Susan, thank you for your reply. You are not intruding. I very much appreciate your POV.

And I know that you are probably right. The whole sitch just sucks all the way around.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. You make a lot of sense.

Spidey

It does suck. But I'm way further (years) down the line than you are. I DO remember thinking "well, I've lost this friend...I guess I won't ever have any more" but I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You will adjust and it will get better.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Spidey, I tried to send something last night, but it apparently got lost somewhere along the way.

Maybe we should continue this discussion here:

http://www.mongabay.org/images/honduras/roatan/roatan_beach_00.gif

IOW, I found the place for the party, so WTH is everybody??

And no, Susan... no intrusion :-)

I'm pushing my luck here, and leaving for home fairly soon, so I'll wait 'til then to write.

I'd be REMISS, however, Spidey... if I didn't quickly say how nice it was to check one of my few lifelines (MB) last night, and see your words.... not only was it great to hear from you, but given where I am, it was pretty surreal... and very cool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (thanks)

Talk to you soon.

ps. thinking about your knee, too! Hoping it's ok.

Oh man, that IS the perfect place for the party! And I would only be purchasing a one-way ticket there. Once at a place like that, FAT CHANCE I'm leaving again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have a safe trip home, and talk to you soon.

Spidey

Got home late last night (a 14-hour ordeal), and I'll post again after I figure out which end's up...

and after I pick up a piece of certified mail at the PO from some I'm-sure-very-nice attorneys... IOW, my VSTBXWWW sent me a 22nd Anniversary present (which is Saturday).

Hope you're well, Ms. Slayer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

YUCK! That is just a mass of conflicting emotions, memories ~ feelings. How are you feeling about that? What is going on for you?

Not much going on here. I am struggling. I have fallen into depression since the knee injury, and not running. Gained 10 pounds. *ugh* Drinking way too much.

I am going to attempt some physical activity this morning. That was my plan Wednesday, too, and it didn't happen. I hate it when I get into these funks. It takes a Herculean effort to get out, then I am fine again. I'll say it again, *ugh*.

For sure post when you can. Sounds like your life is very "exciting" right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

Spidey!
We have LOTS to catch up on. I vote we take it slowly and methodically, and in chronological order...otherwise we'll have a MESS.... and we BOTH know the publisher is not very happy with us already! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are you still feeling the same about FBF/OW (contacting her, etc)?

ps. and BTW, funks are unacceptable, and we shall proceed accordingly... got it???

Well, I did it! I went for a walk this morning, and was able to do a very slow run for about a mile! After I was very warmed up, of course. I am going to go stretch a LOT ~ and continue to do so all day long. I am sooo happy!!!

No. Susan made a lot of very good points, and she is right. I think scabs naturally itch as they heal, and I think that is all it was for me. I definately don't want to reopen that wound. It seems miraculous that she popped in on this thread, that only you and I have the mental endurance to follow, at just the right time. The universe sure is looking out for me!

So, that issue is closed. My funk could be lifting, I'll have to let you know tomorrow morning, as evenings are my most challenging time.

So, that just leaves you! Begin at the beginning, and we'll go from there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Spidey

HA! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As you should be! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Excellent news about the run, Spidey. BTW, what are you doing with strength-conditioning (ie. weights, etc) these days??

I'll check in this evening and try to bring you up-to-date.
IN the meantime, here's something that landed in my inbox, which I thought was kinda cool...


Words from a wise old Indian

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about
the battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My
son, the battle is between 2 wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth, compassion, loyalty and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then
asked his grandfather: "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Spidey, I'm getting myself caught up in some weird stuff (R-wise), which is why I didn't get here to post earlier.

I'll explain tomorrow, but when you read this, please reply and tell me how thing's are going with you.

Please?

This statement has my brow furrowed ~ I really hope you mean R-wise regarding your VSTBXWWW, or else I'm libel to come unglued at you!

My boys had a sleepover in the computer room, so I am typing on H's laptop, and it is slow going. Much different than my ergonomic keyboard. And I'm using his Explorer browser instead of Mozilla, so I could lose this painfully-hard-to-type post anyway. Oh well.

Um, let's see, what is up with me. Well, I did better yesterday in my life than I have in a LONG time. I am still very happy about that. As far as strengthening exercises, the PT wants me doing tons of squats. Followed by tons of stretching. My goal is to get back to the gym, though, and do the leg machines/exercises there. Since I'm not going to my running program this week, I might even try to hit the Pilates class at the gym this morning, after another short run. I'm very excited now; I can actually tell that my leg is healing. I was beginning to wonder there for a while!

