thinking of you, friend!

Spidey

Where are you, tqt? It has been some days since I've heard from you. I'm sure you are OK, seems as how you are an adult and are very capable ~ but . . .

Well, I am off to do 10 miles this morning. I am very nervous, because I missed the last 2 long runs (Scout hike and lack of sleep), and the longest I have ever done is 8 miles. I am adding about 24 minutes to my longest time ever. I know it is just mental, but sheesh!

And it has been SCORTCHING here lately. So today I will be fighting fatigue, mental unpreparedness, and the weather! BUT, before you think all is lost, I DO have something in my corner ~ ME! I am the Slayer, after all, right? At least I can control my mental fear of 10 miles. Perhaps even turn it around to my strength!

I will definately update you later when I manage to crawl home, flop into the shower, and have one of my children wheel me in to my computer.

Speaking of children, I lose one of them tomorrow morning! I am nervous for him, because he is getting a bit nervous, but . . . their bickering is getting to me! They are arguing about EVERYthing ~ who sits in this ONE spot at the dining table (it has been deemed to be the best place to see the cartoons in the morning), who gets "shotgun" when we go somewhere in the car, who gets the last roll or piece of pizza or cake or WHATEVER! Oh, and who's turn it is to watch a TV program! One wants to only watch Cartoon Network, and the other only wants to watch the Animal channel. *sigh* I can't decide if it gets this bad each summer at this time, or if it is worse this summer because DS13 is leaving. I dunno. But somebody's GOT to GO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

I did it! It took me 2:05, but I did it. I am feeling pretty darn good, too. My H is signing me up for my 1/2 marathon in 2 weeks. WOW!

Spidey

I'm sitting here in my chair, trying to figure out how I missed your post 4 days ago, and then, having figured out you were obviously busy and taking a much-needed break... missed your posts from yesterday, and... ouch! I feel terrible.......

And right now you're minus one son! I've been thinking about that, wondering when he was leaving. Bet it feels strange, and you're all sorts of worried... and bet it was hard to watch him fly away! What an exciting (but scary) experience for him. You should be so proud of him, though. And I know you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

So WHAT can I say about the running -- The Running -- to do it justice? If I were better with words, I'd have plenty to say.... but about all I can conjure up is (excuse my language) a [censored]-eatin' grin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ... because I didn't have any doubts about you getting this far!

And, like you said about it being "mental" to get from here to the next step (in two weeks!).... HEY... if anyone has the concentration and determination and confidence and willpower... YOU do.... and you know it! (Ya gotta quit making this so anticlimactic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

And I of you. (Isn't that a cool sentence?)

More tomorrow, or perhaps, the next day... for various reasons, I don't want to spoil either day with my whining and whimpering! I'm ok... not great, to be honest. But I'll consider it part of the deal. Spent the day trying to make headway on my Planning-for-Life#2, but The Hurricane got the best of me -- I'm a huge "fan" of hurricanes (MUST be a better way of saying that) -- and STBXWWWWWWW and I went thru a minimal hurricane just two years ago on our vacation, RIGHT on the water... an experience I'll never forget. But just today I figured out that at that same time she was in the midst of the EA thing... IOW, sooner than I've been thinking she was... which really means nothing more than the lies, etc. were going on even that much longer... and... well, I'm whining and whimpering...

Good to hear from you! Thanks for checking in. Well, I have started off the Spidey-Fiscal-Year today (IOW, my 33rd birthday!) by signing up for my very first 1/2 marathon. I am feeling very profound about that. I think this is going to be a great year for me. I can FEEL it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, the missing son called us 2 times last night. He has a room-mate who is older than him, that likes the Magic card game that he likes to play. They are on the 3rd floor, with no AC, and the fan wasn't cooling them off much last night. He said the girls have it lucky, because they are on the first floor ~ so they not only didn't have to haul their luggage up 3 flights of stairs, their rooms are also cooler, apparently. He was so excited to go. I think he will have a blast. I think while he is gone the neighbor boy will be a permanent fixture around here. Since the one boy left, I have fed this other boy 3 out of 5 meals. Sheesh!

You all are having a hurricane out there? Sorry, I try not to read the paper, or watch the news (I call it the snooze). It makes me depressed. Not necessarily because of all the bad stuff that happens in the world, but the way we all tend to sensationalize the bad stuff. I just think we have the whole concept of what and when to report all backwards.