I really loved that quote about the wolves. My H and I were talking about something like that yesterday. It is amazing how those old stories can sum up a 2 hour conversation in a few dozen words. Yesterday, we were talking about how the different ways we look at ourselves can create the reality for ourselves. Like, if I see an action of mine and identify it as a "failure," then I fail. But if I look at that same action in a positive way, either as a good lesson to learn or simply what "not" to do, then that action has no power over me. That is the simplified version of the convo. Isn't it weird, in a really cool way, how that wolf thing fits into that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Um, let's see. I am getting ready to finish my bedroom project that I started months ago by finally painting my bathroom. Then I intend to turn my attention back to my kitchen. I stenciled sunflowers all around it, years ago, and even made a valance for the window with the same stencil on it! I'm a nut. Anyway, I have decided that while nice, it doesn't "define" my kitchen to me anymore. Now I want to stencil red chilies, yellow lemons, and green limes around the kitchen. I also need to repaint my laundry room, but I'm not sure what color/style I'm doing in there yet. Maybe just a fresh coat of white when I cover the old stencils in the kitchen.

Um, let's see, what else is going on in my boring life. I think H and I are going to spend a large portion of the day today taking care of our outside/garage. We have a few small projects planned for our yard, but we've stalled on them. I intend to get that ball rolling again ~ I haven't told H yet. Tomorrow we are going to float the Boise river with the boys and H's friend and his kids. He's the one whose W D'd him, took the house and the van and lots of his money, after she decided she hadn't loved him for the past 4 or 5 years (of course, the catalyst for her revelation was the A she was carrying on with her old high school boyfriend in another state, that her MOTHER facilitated for her! Sick). He is a good guy, and we have a lot of fun. His little daughter cracks me up. And of course Sunday is the day I bring my mother home for dinner, so tomorrow is all filled up.

OH! I do have big news, that I keep forgetting to tell anyone. I think I have finally decided what I want to be when I "grow up!" I'm going back to school next spring? fall? to begin my undergraduate degree in psychology. I want to be a psychologist! Trust me, I have been seeking what I want to do when I grow up for a LOOOONG time. I feel that everything that I have gone through in this life gives me a unique preparation for that line of work. Not just the A and everything associate with it, but also my mom, my lack of a dad, everything that I went through at such a young age (M, kids, being poor with kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />). I feel like I have a lot of ways to empathize with people who have lost their way. Heck, by the time I find my own way, I will be good to go. I figure that might happen, by the time I get my PhD. I gots time!!!

OK, I think I have rung out all that is going on with me. So, now it is your turn. Fess up and put it out there, Mister! I might not know exactly where you live, but don't underestimate a Slayer on a mission!

Spidey

ps, I am also very close to getting two tatoos ~ my very firsts. A turtle, to signify my animal spirit guide, on my ankle/calf. Then a spider on my back somewhere. I am a crazy nut! OR, I might NOT get the tatoos. But I MIGHT get the tatoos. OR, I might only get the FIRST tatoo, and vow "never again." I just don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yikes, Spidey... you're a tough act to follow...

And I don't even know where to start.

Ok, first of all, you forgot to wish me Happy Anniversary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
August 13, 1983... we made it to 22!

When I woke up this morning, a whole 5 minutes went by before I even remembered.

Now that I think about it, last year she gave me a card... 6 months after D-Day. It was 6 months of lying as we went through MC, 6 months of lying as she pretended we were in "recovery"... just this minute I realized that she gave me that card as a way to deceive me and continue her A.

Yuck.

Anyway, I really didn't think about her much at all today. I'm convinced that (in addition to "healing" -- and I hate that word), my brain has been trained to shut down any thoughts of her/us/the last 22-25 years before they take hold.

And I'm sure she was just fine today.

Before I get OFF of VSTBXWWW as the subject matter, I should bring things up to date -- quickly.

-- all her stuff is now out of the house

-- a couple weeks ago, I emailed her AGAIN and asked her what the status was

-- she replied "you should be getting something in the mail next week"
If I didn't ask, it would've been a surprise. After 10 months of asking her to communicate in some way, she didn't think it was important to take 30 seconds and send an email giving me a heads-up that she filed.