I hope you are safe, and that nothing blows onto your house or your car, or you for that matter! Take care, and give me more details about what is going on with you when you can.

Spidey

Spidey, now that you've reached that milestone... jumped off, er, crossed that bridge... from the innocent youth of a 32-year-old to... the serious-big-time-old-age of (yikes!) 33!!...
ya gotta take things s l o w l y ... and yes, more squinting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> will be required, in order to not MISS the important things in life:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=2#2756557

ANYway... since that took 62 hours to piece together yesterday -- painstakingly and caringly (while you were snoring away in Idaho as do old ladies all over the world... I got up at 3:38AM to make sure I could get it JUST right) --- you ain't gettin' away with not squinting at it for at least 4 seconds! Sheesh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok... how do you feel today? Young at heart, I bet, anyway... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Done with the teasing... now to more serious M-related issues, as much as I wish there weren't such a thing.

To bring you up-to-date... if you'll recall, the last communication I had with STBXWWW was approx 5? weeks ago, when I took another nudge at her to "do the right thing" and move forward with the dirty work. And she responded by going for the jugular.... I put her in check ("gracefully" I think, without anger, but by asserting my boundaries). Then she disappeared, didn't do what she said she was going to do, etc...

Fast-forward to a few days ago, when I decided to give her another nudge, and sent her an email saying, simply:

"It's time we face reality, don't you think?" (something close to that)

INSTANT response: All chitty-chatty... now I'm her long-lost buddy... eg. "Are the flowers doing well this year?" And then a cute little story about BIL and his first adventure with Stupid Little Boat....

(Do I sound angry? As I relate the details, it does make me a little angry, but truthfully I wish I were angrier, and could stay that way for more than 5 minutes)

I responded with nothing but very "neutral" and all-business -- ignored her buddy-buddy stuff.

Next, she emails, essentially all business: "I have a list of things that I'd like from the house." (after nine months of nothing from her, now she has a list of things she wants.... I don't understand....)

At any rate, she was here last evening (and I was intentionally extra late getting back from the gym) to see her Pile Of Stuff that I moved into the garage on Memorial Day weekend. Left me a note... benign overall... ended with "Sorry I missed you. Have to go do puppies." (what she still calls the 6-year-old dogs)

Ya know, on a side-note here... just for my own self-induced therapy...

I can't even THINK about the dogs. I've had dogs throughout my life, but this ONE dog (my favorite of the two; the other isn't as much of a "people" dog, but a cutey nonetheless <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) -- when people talk about "bonding" with their dogs, I know what they mean now. We would've done anything for each other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I miss her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> A lot.
And the cool (and sad) thing is, I know she loved me as much as I love(d) her!
Can't say that about the woman I married!

Ok, this is all meaningless ramble... but anyway... between all these emails the last few days, and her being here last night -- and I still haven't SEEN her in... 6+ months... I actually felt myself getting sucked back in. I thought I was pretty much past that.

If I let myself... I still feel the senselessness of all this. I still feel that, after 25 years with this person, I know her enough to have a very strong GUT feeling about what she's doing, NOT doing... what kind of defenses she's erected for herself to avoid facing reality... all of that. But, the bottom line is... the pattern will continue until the last form is signed, and everything's done. I will get nothing from her -- no remorse, no "humanness" (?)... I won't even get "I think I made the right 'decision' (Ha!) because..."

That's all I've wanted from her, throughout this ordeal -- something that tells me: Yes, I DID spend 25 years with a Real Person..... and Yes, after 25 years, it WAS worth at least: "I'm sorry."

Maybe next time(?)

All for now... done whining (I'm sorry, but it does help -- and thanks)... tomorrow I'll fill you in on what I'm doing for ME....

No, I'm not sitting around moping and incapacitated. But unfortunately, my heart and soul still find the time to kick all this stuff around between themselves, rear their pathetic little heads, and remind me how sad all of this is... still...

Thanks for being there, for listening, and for tolerating my self-absorbedness (yes, that's a word... at least for right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

ps. Spidey... how is the Young Man from Denver doing???? How are YOU and your H doing without him??!? I'm anxious to hear <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I'm trying to remember how many days he's down there... about 2 weeks was it?

First off, thank you so much for the birthday well-wishing. Good thing you sent me that link, or I would have completely missed it!