-- after a great deal of thought, I just couldn't stop myself from replying:
"I'm sorry you felt a need to destroy everything.
Ending a marriage without even trying must be one of life's greatest failures.
one that we'll both have to live with for the rest of our lives."

No response from her.

(the day she moved out, she was in tears and said "I didn't even try."
Well, that was an understatement, wasn't it...)

-- I picked up My First Official Correspondence From Her Lawyer yesterday.
He sent me nothing but a copy of the divorce petition, or whatever the he|| it's called.
Nothing about a financial settlement.

-- I emailed her late yesterday: "We need a settlement agreement before divorce." and then outlined very clearly the very simple steps we need to take to do that.

No response from her.

I guess back in November I should've just titled this thread "No response from her"
What an @ss I was for trying to save this M................

Our D couldn't have been simpler, legally/financially/etc. I explained everything to her. She paid for all the perfectly sufficient and legitimate "do-it-yourself" forms/documents. I don't believe in paying lawyers when there's no need to do so, and not in 25 years with her have I ever given her one single reason to mistrust me -- up until this very day.
But now that she's got lawyers involved, who knows how long, and how complicated this could end up being... and I'll probably have to at some point start shelling out $ for a lawyer myself. She has a knack for making everything difficult and ugly, yet she really has no mind of her own.... it's all very strange.........

---------- End of VSTBXWWW Discussion --------------

Spidey, I was thinking about this today... you were "instrumental" in getting me to this point! And excuse the cliche, but it fits... I will be eternally grateful for all you've done. And, it's been a long time since I've said "thank you."

Lots of things you've said over the past months still ring in my ears. Even the simplest things you've said to me have had enormous impact... eg. one that constantly comes to mind is when you said "She's no great prize." (remember?)
The truth is, for all those years, I felt she was a "prize" (that doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean). The Pedestal Affect, I guess. But you set me straight many months ago, and that was after learning a lot about her -- you didn't say it just to say it.

And, you were right.

I'm going to end this post right here, and move on to bigger and better things in the next post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ooooh, how exciting! I can't wait to read that!

Wow, she finally filed, eh? Maybe something you said finally did pierce her consciousness ~ apparently, it is slow going from the ear to the decision-making part of the brain, but hey . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Well, I don't have much to report today for myself. My knee woke me last night a couple times, aching. And this morning it is very sore (again). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> If I work out today, I will be at the gym, on a machine, with very little impact.

ANYway, update when you can!

Spidey

*edited to add, oh yeah, Happy Belated Anniversary! Bittersweet, I can only imagine. Bitter, because, well, of LOTS of things. Sweet, because it is the beginning of a new beginning for you, tqt. I just know you are going to be pleasantly surprised with what you life looks like in a year from now. Good things are coming to you ~ I can FEEL it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
I just !%@#^& blew away an almost-done post......

It'll have to wait 'til later, because:
Now that you've put the pressure on, I gotta go away and conjure up some exciting bullhickey for ya... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Wait, one thing I DID say was this:

The Knee: :-(
Keep your spirits up, Spidey. You WILL WILL WILL get your knee back!

Q: Ya know what really sucks?
A: Coming home to an empty house.... when you'd prefer not to... and then, all in a couple microseconds, the brain processes the REASON the house is empty... and it sucks twice as bad.

"If You Leave Me Now" (Chicago) just came on the radio. Hmmmm... I shall force myself to listen... and type away... as loudly as I can.

BTW, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this is the therapeutic Ramble part of the post -- we'll get down to business in a minute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, song's over...

Spidey, let's discuss the knee for a second. (and in case you missed the post above, I'll say it again)

"Keep your spirits up, Spidey. You WILL WILL WILL get your knee back!"

I'm a little confused.... you just ran on it -- were you "supposed" to? What did the PT tell you to expect? Are you happy with the guy, and his "Plan of Care?"

The REAL reason I asked you about what you were doing as far as strength-conditioning was this: I was thinking that while you're getting the knee back in shape, if you were doing other stuff -- other than the knee (like upper-body) at the gym/wherever, maybe you'd feel like you were making progress in other ways, while you ENDURE the frustrating process of letting your knee heal. Not only would you be getting the obvious gains from those exercises, but there'd be a psychological benefit, too. IOW, "no, I'm not hobbled, I'm not letting all my hard work go down the drain, I'm just sorta side-tracked for a little while, but I'm making up for it by working on other parts of my body, etc, etc."

ANYway.... I feel really bad that you're going thru that with your knee. Patience... and confidence... and hard work... and you'll be back to where you were before you know it.
You agree, right????

It doesn't sound boring to me... it sounds nice :-)

Ya know, one of the sadder parts of this broken marriage stuff, I think, is how people are forced to start over again in so many ways (this isn't about me, it's about everyone that goes thru this). When you have everything ripped out from under you, you really appreciate the more "mundane" parts of life... the simple things... all those things that were taken for granted before. Whether it's painting a room a different color, or deciding to just take a few hours, or a whole day, and be lazy with your family... or even cleaning the garage :-)

I'm not trying to be melodramatic or sappy or whatever...

I guess my point is, I think we all forget to appreciate the simple, "boring," who-cares stuff... until it's been taken from you.

Ok, NOW to something pretty cool...

Now WHAT makes you think you'd be good at that?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yikes... I gotta order bigger pom-poms!

And here all this time I thought you WERE a psychologist :-)
Uh-oh... hey, you can't send me a bill NOW, can you?

Spidey, if that's what you choose to do (when you grow up, of course), you will prosper -- guaranteed.
I'm serious -- will you keep all of us up to date with what's going on there (if you feel ok with that)?

Oh, sh|t... I'm feeling a MLC coming on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Hmmmm... ok, but just DON'T do anything until we all get to vote on this.
What happened to the bike with the basket and fenders and bell thingy and little streamers coming out of the handlebars? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

More in a bit...

TQT,

Just wanted to advise you to get a lawyer ASAP. Now that you have been served, you need a lawyer to reply to her right away. You have a certain amount of time to respond after you have been served. Your lawyer would know what to do.

If she has a lawyer, trust me, you need one to.

Best

Thanks, UVA.

I do have a lawyer standing by, ready to go. He's all of 10 feet down the hall from me at work.

With a simple situation like ours, in this State, lawyers are entirely unnecessary.

As far as the off-the-shelf document that her lawyer sent me, I have at least 90 days to respond to it. In the meantime, I'm planning to "creatively appeal to" my STBXW's overwhelming sense of good judgement, fairness and trust (that was sort of a joke), in an effort to minimize the use of 3rd Party assistance.

I don't want two lawyers getting paid to hash out details of "who gets what" until it's absolutely necessary (ie. she fails to act reasonably and semi-adult-like....).
Also, the more we can accomplish between the two of us, in terms of a settlement agreement, the faster things should go (rather than wait around for lawyers to pass letters back and forth).

We shall see!

Thanks again for the (good) advice.

Per a previous post, after seeing that VSTBXWWW has finally filed for D, I sent her an email, outlining the steps we needed to take to arrive at a settlement, and attached a spreadsheet with the details.

Got this from her just now:
Once more her complete lack of emotion has my stomach in knots.
No matter how "far along" I think/thought? I was, this isn't going to be easy for me.
Guess that's the way it works, huh?

I am "supposed" to do that which does not cause pain. I was AMAZED at how good the knee felt all day after the first run. No pain at ALL. In fact, it felt like my old knee again! Same after I ran the second day, NO PAIN all day. But that night, ouch, and the next morning, ouch ouch. Still feels pretty stiff and tender today. Based on results, I didn't do something "right." I'm not sure if I shouldn't have run on it 2 days in a row, OR if I shouldn't have run with H the second time and stepped it out at the end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> The PT basically told me that everyone heals differently and at different rates. I think I also had a very strained thigh muscle that was causing lots of pain, too, and that seems to have healed. That sucker went from my knee to my hip flexer, and it was TENDER. I do like this PT, as much as I've ever liked them. The only time I have really noticed measurable changes with a PT, though, was the one who 1)taught me how to walk up and down stairs with my crutches when I shattered my ankle, 2)taught me how to bend my ankle again to walk after I got the cast taken off. All other times, to be honest, it seems that I already know what needs to be done to rid myself of the pain and strengthen the area. I just seem to have a disconnect between knowing and acting. Maybe I thought this time was different, but as yet, I don't think so. *sigh*

I really like what you were saying about strength training. Sometimes I think I have to fool my brain into doing stuff, by putting it to myself in a different way. I am an odd sort. IOW, the way you "put" that concept to me makes my brain go "Oooh, Ahhhhh." I like it! Would take my focus off something I have little control over ~ my knee healing ~ and put it on other things that I CAN control. In fact, since I have been meaning to lose weight and begin weight lifting and more pilates/yoga, maybe this is the Universe giving me that opportunity! So I need to listen to my own advice and take advantage of this "whisper," before I get "shouted" at later! Wow, thanks for that, tqt. You ROCK.