Second, I know it isn't the same thing, but . . . I also wanted this for a long time from the FBF/OW. We weren't friends for 25 years, but I really wanted to know how it was possible for her to throw it all away, seemingly so easily. Yet I also knew that she could have nothing for me, no explanations that would be adequate for the pain I felt.

Even my H, who was remorseful and said "Sorry," didn't have enough for the pain. All of that had to be dealt with inside of me. Granted, it took less time with H that I could talk to and get feedback ~ and sometimes just vent to. But it has happened with FBF/OW as well.

Basically, what it comes down to, is that everything you need to heal and become whole again, lies within yourself. All the answers to your questions are there inside you.

I believe eventually, you will no longer define YOUR relationship with your STBXWWW (ie, the last 25 years of your life) through HER perspective. If you follow the pattern I did, in time, I think you will realize that HER version/interpretation/reality does not need to be a part of yours. Because while M is a union, you two are as you have always been ~ 2 seperate individuals. She has no power to take anything of YOU away from you.

Right now, I think you are right where you need to be. It is all a process, a journey ~ of both personal growth and healing (I believe they go together). Ultimately culminating in forgiveness of yourself, and forgiveness of the offending partner. Forgiveness for YOU, not for her. I have forgiven FBF/OW, and I have not talked to her in over a year and a half. And I don't plan on ever talking to her again. And in so doing, she has no power left in my life. Because all the power she had, I had given to her!!!

So, keep venting here. I don't think it is self-serving drivel or self pity or anything like that. I think it is a vital part of your process of healing and moving on. And the movement is so small and slow, that it often seems like you aren't moving anywhere. But I see that you are. What you are doing is very very difficult. And you are handling it all with dignity and compassion and heart.


I am truly sorry about this. The unconditional love of an animal that you really "get," is wonderful to experience. My dog is so old now, he is on the cusp between being OK, and needing to be put down ~ the dreaded place for all dog owners/lovers to be, IMO. I long for the sleek coat and playful behavior of the dog I remember ~ instead of the lumpy bumpy skin condition, cataracts eyes all filmy, deaf, incontinence, barking at nothing, snoring through the fire alarm going off (battery malfunction at 2 am), hardly able to get up and down, biting first asking questions later, etc. Shamefully, it feels more of a burden than a joy at this point.

Anyway, DS is doing great in Denver. He has been doing chemistry, physics (had to go to the store the other day to get a 2-liter bottle for their rockets they are building!), ping pong, soccer, sports conditioning. They also get to go to a professional baseball game (Denver . . . Cardinals? I have no clue, that sounds familiar), Six-Flags (where we are going as a family when we pick him up), ice skating, and tons of other fun stuff. He will be there for a total of 20 days, closer to 3 weeks. We will be there on day 19 to go to his conferences and have a family buffet dinner, then he gets to leave with us the morning of the 20th day. He is not homesick yet, he says. He thinks he won't be until near the end. He is THRIVING over there. Maybe he can continue doing his own laundry when he gets home, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for the birthday wishes. And keep posting. You really are doing just fine, tqt!

Spidey

I understand what you're saying, but... I dunno... doesn't loving someone... completely... mean giving a part of yourself? And if that's true, then... doesn't it stand to reason that she did have the power to take part of me away, given how she acted/behaved/treated me in the Destruction Phase......... ??

And maybe it's worse now than it might've been, because she never really gave much, and took freely...

I may have said this before, but I read SOMEwhere that (and this was about men, but I'm sure it applies both ways)... when the M ends... the less a man felt loved throughout the R, the harder it is to deal with its demise. The only reason I remember reading that is because it seemed to fit... too well.

THAT was nice... thanks.

I was never really sure what it meant when they say it takes XXX months/years/whatever to "get over" or "recover" from divorce... but I guess I'm starting to understand. To me, it means...ALL of it... not just the emotional part, not just the logistics of starting over again... but ALL of it, all at once. It is overwhelming at times.

But wait... almost forgot... I'm still married. When do I start the Get-Over-It Clock?

Enough about me.

ABOUT that guy in Denver.... YIKES!!
"gets to leave?" Hey, you may have to drag him out of there... Can I go next time? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm also wondering how your other son is handling it... if I were in his shoes, I would be very jealous, I think(?)

Ahem....excuse me Spidey, but, don't you think it's time to start The Official Thirteen Mile Countdown? As in, T-10 days, and counting? I'm excited! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> (geez, these smiley face things are stupid... I need to speak to the artistic director here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

And where's the after-party?!?!?!

(btw, what's your running plan for this weekend?)

Now it's my turn to say that I understand what YOU are saying. And perhaps I have swung too far in the other direction on my pendulum of recovery, but right now, I don't view what you described above as a healthy relationship. Like I said, I am very open to the possibility that I am still in that "once bitten, twice shy" phase ~ and perhaps this is my way of dealing with what happened, with the knowledge that it could happen again.

I used to be the BIGGEST romantic. I could go on and on and on (and I often did) about true love, the union of marriage, what my H and I meant to each other, etc. For many years, I felt like I was the apple of my H's eye, that he treasured me and would never harm me on purpose. I believed he would always be there for me, as I would for him.

When it came to pass that that was not my reality anymore, I literally almost went crazy. It "did not compute." Everything that I had thought about our M, about the power of love, really meant squat in crunch time.

I still mourn that feeling I had, of safety and security and . . . I don't know, my romantic idea of love. Now I see love as more of an action word. And I see myself as an individual. And yes, if my H left again, it would hurt me. But I don't feel as if he would be taking any of ME away if he left again. I would still be whole, myself, I would be OK.

I also am understanding why they say it takes XXX amount of time to heal from an A, to recover a M. I don't think this is the last phase of recovery I am in, even. I'm sure my pendulum is still swinging back and forth, and eventually will settle in its center.

About the sons, I don't think the younger one is jealous. He gets to watch his programs, sit in the best TV spot, have lots of sleepovers, gets his pick of any of the computers to play on, etc. My boys are so different. My younger boy, given the same opportunity, would not have wanted to go. He would have been too overwhelmed by the traveling, taking care of himself, rooming with a stranger, etc.

My running plan for this weekend is 7 miles. Part of our "fool the body" training ~ long run, followed by short run, etc. So, today is T-9 days and counting! Whoo-hoo! I am very excited. Then the next week after that, we leave to get the son and do our mini-vacation.

Do you have any fun summer plans? And if so, DO TELL!!! I have already shared all my excitement with you, and ~ frankly ~ it's not all that exciting. Hopefully, you'll have some great stuff planned! Our book needs more *action*.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />Spidey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've been thinking about this.

You said "I don't view what you described above as a healthy relationship." I agree...maybe it's just the semantics... "took a part of me away" -- I think -- is the same as "wounded me deeply."
Does it make sense to think that the more one gives of themselves, the more vulnerable they are to being wounded?
And wound me, she did. But... as long as I figure out where the wounds are, and understand how they've changed me (temporarily or otherwise), I think I'm equipped to heal them. Some sooner than others, I suppose.

And Spidey... "Like I said, I am very open to the possibility that I am still in that "once bitten, twice shy" phase ~ and perhaps this is my way of dealing with what happened, with the knowledge that it could happen again."

An awareness of how you're feeling and reacting to the situation... with an open mind... and with knowledge of (and acceptance of) the facts.
Sounds healthy to me...

Ya know, you really oughta consider selling off some of that excess emotional intelligence -- think of all the people you could help! I'll check eBay and let you know what the going rate is.

I'll check back in later... not done rambling yet for today.
But, I must go torture myself at the gym on this hot, sweaty Friday afternoon (and I might work out while I'm there, too).

And hey... I actually had a uh... "micro-epiphany" just a few minutes ago......

Oh heavens! Well, I am DEFINATELY looking forward to reading your next post! I hope you had a great workout, after the torture, of course.

Spidey

Well, I have bad news and good news.

Bad news: lousy workout. a) not sleeping well lately b) didn't eat "appropriately" today c) uhhh... there MUST be a "c" but I can't come up with anymore B.S. excuses for a lousy workout <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good news: Not torturous in the least! All the BABES were somewhere else, apparently...
whoa! wait... THAT's not good news...... See how confused I am?!?

Yeah, well... THIS is my next post, and I'm NOT gonna be THAT easy... I'm going to make you salivate for a while... as I ramble on about god-knows-what... and btw, just to keep your attention: SINCE my micro-epiphany, I had a MINI-epiphany on TOP of that, which makes it an EMBEDDED SUB-MICRO EPIPHANY... which RARELY HARDLY EVER happens. Not to me, anyway.