I do remember that feeling, and isn't it amazing how we as humans can begin to take all that for granted ~ again, and so quickly? Thank you for the reminder.


First of all, I hope you aren't just stroking my ego with that compliment about prospering, because that is a lot of time and money invested into something, and I certainly don't want to SUCK at it. And of course I will keep you up to date on my progress!

Unfortunately, the local college here doesn't seem to have a Masters program, let alone a doctorate ~ because I do want to be Dr. Spidey! With my college credits from all my other years, I think I will only have 2 years left for the undergraduate degree ~ and I should be able to keep my jobs, too. I know that the other stuff will take care of itself, so I'm not worried about it at all. I do plan on meeting with a counselor after the boys go back to school (in 2 weeks and 1 day! I survived another summer break!), and getting in my financial aide paperwork. Much less interest and more leniant payback schedules than if H and I paid for it now. We also have orthodontics starting soon for both the boys ~ *sigh* Then soon comes driving, and cars, and more insurance ~ *sigh* ANYway, I digress. I will get the very specifics from the counselor, and come and share them here with you. I want to start in the Spring, as I don't want to rush into this Fall. And I'm sure the college has lots of great information on where I might be able to get my Masters from. As for the doctorate, I might want to study under someone in particular, so I need to figure out how that works. But, I have a few years before that. You wouldn't know it here, but I am also a fair writer, when I try really hard. Which will come in handy for all those thesis thingies I will have to write. I'm becoming pretty darned excited about the whole thing.


Oh he||! Can I have one of those at 33? I guess it is possible my children have aged me into mid-life already.


OK, first off, it has been hotter than CRAP here. But yes, I still LOVE my bike. I have not found a proper basket yet, and my fenders have arrived at the bike shop, but the last time we went to get them put on they didn't have time, and I haven't had time to go back there. AND, did I mention how HOT it has been here? I do have the coolest bell thingie, and streamers are being hunted for as we speak ~ along with the ~perfect~ basket.

I finally found the ~perfect~ window treatments for my bedroom, now all I'm waiting for is the ~perfect~ mirror that I haven't found yet. Then that room is DONE (well, until I get my new bedroom furniture, but H has informed me that that is AFTER the deck, and AFTER the TV gizmo thingie he gets for completing the deck ~ I have to bribe the man with gizmos to get manual labor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). And I have already decided how to do my bathroom, so I can start taping that sucker up at any moment. Then the only thing not to have been painted in my whole house, at least once, is my laundry room. Which is actually more like a laundry walk-way. I have to lock the door into the garage when I get stuff out of the dryer, so someone doesn't come bursting in the door and knock me unconscious (again! Well, I wasn't unconscious, but I probably wished I was). So, it's pretty small. Then re-do my kitchen, and all will be right in my home universe. Paint is the cheapest, most dramatic way to change your home, you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Well, now I am just babbling on and on and on and on and on. I must get ready for my cooking today. And H told me I could do a 7:30 class tonight of pilates instead of going to Scouts. Perfect! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I have one small relationship thingie to discuss, then I will update you Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning if anything happens. Because of my work, and not having the flexibility this week to move things around, and because I shouldn't HAVE to, damm|t . . . H is taking DS13 to register Tuesday morning. We are in the same alphabet segment as FBF/OW, and DS's are the same age. We used to register together. Last year, I didn't see her. This year, H is going. He has not seen her in person, nor talked to her, since his NC email to her. The one time he saw her driving toward him in the neighborhood, he swerved off into someone else's driveway and waited for her to pass! We've spotted her a ways away on the soccer fields (oh, mental note, I have to go register DS for soccer today), and seen her vehicle out in front of our neighbor's house that her DD is on the soccer team with, etc. I would be interested if she would initiate talking to him, and what feelings would come up for him ~ even feelings of just seeing her in close proximity without speaking. I told him if he sees/talks to her, that I want a full detailed report. He said OK. I'll let you know the results.

Take care, and muster up the umpha required to redo that post, Mister! I was promised excitement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Spidey