Allow me to copy a big chunk of important stuff:
The biggest romantic... I WAS too... BIG time. And Spidey... I bet you still ARE the biggest romantic. And I think I still am. For you, for me, for everyone who's endured this stuff... being "romantic" is probably one of the first things to get buried under the rubble. But, whatever "romantic" means -- and it means something a little different to each of us -- I'd like to think that it comes from one's character, more than anything -- and we know that Character survives.
Once the trust is restored, once the wounds are healed, once we feel comfortable "sticking our necks out" again -- I think, I hope... we'll feel secure enough to let the romance fly. It's HARD to not be able to be yourself. And if "yourself" means being "romantic"... you, and I, and everyone else here who's been trampled on... we WILL find that part of ourselves again. Don't you think?

About that micro-epiphany....

Ummmmm...no joke, but after spending an hour(?)... I just deleted what was Part One of my explanation, at least for now. Not sure what's going on with me, but I can't find the right words to explain, without appearing disrespectful of my STBXW... maybe it's the public forum factor...
Or maybe I'm confused about how and where "respect" fits into the situation, at this point. (Ouch)
I think it's both.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow... Spidey, my friend... have a good run! T-7.5 ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have been dreading having to face up to my failure to protect myself and take care of myself . . . yep, my knee. I did not make that appointment, it was so tender I didn't run on it at all last week for training, and yesterday after my 8-miler, it was the sorest it has ever been. It is still sore, very very tender. *sigh* So, I AM making that appointment tomorrow, hopefully for Wednesday, but . . . I don't know how anything in that short of time can help me on the 1/2 marathon.

OK, so there it is, what I have been hiding from you, in order to *duck* the reprimand that I deserve from you. Why is it that we as humans tend to wait until something is UNavoidable before we take care of it??? Yep, that's how I'm calling it ~ it is a condition of the human race, not Spidey just being lazy and unmotivated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My slacking in my training and my eating has really come and bitten me in the a$$ lately. I think (hope!) my thick skull is beginning to understand that the plan must be followed to be successful. I know I am up to the challenge, I just know I am!

We had some unexpected company come into town and we had them over for dinner the other night. I have known the H since the time I met my H, and the W and I have been pretty good friends in the past, but ~ I don't know what is going on with that, it is a very long story. ANYway, the H was having a very hard time figuring me out when he was here. Almost everything I did and said he would say, "That's new. Who are you? I've never seen you do that before," etc. Not to an extreme, but I could tell he'd noticed that something fundamentally had changed inside of me. Without getting into too many details, we let them know that H and I were separated for 3 months, had MC for 8 months, and that we had a crisis in our M. We spent a long time of the evening talking about boundaries, communication, etc. It was a lot of fun, and very interesting. When I told the friend that basically I had grown up, he said, "Ah, that explains it."

I can't believe how much of a "new" person I feel like. I feel like I am so much MORE than I ever was before. And I also feel that this is just the tip of the iceburg of other things to be discovered. Isn't that so exciting?!?

OK, so let me have it about the knee. I deserve it. I hope you have a restful Sunday. I have to go to the waterpark with my family that is in from out of town today. *sigh* I don't mind going, but they are going to want me to go on all the rides, which you have to climb a lot of STAIRS to get ot, and walk a long ways to get to ~ pretty big park ~ and I am hobbling around like a circus freak today! Hopefully somebody will cut me some slack somewhere.

Chat at you later.

Spidey

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
I'll yell at you later!

OOOOOOKAY... HERE goes...

Spidey... why didn't you TELL me you your real name is Lindsey Wagner? Had I known you were The Bionic Woman, I would've handled things MUCH differently.

Well, that's true, I suppose... but it does NOT apply to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You're right... it's just Spidey being stubborn.

Hmmm.... I'm having trouble selecting 8 or 9 of the 37 things I'm chomping at the bit to say... just give me a minute...

Ok.

LIKE HELL!!! You're NOT missing the half-marathon. I've had my pom-poms dry-cleaned, and it was damn expensive. (quite embarrassing, too, but that's another story!)

Yikes... an invitation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm thinking you should WALK the 13 miles. With a 50-pound backpack. Uphill the entire way.


Good.

I know you're up to the challenge, too. And I don't think your eating, or your training regimen... are going to stop you from a half-marathon! In fact.......... I'm already thinking ahead to the You-Know-What. I'm QUITE serious.

Well... hmmmph! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How'd it go today, knee-wise? (and fun-wise, too? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

And uhhh... make sure you post, in BOLD and UNDERLINED, what day and time your knee appointment is.

Ok?